The Objective Truth Behind the 4Loko Ban

The United States legislature is at it again and assisting large corporations by accusing the makers of Four Loko to be producing a dangerous beverage that is killing otherwise responsible college students and being marketed to children. This is especially dangerous because as we all know, children are allowed to buy alcohol. You most likely remember my article that exposed the real reasons behind the illegality of clove cigarettes, because you've read every single one of these, and you will see in this piece that their motives are shockingly the same.
Shockingly. The Same.
This is by far one of the single most unconstitutional thing the government has ever done, and should be thought to be both reprehensible and un-American. Four Loko does not contain a single ingredient that poses a threat to anyone in moderation. Alcohol poisoning related deaths are likely to happen to anyone, and the addition of caffeine actually makes this drink safer. For instance;
  • Most people tend to "pass out" when under the influence of large quantities of alcohol. With the addition of caffeine, the drinker is enabled to stay up longer and have more fun. You are also less likely to have your body tampered with.
  • Rapes related to people passed out are virtually nullified by Four Loko. (see above)
  • Caffeine is said to offset the effects of alcohol, making drunk driving much safer. This dramatically decreases the number of drunk driving fatalities.
  • Four Loko makes almost any woman look fantastic.
To be fair, I did sit down and make a list of every possible negative thing about Four Loko that I could possibly think of, so here's that list.
  • I'm not drinking one right now.
From this fair and balanced argument, its pretty easy to say that Four Loko has no objectively bad aspects to it, and the only people who have been sent to hell by this drink died for the same reasons anyone else who dies of alcohol poisoning does; bad luck. If this is all true, then why is the government so adamant about pulling this Nectar of the Gods from the shelves? One not need be Stephen Hawking to see the crippling evidence as to why the government hates this drink.

Its common knowledge that the government is controlled by large corporations. If you think I am wrong on this, you obviously don't know who our Treasury Secretary and Chief of Staff are and who they used to work for. (The major banks). You also probably don't know what company is rebuilding Iraq, that Dick Cheney used to be CEO of. (Halliburton)

Now that Four Loko, produced by a small, independent company called Phusion, has produced a product that consumers have decided fucks you up longer and quicker than beer, Anhauser-Busch and Miller have created media hype about 12 year old's thinking that the pretty colors on the cans are turning them into alcoholics over night. I have no direct proof of any of this being true at all, because I don't need proof. Regardless of whether or not this is true, beer sales are going to sky rocket. Their logic is exactly the same as when Big Tobacco lobbied the government to ban clove cigarettes, because before that happened India controlled a whopping 1% of the U.S. tobacco market.

If you are one of the brainwashed masses who believes that Four Loko has been rightfully banned, you are objectively wrong and any argument you make for yourself can be refuted by the following statement; Caffeine is legal, alcohol is legal. People die of alcohol poisoning all the time and its their fault for not drinking responsibly. Again, if you disagree with me on this, you are wrong.


Let's Stop Lying to Ourselves this Christmas Season

Its that time of year again, when Christmas, and coincidentally other religious holidays occur in December, and we are forced by tradition to temporarily abandon our unfounded hatred for each other and collectively spend 87 billion dollars on gift cards. Gift cards of course, being almost worthless compared to real cash and in rare cases, a real present.

The reason people buy gift cards is as obvious as it is justified. It usually starts with an elderly person browsing Barnes and Noble, wondering which collections of nude illustrations by Glenn Beck they should buy. They're daughter calls them on their cell phone, and if they can figure out how to answer it they are casually reminded that their grandson's 12th birthday is coming up. Not being able to figure out what kind of book to buy him because they forgot that he doesn't know how to read, (only write) they buy him a twenty dollar gift card.

To this child, a 20 dollar gift card isn't worth the plastic magnetic strip the twenty dollars is embedded on. It is non nonrefundable and his friends laugh at him when he offers to sell it to them for as little as 10 cents on the dollar. (that means two dollars for any NASCAR fans who might be reading this)

If you still somehow hold the wrong opinion that gift cards are a practical and thoughtful gift, allow me to swiftly shatter that illusion with my brilliant logic. When you buy someone a gift card, you are not only showing them your thoughtlessness by affectively telling them to choose their own gift, you are giving them something that is almost worthless compared to cash.

Cash can be used any where. In any store, in any public transaction, to buy anything from pencil illustrations to illegal drugs. It can even be converted into foreign currency and used abroad to buy even more exotic illustrations and drugs. All that, while the only thing that McDonald's Arch Card you bought you 7 year old nephew will buy is childhood obesity and years of dark, hollow depression, most likely leading to suicide.

TL;DR Gift cards cause suicide.

Also: Hypothetical conversation this article may lead to.

Person A "I buy gift cards because it shows I care. My grandson can use this 20 dollar gift card at Best Buy to purchase headphones if he needs them, or something of that nature"

Me "If you simply gave him cash, wouldn't he be able to buy those headphones OR something at any other store in the entire world?"

Person B "wow, you're so right, I will never question you on anything again and I am sorry for doubting your wisdom in the first place."


Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps Review

Much like my review for the awful movie precious, I should first start out by admitting that I have never seen this movie, nor do I intend to, and that my opinions are entirely based on theatrical trailers, IMDB.com information, my opinion of the first movie which I DID see, and second hand testimonials.

This movie is the sequel to the nineteen-ninety-something box office hit: Wallstreet, starring Charlie Sheene and Michael Douglas. Its basically about Charlie Sheene doing a bunch of insider trading and cocaine, making himself filthy rich while his down-home, blue collar father shakes his head in disapproval. A bunch of shit happens and Charlie Sheene and Michael Douglas end up going to jail. I do not know the plot of the sequel, a term I use loosely since its been over twenty years since the original was made, but I can tell you that this movie is an absolute shit pile. Allow me to explain.

The Movie is rated PG-13
The original Wall Street had that rare blend of swearing, drug use, and no-context nudity that provided an extremely grim portrait of New York City. This movie has Shia LeBeouff.

The Movie has Shia Lebeouff
Remember that annoying little bitch they use as a character to make it seem like the two Transformers movies had plots? That douche bags the main character.

The title
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. No fucking shit, its money. Its an inanimate object, it doesn't have to. Whats sad is how whoever thought of this title probably jumped out of his seat and said "I GOT IT!" when he thought of it, and all of his peers nodded in flaccid approval.

The Lack of Charlie Sheene
Even though you'd think I am, I am not a Hollywood screenplay writer. Despite this, even I know that when you make a sequel to a movie it should probably have the same main character, and not have a new main character played by an actor who bench presses less than Justin Bieber. Charlie Sheene is by far the most raging alcoholic in America, and who better to play the role of an insider trader fresh out of years in federal prison? No one.

The movie some how cost 70 million dollars to make
If a movie is going to cost that much to produce, it should have these three things; at least three giant explosions. Movies with budgets like that are usually mildly entertaining, but this movie is just "blah blah economy blah blah i'm Shia LeBeouff and I'm the worst actor ever blah blah" How that cost 70 million dollars to write, shoot, and produce is beyond me.

This movie has only made 35 million dollars so far. Let's keep it that way.


Communism in Modern America

Just when I thought we had defeated communism when we whooped Vietnam's ass and knocked down the Munich Wall, it has been made aware that communism is rearing its ugly head, right hear in the United Americas. The culprit; none other than mid-tier sit down restaurant; RED Robin. (I highlighted the word 'red' to draw attention to the fact that red, is indeed the color of communism.)

I recently meant someone who works as a waiter for this openly fascist regime. I asked how the tips are, and she told me, "well, they're usually OK because at the end of the night the managers take everyone's tips and divide them amongst all of us equally." Upon hearing this my face went grim and pale. Images of previous fascists such as Richard Stalin and John Lennon perverted my thoughts. All I could think of was how awful it must be for competent, attentive waiters who refill your drink correctly before you're even finished, making the same amount in tips as the ass hole who screws your order up and asks you retarded questions such as how you'd like your chicken cooked.
"Here's your salad sir"

Listen up RED Robin; this is America, and in America we aren't communists. We're Americans.


A Loose Recap of the VMAs

The VMAs is a yearly spectacle where all the musicians you listen to because they're on the radio get together and try to deliver poorly written jokes about the different nominees. It is the only three and a half hours out of the year where MTV show's anything even remotely relating to actual music, and this year it was hosted by musician Chelsea Handler. Oh wait, she's not a musician? No big deal, because her forced inappropriateness and self deprecating jokes about her promiscuity will make the general 15-25 year old demographic feel cool for liking her.

