The Movie Gandhi: Worst Six Hours of my Life

In high school my literature teacher decided she wanted to take a few days off of teaching because she was probably drunk all weekend or something, so she had us watch Gandhi. All 191 boobless minutes of it. What a treat that was. The reason we saw this was most likely because my high school had a super inflated theater budget instead of money for things that cause us to absorb knowledge. Rather than being teached how to write good we got to see dazzling spectacles with near-Broadway quality set pieces and Spanish soap opera quality acting. (unless of course you were one of the few people I knew who was in plays, you were great, good job!) Which leads me to my next point.

Gandhi is by far the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. I will never see a more dreadfully boring and drawn out movie. I would rather be dragged through the desert by a camel driven by Rosie O'Donnell with Brendan Fraser riding shotgun than ever watch this movie again . If you were wondering what kind of interesting things this film has to offer here's a brief run down.

• You get to see Gandhi develop from a young, full figured white man into an old, emaciated Indian man.
• It is made clear that white people are merciless, oppressive capitalist people who's only goal is to profit, no matter how many people they have to kill.
• The non-violent tactic of a hunger strike is demonstrated by Gandhi. The concept is simple; if you want to control someone's behavior, refrain from ingesting food.
• There is a very symbolic scene where Gandhi leads a group of his followers to the sea where he makes salt. I was asleep before this scene took place and I do not know its context, but I am told it was symbolic.
• Martin Sheen is in the movie.

Now if you've read my work before you probably think you know where I'm going with this. You think I'm going to write a few paragraphs insulting Gandhi making various remarks that challenge both his man hood and/or sexuality. Well don't you have a keen eye, because that's exactly what I plan on doing

Us white people only understand two languages; English, violence, and limited Spanish depending on how close you live to L.A. Our strategy for centuries has been to invade a land by force, teach everyone English, and exploit the area's resources economically until nothing is left besides poverty and ruins, ultimately leaving the country in a wake of general disarray. We justify it in so many ways. In ancient times it was the Crusades, Israel after WWII was "a bunch of us were killed by Hitler so we get your land, Palestine", and the British Empire in the 1700's was "even though you live across the Atlantic ocean from us you still have to use our currency and pay us taxes on it" Americans haven't done this at all though, we are the exception. Say one word about Vietnam or Iraq and you are an unpatriotic parasite who is in all likelihood a terrorist.

What did Gandhi expect? Were the British invaders supposed to just say,

"I say, that jolly fellow hasn't eaten in several fortnights. Did you observe him making salt the other day? Truly symbolic."

"Yes. Yes, quite. Lets pack up and head back to England and continue drinking tea, playing baseball with a canoe paddle, not caring for our dental hygiene, and saying 'On the contrary' when we disagree."

"Jolly Good"

The only way to deal with someone who has invaded your country is to out gun them. Guns > You not eating. Fortunately or unfortunately for us whites we've been on the cutting edge of military technology. If the Native Americans had possessed the same weapons we did they probably would have killed us, scalped us, and worn our scalps as wigs while they did impressions of our British accents. If Gandhi had done something like organize militias to storm British compounds using Guerrilla tactics he probably could have gotten those fuckers out of there. That's how America did it, and it worked like brilliantly, because we are the best country in the world, on average.

In the end though, the British did eventually say a proverbial "fuck it" and left India in 1947. Some claim this was because of the Gahnd-man (my personal nickname for Gandhi) but it also could have been due to, I don't know, the two World Wars they had just fought?

And oh yeah, almost forgot, Gandhi's a homo ROFL

Fact#78 World War I was actually known as the Great War until World Wars II and III were fought.

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Johnson Was a Boring Name Anyway

I've been getting a lot of heat lately from readers who find my blogs to be dreadfully negative and cynical to almost apocalyptic proportions. There for, I have decided to take my writings in a new direction. Usually it is hard for me to describe anything with positivity or give anything praise unless I am speaking of the Rambo or Star Wars trilogies, but I believe I have found something that I can talk about in the same manor in which women describe twilight. Let me introduce, my favorite NFL player, legend, and citizen of Earth, a man who needs no introduction, number 85 of the Cincinnati Bengals, the man formerly known as Chad Johnson, CHAD! OCHO! CINCOOOOOOOO!!!!

I apologize for the obscene nature of this picture, but all the available pictures of him on the internet involve him being surrounded by various penises. (peni?)I'm not one to judge someone by their sexuality, being gay is a choice! Please note that the only alteration I made was giving him his trademark platinum mohawk. And besides, my photo editing skills are so great I'm sure you all thought this was an undoctored espn stock photo. (and yes, I DID obtain the NFL and CBS' express written consent to use this photo, signed in blood of course)

Chad Ocho Cinco is not just THE single greatest player to ever grace America's grid irons, he is also America's most joyfully flamboyant entertainer. Some people use harsh, hateful words to judge Ocho Cinco such as 'egotistical', 'narcissistic', and even 'an attention craving whore who makes Paris Hilton look like a frightened dog.' These people have no idea what they're talking about, and in a perfect world, would be deported from the United States in buses. Buses with the words "we should all die prematurely" written on them. Now lets take an objective look at why Ocho Cinco is the best person in the history of the world. And dare I say universe?

First off, Chad has gone on the record stating that European soccer is actually his number one favorite sport. Any American football fan will readily admit to the superiority of soccer over American football, and only a small minority of football fans refer to soccer players as 'field fairies'. Fairies, of course, being a reference to homosexuals. These are people who fail to recognize the FACT that soccer is the world's undisputed favorite sport. An ignoramus who I went to school with recently told me, "Your point is invalid, because the whole world is basically owned by America, and football is America's favorite sport, so by extension, football is the world's favorite sport". Clearly this person has a broken and outdated world view.

Secondly, who can resist his flair and sideline-antics that are so exciting they make the movie 2012 look like a DMV visit or Catholic Church sermon by comparison. A lot of people realize that NFL games are boring and dull, and we need people like Chad to provide us with something to talk about the next day at work so we can derive some type of meaning out of our miserable, insignificant little lives. A few idiots I've talked to think that when Chad donned a jacket which read 'future hall o' famer' on the back that it was 'obnoxious, distracting, and a downright humiliation for not just the NFL, but America as a whole, on the world stage'. Their words, not mine. I maintain that there is nothing arrogant about this at all, simply because its not bragging if its true.

Thirdly, but certainly not least importantly, Chad Ocho Cinco had the shear courage and bravery to do the unthinkable; completely convert his last name to two consecutive spansish numbers. 8, 5. Of course, 85 in spanish is actually Ochenta y Cinco but we all know that NFL sports casters call a player's numbers one at a time. Saying "eighty five" is simply less effective than saying "number eight, five, future Hall of Famer and President of the United States, Chad Ocho Cinco". A friend of mine called this a, "disgrace, no man should willingly erase his last name, forever ending his surname's legacy on this planet. There are only two types of people who should change their name. People in witness protection, and people who have an insatiable craving for attention. Oh wait, Chad Johnson is one of the latter." This guy is clearly a moron, because come on, Johnson? Look in the phone book buddy. There are more guy's named Johnson than there are strait guys not named Ryan Seacrest.

