Scientists: Try Harder

The scientific community hasn't done anything worth noting since Albert Einstein proved that E is INDEED equal to MC squared. (Like we wouldn't have figured that out anyway) You may be thinking "but hey, what about string theory?" to which I reply, no, the universe does not contain eleven dimensions, you're just trying to sound smart by parroting shit you saw that asian guy say on the Science Channel that one time.
"Eleven. Count em'."

Its pretty obvious to anyone who cares that science is really hard to come by these days. So rather than putting their collective heads together and solving important problems like how to time-travel and light sabers, they've resorted to making outrageous claims just to piss everyone off.

Pluto is not a Planet
The major astronomers of the world decided in August of 2006 that Pluto can no longer be considered a planet. This can quickly be refuted, however, by the simple observation that Pluto is a large, round thing that orbits the sun. The official term for it now is "dwarf planet". What, so just because its a "dwarf" means its not a planet anymore? I'm sure the cast of Little People, Big World will be happy to know that they aren't technically "people" anymore.
Zach and Jeremy are twins.
"the fuck' you nerds say about me?"
Also, look at the douche with the red penguin T/vest combo

There Was No Triceratops
This next one is just sad. The triceratops, the third best dinosaur behind the T-Rex and Velociraptor, has come under attack from a group of paleontologists who share the same disrespect for science as the anti-plutites and string theorists. Their argument is that they were all so stupid, that they thought the triceratops was its own species when they were really just young versions of a completely similar looking dinosaur called the torosaurus. The image on the left is the traditional triceratops, and the one on the right is a fully grown "triceratops", the torosaurus.
Scientists: "oh wait. fuck"

So for the entire history of paleontology, not a single person was smart enough to make the connection that the triceratops might just be a younger version of another dinosaur. Trying to cover his ass, paleontologist John Scanella went on record saying, "Paleontologists are at a disadvantage because we can't go out into the field and observe a triceratops grow from a baby to an adult". Yeah, ok John, like I haven't heard the whole I-can't-be-certain-because-what-I-study-doesn't-exist-anymore excuse before. Maybe you should have all just, I don't know, noticed that the triceratops looks exactly the fucking same as the torosaurus? I am highly confident that paleontologists have known about this error for at least over 9000 years and were just hoping no one would say anything, until John Scanella had to open his big fucking mouth about it.

Scientists: Do better.


Grenades and Land-mines; Know your Ordinance

Grenades and land-mines have a lot in common with their real life, cock-blocking counterpart; there are times in war when a brave soldier must land on a live one in order to save his platoon from from certain death by hot shrapnel. By death by hot shrapnel, I of course mean not getting any.

For those unfamiliar with the generation-defining MTV show Jersey Shore, here is how grenades and land mines work. A grenade is the obligatory ugly, stuck up, fat bitch who inexplicably belongs to a group of objectively attractive women. Said attractive women will not feel comfortable pursuing men until the grenade has been spoken for. Groups of gentlemen are often times forced to choose amongst themselves someone to engage the grenade, freeing up the good ones for his squad mates. Hence the phrase "landing on a grenade."

In this article I felt the need to create a more specific list of terms that adequately compare real life anti-personnel explosive devices to cock blocking women.
Grenades: The situation's got em'

Frag Grenade
RL: A hand-thrown anti-personnel weapon that explodes and disperses shrapnel at a high velocity. Kill Radius: 15M
Metaphor: An unattractive, stuck up bitch who cock blocks the hell out of everyone until she some how manages to secure a man. Boner Killing Radius: 15M

Smoke Grenades
RL: A non explosive, non lethal hand-thrown device used to disperse large amounts of smoke, usually for the purpose of concealing movement. Kill Radius: Non-lethal.
Metaphor: A grenade who smokes cigarettes. For most men, if a women is good looking enough smoking is NEVER a negative factor and can some times make them look hotter, but if a grenade smokes cigarettes, all it can do is make her THAT much more of a grenade. Boner Killing Radius: 15M

Stun Grenades
RL: A non lethal device that produces a bright flash that blinds the enemy for about five seconds. Kill Radius: Non Lethal.
Metaphor: A grenade so ugly, its simply stunning. Boner Killing Radius: Indefinite.