Now I'm not gonna lie, I didn't "technically" watch the whole thing. When I was done listening to the usual banter on Sports Center about how if Peyton Manning wants to be a good quarter back he needs to throw a lot of touch down passes, I saw some guy's status about how he was excited that he got to see the VMAs at six pm, when everyone else (the east coast) had to wait until nine. I insulted him about his lack of knowing how time zones worked, and decided that the VMAs would actually be somewhat entertaining.

I changed the channel and was not surprised at all to see Justin Bieber on stage singing. I couldn't really tell what song it was because of how loud all the little girls in the crowd screaming. It was a lot like the world cup vuvuzela situation, if the world cup was a contest to see how long you could go before you hit puberty. He ended with what has to have been the shittiest drum solo ever performed on stage everywhere, and as an experienced musician I can tell you that it was an extremely basic and fundamental drum exercise that six year olds who take lessons for three months can play. If you think that drum solo was good, here's Niel Peart.

After that some other shit happened and Usher came out and lip synced an entire two song set. Scratch that, he didn't even bother to lip sync. He just kind of danced around and did that slidy foot thing where its kind of like a sideways moon walk. If you're going to come out and half lip sync, at least don't insult our intelligence by wearing those headset microphones that aren't connected to anything.

Shortly there after, Eminem won an award, probably for least convincing sobriety attempt, but he was 2 cool 4 school to even be there so katy perry and some black chick just kind of made lame jokes. Went and made some steaks, came back and this obvious hermaphrodite had won like 5 awards, I think her name was lady gaga or something. More later if anything develops. oh yeah and this really cool techno dj named Dead Mow Five was there.


Scientists: Try Harder

The scientific community hasn't done anything worth noting since Albert Einstein proved that E is INDEED equal to MC squared. (Like we wouldn't have figured that out anyway) You may be thinking "but hey, what about string theory?" to which I reply, no, the universe does not contain eleven dimensions, you're just trying to sound smart by parroting shit you saw that asian guy say on the Science Channel that one time.
"Eleven. Count em'."

Its pretty obvious to anyone who cares that science is really hard to come by these days. So rather than putting their collective heads together and solving important problems like how to time-travel and light sabers, they've resorted to making outrageous claims just to piss everyone off.

Pluto is not a Planet
The major astronomers of the world decided in August of 2006 that Pluto can no longer be considered a planet. This can quickly be refuted, however, by the simple observation that Pluto is a large, round thing that orbits the sun. The official term for it now is "dwarf planet". What, so just because its a "dwarf" means its not a planet anymore? I'm sure the cast of Little People, Big World will be happy to know that they aren't technically "people" anymore.
Zach and Jeremy are twins.
"the fuck' you nerds say about me?"
Also, look at the douche with the red penguin T/vest combo

There Was No Triceratops
This next one is just sad. The triceratops, the third best dinosaur behind the T-Rex and Velociraptor, has come under attack from a group of paleontologists who share the same disrespect for science as the anti-plutites and string theorists. Their argument is that they were all so stupid, that they thought the triceratops was its own species when they were really just young versions of a completely similar looking dinosaur called the torosaurus. The image on the left is the traditional triceratops, and the one on the right is a fully grown "triceratops", the torosaurus.
Scientists: "oh wait. fuck"

So for the entire history of paleontology, not a single person was smart enough to make the connection that the triceratops might just be a younger version of another dinosaur. Trying to cover his ass, paleontologist John Scanella went on record saying, "Paleontologists are at a disadvantage because we can't go out into the field and observe a triceratops grow from a baby to an adult". Yeah, ok John, like I haven't heard the whole I-can't-be-certain-because-what-I-study-doesn't-exist-anymore excuse before. Maybe you should have all just, I don't know, noticed that the triceratops looks exactly the fucking same as the torosaurus? I am highly confident that paleontologists have known about this error for at least over 9000 years and were just hoping no one would say anything, until John Scanella had to open his big fucking mouth about it.

Scientists: Do better.


Grenades and Land-mines; Know your Ordinance

Grenades and land-mines have a lot in common with their real life, cock-blocking counterpart; there are times in war when a brave soldier must land on a live one in order to save his platoon from from certain death by hot shrapnel. By death by hot shrapnel, I of course mean not getting any.

For those unfamiliar with the generation-defining MTV show Jersey Shore, here is how grenades and land mines work. A grenade is the obligatory ugly, stuck up, fat bitch who inexplicably belongs to a group of objectively attractive women. Said attractive women will not feel comfortable pursuing men until the grenade has been spoken for. Groups of gentlemen are often times forced to choose amongst themselves someone to engage the grenade, freeing up the good ones for his squad mates. Hence the phrase "landing on a grenade."

In this article I felt the need to create a more specific list of terms that adequately compare real life anti-personnel explosive devices to cock blocking women.
Grenades: The situation's got em'

Frag Grenade
RL: A hand-thrown anti-personnel weapon that explodes and disperses shrapnel at a high velocity. Kill Radius: 15M
Metaphor: An unattractive, stuck up bitch who cock blocks the hell out of everyone until she some how manages to secure a man. Boner Killing Radius: 15M

Smoke Grenades
RL: A non explosive, non lethal hand-thrown device used to disperse large amounts of smoke, usually for the purpose of concealing movement. Kill Radius: Non-lethal.
Metaphor: A grenade who smokes cigarettes. For most men, if a women is good looking enough smoking is NEVER a negative factor and can some times make them look hotter, but if a grenade smokes cigarettes, all it can do is make her THAT much more of a grenade. Boner Killing Radius: 15M

Stun Grenades
RL: A non lethal device that produces a bright flash that blinds the enemy for about five seconds. Kill Radius: Non Lethal.
Metaphor: A grenade so ugly, its simply stunning. Boner Killing Radius: Indefinite.

Land mines: The more slender version of the grenade, but their tactics and habits are somewhat different. "Hot from far away" and "Butter face" are defining characteristics of the proverbial land mine. This being the case, most land mines can be disarmed with a simple brown paper lunch bag.
However, paper bags don't really solve the whole hermaphroditic penis situation

S-Mine "Bouncing Betty"
RL: A German mine used in WWII. When tripped, the mine is propelled about 1.2 meters into the air and explodes with an effective kill radius of up to 100M. The best way to avoid them is to drop to the ground as quickly as possible, as most of the shrapnel is dispersed in a circular pattern.
Metaphor: A woman so skinny she becomes drunk off half a shot of Triple Sec, who bounces around all night and will randomly pop up in front of you, frightening you with her face. The best way to avoid them is to drop to the ground as quickly as possible, as most of the shrapnel is dispersed in a circular pattern.

M 18 Claymore
RL: A directional mine that uses a C4 explosion to rapidly project a matrix of about 700 1/8 inch steel balls at 1,200 meters per second in a 60 degree fan pattern with an effective kill range of 50M.
Metaphor: I don't think I really need to spell out the comparison for you.

PFM-1 "Butterfly"
RL: A Russian mine used during their occupation of Afghanistan. Known for causing harm to children due to being confused for toys because of their unusual shape. They are the worst land mines of them all.
Metaphor: Because of their unusual body shape, they appear to be attractive when in reality their face is BROKE. They cause harm to unsuspecting drunk men who mistake them for attractive women. They are the worst land mines of them all.

Misc Slang:

RL: A soldier appointed with the duty of carrying and deploying most of the grenades and other explosive devices.
Metaphor: The man in the group who does not mind if not prefers landing on grenades. Mostly due to their ease of getting with and the fact that his beer goggles are always very generous.

Sticky Grenade
When a grenade spills beer on herself and becomes sticky. Highly unflattering.

Cooking off
RL: To pull the pin and throw the grenade when the fuse has burned to a certain point causing the grenade to explode before enemies can have a chance to retreat.
Metaphor: To feign the appearance of hooking up with a grenade while your friends hook up with her friends. When the grenade explodes and starts crying, play the song "big girls don't cry".

Disclaimer: If you are an obese woman you should only be offended by this blog if you are an annoying, cock blocking stuck up bitch. NOT all fat women are grenades. Its a genetic thing and is sometimes out of their control. Sometimes.


Consequences: Will they Ever be the Same?