In conclusion, Chad Ocho Cinco is easily the most influential and valuable person on this planet, who's undeniable greatness will never be surpassed. We owe our lives and devotion to this entertainer/athlete, and if I had to, I would take a bullet for Chad. You know what, make that three bullets. If were to pick one person on this planet who I suspected of being Jesus Christ I would say "Chad Javon Ocho Cinco" without batting an eye. Don't listen to the haters Chad, and please continue with your boisterous sideline behavior until the NFL fines you to the point of bankruptcy. I will end this article with a few select quotes from Obama's Nobel Prize acceptance speech.

"I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the considerable controversy that your generous decision has generated. In part, this is because I am not Chad Ocho Cinco."

"I face the world as it is, and cannot stand idle in the face of threats of fines by the NFL to the Chad Ocho Cinco."

". . . A non-violent movement could not have halted Hitler's armies. Negotiations cannot convince The NFL's leaders to discontinue their fines of Ocho Cinco."

"The capacity of human beings to think up new ways to kill one another proved inexhaustible, as did our capacity to exempt from mercy those who look different or pray to a different Chad Ocho Cinco"

-Barrack Obama, Nobel Prize winner.

UPDATE

Well it looks like mrs. my-husband-cheated-on-me-with-twelve-women-one-of-whom-lived-in-a-trailer-park has decided to forgo divorce procedure. What a great example for women. What happened to the whole thing where women leave men who cheat on them? I guess in my past 2 relationships I've been doing it all wrong. I could have cheated so many times, but I didn't because I thought women didn't like that sort of thing, and that it ended relationships. GUESS NOT!

What Kind of Name is Tiger Anyway?

There is a perfectly sound reason from an evolutionary stand point as to why humans tend to cling to one another and conceive offspring exclusively with their spouses. It is to prevent people from unknowingly reproducing with half siblings, which would make the entire population indistinguishable from a concession stand line at the Indy 500- a bunch of slack jawed, tank top-clad individuals struggling to count out exact change for a corn dog. The problem however, is that humans are the only species on the planet besides dolphins who engage in sexual intercourse for purposes other than reproduction. Being a devout Catholic I cannot imagine what these purposes would be, and how scientists managed to figure out the sexual habits of dolphins is a question for further investigation. Which brings me to my next point.

Tiger Woods is quite an interesting person. He is the highest paid athlete in the entire world, and yet his sport requires almost the least amount of athleticism, second only to American motor sports. Its kind of a stretch to call golf a sport, because technically its a leisure activity that old guys use as an excuse to spend a Saturday afternoon away from their miserable, menopausal wives. (MMW's for short) Tiger Woods on the other hand has perfected this sport to the point where he's nearly a billionaire as a result of competing in it. And he's done what any other man with that much money would do; defy every moral precedent we have as humans and bang a bunch of chicks.

I find it truly surprising to think that someone with that much money and influence would throw half of that away so he could have rough sex with a waitress who lives in a trailer park. (sorry, I meant 'mobile estates') What a classy thing to do. Who has time for all those 10,000 dollar a night hookers when theirs someone at the local Denny's who'll show you an equally good time for a 20% tip on a Grand Slam combo. She'll even let you pull her hair and call her derogatory names.

I truly admire the way his wife has handled this though. Divorcing him, and taking hundreds of millions of dollars that he made is very strategic. Its also not like staying married to him would have any long term benefits like helping her become president of the United States. Besides, Hillary Clinton's already tried that, and we all know how that worked out. This is easily the most shocking extramarital scandal of recent history, but I still have to give the creativity award to Bill, for his unorthodox use of cigars.

It would be a shame for me not to also comment on the alleged domestic abuse which I feel is highly believable. His estranged wife is a descendant of the Vikings and probably worships Thor and thinks that when she dies she'll go to a place called Val Hala. In a fight between her and Tiger, the smart money is definitely on the Nordic, or any other woman, or child for that matter. Tiger is known to cry after losing, which is a perfectly reasonable response when competing in a high stakes leisure activity.

The popular sugar water company Gatorade also announced they would be discontinuing their line of flavors Woods has endorsed. In a courageous lie, they claim that it has anything to do with his 'recent transgressions'. Gatorade also told the press that if you look underneath the caps of their drinks they've printed the word "gullible".

Altogether I think this whole media event has been a fun distraction, giving Americans yet another chance to feel better about their lives through the downfall of a major celebrity. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 20 dollar bill and a Denny's reservation I'm late for.

What did you want again? When did you want it?

Activists are like 4 year old children who throw themselves on the floor of Toy's R Us, kick and scream because their parents won't buy them the toy they want, scream until their voices are hoarse, and in the end, don't end up getting a damned thing. But some of these children never grow up and decide to be bleeding-heart activists for some pipe dream cause. I really don't understand what these people are thinking.

"hey, maybe if a big group of us get together in front of the White House, make a bunch of clever signs that say things like "Fucking for Peace is like Bombing for Virginity" and "Have sex with each other, not war", Bush will have no choice but to withdraw all his forces from the Middle East!"

WRONG. Bush clearly didn't give two halves a fuck what you guys thought. If you hadn't noticed, they're still there, and you don't seem to have a problem with it anymore. Far left liberals aren't the only ones guilty of this. The whole Tea Party movement, who's members are affectionately referred to as 'Tea baggers' (a reference to testicular oral sex) by the unbiased press at MSNBC, seem to think that by throwing boxes of Earl Gray into rivers they will some how convince Obama to stop giving our tax dollars to companies who are 'too big to fail'. And by 'too big to fail' I mean 'contributed money to the Democrats'. Hannity and friends over at Fox news love these guys, but the people at MSNBC keep making scrotal humor about them and continue to act like they don't know they're making an immature yet recognizably hilarious joke. Its almost like their's bias in the media.

When it comes down to it, I'm really a bipartisan hater of any type of activism, probably because I don't really give a damn about anything. I'm only going to be on this Earth for maybe 80 years max, and I don't plan on spending it being outraged about something that is completely out of my hands. I also really don't feel like we really have anything to complain about. Who care's if humans are maybe 5% responsible for global warming, there are children in Africa tonight who are going to have their entire families murdered by their own government, and you're too concerned about polar bears to even wonder why that's happening. Yeah, I bet you feel like a real piece of shit now.

AT&T Will Most Likely Sue Me for Writing This

I'm not one to usually get wrapped up in such trivial arguments as this, but after recent events AT&T has given me no choice but to point out what a bunch mother fuckers they are. Apparently a legal precedent has been set at some point in the past which allows a company to sue their rival for pointing out true and accurate information about how much better their service is. Verizon Wireless simply made a commercial that points out just how much more 3G coverage they offer than AT&T. (Somewhere around the 95% of the U.S. for Verizon and an area of coverage for AT&T that totals about the size of Rhode Island)

After the commercials aired AT&T had two options: try to sue Verizon, or hire Luke Wilson to star in a rebuttal commercial. In a bizarre turn of events, they actually decided to do both. Whats hilarious is how they completely fucked it up, in every conceivable way. First of all, Luke Wilson? Really? The smart thing to do would be to bring Carrot Top back, he's pretty buff these days! Its sad because the commercial doesn't even deny Verizon's claims, it just points to its own country wide cell phone coverage, which still doesn't match up to Verizon. Its just Luke Wilson throwing postcards on a big map saying "look at all the relatively unknown towns such as Spokane Washington where people have AT&T!". The commercial is actually a two parter, and in the second commercial you get to see the Verizon guy walk up to him, stab him, and say "Can you hear me now? Probably not, because you're dead. Good." Things take a turn from the retarded to the even-more-retarded when details of the lawsuit become apparent.