Land mines: The more slender version of the grenade, but their tactics and habits are somewhat different. "Hot from far away" and "Butter face" are defining characteristics of the proverbial land mine. This being the case, most land mines can be disarmed with a simple brown paper lunch bag.
However, paper bags don't really solve the whole hermaphroditic penis situation

S-Mine "Bouncing Betty"
RL: A German mine used in WWII. When tripped, the mine is propelled about 1.2 meters into the air and explodes with an effective kill radius of up to 100M. The best way to avoid them is to drop to the ground as quickly as possible, as most of the shrapnel is dispersed in a circular pattern.
Metaphor: A woman so skinny she becomes drunk off half a shot of Triple Sec, who bounces around all night and will randomly pop up in front of you, frightening you with her face. The best way to avoid them is to drop to the ground as quickly as possible, as most of the shrapnel is dispersed in a circular pattern.

M 18 Claymore
RL: A directional mine that uses a C4 explosion to rapidly project a matrix of about 700 1/8 inch steel balls at 1,200 meters per second in a 60 degree fan pattern with an effective kill range of 50M.
Metaphor: I don't think I really need to spell out the comparison for you.

PFM-1 "Butterfly"
RL: A Russian mine used during their occupation of Afghanistan. Known for causing harm to children due to being confused for toys because of their unusual shape. They are the worst land mines of them all.
Metaphor: Because of their unusual body shape, they appear to be attractive when in reality their face is BROKE. They cause harm to unsuspecting drunk men who mistake them for attractive women. They are the worst land mines of them all.

Misc Slang:

RL: A soldier appointed with the duty of carrying and deploying most of the grenades and other explosive devices.
Metaphor: The man in the group who does not mind if not prefers landing on grenades. Mostly due to their ease of getting with and the fact that his beer goggles are always very generous.

Sticky Grenade
When a grenade spills beer on herself and becomes sticky. Highly unflattering.

Cooking off
RL: To pull the pin and throw the grenade when the fuse has burned to a certain point causing the grenade to explode before enemies can have a chance to retreat.
Metaphor: To feign the appearance of hooking up with a grenade while your friends hook up with her friends. When the grenade explodes and starts crying, play the song "big girls don't cry".

Disclaimer: If you are an obese woman you should only be offended by this blog if you are an annoying, cock blocking stuck up bitch. NOT all fat women are grenades. Its a genetic thing and is sometimes out of their control. Sometimes.


Consequences: Will they Ever be the Same?

Jessie "Slaughter" Leonhardt currently holds the world record for caring about youtube comments. For those of you unfamiliar with this viral video, I'd like to first offer a warm welcome to the internet. All eleven year old Jessie slaughter wanted to do was post videos for some talentless emo band's fan website she was in, when (probably) baseless rumors of her having sex with a member of the band began to surface. What she should have done was absolutely nothing, but what she DID do was make a video of herself talking about how much better she is than everyone, and that she will "put a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushee"
Brain Slushee was actually the title of a Tupac album

Ebaums World Finds the Video: Does what you'd expect them to.
The above video soon caught the attention of users on a message board called Ebaums World. If you do not know what that is, keep it that way. All you need to know is that regular users of that site have about as much morality as Lindsey Lohan has success in her future. Its great, I go on it all the time now. Ebaums proceeded to bombard Jessie with comments so hateful and insidious that they make Mel Gibson's rants look like an episode of Reading Rainbow.
We don't have to worry about being raped by a pack of Lavar Burtons, and it wouldn't be our faults if it happened. I also don't think he's started ANY of the wars.

The onslaught of hatred effected her house hold in the absolute biggest way possible youtube comments could. Her parents alerted authorities, some fictional some real, Jessie lost her ability to eat and sleep, and her father grew the most disgusting mustache ever out of pure rage. He also made an internet video with his daughter, in an attempt to intimidate /b/ with a bevy of threats. While he failed at intimidating a single person, he inadvertently succeeded in creating what I believe to be the most hilarious viral video ever. Let's take a look.

I've been trying for at least a month now to figure out what this man was trying to accomplish by making this video. "Yeah, this will scare the shit out of those lyin' bunch of pricks!" In an earlier take of the video, he also goes on to tell the the haters that they "dun goof'd", officially winning the award for least intimidating thing said of all time, ever.

