Why You Care About the AZ Immigration Bill

None of you give a fuck about the well being and treatment of Mexican immigrants, your're just taking the side of whatever political party you think is cool at the moment. All you Toby Keith/NASCAR/cousin-banging fans think Mexicans should be deported after 10 hours of warterboarding, and you affirmative action liberals think that not only should they be allowed to stay, but that if a company decides not to hire them its racist and has nothing to do with their lack of English speaking abilities.

Here's the truth about the AZ immigration bill; whether or not it is passed, nothing will change. Police officers have been harassing minorities ever since the dawn of civilization. The funny thing about this bill is how objectively clear it is that it isn't racist. The only reason any of you think it is, is because you watch the news. Here's a pro tip about the media; they have to compete with programing such as Jersey Shore and 16 and Pregnant, so in order to get your attention they try to get you emotionally involved in things that don't directly effect you.

Quite frankly, you most likely shouldn't even care about the AZ bill. I don't, but I'm writing this because it annoys me that all of you do. Here is a list of attributes you must have in order to be effected by this bill:
  • You must be an illegal immigrant.
  • You must live in Arizona.
  • You must be a criminal.
Oh, what was that last thing, you ask? Contrary to what you've heard in the news, which was probably "The new Arizona Immigration bill makes it legal for police officers to use tazers on Mexicans without warning" the bill states that a police officer may only check your immigration status if they catch you committing a crime. This is strange, because usually police officers do extensive background checks on people they arrest, so I really don't even know what this bill is supposed to even do. If it was intended to cause a nation wide race controversy out of nothing, than it did it

In a way, if you think that this bill is racist because it targets Mexicans, that actually makes you a racist for saying that all Mexicans are criminals. As for you all on the other side of the political fence, you'd probably respond to this by saying, "your point?"

The only reason you should care at all about this is because a federal judge is trying interfere, which raises the age-old question of whether or not Federal Law trumps State Law. It doesn't, ever. If you disagree with me on that, you are wrong.


Enlightment: A Practical Guide; Pt. 1

Part 1: Breaking the Veil

Hello, and congratulations on stumbling upon this brilliant guide to quick and ever lasting enlightenment, inner peace, and an overall sense of well being. I was like you once; an insignificant shell of a person living on the margins of society. No idea who I was, no one else knowing who I was. Things were not going particularly well. Then one day, out of no where, I broke the veil and became enlightened.

What is breaking the veil you ask? Breaking the veil is that initial moment where you realize that nothing you or anyone else does in life matters, and the resulting bliss is overwhelming. The experience can be likened to a child having his first conscious thought, or a person using cocaine for the first time.

In order to break the veil it is important to realize several key aspects of your life:
  • The only reason you exist, is because your parents decided to have sex one day.
  • There are six billion people in this world. The chances of you becoming someone important are slim to none.
  • Even if you do become famous or important, you're just going to end up dead some day, relegated to nothing more than a memory in the minds of a slowly dying society.
  • The universe abides by very specific laws and constants and nothing is in your control. Choices are an illusion created by the inherent unpredictability of nature.
  • There is no meaning of life, and searching for one will make your life meaningless.
  • There isn't a single negative emotion that can't be drowned in alcohol.
So now that you've read and understand what I call the 5 Fundamental Truths, you have broken the veil. Congratulations, you made that veil your bitch. What comes after breaking the veil you ask? Part II: Making as Many People as you can Feel the Same Pain you Feel. Coming soon.


The Two Ugliest Famous Women (besides Susan Boyle)

Lady Gaga and Kesha- If boners were people, these two women would have an entire genocide on their conscience. On a personal note, they've killed my boner more times than Harry Potter's killed Voldemort. Every time these two put out another song, Viagra's stock jumps by 12 points. (you know, because they make it hard to get boners.) Lady Gaga was once rumored to be a hermaphrodite. Whether or not its true, the fact that it was even a question is disgusting. I don't much care for either of these women at all.


Why Your Relationship is Not like Romeo and Juliet's

Here are a few things you should ask yourself before comparing your relationship to the one Romeo and Juliet were in.
  • Are each of your families in an ongoing violent feud with one another?
  • Is your attraction to one another based on virtually nothing besides the fact that both families would disapprove of your relationship?
  • Did you really just use that analogy? Seriously, its been used at least several billion times.
  • If your partner was dead, would you kill yourself, knowing full well that they would want you to go on to live a fulfilling happy life?
  • Exactly. Shut the fuck up.
Romeo and Juliet is one of those retarded stories that is inexplicably shoved down the throats of teenagers every year, despite the fact that doing so only makes them even more likely to smoke marijuana and drink alcohol. (Source: Everyone in high school did those things) The terrible part though, is that it was written like four hundred years ago and is presented to high school students in English class, even though its not even written in that language. Historians unanimously and inaccurately refer to it as "Early Modern English", but to me its still Old English, and the only time a high school student should have to deal with that is when he only has five dollars for beer/has a medical need to induce vomiting. Calling that language "Early Modern English" is like calling the Ford Model T an "Early Time Machine"

During my freshmen year of high school my English class read the play, and at least half the time spent in class each day was trying to figure out what the FUCK Romeo meant when he'd say things like "Doth art thou banished from thy depthest tempest of passionizing love." Rather than learning advance writing mechanics or practical hand to hand combat, we spent hour after hour translating a language no one has spoken in hundreds if not millions of years.

I like to think of William Shakespeare as the original M. Night Shyamalan (even though the current M. Night steals ideas from/makes movies about Nickelodean shows) because of his unexpected twist ending where Romeo and Juliet hilariously kill themselves on accident. For whatever reason, I was the only one in the class room who ever saw the comedic irony of the story. The saddest part about Romeo and Juliet, is that it means that four hundred years from now high school students will be reading the shittiest literature from our era: Twilight. More on that later though.