Anyone who's watched at least twenty minutes of television in the last few weeks is familiar with Verizon's "there's a map for that" commercial which points out just how inferior AT&T's 3G coverage is to Verizon. AT&T claims this is misleading because all of Verizon's network is 3G, and that confuses people into believing that they cannot use AT&T smart phones outside of 3G areas. This lawsuit is almost as moronic as people suing McDonalds for making them fat and cigarette companies for them making the conscious decision to smoke.

I think having the iPhone has really gotten to AT&T's head. With Apple suing everyone for "copying" their multi-touch pinch and zoom feature, I guess suing Verizon for doing something equally legal seemed like the logical move. There is however the matter of Verizon customers not being able to use the internet while they talk on the phone, which is something that AT&T and Luke Wilson proudly offer. You've won this round AT&T, I don't know how I could ever go five minutes without being on the internet to make a call to one of my stupid friends and/or relatives.

My Letter to FreeCreditReport.com

Dear guy in the FreeCreditReport.com commercials,

I really hope that when I die there is no after life, because that way I won't have to deal with your wretched jingles involuntarily playing in the background of my thoughts anymore. Whenever I see one on T.V. the song is completely memorized in my head as if I had downloaded it off of iTunes, and plays in my head for hours until I hear another shitty song, usually by any current rapper.

Every one of your jingles are not just poorly written and sung off key, they are also mind numbingly annoying to the point where if I don't press the mute button on my remote within five seconds of your advertisements coming on, I have to call the local suicide hotline to keep me from taking my own life. Speaking of suicide, do you know how close I've come to forcing a drill into the side of my skull in order to get your commercials out of my head? Within millimeters, that's how close. Who the hell are you anyway?

Yeah, that's what people wanna see when shopping for a "free" credit report. You look like a 29 year old University of Phoenix drop out who works at a FedEx Kinkos and spends his spare time collecting Star Wars memorabilia, reading books about computers, and getting caught by your mom jerking it to anime porn. You can't sing, you look like a someone who wouldn't be able to get into night clubs, and you have absolutely no business being on television, even PBS or NBC. I would bet everything I own that there is not a single person in America who has responded positively to your commercials and would bet the money I won from that on the fact that when people recognize you in public, they either ignore you, stare at you briefly but not say anything, or pelt you rocks. Hopefully, most of them pelt you with rocks.

I went on your bull shit company's website to see if it really was free, and as it turns out, this is a bigger lie than Bill Clinton's fellatio denial. You get a seven day trial period, and after that its 15 dollars a month. This site should be called freecreditreportforsevendaysthen15dollarsamonth.com. Probably the best part about this site is how as soon as you open up the link we get to be eye-raped by a cell phone quality picture of you in a cheap shirt and a thin tie with a hair style that says "Please don't hire me for this job, I get by fine mooching off my mom and selling my bodily fluids, except for my semen because no woman in her right mind would want to bare my offspring, God I suck.."

In conclusion, you are the worst person on T.V. and possibly the world, and I would rather watch a Survivor 4 hour marathon than any of your commercials for 10 seconds. And I fucking hate Survivor. If your company has even a tenth of a brain between the lot of them, they will realize just how much everyone hates you and immediately fire you. When this happens, hopefully for your sake FedEx will hire you back, your mom will still have room in her basement, and your anime porn D.V.D.s won't have any scratches on them. I actually hope none of these things happen and you end up homeless, jobless, and anime pornless. It would be a fitting end to your reign of terror and would be bitterly ironic, because homeless people have the worst credit ratings.

Burn in Hell forever,

Alex Waterman.

how to be a good rapper

have a lot of money, and rap about it. boom, now you're a mainstream rapper

Last Name Ever, First Name Dumbest, Middle Name Person

Is anyone else sick of mister I-was-on-a-Canadian-T.V.-Show-so-now-I-get-to-be-a-Rapper? I'm speaking of course, about current flavor of the month Drake. Yeah I'm a drake hater. And according to his lyrics, thanks to me he knows G4 pilots on a first name basis. Because nothing say's gangster like knowing people on a first name basis. Where does this guy get off claiming "nothing was done for him?" He was on Canada's biggest show EVER; Degrassi, which I know is Canada's biggest show ever because its the only one that was ever widely popular in America. I used to watch the show all the time, because quite frankly, teenagers in Canada also have hilarious accents! "Hey, I'm aboot to goo to the hockey game! oh no i got stabbed, drama!"

For those of you losers and social outcasts who have never seen the master piece that is Degrassi, here's a brief run down. Degrassi is a show about a high school in Canada, where every student is good looking and has never had acne, but they find themselves in a relatively high number of traumatic situation. Every character on Degrassi has been shot, raped, overdosed on drugs, committed manslaughter, became pregnant, contracted testicular cancer, or any combination of the aforementioned predicaments at least twice. As a black person, Drake was naturally given the role of the star athlete/aspiring rapper, who in an artistic turn events, was shot and became paralyzed in a later season. IRONIC. Although him being shot was a direct result of his stoner friend Spinner, he forgives him. Spinner, in a twist of fate shortly contracts testicular cancer as if by some act of karma. In dark comedic fashion, Spinner refers to his illness as "Ball Cancer". He is then stabbed five times while committing manslaughter and overdosing on marijuana.

But enough about scrotum based cancers, lets bring the point of emphasis back to the Drake. First of all, Drake isn't even his real name, its his middle name, and in my book you either go by your first name or your last. There is no in between. His real name Aubrey. Which when said, sounds suspiciously like the female name Audrey. More importantly though, Drake's main themes in is his song Forever are that he "started from nothing" "I did it without [a deal]" and using the word nigga even though he's obviously only half black. He first became famous through Myspace music, probably not using the the popularity from his show to attract site traffic. As a matter of fact, I'd be willing to bet his music would be popular even if he hadn't ever been on T.V. in the first place.

No seriously, I really do. With lyrics like, "If I'm up in the club you know I ball [pause] CHEMO!" rappers like T.I. and Lil Wayne (the other only reason he's popular) must be cowering in their jail cells worrying if people will still listen to their songs about how much money they have. All I can do now is hope against hope that this guy fades into obscurity like all the other Canadian T.V. star turned rappers. (Mark Wahlburg?) Hopefully this battle rap I've composed is enough to break his spirits enough to get him to cease all his music related actions at once.

Drakes a little bitch,

when he raps its a pain,

you did it without deal?

what about lil wayne?

He gave you 4 mill,

was that not a deal, drake?

do i need to find your escalade,

and disable you front brakes?

I will cut you down with my vicious fuckin rhymes,

put you in a wheel chair,

bitch,

for real this time.

dropping n bombs thinking "everbody knows me"

take a look in the mirror kid,

you're half black homie.

You know G4 pilots,

you know everyone's faces,

but your mom knows me

on a left nut basis.

You need to stop rapping,

because your never gonna stop me,

so go and take your half white ass

back to DEGRASSI.

I hope for his sake he doesn't read this because it will most likely drive him to suicide.

Online Dating; Giving Losers Everywhere Something to do Between Porn Site Visits

So you're a thirty five year old guy who just got out of a bitter divorce, you lost both of your kids, and half of your belongings to a woman who once pledged her eternal love to you, only to end up ridiculing and demoralizing you every day the second you got back from your honey moon. You've put on weight and don't particularly care, because lets face, who are you trying to impress? Its not like you were having sex with your ex wife anyway. You know virtually zero women, apart from the ones at the office you work at who are all equally as miserable as you. You don't like meeting women in public places because the "bar scene" isn't your thing. At this point you have only one option. Online dating.

