Why I LOVE Whales

On January 8th, the Ady Gil, a small boat used by the cast of Whale Wars to illegally harass law abiding Japanese researchers, collided with a Japanese whale research boat, completely destroying it. This event, so far, is the best thing to happen in 2010. It happened in Antarctic waters, and it is a surprise to me that none of these idiots were killed in the frigid sea. To see a complete list of illegal acts with video by the Whale Wars crew, click these words.

In case you've never seen the show, it is on Animal Planet, the worst station on T.V. besides Lifetime, and is about a crew of fundamentalist eco-terrorists who are on a mission to save whales from being legally killed for research purposes by the Japanese. They claim that the researchers are doing this so they can profit from the whales, but if they are, who cares. They're just whales.

Rather than doing legal and potentially useful things like petitioning Japan's government to stop the whaling and spreading information to the Japanese on why this is not appropriate, they took the high road and decided that if they harass Japanese whaling vessels and cause them numerous minor inconveniences, they will have no choice but to stop their actions. Here are some of their tactics.
  • The throwing of weaponized odoriferous dispersers, stink bombs if you will, at whaling ships. This must really bother ship workers because whaling boats always have the most enchanting aroma. Rotting Whale guts is what they use to make many colognes, perfumes, and car air fresheners.
  • Pulling up alongside boats and yelling at them. 2, 4, 6, 8, WE DON'T LIKE YOU HUNTING WHALES!
  • Talking about how much they hate people who kill innocent animals. If even one person on this show is not a vegetarian, then they are all hypocrites.
  • Shining green lasers at the ships. Someone should probably tell these guys that store bought pen lasers can not damage metal.
  • Throwing non lethal projectiles at whaling boats. All of these are hostile acts, and these researchers would be well within their rights to use their military, if they have one, to blow these guys out of the water, like in the game Battle Ship.
Lets now take a look at what whales are and why they don't matter. Whales are over sized monstrosities of the ocean that serve no purpose other than to eat hundreds of thousands of fish in their life time. Some even go so far as to partially go on land and eat sea lions. Are they not innocent animals? How their lives are more valuable the the lives of the fish and animals they eat is unfathomable. They are arguably the most useless mammals on the planet behind walruses and people who show up to their jobs high. If every whale died right now, the Earth would hardly even notice. All it would mean is more fish for us to harvest. Since we cant do that, we eat the whales. Japan is just being smart about the situation.

How Animal Planet gets away with this tom foolery is far beyond my realm of comprehension. What these ass holes are doing is not only dangerous and illegal, it is counter productive. This is no different than a network giving some guy a camera and saying, "ok go rob that 711 at knife point out of your distaste for national corporations." One last question though. If all of these crew members get killed by the Japanese, will they count as celebrity deaths?

Fact #28: The Atlantic ocean is home to many types of fish, but none more deadly than the killer whale.

Celebrities are Capable of Death: News to Me.

In July, an event began of cataclysmic proportions. The day of reckoning for celebrities in America came upon us. It brought the demise of our most beloved such as Billy Mays, and it ended some of societies former social pariahs like Michael Jackson. Just when I thought people who danced around and grabbed what they call their balls for a living couldn't die, my views were shattered.
"Hey, you can't speak ill of the dead like that!"
This piece of dialog usually comes from the same people who like making jokes about when bed time is at the Jackson residents and why Michael attends K-Mart sales. None of these celebrities matter to you. Unless you knew them personally, or were an extremely devoted fan having never used said celebrity in a pedophilia joke, then you have no reason to grieve over it. Or Unless you were really looking forward to seeing the Joker in the next Batman, or a sequel to a movie about gay cowboys. Some of these celebrities didn't even die, but they might as well have. Anyone seen Tiger Woods lately? Fox news said he may have gone to Africa for a little while, but I just assumed this was an other attempt at racial humor.

When Michael Jackson died, there was more media attention than when Kennedy died. My point was proven when Ten Kennedy died. You know him, he was one of those, like, guys that ran the country and things? Michael Jackson's demise, although entirely inconsequential to me, is still infuriating because he was basically murdered by his own doctor. I don't want to go into the details, but lets just say his death certificate COD says 'homicide'. I used to think this country didn't need health care reform but when 120,000 dollars a month for a personal doctor gets you murdered, I would HOPE that something CHANGEs.
Most of these people had alleged drug problems brought to light after they died. They're dead, why does it matter what substances they did before that? Oh yeah, that's right, because you act like you live in L.A., watch TMZ and live your life through the misfortunes of famous people. And what about the most important celebrity of all, William "Billy" Mays? After Billy Mays died after what seemed like a moderate strike to his head from a bag of luggage, it became public that he had been using cocaine. That guy on T.V. who sells slightly altered versions of things I already own by yelling about them used stimulants? GET THE FUCK OUT! I'd be less surprised if I learned that Lady GaGa has a penis.