Jessie "Slaughter" Leonhardt currently holds the world record for caring about youtube comments. For those of you unfamiliar with this viral video, I'd like to first offer a warm welcome to the internet. All eleven year old Jessie slaughter wanted to do was post videos for some talentless emo band's fan website she was in, when (probably) baseless rumors of her having sex with a member of the band began to surface. What she should have done was absolutely nothing, but what she DID do was make a video of herself talking about how much better she is than everyone, and that she will "put a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushee"
Brain Slushee was actually the title of a Tupac album

Ebaums World Finds the Video: Does what you'd expect them to.
The above video soon caught the attention of users on a message board called Ebaums World. If you do not know what that is, keep it that way. All you need to know is that regular users of that site have about as much morality as Lindsey Lohan has success in her future. Its great, I go on it all the time now. Ebaums proceeded to bombard Jessie with comments so hateful and insidious that they make Mel Gibson's rants look like an episode of Reading Rainbow.
We don't have to worry about being raped by a pack of Lavar Burtons, and it wouldn't be our faults if it happened. I also don't think he's started ANY of the wars.

The onslaught of hatred effected her house hold in the absolute biggest way possible youtube comments could. Her parents alerted authorities, some fictional some real, Jessie lost her ability to eat and sleep, and her father grew the most disgusting mustache ever out of pure rage. He also made an internet video with his daughter, in an attempt to intimidate /b/ with a bevy of threats. While he failed at intimidating a single person, he inadvertently succeeded in creating what I believe to be the most hilarious viral video ever. Let's take a look.

I've been trying for at least a month now to figure out what this man was trying to accomplish by making this video. "Yeah, this will scare the shit out of those lyin' bunch of pricks!" In an earlier take of the video, he also goes on to tell the the haters that they "dun goof'd", officially winning the award for least intimidating thing said of all time, ever.

Now imagine you're at a bar; you talk to a women who you did not know was with her boyfriend, he walks up to you and says, "hey pal, don't talk to my girlfriend." You drunkenly reply, "she looks like a pig in heat anyway, I don't care". "That's it pal, you dun goof'd."

What's most perplexing about this video are these four things;
  • Who are the cyber police?
  • Why is he in the "Iced" position?
  • What did he mean by "I back TRACED it?
  • Will consequences ever be the same?
Unable to stop pondering these questions I began my research. After about 2 seconds each on Google and Wikipedia respectively, I found that there is no Cyber Police. I let out a long sigh of relief knowing that the cyber police would not be knocking my door down with warrants issued by Tapout and Affliction.

Figuring out what back TRACING was took a little more effort, as Google kept saying Did you mean Backtracking? No, Google. I know what the fuck I meant. Since Google didn't seem to know what it was out of its presumptuousness, I assumed no one did and that he, like the Cyber Police, made it up. What I'm sure he meant was IP address tracking, but with that kind inbred/meth addict accent I can safely say he doesn't know what that is. Even if he could "backtrace", I don't think that the Cyber Police have enough personnel to make that many cyber arrests. Oh yeah and the whole first amendment thing too.

What was easily the most baffling part of this video was his grand finale. With rage in his voice and resolve in his heart, he proclaims in crystal clarity, "Consequences will NEVER be the same" I cannot even begin to speculate what he means by this. I at first believed him to have misspoke, but there was no stutter or restating. I have bad news for you and your mustache; consequences for making fun of annoying children on youtube will stay the same for ever: Nothing happens.


THE Expendables Vs. eat pray love, an Objective Comparison

Over the weekend two highly anticipated movies made their premiers; The Expendables, a movie about explosions, and Eat, Pray, Love, a movie about how big Julia Robert's mouth is. I should also probably mention the movie Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, where Michael Cera steps out of his comfort zone to play the unfamiliar role of an awkward teenager. (ha! thats what he always plays!) In terms of which of the three movies was best, all you have to know is that The Expendables made about 17 million dollars more than EPL in its opening weekend and had at least 136 more explosions. In case you somehow still aren't convinced, please continue reading for a more in depth comparison.

Eat, Pray, Love.
Now I haven't actually seen this movie, but I DID read about half of the plot synopsis on the internet and saw more than enough previews to craft an informed opinion. From what I can tell, this movie is based on the memoir of some women who divorces her husband because he can't get her pregnant, even though I'm pretty sure I read that she's just menopausal and out of eggs, like a super market located too far from the nearest farm.

She then proceeds to travel the world, because that's what you do when you divorce your husband for things that are your fault. (Menopause is always the woman's fault) From there I can only assume that she just pretty much goes around making joke after recycled joke about her purse and not having periods anymore or something. "What's CostCo's return policy on 1,000 packs of tambpons? I won't be needing them anymore, you know, because I'm menopausal and don't have periods anymore?" ROFL.

On opening weekend this movie somehow tricked 23 million dollars worth of impressionable women who think that this kind of thing is entertaining into not only seeing this movie but also dragging their whipped boyfriends out for another night of politely nodding and smiling every time their girlfriend turns to them and say's "HAHA wasn't that a funny joke about periods, Chad?" No Chad, it wasn't.

THE Expendables

The Expendables is easily the greatest movie ever made of all time. I not just talking about action movies here, I'm speaking for the entire art of cinema. A lot of you losers who affectionately refer to yourselves as "film buffs" will snobbishly proclaim that movies are supposed to be about capturing human emotion, romance, and the incongruities of life. Well I have news for you and your stupid incongruities; you're wrong.

Movies are about entertainment, and seriously, how entertained can you be by a movie about people merely interacting with each other? Is your life really so devoid of love and human contact that you need to watch movies like Eat Pray Love to make up for your shallow existence? No, you don't. Go to the god damned bar and meet someone. Now about how great this movie is.

This movie has Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Dolph Lundgren in it. The plot basically revolves around them shooting people and causing explosions for a few hours and then just kind of ends. Its absolutely perfect in every way. If this movie was titled in the same manner as Eat, Pray, Love, it would be called Kill, Stab, Cause Explosions. The real beauty comes from the way directer Sylvester Stallone transitions from fight scenes to shootouts.

One minute they're kicking people in the head, and then as the tempo of violence picks up they switch to shooting people in the head. Its the kind of thing that makes film critics with low sperm counts fiery with pretentious rage and makes real men everywhere want to light their cars on fire just to see them explode. See this movie now, and tell me it wasn't the best hour and forty seven minutes of your life besides the time you lost your virginity. (which was probably more like a minute and forty seven seconds anyway)


The Big 3 Douchiest Clothing Lines and the Men who Wear Them Pt 2: Affliction

Affliction: "I like tatoos but i'm too much of a pussy to ever make the decision to actually get one. Also, my favorite MMA fighters are Randy Couture and Chuck Lidell in THAT order"

The clothing brand Affliction's name alone adequately describes itself; a horrific cause of pain, suffering, or distress. Your words, dictionary, not mine. It takes a different class of douche to wear these clothes; a guy who claims to be interested in MMA, acts tough to compensate for years of neglect/abuse, and always talks about tatoos he wants to get but never actually goes through with it because he hears that the needles hurt kind of bad. The way the designs on an Affliction shirt work like this; Its a really lame tattoo that you can WEAR AS A SHIRT!!.

Without exception, every Affliction shirt in the history of the brand consists of these essential things:
  • Skulls (human or dragon)
  • Crucifixes ironically juxtaposed
  • The Affliction logo spelled in the font "Gothic Tattoo"
  • Swirling stencil designs
  • Subtle variations in the brightness of the coloring that are probably douche stains
  • Or this.
"most guys wouldn't wear a shirt with a giant, feminist angel on it, but then again, I'm not most guys. Please have sex with me."

Tune in next fortnight for Pt 3: Ed Hardy "I am the biggest douche bag in the world and no other type of person will ever top my absolute lameness, not even women who watch The View"


The Big 3 Douchiest Clothing Lines and the Men who Wear Them: Pt 1

TapouT: "yeah, I'm into mma... my favorite fighters are Chuck Lidell and Randy Couture and my favorite fighting style is Brazilian Tae Kwon Doe."

I don't care how much bigger you are than me, how many steroids you take, or how many MMA pay per views you paid 50 dollars for and watched by yourself, if you wear TapouT clothes I am personally calling you a limp dicked little bitch and I really hope that hell exists so that you and your douchey ass clothes can burn there for eternity. All your clothes do for yourself is inform everyone that you care way too much about them knowing that you watch MMA fights, and that them knowing this will somehow cause them to fear and respect you. (It doesn't)

The TapouT brand was originally started by a group of three guys who's douchiness could fill more bags than the feminine hygiene section of a grocery store in Alabama. They affectionately refer to themselves with the self-designated nicknames Mask, Skyscrape, and Punkass. I could go on to describe how unjustifiably cocky and annoying they are, but I think the previous sentence should give you pretty good insight alone. In 2009, Mask tragically died in a car accident or something, probably because God decided it was too much to let three men make millions of dollars off the insecurities of men who think that wearing a type of clothing will cause others to fear their feigned masculinity.