Online dating is to single people what rock bottom is to drug addicts. The absolute lowest of the low. In my opinion, its actually worse than prostitution. At least with prostitution you're not publicly humiliating yourself with a poor quality picture you took of yourself in the mirror and a description of yourself that makes you sound about as interesting as a Dave Mathews band song. For the sake of my amusement I've perused the archives a few dating sites over the years and have come to a conclusion about the people who use them. There are a few different types of online daters, and if you are an online dater yourself, see if you fit into any of these categories.

The cool guy. In this guys mind, he is god's gift to the world. The sun rises and sets over him, and the picture of him standing by his 99 Pontiac Grand Am and his pencil thin beard are testaments to this fact. He say's he isn't mainly concerned with looks, and really likes personality, but good looks are a plus, followed by a winking emoticon. This very statement is an obvious lie and he will do anything apart from actually going out and meeting women in person to get in their pants.

The craigslist BBW. I don't know what this craig guy's problem is. Worst list ever made since the movie Schindlers List. (it was made in the 90's and was filmed in black and white, fuck that) For all of you unfamiliar with what a BBW is, its a big beautiful woman, which may sound like an oxy moron but some guys are into that sort of thing. Guys who are fat but not so fat that they're blind firing when they take a leak. The saddest thing about these people is that they often proclaim that they are proud of their obesity in spite of the adverse health consequences it results in.

The 420 friendlies. These are basically major stoners who's main dealers have all been arrested and are trying to find someone slightly less attracted than them so they can leech free hits off of them. BBW 420 friendlies also try to squeeze a free trip to taco bell out of this situation.

Olds. People above the age of 50 who are either divorced, or haven't found that special someone. The latter of the two are the worst because their posts are usually dotted with phrases like, "my biological clock is ticking", "need to marry someone NOW" and the always popular, "but hey, my penis still works!"

The hot girl. If you are ever on a dating site, and an attractive woman wants to meet up with you, cut off all contact with her and contact the local authorities. This person is obviously a murderer posing as a woman who probably intends to kid nap you and harvest your organs for sale on the black market. There are no hot women on dating websites, and even if there are, there is invariably something very, very wrong with them.

Most dating websites like match.com charge an annual fee and claim to match you with other members based on an in depth survey that classifies who you are through some type of complex algorithm that can tell if two people will like each other or not. Finally, a computer program that matches me up with women who are like me. For those still waiting for the future, its here. From now on I'm not committing to a relationship with anyone unless we pass a compatibility test. Or better yet, I'll just hire a community college theater drop out to be my wife and act in the exact manner my personality test say's I should want her to.

That just about wraps it up, and if I've offended anyone, good. Maybe it'll inspire you to stop wasting money on dating websites and go out into the real world and meet people. Someone had to say it.

Hey Trident, Shutup.

In case you're some type of mormon or something who isn't allowed to watch T.V., you've probably seen this new insulting, annoying, and racially intolerant trident commercial. If you haven't, here it is. But be careful, as it is very offensive

First of all, not only is the concept of paying a young women in gum a gross under compensation, it also completely invalidates the capitalist values our country has cherished since its birth. And what's more is the flagrant racism portrayed through out the commercial.

The Italian Chimney Sweep man; Because this man was so heavily caked in black coal I can hardly speculate on his actual race, but for the sake of civil rights I'm going to assume he is Italian. Although this is unforgivable enough, at least they didn't have him dressed in a pin stripe suit demanding trident gum in exchange for protection. (and by protection I mean him and his mafia buddies breaking all the store front windows twice a month)

The stereo typical black man working as a post office worker; Oh yeah, because black people are only good at working proletariat, labor orientated jobs. When was the last time you saw a black person advertising for a white collar company such as All State or Nike? Never, that's when. Why the reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are not up in arms about this is far beyond my realm of comprehension and shit.

The tired stereo type of an asian man working as a powerline worker; I don't even know why this stereo type exists in the first place. What's even more baffling is how trident thinks its ok to keep perpetuating it. Asians are just as likely to be powerline workers as every other race. All too often have I heard asian friends of mine being ridiculed by people saying things like, "haha, what are you, like some type of powerline worker?" or, "hey, were's your cherry picker? I think my transformers blown hahahahah!" Unbelievable.

The white man named mr. Jones; As a member of the white race, this one was particularly hard to deal with and probably the most personal. It seems like every where I go people refer to me as "Alex Jones". Not every white man is named Jones, Trident. We could be a Johnson, Stevenson, or even Smith. Where do you think the phrase "keeping up with the Joneses" came from? Racists, who assume that white people are the pinnacle of what a neighborhood dweller should be, and there for should be kept up with.

And that's Allstate's stand. What the hell is Trident's problem anyway? Gum was just fine before they decided to start laying different pieces on top of each other. If I wanted two different flavors of gum in my mouth I would just buy two differently flavored packs. That way if I just wanted one flavor, I wouldn't have my taste buds assaulted by both strawberry and citrus. Trident layers is basically a manage a toi going on my mouth. And that very concept offends me both as a Christian and a member of the Republican party. Sex should only be between a man and a women, not a man, a woman, and another woman. Ever, Period.

Its been said.

Midgets, Big World

When did it become politically incorrect to call a person of unusually small stature a midget? And further more, why are we so concerned about the feelings of a group of only 500,000 people in America who most of us could easily take in a one on one fight. There's actually a midgets rights group (because midgets still aren't allowed to do things like vote) that wants the F.C.C. to ban the word midget from all radio and television broadcasts. As we all know, calling someone a midget is the equivalent of calling a black guy the n word, a mexican the b word, or Kanye West someone who is not the winner of a major music award. Throughout history, the only purpose midgets have had is to entertain normal people, because for whatever reason, people find that a disease that makes you small and physically inferior to regular people is just side-splittingly hilarious.

Perhaps the most famous midget in the history of the universe is mini me from the Austin Powers saga. Audiences across America could do little to control their boisterous laughter as this 3 foot something bald man ran around making high pitched noises and kicking people in the nads. He then continued his illustrious show business career by appearing on one of those "celebrity" reality shows, where he frequently embarrassed himself by having way too much to drink. He's probably dead now or something. I don't know. And by "celebrity" I mean anyone who's ever had fifteen minutes of fame or less. Over the past few years though, midgets have embarked on an epic crusade to show that they are some how just like us people of regular stature . And of course, hilarity ensued.

It seems that America just can't get enough midgets living their everyday lives. How can one resist the excitement of a show that details the boring, shallow existence of a group of midgets who live on a farm in Oregon? You know what would be even more interesting? Staring at a brick wall for an hour. I couldn't believe it when I was doing my research earlier and found out that this show is still on the air. With the attention span of people these days I'm surprised it even lasted 4 episodes. People must still just be utterly perplexed that midgets do things that we do; going to school, working, paying taxes, and getting injured in bizarre pumpkin catapult accidents. We still must not have shaken the longstanding myth that midgets live in trees and spend their lives making cookies and performing strange mating rituals.

A couple of the kids are actually of normal height, and why they listen to anything their parents have to say is far beyond my realm of comprehension. If my parents were midgets I would tell them to stop acting like they can tell me what to do or I would use them to play basketball. I'm not saying I have anything against midgets. I'm just against some douche bag TLC producer making millions by exploiting people who have spent their lives overcoming a tragic, humiliating disease. And that I would use midgets to play basketball. Now that'd be a good show.

