Thank's South Africa, for Ruining the World Cup

This year's World Cup will no doubt go down in history as the worst one ever played. The blame for this falls squarely on the shoulders of the South African fans, who for whatever reason insist on blowing the most annoying horn in the world, the vuvuzela, during every second of every match, even during the national anthems.

I wasn't a fan of soccer until only a year ago, being one of many who thought that only timid homosexuals liked soccer. I held theses unjustified and homophobic opinions until a friend introduced me to FIFA 2009 for the xbox and showed me a few English Premier League games. After only a few short weeks I changed my mind faster than O.J. Simpson when he was considering not murdering those people.

I could not have picked a better time to jump on this international bandwagon, as the World Cup in South Africa was only a year away. As the months flew by my skills at FIFA 2010 grew exponentially, to the point where I am now the 4,998th best player in the United States. (no big deal) The excitement I had was not containable when June 12th came around, and I would finally get to see England play the U.S.

You could imagine the disappointment I faced when I noticed that ABC was experiencing technical difficulties. I thought to myself, "does ABC realize that they're simultaneously broadcasting the audio of a cat being slowly lowered into a blender?" Minutes ticked by and upon seeing camera footage of the crowd I noticed that the audio was actually coming from plastic horns. Needless to say, this minor annoyance has completely ruined my World Cup experience and desire to watch. I could turn the volume down, but then how would the English Commentators keep me informed as to what was happening?

Holding the World Cup in South Africa was a huge mistake, and I sincerely hope that at least one of these fans who bring these horns choke on it and dies. This may sound racist at first, but I assure you that I would harbor the same resentment for any nation who's fans create such a repugnant acoustic environment during what is supposed to be the most important athletic event in the world.

Salvia; the Legal Alternative to Good Drugs

Ever since the 1990s, people figured out that if you smoked enough salvia, you could hallucinate violently and uncomfortably for about 15 minutes, followed by another 15 of saying "Why did i just pay fucking 93 bucks for three grams of this shit?". Here's how it works.

A lot of people are under the false impression that salvia makes you "high". This is balls-deep inaccurate, because a high is a euphoric, energized feeling, where as salvia is overwhelmingly terrifying at worst and a waste of time at best. Salvia works by cutting off signals sent by your five senses to the conscious part of your brain. You know what being conscious but not being able to sense anything is like? Being dead.

I'm not exactly sure how that last comparison makes any sense, but i am completely sure that it just blew your mind. Many who use this drug describe a complete detachment from their body within seconds of exhalation, with virtually no feeling of euphoria or joy, but rather fear and uneasiness, like the first time you operate a chainsaw. After the user is completely detached from reality, controlled movement becomes impossible, sounds blend with each other and echo, and your vision is replaced by Satan's face, staring at you and repeatedly telling you that "resistance is futile".

Salvia is easily the least pleasant drug, and is only legal because politicians think its hilarious that people will actually pay for such a terrible time. Salvia isn't like other hallucinogens where a good trip is dependent on your state of mind. On salvia, its actually chemically impossible to experience pleasure. There's also the persistent myth that salvia, and other hallucinogens provide some sort of spiritual release that things like church and circumcision rituals just can't provide.

A lot of you "spiritual but not religious" types probably consider this drug to be spiritually enlightening, and that using drugs like these takes you to the nexus of the universe or some crazy harry potter type shit like that. You are all completely wrong, and all you're really doing is disrupting the normal function of your brain. If you're going to do drugs, stay away from hallucinogens and stick to cool drugs like cocaine.


Jim Joyce Makes Helen Keller Look like a Perfectly Functioning Human Being

After blowing a call that Ray Charles could have made, Jim Joyce went on to say "No one feels worse about this than I do." You're right, no one could possibly feel worse. Not even Armando Galarrada, the guy you robbed of a perfect game. Galarraga was one routine play to first base away from becoming the 21st pitcher in the history of baseball to throw a perfect game, until 1st base umpire Jim Joyce called a runner to first 'safe' when he was out by more than a yard, which in baseball is the equivalent of several light years. There are three things that the MLB must now do to redeem themselves for this drastic error.

Let me first say that I don't give 3/4 of a fuck about baseball, and that I haven't watched a game in years, but I cannot remain silent about a player being denied such an honor by such an incapable moron. The use of instant replay to make correct calls has been implemented in many other sports over the years, but I have a theory as to why MLB umpires are against this so much; they are all old and there for hate technology. They couldn't figure out AOL in the late ninety's, so they'll be damned if they're going to bothered with learning video software.

Instant replay by itself wont completely solve the problem, as they'll be forced to use it far too often if people like Jim Joyce are allowed to keep their jobs. I don't care if Sports Illustrated called him the second greatest umpire of all time, or how many World Series games he's refed, he is obviously starting to lose his senses and basic cognitive functions and needs to be fired immediately, and banned from officiating baseball at any level, even charity softball events. My message to the MLB; you aren't Goodwill, stop employing the retarded.

Finally, and I cannot stress this enough, the MLB would be REMISS if they did not retroactively reverse the call and award the perfect game. The only people who are against this are other highly egotistical MLB umpires who think that their shitty calls are some how vital to maintaining the integrity of the game. Don Denkinger, another referee famous for missing obvious calls, has come to Joyce's defense claiming to "feel bad for him" and saying "you try making that call at full speed". Like I said earlier, Ray Charles could have made that call and he's blind. Reversing this call would not be controversial at all, it would simply be acknowledging what happened; Galarraga pitched the 21st perfect game in History.

In conclusion, if you see Jim Joyce in public, start chanting "Get a rope! Get a tree! HAAAANG that referee!" Hopefully this will be highly emotionally scarring for him and his family members, who deserve to suffer equally.