I Wrote this About Facebook to Appeal to a Larger Audience

I'm about to bring it to you cowards and its gonna be quick. Here's a bunch of shit we all do on facebook that irritates me like the loud Italian family at the table next to you at T.G.I. Friday's. Before you say "but alex, you contradicted yourself because you do these all the time" I'm going to stop you and say that I only do it because maybe it'll make people feel the same annoyance I feel. If you fail to see the logic in that, good luck ever graduating college.

The status about how much you hate your easy job.
Ex: "work 7-9 gaaaaaay" "boo work 12:00-12:30" :(" "Strip club 7-4am, hope no pervs!"

Its very sad to see people complain about having to go to their awful job for five hours as a cashier at Abercrombie and Fitch. It could be infinitely worse. Be thankful you live in a country where you aren't a seven year old in Vietnam getting paid two cents for 12 hours of work making Nikes. (by the way, thank you SOO MUCH kids!)

The Three Thing Life-is-good Combo
Ex: "Beer, Barbecue, and my Girlfriend. Life is good." "Basketball game, Ranch Dorritos, gram of heroin. God must love me"

Woah, dude, you're having such a good time! This just screams insecurity, as it shows that the poster needs everyone to know that yes, he does indeed live a comfortable if not extravagant life. Like pilot fish on the underbelly of a shark, many of his friends will click the "like" button as if to say, "I can totally relate to having such an enjoyable time"

Messages that should be private posted to wall, seen by many.
Ex: Jane Smith > Courtney Courtneyson: YOU FCKIGN BITCH! STAY OFF MY BOYFRIENDS PENIS!" Joe Johnosn > Raymond Jones: That heroin last night was pretty strong. Did you hide tims dead body? I don't want his mom to know it was us that caused his overdose and subsequent death.

I actually don't mind these at all and find them side splittingly hilarious, keep doing this.

Statuses with links that aren't my blog.
Ex: www.anythingthatisn'tthiswebsite.org

What you are reading is the best thing on the internet by a substantial margin, but not enough people know that yet. If you've ever read it and enjoyed it at all, repost it on your wall. Then your friends will read it, then then their friends will read it, then Obama will read it and concede his presidency to me. Then maybe i'll get enough site traffic to get some ad sponsors and finally be able to pay for more writing classes/heroin. Thanks to all of you, without viewers like you this shit I write is basically a personal diary.

1 comment:

  1. whats funny is that depending on the person the 3 things about how their life is so great may mean different things. for instance some ugly whore who grew up with no dad and a single mother who was missing half her left leg due ot a shark attack was saying that i would completly agree but on the other hand if its some rich fucker in hawaii or something i would just say hes being a doucher....and i forgot to say fuck you! anonymously bitch!