An Addict's Tragic, Depraved Story

My name is Alex Waterman. And I have recently overcome one of the biggest obstacles in my life. I did a lot of deceitful things, hurt a lot of people, and most of all, lost who I am entirely. I am speaking of course, about my mental and physical addiction to the facebook game known as Farmville.

The whole ordeal began about three months ago, when F started hitting the streets of the internet. At first it was isolated to small rural communities, thrilled at the fact that someone was making a game about hard working Americans, rather than a game about having sex with hookers and then murdering them afterwards. But in less than a few weeks people from the suburbs and cities started playing it, tantalized by a quick, rewarding high in the form of fake money and fictional farm labor experience.

Farmville is a simple enough game. You play the role of a farmer with fully customizable clothes, gender, and controversially, race. Too many times have I heard someone say, "check it out, my black farmer is growing watermelon and cotton!" Despicable. Your goal is to make as much money as you can by planting crops, milking cows, collecting nuts from trees, and other various farm related economic endeavors. The harvest times directly mimic that of real life: Short term crops like strawberries take about 4 hours until you can harvest them, and more long term crops like wheat can take up to three days.

There are two types of currency; Coins which are given during a harvest and spent on basic farm items, and farm cash given in small amounts over long periods of time to buy things like artistically colored barns and fuel for tractors. Sadly enough real money can be exchanged for either of these forms of false, valueless currency. Fortunately I never sunk so low as to actually spend my real money on farm cash. Probably because I don't really have any. I hit a much different rock bottom.

My addiction to F started as most addictions do; Peer pressure. A couple of girls who I thought were my friends, already lost in a F addicted haze, began persistently sending 'gifts' to me, free farm items that could be kept and utilized, or sold for a small profit. I denied every one of these gifts, and my reaction to the games concept was like anyone elses:

"WHO IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MIND WOULD PLAY SOME PIECE OF SHIT GAME WHERE THEY PRETEND TO BE SOME STUPID ASS FARMER! I MIGHT AS WELL PLAY A GAME CALLED "FACTORY MANAGER MAYHEM" OR "711 OWNER X-TREME!" This concept was obviously so idiotic to me that it caused me a deep sense of rage, no different to the time I heard they were making a show similar to the Bachelor, but with plus sized women and a guy who is into that sort of thing. (I was mad because I wasn't the guy)

But they wouldn't let up. It was like being in a vice grip of peer pressure. I decided I would just do it once, to see what its like, and then never do it again. Before I even realized it, I was completely hooked. Spending countless hours each day plowing, planting, and harvesting. Spending what felt like an eternity at my chalk board trying to balance my secret farmville equation to maximize my profits. I planned every day around farmville. Having to leave parties early, cutting short visits with friends, and I even missed my own wedding. Any time some one would catch me at my computer I would quickly exit the window and lie by telling them I was just looking at internet porn.

My mom eventually kicked me out, sending me to live with my Dad in rural Forest Grove, where we have no internet connection. But this did not stop me. Every day I made the 2 1/2 mile trek to the local library, where I had no more than an hour to do my business. Every day my dad was under the false impression that I was out trying to find a job. one hour, of course, was never enough. I can not even try to estimate all the money I spent and sexual favors I had to do in the library bathroom to acquire more internet time.

I am truly blessed though, because my friends and family eventually stepped in and gave me a formal intervention. I was clean for about 3 days, but I escaped and was found in a downtown library crying over my entire 20x20 plot of grapes that had been wilted for some time. After this, I decided the only thing to do was to hand cuff myself to my bed for five days strait, and let the physical withdrawal symptoms of nausea, vomiting, body shakes, and possibly death run their course. I was either going to live the rest of my life F Free, or I wasn't going to live. Period

Things Girls my Age Need to Stop Saying

There are a lot of phrases that have come to be in the past few years that I've heard girls say so many times that I want to drive a fork into my ear drum every time I hear them. These are sayings that reflect the very stupidity and shallowness of our civilization, and need to not be said ever again by anyone.

"I know, right?" One of the more recent annoying phrases to enter their vocabulary. When I hear this I think two things 1. This women agrees with what I am saying and is asking if I agree. 2. Why would she need to know if I agree with something I literally just stated.

"You would!" Yes, I know I would. That's why I did it. Although I am glad you are capable of recognizing an action that is completely in line with my character, keep it to yourself.

The Shortening of Certain Words Precious becomes "presh", hilarious becomes, "hilar", and me being attracted to you for your looks and personality is shortened to me being attracted to you for your looks. Just say the god damned word.

"Bomb!" (adjective) Whenever I hear this gem of American slang I wonder to myself if they've ever caused the threat level to be raised by saying "Oh my gah, that's so BOMB!" on a crowded air plane. Bomb is not an adjective, its a noun. And please explain to me how a bomb is associated with things you like? Bombs were invented to destroy things and kill people. What you are really saying is "I like this because it reminds me of something that explodes and kills people".

"Dank" (in reference to something other than marijuana potency) I can't think of a better way to make people think I smoke weed on a regular basis then by referring to everything I like as Dank. (When I'm not calling it bomb, of course). Any time you say something like, "Taco Bell is so dank!" what you are really saying is "Taco Bell has a high THC potency!" Which it doesn't.

I'm sure I could think of more but I think my points been made. If you're one of the many women who use these overused fads of language and are offended, then you probably shouldn't have read this.

To all the Asians Killing Whales and Dolphins:

Keep up the good work.

Hippies: An In Depth Analysis

We are all familiar with the hippie, or the Homosapius, Liberalous as they are called in the scientific community, but I feel that there has never been any truly groundbreaking research done on the different species. In this article, I will attempt to describe each kind and their distinct characteristics.

Woodstock Hippies:

Height: 5,1 - 6,3

Weight: 130-200 lbs.

Uniform: Long, unwashed hair, tye dye, bare feet, Native American jewelry, naked.

Occupation: None

Source of Income: Various odd jobs, pan handling.

These are the original hippies. They came into existence in the 1960's in San Francisco in response to America's involvement in the Vietnam War. Their theory was that if enough of them got together in large groups, used copious amounts of marijuana and acid, and came up with clever slogans such as "make love not war" the U.S. would withdraw its troops from Asia and end the war. Although their views were noble, it was hard for mainstream Americans (squares) to accept their alternative lifestyles.

Activist Hippies

Height: 4,9 - 6,11

weight: under 150 lbs.

Uniform: Black rimmed glasses, wool beanie, hybrid with witty bumper sticker.

Occupation: None

Source of income: Wealthy Parent's trust fund.

Activist hippies generally live in large west coast cities such as San Francisco or Seattle, and enjoy activities such as protesting companies that make money, donating money to ACORN, and letting everyone know how they aren't as in tune with things as they are. They spend hours preaching about how big corporations are greedy and are destroying America, as they sip their Starbucks frappuccino and blog about how we had 9/11 coming on their mac book pros.

Environmentalist Hippies

Height: 3,4

Weight: 100 lbs (due to lack of spine)

Uniform: Hemp hat, Hemp shirt, Birkenstock sandals, 100% fair trade denim jeans.