Now imagine you're at a bar; you talk to a women who you did not know was with her boyfriend, he walks up to you and says, "hey pal, don't talk to my girlfriend." You drunkenly reply, "she looks like a pig in heat anyway, I don't care". "That's it pal, you dun goof'd."

What's most perplexing about this video are these four things;
  • Who are the cyber police?
  • Why is he in the "Iced" position?
  • What did he mean by "I back TRACED it?
  • Will consequences ever be the same?
Unable to stop pondering these questions I began my research. After about 2 seconds each on Google and Wikipedia respectively, I found that there is no Cyber Police. I let out a long sigh of relief knowing that the cyber police would not be knocking my door down with warrants issued by Tapout and Affliction.

Figuring out what back TRACING was took a little more effort, as Google kept saying Did you mean Backtracking? No, Google. I know what the fuck I meant. Since Google didn't seem to know what it was out of its presumptuousness, I assumed no one did and that he, like the Cyber Police, made it up. What I'm sure he meant was IP address tracking, but with that kind inbred/meth addict accent I can safely say he doesn't know what that is. Even if he could "backtrace", I don't think that the Cyber Police have enough personnel to make that many cyber arrests. Oh yeah and the whole first amendment thing too.

What was easily the most baffling part of this video was his grand finale. With rage in his voice and resolve in his heart, he proclaims in crystal clarity, "Consequences will NEVER be the same" I cannot even begin to speculate what he means by this. I at first believed him to have misspoke, but there was no stutter or restating. I have bad news for you and your mustache; consequences for making fun of annoying children on youtube will stay the same for ever: Nothing happens.


THE Expendables Vs. eat pray love, an Objective Comparison

Over the weekend two highly anticipated movies made their premiers; The Expendables, a movie about explosions, and Eat, Pray, Love, a movie about how big Julia Robert's mouth is. I should also probably mention the movie Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, where Michael Cera steps out of his comfort zone to play the unfamiliar role of an awkward teenager. (ha! thats what he always plays!) In terms of which of the three movies was best, all you have to know is that The Expendables made about 17 million dollars more than EPL in its opening weekend and had at least 136 more explosions. In case you somehow still aren't convinced, please continue reading for a more in depth comparison.

Eat, Pray, Love.
Now I haven't actually seen this movie, but I DID read about half of the plot synopsis on the internet and saw more than enough previews to craft an informed opinion. From what I can tell, this movie is based on the memoir of some women who divorces her husband because he can't get her pregnant, even though I'm pretty sure I read that she's just menopausal and out of eggs, like a super market located too far from the nearest farm.

She then proceeds to travel the world, because that's what you do when you divorce your husband for things that are your fault. (Menopause is always the woman's fault) From there I can only assume that she just pretty much goes around making joke after recycled joke about her purse and not having periods anymore or something. "What's CostCo's return policy on 1,000 packs of tambpons? I won't be needing them anymore, you know, because I'm menopausal and don't have periods anymore?" ROFL.

On opening weekend this movie somehow tricked 23 million dollars worth of impressionable women who think that this kind of thing is entertaining into not only seeing this movie but also dragging their whipped boyfriends out for another night of politely nodding and smiling every time their girlfriend turns to them and say's "HAHA wasn't that a funny joke about periods, Chad?" No Chad, it wasn't.

THE Expendables

The Expendables is easily the greatest movie ever made of all time. I not just talking about action movies here, I'm speaking for the entire art of cinema. A lot of you losers who affectionately refer to yourselves as "film buffs" will snobbishly proclaim that movies are supposed to be about capturing human emotion, romance, and the incongruities of life. Well I have news for you and your stupid incongruities; you're wrong.

Movies are about entertainment, and seriously, how entertained can you be by a movie about people merely interacting with each other? Is your life really so devoid of love and human contact that you need to watch movies like Eat Pray Love to make up for your shallow existence? No, you don't. Go to the god damned bar and meet someone. Now about how great this movie is.

This movie has Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Dolph Lundgren in it. The plot basically revolves around them shooting people and causing explosions for a few hours and then just kind of ends. Its absolutely perfect in every way. If this movie was titled in the same manner as Eat, Pray, Love, it would be called Kill, Stab, Cause Explosions. The real beauty comes from the way directer Sylvester Stallone transitions from fight scenes to shootouts.

