Why I LOVE Whales

On January 8th, the Ady Gil, a small boat used by the cast of Whale Wars to illegally harass law abiding Japanese researchers, collided with a Japanese whale research boat, completely destroying it. This event, so far, is the best thing to happen in 2010. It happened in Antarctic waters, and it is a surprise to me that none of these idiots were killed in the frigid sea. To see a complete list of illegal acts with video by the Whale Wars crew, click these words.

In case you've never seen the show, it is on Animal Planet, the worst station on T.V. besides Lifetime, and is about a crew of fundamentalist eco-terrorists who are on a mission to save whales from being legally killed for research purposes by the Japanese. They claim that the researchers are doing this so they can profit from the whales, but if they are, who cares. They're just whales.

Rather than doing legal and potentially useful things like petitioning Japan's government to stop the whaling and spreading information to the Japanese on why this is not appropriate, they took the high road and decided that if they harass Japanese whaling vessels and cause them numerous minor inconveniences, they will have no choice but to stop their actions. Here are some of their tactics.
  • The throwing of weaponized odoriferous dispersers, stink bombs if you will, at whaling ships. This must really bother ship workers because whaling boats always have the most enchanting aroma. Rotting Whale guts is what they use to make many colognes, perfumes, and car air fresheners.
  • Pulling up alongside boats and yelling at them. 2, 4, 6, 8, WE DON'T LIKE YOU HUNTING WHALES!
  • Talking about how much they hate people who kill innocent animals. If even one person on this show is not a vegetarian, then they are all hypocrites.
  • Shining green lasers at the ships. Someone should probably tell these guys that store bought pen lasers can not damage metal.
  • Throwing non lethal projectiles at whaling boats. All of these are hostile acts, and these researchers would be well within their rights to use their military, if they have one, to blow these guys out of the water, like in the game Battle Ship.
Lets now take a look at what whales are and why they don't matter. Whales are over sized monstrosities of the ocean that serve no purpose other than to eat hundreds of thousands of fish in their life time. Some even go so far as to partially go on land and eat sea lions. Are they not innocent animals? How their lives are more valuable the the lives of the fish and animals they eat is unfathomable. They are arguably the most useless mammals on the planet behind walruses and people who show up to their jobs high. If every whale died right now, the Earth would hardly even notice. All it would mean is more fish for us to harvest. Since we cant do that, we eat the whales. Japan is just being smart about the situation.

How Animal Planet gets away with this tom foolery is far beyond my realm of comprehension. What these ass holes are doing is not only dangerous and illegal, it is counter productive. This is no different than a network giving some guy a camera and saying, "ok go rob that 711 at knife point out of your distaste for national corporations." One last question though. If all of these crew members get killed by the Japanese, will they count as celebrity deaths?

Fact #28: The Atlantic ocean is home to many types of fish, but none more deadly than the killer whale.


  1. I'm sure Hitler fans made fun of the French resistance this way. Great job, jerk. Uneducated asshats like you should stay out of publishing.

  2. wait. he's the asshat? really?

    Peta is just a large organization of hippie terrorists, this whale wars nonsense is no different. The only saving grace is that there is some sort of capitalist benefit for the discovery channel coming from these otherwise completely worthless hippie scumbags.