Occupation: volunteer/none

Source of income: Unknown

Easily the most volatile and hateful species of homosapius liberalus. In their minds, they are soldiers of the Earth marching against the evil human race who is doing nothing but conspiring to destroy it by driving cars and using electricity. Can be seen outside of book stores all across America with petitions to ban the use of all fossil fuels and electricity. They believe humans are 150% responsible for global warming, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

These are only a few of the major types, and there are countless variations and sub groups among each of these. If you are one of these people, and you were offended by this blog, you should probably show it to all you're hippie friends so they can see what a hateful, ignorant person I am for not being one of you guys. I actually happen to have a lot of liberal views, I'm just not a total dick about them like some people.

The Solution to Global Warming

I have figured out the only two possible solutions to global warming that will completely eliminate the effect we have on the Earth's climate. It is despicable to think that we humans could keep destroying this precious world by contributing to 5% of a "green house gas" that accounts for .025% of the Earth's atmosphere. I am speaking of course, about Carbon Dioxide!!1! And so here are my two proposals.

1. Proposal 1: We completely abandon all the technological progress we've made as humans and revert back to the days of horse-based travel and candle based lighting. We all know that solar and wind power don't account for jack shit of our power needs, and that hybrid cars, even though they use less gas, still emit carbon dioxide, there for hybrids have solved absolutely nothing at all.
2. Proposal 2: We all kill ourselves. Kind of hard to for us to pollute if we're all dead. Think about it, it makes perfect sense!
   

For those of you who have absolutely no ability to detect sarcasm, I am not a fan of this whole global warming movement. Even if it were real, which all true scientific evidence says it isn't, it would be thousands of years before we were truly effected. And even if it were true and global warming were able to have harmful effects by the next generation, guess what Bob Dylan, I don't plan on ever having kids! Put that in your bong and smoke it.

If you believe humans are responsible for climate change, and we should pay ludicrous carbon taxes to prevent this problem, you are wrong. You are as wrong as the Iranians who deny the holocaust, and you are as wrong as Charlie Sheen for thinking 9/11 was a government conspiracy. (I still love Platoon and Two and a Half Men though) Feel free to try to convince me otherwise, I always enjoy a good laugh.

Changes I'm Making in my Life Now that I'm Twenty

Here is a comprehensive list of behavioral changes I will be making now that I am a twenty year old young adult. To begin, here is a list of words I will be effectively striking from my vocabulary, and justification for doing so.

1. Hella- This has been the hipster way of saying "very" for about 6 years now, and is short for "hell of a".
2. Douche Bag- I can think of at least 20 words I can call someone that are more insulting than a feminine hygiene device.
3. Hella Douche Bag- I need to think of better ways of insulting people than calling them "very douche bags"
4. The- Such an overused, over rated word. There is no need for it. Why say "the cat jumped over the dog" when you can say "cat jumped over dog" 'The' is a complete waste of my time, and is there for stricken from my vocabulary.
5. Righteous- I've never used this word before, and don't intend to
6. On the Reg- How about instead of saying, "I get drunk on the reg" people say "I am intoxicated quite often" Get some class.
7. Strapped- I'm not strapped, I'm carrying a concealed weapon. Had I been 'strapped' I'd be in prison for a year
8. Talkin' Shit- Replaced by "Making derogatory comments"

Now for some phrases or situations I no longer find humorous.

1. That's what she said- Over the years 'she' has said a lot of things. From its getting hard, to its in the hole, to even the must unwarrantable phrases like try this tie on for me.
2. The number 69. Having learned the crude, disgraceful meaning of this number in fifth grade, I think its time I stop blurting out fake laughter any time my Community College professor tells us to turn to page 69.
3. Somebody getting kicked in the nuts- This has been a classic for years, but its humor is starting to wear off. I will only laugh at this unless there is some context, such as the kick recipient being a police officer or trusted religious official.
4. The Austin Powers trilogy- These movies stopped being funny to me years ago, but its good to finally make it official.
5. Every time Obama says that universal health care will not raise taxes or increase our national deficit. I admit, I laughed pretty hard the first few times, but now he's just killing it.
6. Your mom- These jokes really only work on Italians, and I don't know too many of them

I hope you enjoyed these lists. Actually, what the fuck do I care. I'm 20 years old. I'm not here to amuse you, or your mom, whom by the way I 69'ed the other night. That's right, I talk shit on the reg. I'll see all you hella douche bags later, I'm gonna go watch all the Austin Powers movies, but fast forward to the part where people get kicked in the nuts.

On Being Twenty

The twentieth birthday has absolutely no meaning except for these two: I am no longer a teenager, and I have only a year left until I am deemed mature enough by the United States to purchase and consume alcohol. For some, twenty is a major mile stone. To me, of course, it means absolutely nothing. Here are some other birthdays deemed important that I still find to be irrelevant.

Six Months: Whoop dee fucking doo your baby is still alive after six months and no one has shaken it to death.

10 years: Double digits, big deal. you still cant drink or smoke.

13 years: Great, now you're a god damned teenager. Have fun growing pubes, smelling bad, and being extremely awkward around member of the opposite sex.

16 years: This birthday is only important to those who's parents can afford to buy them a car, and pay outrageously high insurance for them.

And that concludes my list of birthdays that I don't much care for. Have a nice day, and may God have mercy on your soul.

If These Shows are What Reality is, Then Kill Me Now

Deadliest Catch: Give me a fucking break. The fact that people actually watch this show is proof enough for me that the United States educational system has failed us. Is it really that hard to believe that people take large boats off the coast of Alaska and catch crab? Is it even harder to believe that it isn't that easy of a job? This is easily the most redundant of the reality shows. One boat has an easy time catching crab, another has a fairly mediocre but average catch, and the other boat gets stuck in treacherous ice, and the captain has to make a decision that could decide the fate of millions of people world wide.

Operation Repo: One of my favorite. Nothing is more entertaining than seeing some dead beat who's three months behind on their 99 Pontiac Grand Am lease get into a heated argument with a repo man, usually swearing. Verbal disagreements, classic! I can't watch this show because its too depressing to know that these assholes are actually real people. One person even lit the car on fire that the repo men were trying to claim. This must of been staged, because no one is stupid enough to destroy a car they don't even own. But then again, America isn't that bright these days, look at all the people who can't get jobs! They should make the opposite of this show and call it Payed in Full: A reality show chronicling the colorful lives of ordinary citizens who make full, prompt payments on the property they have leased.

Survivor: Other than the fact that there have been roughly 8-10 thousand seasons of this show since it was originally aired, every season is the same. There's a bunch of tools on an island, who eat bugs twice during the whole series, and compete in physically tasking events such as walking across a narrow log, maintaining balance in order to not fall into the treacherous shallow water bellow. My main gripe with this show is that the very title is flagrantly misleading. The title 'Survivor' implies that at least some of the people on the show die. And of course nobody does. Thank you, net work sensors. On this show apparently "not surviving" means sitting around a bunch of mosquito replant torches and having the group vote on who they like the least. And the person who 'survives' and makes it all the way gets something like a million dollars. Which is bullshit because usually your reward for being a survivor is not dying.

Ice Road Truckers: I've never actually seen this show but I'm assuming it has to do with truck drivers doing their jobs in less-than-ideal road conditions. Yawn. probably doesn't even detail all the meth and hookers involved in a trucker's life.