The typical man who wears these clothes is a male in his mid twenties, works out, drives an old pickup truck, and thinks that being an MMA fan is somehow a lifestyle. While watching two extremely athletic men beat each other beyond recognition with less rules than the dogfights Mike Vick refs is always a great time, there is no justification for your life to revolve around it. A lot of these men will actually go their local sport fight gym and take a few lessons, only to quit when they realize that repeated elbows to the nose hurt really bad, and that women are turned off by the sight of ears so cauliflowered that it looks like your brain is leaking out of the side of your head.
Pictured: A man who's ears look like his brain is leaking out of the side of his head.

If you'd like to make a formal rebuttal, you can usually find me at the Kohl's in Beaverton Oregon on the corner of T.V. Highway and Canyon where we actually sell this brand in the young men's section. Although it's the lesser quality MPS variant, (which is probably an acronym for this M.an's P.enis is S.mall) its low price should satisfy your need to let everyone know you are a douschy MMA fan who's been a fan for years and has been following Brock Lesnar since his days in the WWF.

Stay tuned for Pt. 2: Affliction "All I wear is shit with crosses and skulls ironically juxtaposed, so you know I'm deep and angst filled. I also like MMA, but not like those TapouT douches. No, I'm way different."


I Wrote this About Facebook to Appeal to a Larger Audience

I'm about to bring it to you cowards and its gonna be quick. Here's a bunch of shit we all do on facebook that irritates me like the loud Italian family at the table next to you at T.G.I. Friday's. Before you say "but alex, you contradicted yourself because you do these all the time" I'm going to stop you and say that I only do it because maybe it'll make people feel the same annoyance I feel. If you fail to see the logic in that, good luck ever graduating college.

The status about how much you hate your easy job.
Ex: "work 7-9 gaaaaaay" "boo work 12:00-12:30" :(" "Strip club 7-4am, hope no pervs!"

Its very sad to see people complain about having to go to their awful job for five hours as a cashier at Abercrombie and Fitch. It could be infinitely worse. Be thankful you live in a country where you aren't a seven year old in Vietnam getting paid two cents for 12 hours of work making Nikes. (by the way, thank you SOO MUCH kids!)

The Three Thing Life-is-good Combo
Ex: "Beer, Barbecue, and my Girlfriend. Life is good." "Basketball game, Ranch Dorritos, gram of heroin. God must love me"

Woah, dude, you're having such a good time! This just screams insecurity, as it shows that the poster needs everyone to know that yes, he does indeed live a comfortable if not extravagant life. Like pilot fish on the underbelly of a shark, many of his friends will click the "like" button as if to say, "I can totally relate to having such an enjoyable time"

Messages that should be private posted to wall, seen by many.
Ex: Jane Smith > Courtney Courtneyson: YOU FCKIGN BITCH! STAY OFF MY BOYFRIENDS PENIS!" Joe Johnosn > Raymond Jones: That heroin last night was pretty strong. Did you hide tims dead body? I don't want his mom to know it was us that caused his overdose and subsequent death.

I actually don't mind these at all and find them side splittingly hilarious, keep doing this.

Statuses with links that aren't my blog.
Ex: www.anythingthatisn'tthiswebsite.org

What you are reading is the best thing on the internet by a substantial margin, but not enough people know that yet. If you've ever read it and enjoyed it at all, repost it on your wall. Then your friends will read it, then then their friends will read it, then Obama will read it and concede his presidency to me. Then maybe i'll get enough site traffic to get some ad sponsors and finally be able to pay for more writing classes/heroin. Thanks to all of you, without viewers like you this shit I write is basically a personal diary.


4 Loko. Bitch Beer? More like Whore Fuel.

Have you ever been at a party and noticed a college-age woman who is just way too energetic for how intoxicated she is? Unless she's been having rum and "coke" all night, there's a high probability that she's been drinking 09/10's favorite fuck-you-up-quick-for-like-2-dollars beverage of choice known as 4 Loko. Or as I like to call it; whore loko. See what I did there? Let it be known that I came up with that brilliant pun and that no one has ever thought of it before I have.

Four Loko is a 12% alcohol energy drink that's main ingredients consist of malt liquor, pure caffeine, artificial fruit flavoring, and an as of yet unidentified substance that chemically transforms even the most polite and subdued women into loud sluts. Here is how a typical night goes for a group of broke 19 year old girls who are trying to get FUKTUP.

Sarah: Oh my god you guys, my older cousin just bought us some 4 loko! Lets go to Tim's party tonight and drink them!

Jessica: Woohoo! alright! I love that drink, even if it tastes like a melted lolly pop.

Carla: Yay!

Two weeks later

Sarah: Oh no, now we're all pregnant now and have A.I.D.S.! BOO!

Jessica: Aww shit!

Carla: What an unfavorable turn of events!

Tim: HAHA! I gave you all A.I.D.S!

4 Loko isn't just for women though, as many men who enjoy the energetic buzz of Jager Bombs but lack the funds necessary will find that 4 loko is a more than suitable replacement. Only two cans of this will put an average male's BAC in the .13-.15 range which is about as drunk as you should want to be unless you don't like remembering the terrible things you do when you get that drunk.

Be warned however, you may black out despite feeling only mildly intoxicated. The crazy thing is that you don't even remember blacking out! The best way to see if you blacked out the previous night is to check your arms and legs for unexplainable bruises, your phone's call log to see how many people you drunk dialed, (if 911 was called you may have further problems) and America's Most Wanted to see if you murdered anyone last night. (Half of all murders are committed by a drunk person) Watch this video.


Why You Care About the AZ Immigration Bill

None of you give a fuck about the well being and treatment of Mexican immigrants, your're just taking the side of whatever political party you think is cool at the moment. All you Toby Keith/NASCAR/cousin-banging fans think Mexicans should be deported after 10 hours of warterboarding, and you affirmative action liberals think that not only should they be allowed to stay, but that if a company decides not to hire them its racist and has nothing to do with their lack of English speaking abilities.

Here's the truth about the AZ immigration bill; whether or not it is passed, nothing will change. Police officers have been harassing minorities ever since the dawn of civilization. The funny thing about this bill is how objectively clear it is that it isn't racist. The only reason any of you think it is, is because you watch the news. Here's a pro tip about the media; they have to compete with programing such as Jersey Shore and 16 and Pregnant, so in order to get your attention they try to get you emotionally involved in things that don't directly effect you.

Quite frankly, you most likely shouldn't even care about the AZ bill. I don't, but I'm writing this because it annoys me that all of you do. Here is a list of attributes you must have in order to be effected by this bill:
  • You must be an illegal immigrant.
  • You must live in Arizona.
  • You must be a criminal.
Oh, what was that last thing, you ask? Contrary to what you've heard in the news, which was probably "The new Arizona Immigration bill makes it legal for police officers to use tazers on Mexicans without warning" the bill states that a police officer may only check your immigration status if they catch you committing a crime. This is strange, because usually police officers do extensive background checks on people they arrest, so I really don't even know what this bill is supposed to even do. If it was intended to cause a nation wide race controversy out of nothing, than it did it

In a way, if you think that this bill is racist because it targets Mexicans, that actually makes you a racist for saying that all Mexicans are criminals. As for you all on the other side of the political fence, you'd probably respond to this by saying, "your point?"

The only reason you should care at all about this is because a federal judge is trying interfere, which raises the age-old question of whether or not Federal Law trumps State Law. It doesn't, ever. If you disagree with me on that, you are wrong.


Enlightment: A Practical Guide; Pt. 1

Part 1: Breaking the Veil

Hello, and congratulations on stumbling upon this brilliant guide to quick and ever lasting enlightenment, inner peace, and an overall sense of well being. I was like you once; an insignificant shell of a person living on the margins of society. No idea who I was, no one else knowing who I was. Things were not going particularly well. Then one day, out of no where, I broke the veil and became enlightened.

What is breaking the veil you ask? Breaking the veil is that initial moment where you realize that nothing you or anyone else does in life matters, and the resulting bliss is overwhelming. The experience can be likened to a child having his first conscious thought, or a person using cocaine for the first time.

In order to break the veil it is important to realize several key aspects of your life:
  • The only reason you exist, is because your parents decided to have sex one day.
  • There are six billion people in this world. The chances of you becoming someone important are slim to none.
  • Even if you do become famous or important, you're just going to end up dead some day, relegated to nothing more than a memory in the minds of a slowly dying society.
  • The universe abides by very specific laws and constants and nothing is in your control. Choices are an illusion created by the inherent unpredictability of nature.
  • There is no meaning of life, and searching for one will make your life meaningless.
  • There isn't a single negative emotion that can't be drowned in alcohol.
So now that you've read and understand what I call the 5 Fundamental Truths, you have broken the veil. Congratulations, you made that veil your bitch. What comes after breaking the veil you ask? Part II: Making as Many People as you can Feel the Same Pain you Feel. Coming soon.


