Terminator Salvation Vs. Night at the Museum 2

In case you haven't noticed yet, the highly anticipated Terminator: Salvation was somehow not number 1 in the box office this weekend. You're probably asking yourself, "what movie could have possibly been better than Christian Bale fighting a bunch of super cool robots?" The answer: Ben Stiller in Night at the Museum 2. Here's a brief run down on why Terminator Salvation is better than Night at the Museum 2
  • It doesn't have Ben Stiller in it
  • It doesn't have Owen Wilson in it
  • And it isn't about some museum where the exhibits come to life.
Have you heard about the staggering death toll Swine Flu has unleashed on America? (11) Well I think its God's way of punishing us for watching bad movies like Museum.
Some people hypothesize that one day machines will have the intelligence to exist and think autonomously (that means they can do whatever they want, retard) and take over the world in a storm of death and chaos. And I think that if that does happen the machines will spare those who saw Salvation and will turn Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson fans into their pets.

Jig Tough


You're All Pirates. Each and Everyone of You

The very moral fabric of this country is becoming more and more frayed every time one of you heathens downloads a song off of lime wire, an entire album through bit torrenting, or when you listen to a song on the radio and change the station when the commercials come on.
What many of you seem to have forgotten is the only reason anyone makes music is so that they can make money. Without illegal downloading the visionary musician "soulja boy" would be worth over 20 million dollars. Thanks to all of you fools who were unwilling to pay the 99 cent fee on iTunes, he is now worth a mere 9million. This means it is hard for him to;
  • own and maintain a private boeing 747
  • bribe congress and the house of representatives
  • become a dictator of a small African country and siphon off half of their GDP
What purpose is there to create art if there is no promise of disproportionate amounts of wealth? Art is not something you do on your spare time as a means of expressing yourself. It is strictly for making people give you money, and (america is doing this quite well) promoting an overmaterialistic, egocentric society. I propose that every person be required to pay a monthly fee for things like the radio, myspace music, and free music websites like playlist.com It is shameful that there are artists right now who's music is being listened to absolutely free of charge. "Free" sounds a lot to me like socialism. You're not a socialist, are you?

So Much for my Goal to lose 200 Lbs by June

I AM SO FUCKING GLAD we live in a country where the government tells us what we can and can't put into our bodies. Why the hell would I want to think and make decisions for myself anyway, when I can just elect people like George Bush and Barack Obama to do it for me?
The dietary supplement has come under attack again by the F.D.A., aka the F.ucking D.umb A.sses. Apparently, because maybe 2 people died while taking the popular fat burn supplement Hydroxycut Harcore they decided to ban its manufacture and sale. Here's a fact that I guess the FDA doesn't understand. When 107 people in the world die every minute (more than all of the rambos combined) statistically 2 of those people are going to be using Hydroxycut within a period of a few years.
Keep in mind this is the same FDA that has released frequent reports on the obesity epidemic. So if we can't take pills that rapidly burn calories at dangerous rates and give us gratuitous amounts of energy, how in God's name are we supposed to stay in shape? Diet and exercise? In the words of Alexander the Great, "Fuck that shit"
9 million people have taken Hydroxycut. So far, two of them have died. Its a good thing we no longer have to worry about that dangerous drug that kills .000000022% of people who take it. And yes that was a valid calculation
Thankfully, because or country's willfully vague supplement laws, all they have to do is make a product thats only chemically different by a few micrograms of some inactive ingredient, and give it a different name. Probably something like "NITROXOLOSS XTREME!"

Nitroxoloss Xtreme is a copyright of Alex Waterman enterprise and copying of said name is in violation of U.S. and Canada Laws, the constitution, and the Geneva Conventions.


I Didn't Know you Could Use Your Hands in Soccer

Apparently, according to that Norwegian fuck Tom Overbo, when a player takes a shot on goal during a soccer match, or when the ball is in the air, a defender is allowed to use his hands to maintain control of the ball. This is contrary to the popular myth that touching the ball with your hand while in the penalty box results in the taking of a penalty shot. Thankfully, Overbo put this myth to rest not once, but twice in the UEFA cup semifinal between Barcelona and Chelsea.
The game resulted in a 1-1 tie, and thankfully because of UEFAs bullshit rule that actually DOES exist, Barcelona will be going to the final round. The bullshit rule you ask? In the event of a tie in aggregate scoring, the result goes to the team with more away goals. This rule exists because everyone knows that playing soccer on a field that isn't in your own city is substantially different, and scoring is astronomically more difficult.
In conclusion, fuck the away goals rule, fuck Tom Overbo, and most importantly FUCK BARCELONA. Manchester United is going to make each and everyone of you wish you were dead. And Tom Overbo, you better watch your back. Drogba is coming for your bald head.