America's Next Top Model: I once saw about twenty minutes of this show while waiting for my sister to give me the T.V. and I would rather have AIDS than ever watch this show again. The women on this show aren't even hot. They should call it America's Next Top Holocaust Survivor. Seriously, if you took the black ones from that show and put them in Ethiopia, they'd blend right in. I expect a certain level of fatlessness from women, but these bitches look like dogs that have been neglected by their owners. And I don't wanna hear any "BUT THEY WORK SO HARD!!!" yeah, its real fucking hard to put clothes on, walk a strait line, turn around, and walk back. Well I guess it might be when you have as much muscle as you do skin.

Intervention: This show should be called "Wanna Feel Like a Generally Successful Individual?" Well I guess someone had to profit on the misfortunes of others. Who knows, maybe it has been a factor in our countries decreased drug use. I mean last thing I wanna do after I see a 36 year old man speedballing cocaine and heroin in his mom's garage is, well, speedball cocaine and heroin.

Ghost Hunters: Ghost hunters is about a group of paranormal investigators who travel the world in search of, you guessed it, ghosts. How many ghosts have these fake fucks actually gotten on camera? Zero. But what you do get is plenty of Blair Witch style close ups of faces with frightened confusion, spooky audio clips of noises that are consistent with that of an old, creaking house, and a website with a helpful glossary of terms used during the show. This glossary helps to clear up ghost hunting neophytes with definitions to head scratchers like "Digital Audio" and "Entity". And all this time I thought Digital Audio was some type of horse.

More to come. If I feel like it.

Hamsters: America's Favorite Short Term Pet

People who allow their children to own hamsters, or anyone else for that matter, really piss me off. They some how put up with the smell of urine soaked wood shavings for the entire 8 months they are alive. It is of course customary to purchase at least two or more hamsters because otherwise, one would get lonely. Because we all know that hamsters experience complex human emotions such as loneliness, fear, and ironic betrayal.

Every experience I've ever had with hamsters has been both emotionally taxing on myself and the other people around me. Mostly other people though, as I generally tend to not be very emotional. The first two hamsters my sister had when she was nine lived well into their ninth month of existence, but tragically suffered simultaneous deaths one night before school.

I awoke to cry's of bitter despair as she lay weeping over the odoriferous cage. Their lifeless corpses were sprawled out in similar directions as if they had been running from some perceived threat. No autopsy was performed, so their cause of death is still to be determined. I maintain the Russians had something to do with it. A proper burial was held, but my sister's anguish was renewed after one of our cats unearthed one of the deceased hamsters and proudly brought it inside.

How such grief over a simple, mindless rodent is still far beyond my realm of comprehension but I think we can all agree that the only way to save our children from the anguish of premature sudden hamster death is to simply refrain entirely from purchasing these filthy creatures. There is no conceivable reason to own a hamster. They spend their entire, miserable, insignificant lives inside of plastic boxes, with brief intervals of being held in the hands of some clumsy child, who will in all likelihood drop it on the floor, let it scurry under the couch, and eventually die. Seeing them run on their exercise wheels loses its novelty after the third or fourth time, and the smell that emanates from their cages is unbearable at best. In conclusion, if I ever have kids, and chances are I won't, I will NEVER allow them to own any type of hamster unless they move out. And if my wife has a problem with that, then she can just sleep on the couch. Have a good night, stay in school, don't do drugs, and beg God for forgiveness of your sins and to have mercy on your soul. 2012 is coming. Have you made the right choices in life?

Give the Balloon Boy Hoaxers a Fucking Medal

Good job, you fucking assholes, you really got us good with your little "oh no my six year old son some how managed to get inside of a weather balloon we have for some reason and take off in it!" routine. Bet you guys weren't counting on your son telling reporters that he "thought we were doing this for the T.V. show" when asked why he didn't come out of hiding when called. Lets see you act your way out of that one, thespians. (the couple met in acting school) I'm very angry about this whole turn of events because when it all started I had bet my friend 20 bucks that the kid was in the balloon.

I'm just surprised Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson didn't inject themselves into this media frenzy, as they do with every media frenzy about a white person. "If this had been a black boy from south Harlem trapped in weather balloon, America wouldn't be hearing anything of this" Which reminds me, I saw early this morning that Don Imus (The Nappy Headed Hoe guy) is back on television. 5 dollars to whoever correctly guesses which news network.

But anyway back to the hoaxers. Its been uncovered that these two people did this so they could some how have their own reality show in the future. It could be like John and Kate Plus 8 except that there's no conceivable reason for these people to have a reality show. I can't really think of a suitable title except for I Was Famous For Two Hours Because My Son Was Thought To Trapped in a Weather Balloon So I Get My Own Show. Doesn't really roll of the tongue does it?

Even though authorities claim that this was the work of the two parents, I am quite certain I know who is behind this. Trucker Hat connoisseur Ashton Kutcher.

Fucker got us good

Meth Busters: Concerned Citizens Not Making the Slightest Difference

In Salem Oregon a group of known citizens who affectionately refer to themselves as "the Meth Busters" (Clever) are at it again; ridding our lackluster state's capitol of meth amphetamine by monitoring the behavior of known meth users (invading their right to privacy) and going into small convenience stores and asking them to remove their bongs, hookahs, scales, and even small plastic bags. I can just hear the meth addicts now; "How am I supposed to buy meth if it doesn't come in small plastic baggies!"
All these people are doing is wasting their time in a clear attempt to become local celebrities by appearing every few months on the 11 o'clock news. Meth is quickly becoming the scourge of our nation, but harassing shop owners who are selling products that are completely legal is not going to solve this problem. If these old whores came into my shop the exchange of words would probably go something like this:
Me: "Hello aging whores, what can I do for you?"
Whore 1: "uhm.. yeah.. we've got some questions about you're behind the counter merchandise"
Me: "What can I get you?"
Whore 2: "What exactly is this?"
Me: "That's a glass pipe. Strictly for tobacco"
Whore 1: "Yeah... uhm... and all this other stuff?"
Me: "well lets see, we've got the old glass waterpipes, chillums, glass roses, scales for precisely weighing small amounts of chemicals, and the always popular tiny plastic baggies and torch lighters. Definitely not for using meth, if that's what you're asking"
Both Whores: "uhm... yeah... we're going to need you to get rid of all this stuff, it promotes drug use"
Me: "Excuse me? what are you old whores talking about? All I'm doing is selling perfectly legal materials to underweight, scab-faced, lifeless looking NASCAR fans. I don't know what they're doing with it"
Whores: "Don't you see! Those are meth addicts! They're using your products to smoke meth!"
Me: "Yeah? Well what about people who smoke pipe tobacco from glass pipes because they don't like the aftertaste from wooden pipes? Or up-and-coming chemists who can't afford a triple beam balance? Now get the fuck out and let me sell my wares in peace"
Whores: "We'll leave, but just wait until the 11 oclock news comes on tonight! We're going to public defame the shit out of your store!"
Me: "Oh no, now all 6 people who watch the local news are going to know what a threat my store is! I'm a store owner, not a god damned public relations consultant."

And how are they supposed to "monitor the behavior of known meth users"? Meth users don't exactly sleep that often. And don't these people have jobs? My theory is that these are just former stay at home moms, who's children have all gone off to college or moved out, and need something to do now that they've lost their battle against violence in the media, the UFC, and obscenity. These women are doing absolutely nothing to combat the problem of meth amphetamine. I would bet my Farmville Farm that not a single meth user has quit as a result of their actions. They are just a bunch of old attention whores who think they make some type of difference to the world. Its like someone cloned Hillary Clinton.

