The Big 3 Douchiest Clothing Lines and the Men who Wear Them: Pt 1

TapouT: "yeah, I'm into mma... my favorite fighters are Chuck Lidell and Randy Couture and my favorite fighting style is Brazilian Tae Kwon Doe."

I don't care how much bigger you are than me, how many steroids you take, or how many MMA pay per views you paid 50 dollars for and watched by yourself, if you wear TapouT clothes I am personally calling you a limp dicked little bitch and I really hope that hell exists so that you and your douchey ass clothes can burn there for eternity. All your clothes do for yourself is inform everyone that you care way too much about them knowing that you watch MMA fights, and that them knowing this will somehow cause them to fear and respect you. (It doesn't)

The TapouT brand was originally started by a group of three guys who's douchiness could fill more bags than the feminine hygiene section of a grocery store in Alabama. They affectionately refer to themselves with the self-designated nicknames Mask, Skyscrape, and Punkass. I could go on to describe how unjustifiably cocky and annoying they are, but I think the previous sentence should give you pretty good insight alone. In 2009, Mask tragically died in a car accident or something, probably because God decided it was too much to let three men make millions of dollars off the insecurities of men who think that wearing a type of clothing will cause others to fear their feigned masculinity.

The typical man who wears these clothes is a male in his mid twenties, works out, drives an old pickup truck, and thinks that being an MMA fan is somehow a lifestyle. While watching two extremely athletic men beat each other beyond recognition with less rules than the dogfights Mike Vick refs is always a great time, there is no justification for your life to revolve around it. A lot of these men will actually go their local sport fight gym and take a few lessons, only to quit when they realize that repeated elbows to the nose hurt really bad, and that women are turned off by the sight of ears so cauliflowered that it looks like your brain is leaking out of the side of your head.
Pictured: A man who's ears look like his brain is leaking out of the side of his head.

If you'd like to make a formal rebuttal, you can usually find me at the Kohl's in Beaverton Oregon on the corner of T.V. Highway and Canyon where we actually sell this brand in the young men's section. Although it's the lesser quality MPS variant, (which is probably an acronym for this M.an's P.enis is S.mall) its low price should satisfy your need to let everyone know you are a douschy MMA fan who's been a fan for years and has been following Brock Lesnar since his days in the WWF.

Stay tuned for Pt. 2: Affliction "All I wear is shit with crosses and skulls ironically juxtaposed, so you know I'm deep and angst filled. I also like MMA, but not like those TapouT douches. No, I'm way different."

1 comment:

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