Why the Space Needle is the Stupedist Fucking Thing Ever Built

First of all, let me tell you why I hate the fucking space needle.
  • Its fucking small as hell. The only reason it looks big, is because it is so far away from Seattles skyline, therefor it appears bigger than it really is.
  • Second of all, it is frequently referenced on the hit sitcom frasier and that show is a piece of shit.
  • Third of all, it was built in the 1930s, and we all know about the 1930s
The space needle is not tall at all, not even a fifth of a mile high. it is nothing to be impressed by, it was built in 1962. Its like being impressed by the titanic; so what if it was the biggest cruise ship of its time, it crashed into an iceberg and most of the poor people on the ship died as a result.
Second of all, the space needle is the only reason Seattle is famous. If it werent for the space needle, seatlle would just be another west coast hippie town that no one gave a fuck about, AKA portland.
Three people have committed suicide from the space needle's observation deck in the 1970s. If it weren't for the space needle, three people would not have committed suicide.
If this blog isnt enough to make you hate the space needle, i dont know what is.

jig tough.


Romance Novels

Why is it that every middle aged woman in the United States has a library of congress sized collection of 400+ page paper back book with titles such as "love in the dark", "the fingers of seduction" and "lust"? My theory behind this was that women just like to read about romance, since that's all they care about and could give 5 fucks less about sex. WRONG. I was at the grocery store the other day when I decided to read a passage from one of these books and what I saw was quite surprising indeed.
These books are basically porn for women. I know what you're thinking, "they already have porn for women, its called Oprah!". But this is actually some pretty descriptive shit. Most of the pages contain very descriptive scenes of sexual intercourse, rich with metaphors, similes, hyperbole, and all that shit. "his eyes were like turquoise pools", "his body was God like", and "his dick was like a footlong hotdog". Women always condemn men for watching porn, but here they are reading it, acting like it isn't. Well I'm here to expose "Romance Novels" for what they are. PORN FOR WOMEN.
I've decided that men could actually become interested in this kind of thing too, so I've been toying with the idea of "Bromance Novels". They're going to be slightly different than the ones women read. The main character is always going to be an ex-marine heavy machine gunner who has to save the world from evil terrorists, and after every mission he goes to a bar and has a one night stand witha drunk chick. The novels will be 25 pages long and on every 6th page will be either a beer ad or a picture of a naked chick. They're going to have metaphors for men, 'MENaphors' if you will. "The terrorist was the catcher, and I was the pitcher. The baseball, my hand grenade", "The barrel of my M60 heated up faster than a Charking3000 Propane Grill", "She was a parasite, asking me if I wanted to stay for breakfast after a one-night-stand"
Expect to see "Explode on your Face" on the New York Time's Best Seller list


The Only Reasn I would Ever Own a Hybrid

The only benefit to owning a hybrid is the money you save on gas

There is no other benefit. None whatsoever. "But hey man, c'mon, it reduces greenhouse gas emissions!" Really? I'm sorry, but don't they STILL use gasoline, there for polluting the atmosphere? "Yeah... but.. its like way less!" Ok so if I punch you in the face twice, that's way better than punching you in the face five times! "there you go, now you're getting it!".
Also when you take into account the fact that only about three percent of every car on the road is a hybrid, you get a CO2 reduction of almost nil.
I love the sense of pride people get when they think they've done something for the environment, when they really haven't done anything. Yes, I agree that in some areas the environment is so polluted by humans that it can greatly reduce the quality of life. I am not pro-pollution. I am however, against snobby pricks who drive around in their prius with their nose so high they could do a line of coke off of their sun visor.
And the whole global warming fear campaign is just a valiant effort to get Americans to be okay with paying European-like high taxes. If you really believe humans are the only reason behind Earth's slight increase in temperature over a few years, consider the following.
  • CO2 does not influence temperature. It is in fact, the other way around. On Al Gore's famous "Hockey Stick Graph", a closer look reveals that changes in temperature occur before changes in CO2 levels, rather than after.
  • The Earth is overdue for an ice age. Before an ice age, the Earth heats up. Similar to what is happening now.
  • The Earth's atmosphere is comprised of .025% CO2. Of that .025%, humans are responsible for 5%. Taking humans out of the equation, the Earth's atmosphere would consist of .02375% CO2. Which I guess to Al Gore is an astronomical difference.
  • In the 1980s, the big concern at the time was global cooling.
  • The Toyota Prius is almost as ugly as the Scion XB.

I Hate Old People in Community College

At Portland Community College, a place I made the mistake of letting myself end up in after high school, there is no shortage of 47+ year old people who feel the need to focus on getting an education that benefits them in no practical way. The time to go to college is from 18-25 years old. And if you're going to come back and try again, at least have the courtesy to keep your wrinkly mouth shut. This one bitch in my math class looks like she works as a secretary at an elementary school, and insists on making "math jokes" that you couldn't pay someone to laugh at. And in my psychology class, any time our teacher makes a lame joke that she doesn't intend to be that funny, sure enough mrs. i'm-an-old-lady-who-goes-to-pcc-and-then-goes-and-plays-B.I.N.G.O. busts out this cackle that makes her sound like the wicked witch on her hunt for Dorothy. I can't imagine how it would feel being a student who is older than my teacher. It'd be like a twelve your old teaching me how to play guitar. FUCK THAT.