The Objective Truth Behind the 4Loko Ban

The United States legislature is at it again and assisting large corporations by accusing the makers of Four Loko to be producing a dangerous beverage that is killing otherwise responsible college students and being marketed to children. This is especially dangerous because as we all know, children are allowed to buy alcohol. You most likely remember my article that exposed the real reasons behind the illegality of clove cigarettes, because you've read every single one of these, and you will see in this piece that their motives are shockingly the same.
Shockingly. The Same.
This is by far one of the single most unconstitutional thing the government has ever done, and should be thought to be both reprehensible and un-American. Four Loko does not contain a single ingredient that poses a threat to anyone in moderation. Alcohol poisoning related deaths are likely to happen to anyone, and the addition of caffeine actually makes this drink safer. For instance;
  • Most people tend to "pass out" when under the influence of large quantities of alcohol. With the addition of caffeine, the drinker is enabled to stay up longer and have more fun. You are also less likely to have your body tampered with.
  • Rapes related to people passed out are virtually nullified by Four Loko. (see above)
  • Caffeine is said to offset the effects of alcohol, making drunk driving much safer. This dramatically decreases the number of drunk driving fatalities.
  • Four Loko makes almost any woman look fantastic.
To be fair, I did sit down and make a list of every possible negative thing about Four Loko that I could possibly think of, so here's that list.
  • I'm not drinking one right now.
From this fair and balanced argument, its pretty easy to say that Four Loko has no objectively bad aspects to it, and the only people who have been sent to hell by this drink died for the same reasons anyone else who dies of alcohol poisoning does; bad luck. If this is all true, then why is the government so adamant about pulling this Nectar of the Gods from the shelves? One not need be Stephen Hawking to see the crippling evidence as to why the government hates this drink.

Its common knowledge that the government is controlled by large corporations. If you think I am wrong on this, you obviously don't know who our Treasury Secretary and Chief of Staff are and who they used to work for. (The major banks). You also probably don't know what company is rebuilding Iraq, that Dick Cheney used to be CEO of. (Halliburton)

Now that Four Loko, produced by a small, independent company called Phusion, has produced a product that consumers have decided fucks you up longer and quicker than beer, Anhauser-Busch and Miller have created media hype about 12 year old's thinking that the pretty colors on the cans are turning them into alcoholics over night. I have no direct proof of any of this being true at all, because I don't need proof. Regardless of whether or not this is true, beer sales are going to sky rocket. Their logic is exactly the same as when Big Tobacco lobbied the government to ban clove cigarettes, because before that happened India controlled a whopping 1% of the U.S. tobacco market.

If you are one of the brainwashed masses who believes that Four Loko has been rightfully banned, you are objectively wrong and any argument you make for yourself can be refuted by the following statement; Caffeine is legal, alcohol is legal. People die of alcohol poisoning all the time and its their fault for not drinking responsibly. Again, if you disagree with me on this, you are wrong.


  1. The question now is; where did they dispose of these four lokos that were deemed unsafe to americans. I saw a group of young black adults wheeling away a large load of four lokos in a red wagon the day before they were banned. Oh, to be them.

  2. I found a new source of lokos. The gas station up the road from me. "redbird" has blue raspberry, orange, grape and fruit punch left in stock.