Questionable Lyrics

Its come to my attention that the mainstream music of today is filled with lyrics that are so bad that it causes me to envy the deaf. The following is my personal commentary on some of the most glaring examples of this.

David Guetta- Sexy Chick "I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful."

Here's a tip for you David. If you can't immediately formulate a sentence that is anything less than flattering to describe a drunk woman at a dance club, you probably never will. This makes me think you are trying to politely tell a woman that she's put on a few too many pounds, and that she should start throwing up after meals.

B.O.B.- Airplanes "Lets pretend that air planes are shooting stars."

While we're on the subject of pretending things that are blatantly untrue, lets make believe for a second that this song were never recorded, and that your mother had an abortion.

Eminem- Forgot about Dre. "Fuck you too bitch, call the cops, imma' kill you AND them loud ass mother fucking barking dogs."

Ok Slim Shady, that's a totally reasonable response to the situation at hand. I suppose I should expect this from a man who's written not one but two songs about murdering his wife and kidnapping his daughter, but this is just awful. (97 Bonnie and Clyde, Kim)

Eminem- Forgot about Dre Cont. "And when the cops came through me and Dre stood next to a burnt down house. With a can full of gas and a hand full of matches, still no one found out. (Right here!)"

I am aware that our nations law enforcement aren't the brightest or even most cognitively functioning group of people, but I'm pretty sure that if they saw you standing next to a burning building holding the contents you described, while exclaiming "right here!" to draw attention to yourself, they'd put the pieces together rather quickly. It'd be like a jury acquitting an ex-NFL star on trial for murdering his wife and best friend, even though they found one of his gloves at the crime scene covered in blood. Oh wait...

Ke$ha- Your Love is my Drug "Maybe I need some rehab, or maybe just need some sleep"

Try sleep, Kesha. At least that way there's the remarkably high chance that you'll choke on your own vomit in your sleep, ridding the world of yet another inexplicably famous fake person. Or to be less rude, you were right the first time.

Justin Bieber- Any lyric he has ever sang.

Your very existence has proven to me beyond any doubt that Americans will listen to whatever record executives decide is going to be popular that year. You aren't fit to sing in a karaoke bar, assuming of course that by the time you've turned 21 you've gone through puberty and the bouncer doesn't think you're a 12 year old with a fake I.D. (Doubtful)

Bobby Brackins-143 "143, baby I love you"

When I first heard this song I just thought that you didn't know how to count, but a friend of mine actually pointed out to me that you're just saying "I love you" in the most absolutely roundabout way possible by simply saying the corresponding number to however many letters there are in each word. If someone ever said "143" to me, I would respond with 248, "Go Fuck Your Self." These shitty lyrics aren't helped by the fact that you sound like my friends doing Lil Wayne impressions after drinking half a fifth of vodka. Speaking of rappers signed by lil wayne...

Drake- Forever "Understand nothing was done for me"

Really, Drake? You mean to tell me that the popularity you gained among 14 year old girls from being on the show DeGrassi had nothing to do with your current fame?
If this were Call of Duty, that rapist/pedophile with the glasses would have just scored 10 points.

Despite all this hatred, I truly appreciate mainstream music, and in fact I think its a good thing that there are songs that almost everyone can instantly identify with. Let's face it, picking music to like is hard. Its far more easy to just listen to the current hits and hip hop station and scream like a little girl every time the song you've heard twenty times in the last three days comes on. Also, if you read this and think I stole the entire concept for this blog from the website Snacksandshit.com, its because I did. Consider this me giving them credit. Have a nice day.


The Hilarious New Drinking "Game"

Ever since Jesus Christ made the world's first alcoholic beverage out of plain water, humans have been making their alcoholism more entertaining by creating an endless list of drinking games. We need games like this, because lets face it; drinking by itself is often times boring and mundane and needs to be livened up with all sorts of rules, point systems, and humiliating penalties. My personal favorite drinking games are Beer Pong and LeGone James, where you watch Sports Center and drink every time they say the words "LeBron James". (You blackout within 30 seconds)

All these different games have generally been fun, with games like King's Cup staying around for generations, and lesser games like LeGone James being discontinued due to so many alcohol poisoning related deaths. Yet for some reason, the hip new drinking game "Bros Icing Bros" continues to gain popularity. The rules of the game are as simple as they are retarded:
  • A person gives you a Smirnoff Ice
  • You have to drink it.
  • Bonus points for how many times people say BRO! (points don't mean anything though)
As you can see, this isn't technically even a game. Its just one guy saying, "Here, you have to drink this because its funny watching my friends chug a drink that tastes like flat Sprite mixed with Olde English/semen" There are no winners in this game, only losers. The person being iced is a loser for obvious reasons, and the person who does the icing is a loser because they went into a store and actually purchased the rancid beverage.

The game was made popular by the now defunct website BrosIcingBros.com, which was basically video after video of a guy on one knee drinking Ice while three of his buddies stand around laughing and saying "BRO YOU GOT ICED! HAHAHA" for like five fucking minutes. In a move that can only be described as Kardashian-stupid, the Smirnoff company ordered them to shut the website down. Not only were they turning down free publicity and advertising, they were also attempting to thwart the only reason any man would have to buy Ice. The only time I ever remember seeing a man with Smirnoff Ice are the sexual predators on Dateline NBC. I guess Smirnoff will just have to stick to what they've got with their commercials about sprinkler slip n slides and painting abandoned gas stations.

How I Plan to Fix the Oil Leak