Grenades and Land-mines; Know your Ordinance

Grenades and land-mines have a lot in common with their real life, cock-blocking counterpart; there are times in war when a brave soldier must land on a live one in order to save his platoon from from certain death by hot shrapnel. By death by hot shrapnel, I of course mean not getting any.

For those unfamiliar with the generation-defining MTV show Jersey Shore, here is how grenades and land mines work. A grenade is the obligatory ugly, stuck up, fat bitch who inexplicably belongs to a group of objectively attractive women. Said attractive women will not feel comfortable pursuing men until the grenade has been spoken for. Groups of gentlemen are often times forced to choose amongst themselves someone to engage the grenade, freeing up the good ones for his squad mates. Hence the phrase "landing on a grenade."

In this article I felt the need to create a more specific list of terms that adequately compare real life anti-personnel explosive devices to cock blocking women.

Grenades: The situation's got em'

Frag Grenade

RL: A hand-thrown anti-personnel weapon that explodes and disperses shrapnel at a high velocity. Kill Radius: 15M

Metaphor: An unattractive, stuck up bitch who cock blocks the hell out of everyone until she some how manages to secure a man. Boner Killing Radius: 15M

Smoke Grenades

RL: A non explosive, non lethal hand-thrown device used to disperse large amounts of smoke, usually for the purpose of concealing movement. Kill Radius: Non-lethal.

Metaphor: A grenade who smokes cigarettes. For most men, if a women is good looking enough smoking is NEVER a negative factor and can some times make them look hotter, but if a grenade smokes cigarettes, all it can do is make her THAT much more of a grenade. Boner Killing Radius: 15M

Stun Grenades

RL: A non lethal device that produces a bright flash that blinds the enemy for about five seconds. Kill Radius: Non Lethal.

Metaphor: A grenade so ugly, its simply stunning. Boner Killing Radius: Indefinite.

Land mines: The more slender version of the grenade, but their tactics and habits are somewhat different. "Hot from far away" and "Butter face" are defining characteristics of the proverbial land mine. This being the case, most land mines can be disarmed with a simple brown paper lunch bag.

However, paper bags don't really solve the whole hermaphroditic penis situation

S-Mine "Bouncing Betty"

RL: A German mine used in WWII. When tripped, the mine is propelled about 1.2 meters into the air and explodes with an effective kill radius of up to 100M. The best way to avoid them is to drop to the ground as quickly as possible, as most of the shrapnel is dispersed in a circular pattern.

Metaphor: A woman so skinny she becomes drunk off half a shot of Triple Sec, who bounces around all night and will randomly pop up in front of you, frightening you with her face. The best way to avoid them is to drop to the ground as quickly as possible, as most of the shrapnel is dispersed in a circular pattern.

M 18 Claymore

RL: A directional mine that uses a C4 explosion to rapidly project a matrix of about 700 1/8 inch steel balls at 1,200 meters per second in a 60 degree fan pattern with an effective kill range of 50M.

Metaphor: I don't think I really need to spell out the comparison for you.

PFM-1 "Butterfly"

RL: A Russian mine used during their occupation of Afghanistan. Known for causing harm to children due to being confused for toys because of their unusual shape. They are the worst land mines of them all.

Metaphor: Because of their unusual body shape, they appear to be attractive when in reality their face is BROKE. They cause harm to unsuspecting drunk men who mistake them for attractive women. They are the worst land mines of them all.

Misc Slang:

Grenadier

RL: A soldier appointed with the duty of carrying and deploying most of the grenades and other explosive devices.

Metaphor: The man in the group who does not mind if not prefers landing on grenades. Mostly due to their ease of getting with and the fact that his beer goggles are always very generous.

Sticky Grenade

When a grenade spills beer on herself and becomes sticky. Highly unflattering.

Cooking off

RL: To pull the pin and throw the grenade when the fuse has burned to a certain point causing the grenade to explode before enemies can have a chance to retreat.

Metaphor: To feign the appearance of hooking up with a grenade while your friends hook up with her friends. When the grenade explodes and starts crying, play the song "big girls don't cry".

Disclaimer: If you are an obese woman you should only be offended by this blog if you are an annoying, cock blocking stuck up bitch. NOT all fat women are grenades. Its a genetic thing and is sometimes out of their control. Sometimes.