One minute they're kicking people in the head, and then as the tempo of violence picks up they switch to shooting people in the head. Its the kind of thing that makes film critics with low sperm counts fiery with pretentious rage and makes real men everywhere want to light their cars on fire just to see them explode. See this movie now, and tell me it wasn't the best hour and forty seven minutes of your life besides the time you lost your virginity. (which was probably more like a minute and forty seven seconds anyway)


The Big 3 Douchiest Clothing Lines and the Men who Wear Them Pt 2: Affliction

Affliction: "I like tatoos but i'm too much of a pussy to ever make the decision to actually get one. Also, my favorite MMA fighters are Randy Couture and Chuck Lidell in THAT order"

The clothing brand Affliction's name alone adequately describes itself; a horrific cause of pain, suffering, or distress. Your words, dictionary, not mine. It takes a different class of douche to wear these clothes; a guy who claims to be interested in MMA, acts tough to compensate for years of neglect/abuse, and always talks about tatoos he wants to get but never actually goes through with it because he hears that the needles hurt kind of bad. The way the designs on an Affliction shirt work like this; Its a really lame tattoo that you can WEAR AS A SHIRT!!.

Without exception, every Affliction shirt in the history of the brand consists of these essential things:
  • Skulls (human or dragon)
  • Crucifixes ironically juxtaposed
  • The Affliction logo spelled in the font "Gothic Tattoo"
  • Swirling stencil designs
  • Subtle variations in the brightness of the coloring that are probably douche stains
  • Or this.
"most guys wouldn't wear a shirt with a giant, feminist angel on it, but then again, I'm not most guys. Please have sex with me."

Tune in next fortnight for Pt 3: Ed Hardy "I am the biggest douche bag in the world and no other type of person will ever top my absolute lameness, not even women who watch The View"


The Big 3 Douchiest Clothing Lines and the Men who Wear Them: Pt 1

TapouT: "yeah, I'm into mma... my favorite fighters are Chuck Lidell and Randy Couture and my favorite fighting style is Brazilian Tae Kwon Doe."

I don't care how much bigger you are than me, how many steroids you take, or how many MMA pay per views you paid 50 dollars for and watched by yourself, if you wear TapouT clothes I am personally calling you a limp dicked little bitch and I really hope that hell exists so that you and your douchey ass clothes can burn there for eternity. All your clothes do for yourself is inform everyone that you care way too much about them knowing that you watch MMA fights, and that them knowing this will somehow cause them to fear and respect you. (It doesn't)

The TapouT brand was originally started by a group of three guys who's douchiness could fill more bags than the feminine hygiene section of a grocery store in Alabama. They affectionately refer to themselves with the self-designated nicknames Mask, Skyscrape, and Punkass. I could go on to describe how unjustifiably cocky and annoying they are, but I think the previous sentence should give you pretty good insight alone. In 2009, Mask tragically died in a car accident or something, probably because God decided it was too much to let three men make millions of dollars off the insecurities of men who think that wearing a type of clothing will cause others to fear their feigned masculinity.

The typical man who wears these clothes is a male in his mid twenties, works out, drives an old pickup truck, and thinks that being an MMA fan is somehow a lifestyle. While watching two extremely athletic men beat each other beyond recognition with less rules than the dogfights Mike Vick refs is always a great time, there is no justification for your life to revolve around it. A lot of these men will actually go their local sport fight gym and take a few lessons, only to quit when they realize that repeated elbows to the nose hurt really bad, and that women are turned off by the sight of ears so cauliflowered that it looks like your brain is leaking out of the side of your head.
Pictured: A man who's ears look like his brain is leaking out of the side of his head.

If you'd like to make a formal rebuttal, you can usually find me at the Kohl's in Beaverton Oregon on the corner of T.V. Highway and Canyon where we actually sell this brand in the young men's section. Although it's the lesser quality MPS variant, (which is probably an acronym for this M.an's P.enis is S.mall) its low price should satisfy your need to let everyone know you are a douschy MMA fan who's been a fan for years and has been following Brock Lesnar since his days in the WWF.

Stay tuned for Pt. 2: Affliction "All I wear is shit with crosses and skulls ironically juxtaposed, so you know I'm deep and angst filled. I also like MMA, but not like those TapouT douches. No, I'm way different."