The Two Ugliest Famous Women (besides Susan Boyle)

Lady Gaga and Kesha- If boners were people, these two women would have an entire genocide on their conscience. On a personal note, they've killed my boner more times than Harry Potter's killed Voldemort. Every time these two put out another song, Viagra's stock jumps by 12 points. (you know, because they make it hard to get boners.) Lady Gaga was once rumored to be a hermaphrodite. Whether or not its true, the fact that it was even a question is disgusting. I don't much care for either of these women at all.


Why Your Relationship is Not like Romeo and Juliet's

Here are a few things you should ask yourself before comparing your relationship to the one Romeo and Juliet were in.
  • Are each of your families in an ongoing violent feud with one another?
  • Is your attraction to one another based on virtually nothing besides the fact that both families would disapprove of your relationship?
  • Did you really just use that analogy? Seriously, its been used at least several billion times.
  • If your partner was dead, would you kill yourself, knowing full well that they would want you to go on to live a fulfilling happy life?
  • Exactly. Shut the fuck up.
Romeo and Juliet is one of those retarded stories that is inexplicably shoved down the throats of teenagers every year, despite the fact that doing so only makes them even more likely to smoke marijuana and drink alcohol. (Source: Everyone in high school did those things) The terrible part though, is that it was written like four hundred years ago and is presented to high school students in English class, even though its not even written in that language. Historians unanimously and inaccurately refer to it as "Early Modern English", but to me its still Old English, and the only time a high school student should have to deal with that is when he only has five dollars for beer/has a medical need to induce vomiting. Calling that language "Early Modern English" is like calling the Ford Model T an "Early Time Machine"

During my freshmen year of high school my English class read the play, and at least half the time spent in class each day was trying to figure out what the FUCK Romeo meant when he'd say things like "Doth art thou banished from thy depthest tempest of passionizing love." Rather than learning advance writing mechanics or practical hand to hand combat, we spent hour after hour translating a language no one has spoken in hundreds if not millions of years.

I like to think of William Shakespeare as the original M. Night Shyamalan (even though the current M. Night steals ideas from/makes movies about Nickelodean shows) because of his unexpected twist ending where Romeo and Juliet hilariously kill themselves on accident. For whatever reason, I was the only one in the class room who ever saw the comedic irony of the story. The saddest part about Romeo and Juliet, is that it means that four hundred years from now high school students will be reading the shittiest literature from our era: Twilight. More on that later though.


Questionable Lyrics

Its come to my attention that the mainstream music of today is filled with lyrics that are so bad that it causes me to envy the deaf. The following is my personal commentary on some of the most glaring examples of this.

David Guetta- Sexy Chick "I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful."

Here's a tip for you David. If you can't immediately formulate a sentence that is anything less than flattering to describe a drunk woman at a dance club, you probably never will. This makes me think you are trying to politely tell a woman that she's put on a few too many pounds, and that she should start throwing up after meals.

B.O.B.- Airplanes "Lets pretend that air planes are shooting stars."

While we're on the subject of pretending things that are blatantly untrue, lets make believe for a second that this song were never recorded, and that your mother had an abortion.

Eminem- Forgot about Dre. "Fuck you too bitch, call the cops, imma' kill you AND them loud ass mother fucking barking dogs."

Ok Slim Shady, that's a totally reasonable response to the situation at hand. I suppose I should expect this from a man who's written not one but two songs about murdering his wife and kidnapping his daughter, but this is just awful. (97 Bonnie and Clyde, Kim)

Eminem- Forgot about Dre Cont. "And when the cops came through me and Dre stood next to a burnt down house. With a can full of gas and a hand full of matches, still no one found out. (Right here!)"

I am aware that our nations law enforcement aren't the brightest or even most cognitively functioning group of people, but I'm pretty sure that if they saw you standing next to a burning building holding the contents you described, while exclaiming "right here!" to draw attention to yourself, they'd put the pieces together rather quickly. It'd be like a jury acquitting an ex-NFL star on trial for murdering his wife and best friend, even though they found one of his gloves at the crime scene covered in blood. Oh wait...

Ke$ha- Your Love is my Drug "Maybe I need some rehab, or maybe just need some sleep"

Try sleep, Kesha. At least that way there's the remarkably high chance that you'll choke on your own vomit in your sleep, ridding the world of yet another inexplicably famous fake person. Or to be less rude, you were right the first time.

Justin Bieber- Any lyric he has ever sang.

Your very existence has proven to me beyond any doubt that Americans will listen to whatever record executives decide is going to be popular that year. You aren't fit to sing in a karaoke bar, assuming of course that by the time you've turned 21 you've gone through puberty and the bouncer doesn't think you're a 12 year old with a fake I.D. (Doubtful)

Bobby Brackins-143 "143, baby I love you"

When I first heard this song I just thought that you didn't know how to count, but a friend of mine actually pointed out to me that you're just saying "I love you" in the most absolutely roundabout way possible by simply saying the corresponding number to however many letters there are in each word. If someone ever said "143" to me, I would respond with 248, "Go Fuck Your Self." These shitty lyrics aren't helped by the fact that you sound like my friends doing Lil Wayne impressions after drinking half a fifth of vodka. Speaking of rappers signed by lil wayne...

Drake- Forever "Understand nothing was done for me"

Really, Drake? You mean to tell me that the popularity you gained among 14 year old girls from being on the show DeGrassi had nothing to do with your current fame?
If this were Call of Duty, that rapist/pedophile with the glasses would have just scored 10 points.

Despite all this hatred, I truly appreciate mainstream music, and in fact I think its a good thing that there are songs that almost everyone can instantly identify with. Let's face it, picking music to like is hard. Its far more easy to just listen to the current hits and hip hop station and scream like a little girl every time the song you've heard twenty times in the last three days comes on. Also, if you read this and think I stole the entire concept for this blog from the website Snacksandshit.com, its because I did. Consider this me giving them credit. Have a nice day.


The Hilarious New Drinking "Game"

Ever since Jesus Christ made the world's first alcoholic beverage out of plain water, humans have been making their alcoholism more entertaining by creating an endless list of drinking games. We need games like this, because lets face it; drinking by itself is often times boring and mundane and needs to be livened up with all sorts of rules, point systems, and humiliating penalties. My personal favorite drinking games are Beer Pong and LeGone James, where you watch Sports Center and drink every time they say the words "LeBron James". (You blackout within 30 seconds)

All these different games have generally been fun, with games like King's Cup staying around for generations, and lesser games like LeGone James being discontinued due to so many alcohol poisoning related deaths. Yet for some reason, the hip new drinking game "Bros Icing Bros" continues to gain popularity. The rules of the game are as simple as they are retarded:
  • A person gives you a Smirnoff Ice
  • You have to drink it.
  • Bonus points for how many times people say BRO! (points don't mean anything though)
As you can see, this isn't technically even a game. Its just one guy saying, "Here, you have to drink this because its funny watching my friends chug a drink that tastes like flat Sprite mixed with Olde English/semen" There are no winners in this game, only losers. The person being iced is a loser for obvious reasons, and the person who does the icing is a loser because they went into a store and actually purchased the rancid beverage.

The game was made popular by the now defunct website BrosIcingBros.com, which was basically video after video of a guy on one knee drinking Ice while three of his buddies stand around laughing and saying "BRO YOU GOT ICED! HAHAHA" for like five fucking minutes. In a move that can only be described as Kardashian-stupid, the Smirnoff company ordered them to shut the website down. Not only were they turning down free publicity and advertising, they were also attempting to thwart the only reason any man would have to buy Ice. The only time I ever remember seeing a man with Smirnoff Ice are the sexual predators on Dateline NBC. I guess Smirnoff will just have to stick to what they've got with their commercials about sprinkler slip n slides and painting abandoned gas stations.

How I Plan to Fix the Oil Leak



Thank's South Africa, for Ruining the World Cup

This year's World Cup will no doubt go down in history as the worst one ever played. The blame for this falls squarely on the shoulders of the South African fans, who for whatever reason insist on blowing the most annoying horn in the world, the vuvuzela, during every second of every match, even during the national anthems.

I wasn't a fan of soccer until only a year ago, being one of many who thought that only timid homosexuals liked soccer. I held theses unjustified and homophobic opinions until a friend introduced me to FIFA 2009 for the xbox and showed me a few English Premier League games. After only a few short weeks I changed my mind faster than O.J. Simpson when he was considering not murdering those people.