The event that got the most coverage by a long shot was Tiger Woods' recent sexual affairs with all those waitresses and strippers and stripper-waitresses. Jesus Christ himself could have been resurrected from the dead and people still would have been concerned about Mr. Woods' transgressions. I was just as shocked as everybody else when I heard how much he was scoring, usually women don't go for guys with that much money, and look for more masculine men who don't cry when they lose at golf.

Fact 79: at present rate, every american celebrity in the world will be deceased as of january 2011


The Sportsmanship Police Sink to a New Low

Watch this video. Keep in mind it is completely serious and is in no way trying be humorous.

Whoever made this commercial obviously needs a crash course in sports ethics. Namely, that there aren't any. Here is a short list of errors in this commercial. To whoever made this, I hope you find this valuable, and suggest that before the next time you produce a commercial you do at least a little bit of research on the advertisement's subject matter. Otherwise, people will just keep making fun of you.
  1. If you are going to show a dunk, show the whole thing, uncut, in slow motion, with numerous camera flashes in the background. The fact that you zoomed in on the two hands dunking not only makes it obvious that he jumped off of a chair, it completely invalidates the shot.
  2. Referees are all idiots. You don't know this because you have never played any type of sport in your life. If you have, you would know that referees always make shitty calls and they are always against your team. To not take advantage of a call like this is like turning down the opportunity steal Bill Gates' credit card information.
  3. The goal of an sporting event is to win. I don't know of any sport where the object of the game is for everyone to mutually respect each other. Maybe American youth soccer, but thats about as far as it gets. If anything, this commercial proves my longstanding point that sportsmanship actually gets in the way. From what I can tell, "Alex", a person who I am ashamed to share the same first name with, has hindered his team from having at least some chance of winning the championship game.
  4. There has never been an instance in the NBA where a player, near the end of a close game, has told a ref that he made a wrong call in favor of his team. If this actually happened, the player, the entire coaching staff, personal trainers, equipment managers, and post game entertainers (prostitutes) would all be fired, and exiled from the NBA.
If you still, for whatever reason, haven't learned the facts yet, lets take a moment to think about how Alex's life might have gone after the game considering the events in this commercial, and the alternative. He can dunk and he's only in high school, so he probably has a chance at a college scholarship, and maybe even hope of playing in the NBA some day.

A. Alex keeps his mouth shut, as any other person in the world would.
Alex, being the best player on the team, makes an alley oop dunk at the buzzer, and his team wins the California State High School Basketball Championship by a margin of a single point. His team mates respect him, his coach makes him MVP of the season, and Sarah Adamly, the hottest senior, offers him her virginity. He earns the Play of the Day on Sports Center, and because of all the media attention is drafted directly from high school to the Memphis Grizzlies where he becomes the greatest basketball player of all time, landing an endorsement deal with Nike that quickly surpasses their Jordan brand both in popularity and sales.

B. Alex tells the ref "the truth", like a fucking idiot.
In complete shock and awe at the events that have transpired, Alex's team mates are so frustrated that they are unable to give their full attention to the game. Alex already regrets his decision entirely. Their opponents score a three pointer. Alex's team is now down by two possessions with five seconds to go, but despite their hardest efforts, ultimately lose the game. The entire team storms off the court, and in the locker room proceed to beat Alex with bars of soap inside of socks, like in the movie Full Metal Jacket. Alex is ostracized from his friends, barred from attending the annual team dinner, and kicked out of his mother's house, sent to live with his abusive aunt. He receives numerous death threats, and at least two clear attempts are made on his life. Three years later, at the age of twenty two, Alex overdoses on heroin behind a bar in downtown Los Angeles. A small memorial is held, he is cremated, and is ultimately relegated to the rank of a bitter memory in the minds his former team mates, friends, and family, who's spirits he has crushed.

This organization, called Values.com, seems to be fighting an uphill battle against humans who are naturally inclined to be greedy, manipulative sons of bitches who will do anything to prove themselves better than other people. They make many other inspirational videos and billboards, but the one that caught my eye was one with Michael J. Fox next to a quote that says, "Out-Foxing Parkinson's disease". Puns about degenerative disorders, now thats something we can all value.

Fact#81 if you cant beat them, join them. If you cant join them, kill yourself so that they dont have the satisfaction of doing it themselves