THE Expendables Vs. eat pray love, an Objective Comparison

Over the weekend two highly anticipated movies made their premiers; The Expendables, a movie about explosions, and Eat, Pray, Love, a movie about how big Julia Robert's mouth is. I should also probably mention the movie Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, where Michael Cera steps out of his comfort zone to play the unfamiliar role of an awkward teenager. (ha! thats what he always plays!) In terms of which of the three movies was best, all you have to know is that The Expendables made about 17 million dollars more than EPL in its opening weekend and had at least 136 more explosions. In case you somehow still aren't convinced, please continue reading for a more in depth comparison.

Eat, Pray, Love.
Now I haven't actually seen this movie, but I DID read about half of the plot synopsis on the internet and saw more than enough previews to craft an informed opinion. From what I can tell, this movie is based on the memoir of some women who divorces her husband because he can't get her pregnant, even though I'm pretty sure I read that she's just menopausal and out of eggs, like a super market located too far from the nearest farm.

She then proceeds to travel the world, because that's what you do when you divorce your husband for things that are your fault. (Menopause is always the woman's fault) From there I can only assume that she just pretty much goes around making joke after recycled joke about her purse and not having periods anymore or something. "What's CostCo's return policy on 1,000 packs of tambpons? I won't be needing them anymore, you know, because I'm menopausal and don't have periods anymore?" ROFL.

On opening weekend this movie somehow tricked 23 million dollars worth of impressionable women who think that this kind of thing is entertaining into not only seeing this movie but also dragging their whipped boyfriends out for another night of politely nodding and smiling every time their girlfriend turns to them and say's "HAHA wasn't that a funny joke about periods, Chad?" No Chad, it wasn't.

THE Expendables

The Expendables is easily the greatest movie ever made of all time. I not just talking about action movies here, I'm speaking for the entire art of cinema. A lot of you losers who affectionately refer to yourselves as "film buffs" will snobbishly proclaim that movies are supposed to be about capturing human emotion, romance, and the incongruities of life. Well I have news for you and your stupid incongruities; you're wrong.

Movies are about entertainment, and seriously, how entertained can you be by a movie about people merely interacting with each other? Is your life really so devoid of love and human contact that you need to watch movies like Eat Pray Love to make up for your shallow existence? No, you don't. Go to the god damned bar and meet someone. Now about how great this movie is.

This movie has Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Dolph Lundgren in it. The plot basically revolves around them shooting people and causing explosions for a few hours and then just kind of ends. Its absolutely perfect in every way. If this movie was titled in the same manner as Eat, Pray, Love, it would be called Kill, Stab, Cause Explosions. The real beauty comes from the way directer Sylvester Stallone transitions from fight scenes to shootouts.

One minute they're kicking people in the head, and then as the tempo of violence picks up they switch to shooting people in the head. Its the kind of thing that makes film critics with low sperm counts fiery with pretentious rage and makes real men everywhere want to light their cars on fire just to see them explode. See this movie now, and tell me it wasn't the best hour and forty seven minutes of your life besides the time you lost your virginity. (which was probably more like a minute and forty seven seconds anyway)


  1. More alcohol sir. You need to have more alcohol in your system.

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