I could not have picked a better time to jump on this international bandwagon, as the World Cup in South Africa was only a year away. As the months flew by my skills at FIFA 2010 grew exponentially, to the point where I am now the 4,998th best player in the United States. (no big deal) The excitement I had was not containable when June 12th came around, and I would finally get to see England play the U.S.

You could imagine the disappointment I faced when I noticed that ABC was experiencing technical difficulties. I thought to myself, "does ABC realize that they're simultaneously broadcasting the audio of a cat being slowly lowered into a blender?" Minutes ticked by and upon seeing camera footage of the crowd I noticed that the audio was actually coming from plastic horns. Needless to say, this minor annoyance has completely ruined my World Cup experience and desire to watch. I could turn the volume down, but then how would the English Commentators keep me informed as to what was happening?

Holding the World Cup in South Africa was a huge mistake, and I sincerely hope that at least one of these fans who bring these horns choke on it and dies. This may sound racist at first, but I assure you that I would harbor the same resentment for any nation who's fans create such a repugnant acoustic environment during what is supposed to be the most important athletic event in the world.

Salvia; the Legal Alternative to Good Drugs

Ever since the 1990s, people figured out that if you smoked enough salvia, you could hallucinate violently and uncomfortably for about 15 minutes, followed by another 15 of saying "Why did i just pay fucking 93 bucks for three grams of this shit?". Here's how it works.

A lot of people are under the false impression that salvia makes you "high". This is balls-deep inaccurate, because a high is a euphoric, energized feeling, where as salvia is overwhelmingly terrifying at worst and a waste of time at best. Salvia works by cutting off signals sent by your five senses to the conscious part of your brain. You know what being conscious but not being able to sense anything is like? Being dead.

I'm not exactly sure how that last comparison makes any sense, but i am completely sure that it just blew your mind. Many who use this drug describe a complete detachment from their body within seconds of exhalation, with virtually no feeling of euphoria or joy, but rather fear and uneasiness, like the first time you operate a chainsaw. After the user is completely detached from reality, controlled movement becomes impossible, sounds blend with each other and echo, and your vision is replaced by Satan's face, staring at you and repeatedly telling you that "resistance is futile".

Salvia is easily the least pleasant drug, and is only legal because politicians think its hilarious that people will actually pay for such a terrible time. Salvia isn't like other hallucinogens where a good trip is dependent on your state of mind. On salvia, its actually chemically impossible to experience pleasure. There's also the persistent myth that salvia, and other hallucinogens provide some sort of spiritual release that things like church and circumcision rituals just can't provide.

A lot of you "spiritual but not religious" types probably consider this drug to be spiritually enlightening, and that using drugs like these takes you to the nexus of the universe or some crazy harry potter type shit like that. You are all completely wrong, and all you're really doing is disrupting the normal function of your brain. If you're going to do drugs, stay away from hallucinogens and stick to cool drugs like cocaine.


Jim Joyce Makes Helen Keller Look like a Perfectly Functioning Human Being

After blowing a call that Ray Charles could have made, Jim Joyce went on to say "No one feels worse about this than I do." You're right, no one could possibly feel worse. Not even Armando Galarrada, the guy you robbed of a perfect game. Galarraga was one routine play to first base away from becoming the 21st pitcher in the history of baseball to throw a perfect game, until 1st base umpire Jim Joyce called a runner to first 'safe' when he was out by more than a yard, which in baseball is the equivalent of several light years. There are three things that the MLB must now do to redeem themselves for this drastic error.

Let me first say that I don't give 3/4 of a fuck about baseball, and that I haven't watched a game in years, but I cannot remain silent about a player being denied such an honor by such an incapable moron. The use of instant replay to make correct calls has been implemented in many other sports over the years, but I have a theory as to why MLB umpires are against this so much; they are all old and there for hate technology. They couldn't figure out AOL in the late ninety's, so they'll be damned if they're going to bothered with learning video software.

Instant replay by itself wont completely solve the problem, as they'll be forced to use it far too often if people like Jim Joyce are allowed to keep their jobs. I don't care if Sports Illustrated called him the second greatest umpire of all time, or how many World Series games he's refed, he is obviously starting to lose his senses and basic cognitive functions and needs to be fired immediately, and banned from officiating baseball at any level, even charity softball events. My message to the MLB; you aren't Goodwill, stop employing the retarded.

Finally, and I cannot stress this enough, the MLB would be REMISS if they did not retroactively reverse the call and award the perfect game. The only people who are against this are other highly egotistical MLB umpires who think that their shitty calls are some how vital to maintaining the integrity of the game. Don Denkinger, another referee famous for missing obvious calls, has come to Joyce's defense claiming to "feel bad for him" and saying "you try making that call at full speed". Like I said earlier, Ray Charles could have made that call and he's blind. Reversing this call would not be controversial at all, it would simply be acknowledging what happened; Galarraga pitched the 21st perfect game in History.

In conclusion, if you see Jim Joyce in public, start chanting "Get a rope! Get a tree! HAAAANG that referee!" Hopefully this will be highly emotionally scarring for him and his family members, who deserve to suffer equally.


If Party Up by DMX were a College Essay

You're all going to cause me to become mentally unstable, up in here. You are all going to cause me to perform to my capacity, up in here. You are all going to cause me to behave in a boisterous and socially unacceptable manner, up in here. You are all going to cause me to become upset, up in here.

Should I be required to deliver it to you cowards I will do it in a swift and timely fashion, so I will begin by sending a message to any previously incarcerated midgets; Perform fellatio on me. In regards to your associates, I hereby declare you finished and would like to make a formal threat against your lives.

It looks as though you didn't heed my warning, because now you are cocking your firearms and most likely going to commit acts that will result in police officers being called to the scene. The irony of this, however, is that your actions are in no way justifiable for the situation at hand.

The following analogy may at first seem nonsensical, but please, bear with me. You and your fellow gang members have the characteristics of a strip club, as evidenced by the fact that every time I am in your vicinity I feel as though I require having oral sex performed on me.

Further more, I am perplexed as to whom you believe you are speaking with. I will have you know that I am indeed NOT this man and I suggest you monitor your actions carefully. Any lack of compliance with this order will result in you being murdered and buried next to one of my former victims. Hopefully these events do not transpire because it is a commonly held belief that you hold yourself in high regard and have very high self esteem.

Your high self esteem was invariably not the issue that caused your demise, and perhaps it was the result of an adversary making hostile and derogatory remarks towards you. Regardless, the fact still remains that you are now in a coffin, eyes facing the church's ceiling. The preacher is telling your friends and family members of your death, and for them it is a highly emotional moment.


I am so mentally deranged that I leave my adversaries with such severe bullet wounds to their heads that the gray matter of their brain takes on a soft and unstable consistency. I do this, quite justifiably i might add, only because they are making futile attempts to gain fame and notoriety through association with me.

First and foremost, you have not been rapping for a long enough period of time and you are also far too weak. I believe you are inhaling the smoke of an illegal narcotic that is causing you to be under the false impression that you are Superman, but I posses the metaphorical kryptonite in the form of me striking you with my penis or a microphone, whichever is harder.

All of you are merely characters who falsely emulate those who you strive to be but are obviously not. Further more, you would make terrible Broadway or film actors. Now the only question that arises is what the outcome of your life situation will be. To figure this out, allow us to take into account the numerous variables.
  • You are generally disliked among your peers.
  • You are mentally unstable.
  • Your girlfriend is a promiscuous, deceitful individual.
  • You have no money and a low credit score.
  • Touching back on the subject of your girlfriend, her child is NOT your offspring. (many are aware of this)
  • Your father regards you as unintelligent, but you try to appear apathetic to this by maintaining that you have affectionate feelings towards your biological mother and she will never leave your embrace.
I am fed up to the point of exasperation with men who complain about women with whom they are not currently engaged in an exclusive relationship. They create problems for my friends and I, who are all very proficient at having sex with said women.


I cause such torrential rains it some how places a spell on your head. I suggest that we stop wasting our time discussing things and kill without hesitation. I insist that you keep walking or you are going to end up covered in blood causing the overall color of your body to be red. It is also important that I do not become an informant for the federal government, because that would indubitably lead to the death of all parties whom it may concern.

In conclusion, I highly encourage you to pay close attention to this last message; I am going to murder you and throw you into a river where your body will be discovered by an elderly man engaged in the act of fishing. Your Grandmother wishes dearly that your soul could rest peacefully in heaven, but digestion is made difficult by the large shotgun wound in your upper torso.