I Wrote this About Facebook to Appeal to a Larger Audience

I'm about to bring it to you cowards and its gonna be quick. Here's a bunch of shit we all do on facebook that irritates me like the loud Italian family at the table next to you at T.G.I. Friday's. Before you say "but alex, you contradicted yourself because you do these all the time" I'm going to stop you and say that I only do it because maybe it'll make people feel the same annoyance I feel. If you fail to see the logic in that, good luck ever graduating college.

The status about how much you hate your easy job.
Ex: "work 7-9 gaaaaaay" "boo work 12:00-12:30" :(" "Strip club 7-4am, hope no pervs!"

Its very sad to see people complain about having to go to their awful job for five hours as a cashier at Abercrombie and Fitch. It could be infinitely worse. Be thankful you live in a country where you aren't a seven year old in Vietnam getting paid two cents for 12 hours of work making Nikes. (by the way, thank you SOO MUCH kids!)

The Three Thing Life-is-good Combo
Ex: "Beer, Barbecue, and my Girlfriend. Life is good." "Basketball game, Ranch Dorritos, gram of heroin. God must love me"

Woah, dude, you're having such a good time! This just screams insecurity, as it shows that the poster needs everyone to know that yes, he does indeed live a comfortable if not extravagant life. Like pilot fish on the underbelly of a shark, many of his friends will click the "like" button as if to say, "I can totally relate to having such an enjoyable time"

Messages that should be private posted to wall, seen by many.
Ex: Jane Smith > Courtney Courtneyson: YOU FCKIGN BITCH! STAY OFF MY BOYFRIENDS PENIS!" Joe Johnosn > Raymond Jones: That heroin last night was pretty strong. Did you hide tims dead body? I don't want his mom to know it was us that caused his overdose and subsequent death.

I actually don't mind these at all and find them side splittingly hilarious, keep doing this.

Statuses with links that aren't my blog.
Ex: www.anythingthatisn'tthiswebsite.org

What you are reading is the best thing on the internet by a substantial margin, but not enough people know that yet. If you've ever read it and enjoyed it at all, repost it on your wall. Then your friends will read it, then then their friends will read it, then Obama will read it and concede his presidency to me. Then maybe i'll get enough site traffic to get some ad sponsors and finally be able to pay for more writing classes/heroin. Thanks to all of you, without viewers like you this shit I write is basically a personal diary.


4 Loko. Bitch Beer? More like Whore Fuel.

Have you ever been at a party and noticed a college-age woman who is just way too energetic for how intoxicated she is? Unless she's been having rum and "coke" all night, there's a high probability that she's been drinking 09/10's favorite fuck-you-up-quick-for-like-2-dollars beverage of choice known as 4 Loko. Or as I like to call it; whore loko. See what I did there? Let it be known that I came up with that brilliant pun and that no one has ever thought of it before I have.

Four Loko is a 12% alcohol energy drink that's main ingredients consist of malt liquor, pure caffeine, artificial fruit flavoring, and an as of yet unidentified substance that chemically transforms even the most polite and subdued women into loud sluts. Here is how a typical night goes for a group of broke 19 year old girls who are trying to get FUKTUP.

Sarah: Oh my god you guys, my older cousin just bought us some 4 loko! Lets go to Tim's party tonight and drink them!

Jessica: Woohoo! alright! I love that drink, even if it tastes like a melted lolly pop.

Carla: Yay!

Two weeks later

Sarah: Oh no, now we're all pregnant now and have A.I.D.S.! BOO!

Jessica: Aww shit!

Carla: What an unfavorable turn of events!

Tim: HAHA! I gave you all A.I.D.S!

4 Loko isn't just for women though, as many men who enjoy the energetic buzz of Jager Bombs but lack the funds necessary will find that 4 loko is a more than suitable replacement. Only two cans of this will put an average male's BAC in the .13-.15 range which is about as drunk as you should want to be unless you don't like remembering the terrible things you do when you get that drunk.

Be warned however, you may black out despite feeling only mildly intoxicated. The crazy thing is that you don't even remember blacking out! The best way to see if you blacked out the previous night is to check your arms and legs for unexplainable bruises, your phone's call log to see how many people you drunk dialed, (if 911 was called you may have further problems) and America's Most Wanted to see if you murdered anyone last night. (Half of all murders are committed by a drunk person) Watch this video.