The End of Three Eras

The summer of 2009 was a time of frequent celebrity deaths, so it was only fitting that the following winter would be the death of two excellent T.V. shows and one terrible one. Lost, 24, and Law and Order were all shows that helped define and shape our generation and have provided us with a superficial interest through which to relate to one another. So here's some shit I wrote real quick about each of one.

Best show I've ever seen, been watching it for eight years, since season 1 when Terri was still alive. Think you're a 24 fan, jackass? You aren't, I am. Jack Bauer is the most capable fictional counter terrorist in the history of fiction, and if America had an agent half as capable as him, the War on Terror would have last two hours, with limited commercial interruption brought to you by the all new Ford F-150 extended cab. The Cold War actually started the day Jack Bauer was born; the U.S. had Jack Bauer, and all Russia had were nuclear weapons. Sadly the show had to come to a dramatic end, most likely because like O.J., Jack Bauer simply ran out of people to kill.

Law and Order
This show was cancelled after about 238 years for one reason and one reason only; you moronic C.S.I. fans. C.S.I. is a show set in a world where killers ejaculate at virtually every crime scene, and murders are not solved by hardboiled detectives who break the rules BUT GOD DAMN IT THEY GET RESULTS. On C.S.I., crimes are solved by frail, asthmatic nerds in lab coats who suddenly break into five minute techno lab montages where the music's all like UNCE UNCE UNCE UNCE UNCE as they fucking look at dust particles or semen under a microscope and shit. Seriously, this show has more semen than a Bukkake porn, not that I've ever watched one. Law and Order is a far superior show, but because you would rather watch grainy, shaky cam flash backs, and the intricate inner workings of a person's blood vessels as they are stabbed to death in slow motion, one of television's best shows was cancelled. So fuck you, douche.

Oh my god don't even fucking get me started on this stupid fucking show... I'm already angry enough as it is thinking about L&O and 24 getting cancelled because you'd rather watch semen based crime dramas and "reality" shows, so I think this show needs its own blog, and I'm going to tear those writers several new ones. Expect it like, whenever. And don't worry, I'll make at all articulate this time like I usually do. You know, with like college words and shit.


Formspring.me; Moral Decay's New URL

The premise of Formspring.me is simple. Users are asked anonymous questions about their breasts/penises/sexual partners or are flagrantly insulted without any means of verbal or physical retaliation. If there is one philosophical lesson this site has taught me, it is that under the veil of anonymity people transform into hateful, perverted lunatics who make personal attacks that make Mel Gibson's antisemitic DUI rant look like the "I Have a Dream" speech.

I've been using this website for months and I have had a few really great laughs at other peoples' questions and responses, and have enjoyed answering the many ridiculous questions as well as the few deep and meaningful questions I've received (about two). Almost every question has been about my genitalia, past sexual experiences, and insults made by people who are jealous of the shining example of humanity I am. Of all the questions I've answered, one in particular stands out like Ja Rule at a Jimmy Buffet concert.

Q: how does it feel being a giant douche, and ill beat you to the punch line... dont say something gay like "i dont know ask yourself or your mom". How does it feel knowing that YOU are a DOUCHE?

What this person did here was brilliant. Not only did he make a clear and irrefutable case that I am indeed a douche, he also put it in ALL CAPS and completely neutralized any possible comeback I could have made. Anyone who I've ever insulted knows that my only rebuttal to anything is a "your mom" joke. As a man, however, my questions are nothing compared to what women are faced with on this site.

If you are a female and thinking about signing up for formspring, keep in mind that you will receive no less than seventeen of the most sexually perverted questions a day. The questions will only increase in frequency and vulgarity as the days pass. Here is a simulated example of the average female formspring user's profile.

How big are your tits?

can I fuck you?
probably not :)

Can I fuck you?
No, none of you can, i don't even know who you are?

I'd like to hook up jumper cables to your nipples and electrocute you while I watch five of my Jewish friends have sex with you in an abandoned pool off I-5.
I'm calling the cops.

Even though I did make that last one up, I would bet my future first born son's life on the fact that that exact question has been asked at least once.


Oh yeah, by the way...



Sayings that Need Not be Said

No Offense/Don't take this personally/I'm not trying to be a dick, but...
It is a fundamental law of the universe that every statement that precedes this classic is going to cause some type of emotional distress to the recipient. Further more, the statement that comes after it is usually completely unnecessary or unwelcome such as "Your nose looks like balls." Society is under the false impression that uttering the words "no offense" is some type of magic spell that gives them the ability to say whatever they want without fear of hurting a person's feelings. News flash, magic spells don't exist.

"Fudge" in place of "Fuck".
Seriously, what are you, like, 12?

At any point in time, there are a near infinite number of possible events that are able to occur. Rather than waste three seconds of my valuable time, how about you just tell me? The worst is when the "guess what" isn't indeed rhetorical, but the person actually expects you to make wild stabs at what might have happened in their miserable, insignificant life. The odds of me accurately predicting that your friend has had sex with the semi-good looking barista from Starbucks is 1/1 x 10^23.

Good Try.
Please, save your breath and save me the humiliation of verbally acknowledging my failure. If it really was a "good try" I would have been successful, wouldn't I? I'm all for constructive criticism, but this is easily the least genuine thing you can say to someone. Just let them wallow in their self pity, and hopefully next time they attempt whatever it is they just failed at things will go more favorably for them.

You're not going to believe this.
Unless you're about to tell me that time travel has been discovered, a solid object passed through another solid object uninterrupted, or that Lindsay Lohan has been sober for three days, I will probably believe you. There's a lot of believable events out there, and your friend having sex with the semi good-looking barista from Starbucks is one of them.

Everyone; Stop saying this shit.


Argumentative Debate: A Strategy Guide

Throughout your miserable, insignificant little life of yours you will find yourself in countless situations where you must prove to someone of opposing opinion that yours is in fact superior. These are called arguments, and in order to win these battles of wit and cunning it is highly important to remember these key concepts.

Whoever stops talking first, wins.
Due to an inherent unwillingness to change opinion int he human mind, there are almost no situations in real life where you will change an opponents mind and have them willingly admit it. The only way to plausibly win any argument in life, is to be the person who gets the last word in.

Person A: I feel that a flat tax favors the rich.
Person B: No it doesn't.
Person A: No seriously, if they have more money, they are obligated to pay more.
Person B: Well no, because like, the trickle down effect, and that they pay the mos... [Reagan era tax policy arguments for five straight minutes]
Person A: Whatever, I'm gonna go make a sandwich.
Person B: I win

Television personality Bill O'Reilly is notorious for not following this rule, as he always gives his guests he debates with "the last word". Hopefully he'll learn some day.

Utilize college vocabulary for entirety of argumentative debate.
Using this technique is key for sounding condescending, which will make your opponent feel unsure as to what you are saying, there for causing them to believe that the subject at hand is so far beyond their realm of comprehension, they should just give up.

Person A: Global warming is a government hoax designed to get us behind new taxes.
Person B: There are several logical fallacies in your persuasive argument, the least of which being your low disregard for taxes. Scientists have been proving various hypotheses throughout many fort nights of work, all of which are indubitably indicative of an inverse relationship between human carbon dioxide emission...[Inconvenient Truth shit]
Person A: wow, the fact that you are using words with such high amounts of syllables in them really makes you sound believable. Maybe I SHOULD re-watch inconvenient truth and unquestioningly believe every single word of it.
See what person B did there? Rather than using normal words, he chose to use longer, less frequently used words to support his facts. "Dislike" becomes "low disregard", "ideas" becomes "hypotheses", and an otherwise mundane and pedestrian sounding piece of banter becomes an eloquent college worthy essay that makes Person A look like he went to high school in inner city Chicago.

Alcohol greatly increases your chance of winning an argument.
Because of alcohol's ability to lower your inhibitions, it allows you to speak more freely and formulate arguments more creatively. When under the influence of alcohol, you will also notice a new found passion for your opinions, and a more fluid and animated sense of gesticulation. Just be careful not to gesticulate too hard and spill your beer, PBR is expensive. Lets take a look at how a drunk Person A handles the debate on immigration with a sober Person B.

Person A: Really? How can you believe that the Arizona immigration bill is not racist?
Person A: Let me get this straight. You think its not racist... because they're spics?
Person B: Why are you yelling? We're in an Applebees man.
Person B: [pays bill] I'm out of here, get your self a cab, you shouldn't drive.

Person A's arguments now has a fresh, controversial spin to it that is actually quite ironic in retrospect. This gives his debate a fresh sense of realness that may make others also question their racial motives and sensibilities.

In conclusion, I leave you with these tried and true methods, and wish you the best of luck in your life's meaningless quarrellings with people of differing politically engineered opinions.


When I show up to the max on bike, get the fuck out the way

This blog is dedicated to all you mother fuckers that ride the max at around five pm, and stand in my way while I try to hang my bike on the designated hook. I know not everyone can do their part to save the world from global warming like me, but I think the least you could do to show appreciation for my care for the environment is to step the fuck out the way when I try to get on the train.

As a person who has virtually zero C02 emissions, I am a shining example of society, should be held in a much higher regard than common Earth-killing motorists, so please, all I ask is that you max riders step out of the way so I can hang my bike up. The other day an elderly woman told me to get off and wait for the next train. I promptly looked her in the eye, gave a firm "no", and that bitch shut the fuck up real quick. Another time an urban gentleman told me that I was, "taking up a lot of space with that bike man" as he stood in the very area where I was supposed to place my bike.

Not being one to provoke confrontation, I gave him a stern look, glanced down and to the right at the sign that said something to the extent of "don't fucking stand here because its where people who care about the environment hang their bikes", and he immediately moved to another part of the train and sat the fuck down, like the little bitch he was.

In conclusion, as a cyclist I am a shining example of society, someone Al Gore should thank, and an overall upstanding citizen of Earth. The only reason I ride a bike is because of my undying love for the Planet Earth and it has nothing to do with the fact that I lost my license because of a DUI. So you're welcome, citizens of Earth. Because of me the Polar Ice Caps will be around that much longer.

Captain Planet out.

The Most Morbid Message Ever Delivered by a Movie

The 2004 Clint Eastwood masterpiece Million Dollar Baby, despite having a name that makes it sound like a movie about high-end adoption, won a staggering four Oscars, along with 45 other lesser awards. The movie details the life of Maggie Fitzgerald (Hillary Swank), a woman who becomes a professional boxer with the reluctant help of a near fossilized Clint Eastwood, who's dialog consists mostly of incoherent mumbling. The movie is great, until you realize the overall message of this movie.

If at any point in your life you should become a paraplegic, you should just... fucking kill yourself. Fitzgerald suffers a major spinal injury at the hands of a cheap shot after the bell had rung, and she spends the final hour of the movie trying to convince Eastwood to kill her.
Clint Eastwood 01 Pictures, Images and Photos
Get off my lawn zipperhead...

I saw this movie senior year, in a writing class. The teacher also showed us the movie Mean Girls, probably just to show us that there was a time when Lindsay Lohan wasn't a crack whore. We were asked to write a journal entry on whether she was right for wanting to kill myself, and apparently half of my class was full of suicidal maniacs.

There were many arguments as to why she was correct, and the belief was widely held that Boxing was the only thing she had in her life, that she was totally right convincing Clint to commit murder and possibly spend the rest of his life in jail. You're right guys, no one has ever been a quadriplegic and gone on to lead a successful and rewarding life.
Hawking Pictures, Images and Photos
"Black holes and shit" -Stephen Hawking


Seta Kavianian

I will begin by saying that Seta is one of the greatest people in the entire world and one of few people whom I hold in high regard. She is objectively superior to her peers in the following ways. Her beauty radiates like the warm glow of the afternoon sun in midsummer and her pearl white teeth glisten like fresh snow when she smiles as my ever faster beating heart melts like a plastic tupperware lid in the microwave. It is my contention that without more people like Seta this world will quickly fall into a state of moral decay and general disarray.

Seta's razor sharp wit and no-holds-barred attitude is exactly what I look for in a person and it is in no way correct to describe her personality with words such as "fake" like so many anonymous formspring users mistakenly use. In conclusion, Seta is a shining example of humanity, a rare desert flower of beauty, (desert because she's Iranian), and is generally someone who is actually not wasting my oxygen and food supply by being alive.


Stop Calling it "Rip City"

Having lived in Portland for YEARS and also having followed the Blazers all season--pre-draft workouts included--I can say that I am as disappointed as anyone in their recent defeat at the hands of the crystal meth addict looking Steve Nash and the Phoenix Suns.

However, I find myself in a state of somewhat relief in the fact that I no longer have to see, hear, or even think about the words "Rip City". At least until I see some hip fan wearing their bafflingly uncreative alternate jersey, that is. Seriously, Ray Charles could have designed a better looking jersey, and he's blind.

Many people wonder why such a nick name was given to our NBA team, and quite a few theories have been postulated over the years. Some people claim it represents the "rip" sound the net makes when you score, but if this were true we would be called "Swish City", which is more retarded by light years. Another popular hypothesis is that "dude its because like, when you RIP A BONG!!" Although about 98% of Portlandites smoke marijuana on a regular basis, this hypothesis also holds no ground.

There are a lot of proposed reasons out there for the name Rip City, but you better tie your belt around your lower bicep, because I'm about to mainline some truth right into your veins. The phrase "Rip City" means absolutely nothing. I don't normally use bold italics, but I think this situation more than called for it.

In 1971 during a game against the Lakers, the Blazers' commentator Bill Schonely witnessed a long range shot go in, and in the heat of the moment yelled out "Rip City! All right!" To this very day Schonely has no idea why he said it, and claims it just came out of his mouth. From that moment forward it was decided that the Portland Trail Blazers would be referred to as a tourettes-like exclamation. By now I hope you can see why I am so off put by this nick name.

It would be like the ever increasingly senile Mike Rice randomly saying "Snake Aquarium" after a clutch three by Roy and having that be our nick name for ever. I know this nick names going no where, but I just hope that next season we can at least get past the first round and maybe, just maybe our centers' knee tendons will stop having the strength of rubber bands. It would also be a lot less embarrassing if they'd stop sending pictures of their dicks to people. I'm talking to you, Oden.


Why My Blog is the Best Fucking Thing on the Internet

As you can see by the title, this IS the Best Blog Ever Written of All Time, and I think after tens of ones of posts, its time for me to explain why this is by comparing it to your blog in the form of poetry.

Your blog is an insect,
my blogs a god.
My blog is concrete,
yours is made of mud (sod)

My writing is impeccable,
yours is peccable,
your blog is hella quiet,
mine is 86 decibels.

your blog is about how you suck,
and you forgot how to shower.
Your mom reads my blog,
for like fucking six hours.

my blogs fillet min Yong,
your blog is creamed corn.
Best thing on the internet.
even better than porn.

my blog is insightful,
philisophoc like plato,
your blog gets less views
than dennis rodman with a dildo.

so take that to your grave,
not 2 fucks i gave,
take some ecstasy,
and my blogs like a rave. (only better)

My blogs the kind of shit,
that influences local news,
your blogs the kind of shit,
that doesn't get hella views (hits)

So i'm gonna weave this shit,
like a spider's spinneret,
now go and take your weak ass shit,
straight off the internet.

You're probably thinking to yourself right now, "wow, this shit really is that good, how can I write like you? The way you make fun of fat people and talk about how you don't like anything is great, and how the only things you like are only a result of your dislike for something else, brilliant!" Well to answer that as accurately as possible, you can't. You'll keep writing the same shit people like me were writing years ago while my blog gets more hits than google, or a lindsay lohan sex tape.

In 100 years, philosophy teachers will have to skip right over Plato and Aristotle and all those primitive figures and skip straight ahead to the real hella enlightened shit that I write. Technically this isn't even a blog, its a collection of observational humor articles. I'd have my own website, I just don't know how to code HTML or buy domain names, because that shits for like, hella nerds.. A "blog" can best be exemplified in the following parody.

Mood: Apathetic. Date 4/20/69 lol

Hey guys, lol, So basically my day was like, I dont know, okayyyy.... lol I woke up at around seven thirty and realized how miserable my life was because my black rimmed glasses broke the night before lol, but then i saw my cat and i petted it so it was cool lol. then i had breakfast and my mom was like, "did you do your homework?" and i was like "yes". My mom is always on my about my homework lol. Then i went outside and went to tie my shoe when I realized I hadn't put my shoes on, How embarrassing!!! lol. so anyway, lol, the bus came at its usual time (7:56) ROFL and when i got on my friend tim sat next to me and we traded pogs until we got to school haha. I went to my first class and my teacher lol asked for our homework, but then I realized I had left it on the kitchen table LMAO! What's ironic is that it was the very homework my mom had asked me about. |

Yeah, that's basically 98 percent of the garbage out there on this website, and its shit like this that makes it so people don't take bloggers seriously. In the mainstream, it is assumed that anyone who blogs is a 14 year old girl with Alzheimers.

This blog was published unedited for ironic purposes.