Condoms: A Detailed History

HISTORY

Condoms, named after their inventor Issac Wellington Condomington play a crucial role in the regulation of society's growing overpopulation, especially of our society's undesirables. The condom was first conceived on December 17, 1873, when Condomington, a well known philanderer in his hometown of Newcastle, England, decided he needed a mechanism that would allow him to engage in the act of sexual intercourse with multiple partners without the monetary and social inconveniences of impregnation and sexually transmitted disease. And in his time, STDs were not as easily treatable as they are now and often resulted in death. During this time, people who contracted AIDS often did not live past their mid to late thirties. The original condom was a simple contraption, a large sheet of plastic cellophane used to cover a cherry pie secured by a wool thread. As the industrial and scientific revolutions came about, condoms became much more technologically sound. Advances include but are not limited to:

• Latex Construction; Latex condoms hold many advantages over the original model including better elasticity and overall tensile strength.
• Spermicidal lubricant; Added for increased lubrication and the eradication of spermatozoa. (sperm)
• The Reservoir Tip; Invented in 1920 by George Washington Carver (the man who invented peanut butter). The reservoir tip is a small bubble of air that allows the safe capture of semen and other penile ejaculates, without running the risk of catastrophic condom failure.
• Testicle Covering Condoms; Self explanatory.
• The adding of flavor to condoms. Not surprisingly, this was a result of the cherry flavor of the cellophane wrapping after it was removed from the pie it was on.

USES

Although condoms are primarily used for the act of sexual intercourse with 0% risk of impregnation or the contraction of STDs, there is a wide variety of other uses for the condom.

• Lubricated balloon animals.
• Flavored condoms are considered by many to be a great low calorie snack.
• Improvised water balloons.
• Not feeling anything during sex.
• Scuba Engineer Tom Green figured out that magnum condoms make a great way to water proof your hands while performing mechanically based tasks underwater. The webbing effect of the condom dramatically decreases a scuba diver's risk of his "fingers being caught in the grooves of the machinery" as he points out in this fascinating video

CRITICISMS

All major branches of Christianity, including surprisingly enough, Mormonism, have all expressed deep, poignant criticisms of the condom for many reasons. They're main argument being that sex makes you feel good, and anything that makes you feel good is a sin, there for, condom use is against the will of God. Despite the bible lacking any mention of the condom, Christians still maintain this view point to this day.

Also, the major association Planned Parenthood was founded on principles of Eugenics, the practice of selectively breeding humans in order to create a superior race, usually white. To this day Planned Parenthood gives out complementary condoms in order to stop the reproduction of the poor.

Many people argue that condoms take away a large portion sensitivity of the penis during sexual intercourse. Comedian Nick DiPalo is quoted saying, "you could slam the tip of my [expletive for penis] in a car door and I wouldn't feel anything with a condom on". Famous internet blogger Alex Waterman responded to this by saying, "At least you wouldn't have to worry about the car door calling you the next day telling you that you might wanna get checked out by a doctor".

FAMOUS PEOPLES' PARENTS WHO SHOULD HAVE USED CONDOMS

1. Brendon Fraser, The Mummy
2. Steve Carr, Paul Blart: Mall cop, King of Queens [TV]
3. Jennifer Anniston, Friends
4. Courtney Cox, Friends
5. Lisa Kudrow, Friends,
6. David Schwimmer, Band of Brothers, Friends
7. The Wayans Brothers, Meet the Stereotypical Black People

BIBLIOGRAPHY

This blog is a direct plagiarism of wikipedia.org.

PETA isn't Going to be too Happy About This

The geniuses behind what some regard as the greatest technological achievement of our time have done it again. The Snuggie has undergone a long awaited aesthetic overhaul. To those reading this who just got out of prison, a Snuggie is a blanket with sleeves on it. The epitome of elegant simplicity. How was the snuggie invented you ask? By some guy's mom about 10 years ago so he would be able to write and not be cold at the same time in his college dorm. And all this time I just thought some guy put his robe on backwards in a drunk stupor and said, "I'm a millionaire!" Its major selling points are;

• Making it easier to perform simple tasks like holding your dog or using the phone while in a blanketed state.
• Saving you money on heating. Some how.
• Repelling unwanted attention from the opposite sex.
• Eternal everlasting life.

But despite these ironclad design features the cultural phenomenon has lost its momentum. The three basic colors in which it were originally released sufficed the needs of simple, blue collar Americans, but they were having a hard time earning that upper-class, bush vote dollar. Probably because they can afford heat. So the marketing team spearheaded this problem by asking themselves, what is it that rich people like? It didn't take long for them to reach a conclusion. Dead animals.

"When are you going to make snuggie thats more stylish for me?" The woman asks. And before she can even finish, boom, we already did, bitch. Then as if by some act of God, her bland, working-class Snuggie is instantly transformed into an elegant fashion statement that is sure to turn more heads on the red carpet than Kanye West in a humble, non-confrontational mood. And the blanket ends well below the feet, so no more paparazzi crotch shots while exiting a vehicle for astute red headed actresses. And according to this commercial, the designer Snuggie can be used as a "decorative throw" by leaving it on your couch. I didn't know leaving things lying around classified as home decor these days. But then again, I still haven't changed my forwarding address for Home and Garden Monthly.

I can't wait to hear about someone wearing this in public and having some PETA demonstrator splash animal blood on them and in a self righteous frenzy shout "FUR IS MURDER". I always wonder, if PETA is so concerned about the wellbeing of animals, how come they always seem to have animal blood on hand at all times? Think about it. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go to my local church so I can thank God for the leopard print Snuggie. And the for the Rambo movies.

When Will My Nightmares Stop?

I'll tell you when. They'll stop when they take vaginal cream commercials off the air. They are absolutely the most disgusting commercials on T.V. "That itch you can't scratch," "feminine odor," and who can forget, "vaginal discharge" or words no man should have to ever hear, ever. I think hearing a Vagisil commercial mid hookup would kill my mood almost as fast as her calling me by another mans name. (which has thankfully never happened, but Alex is a pretty common name so who knows) At the end of every Viagra commercial they actually tweaked it a bit and now say "If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, call your doctor or watch a Vagisil commercial" And really, do women really need commercials to point them to what cream they need when, for lack of better words, things are not going well down there? I think "Vagisil" is pretty obvious. The only women who aren't aware of Vagisl that I can think of are NASCAR fan wives, and I'm sure their husbands don't notice it because their own B.O., and the stench of leftover spaghettios in their kitchen covers it up.

What about men? Where's the Penisil? Or how about Testiclean? Soap works in the shower to get rid of the odor but doesn't offer protection after sports or other activities, and as me and a couple of my friends found out a couple years ago, AXE on the balls does nothing but cause short term pain. Us men need a product that protects us from that mood killing odor, and that itch we're not supposed to scratch but we do anyway. I would try an antiperspirant deodorant, but after the AXE incident you can understand why I would be hesitant. But anyway, Johnson and Johnson or Old Spice or whoever need to get on that.

Bank of America's Protection is as Effective as Pulling Out

The other day I had 23 dollars in my bank account because I'm poor and don't have a job. So I go out to eat. McDonald's, of course, because I'm poor and don't have a job. So that was 6 dollars gone. Another day passes and I feel like going to some place fancy; Panda Express. Another 8 dollars gone. The day after that I check my account to see if have enough for a Craigslist escort when I'm confronted with the red fonted -12.34. I was utterly perplexed. I've never been Stephen Hawking when it came to math, (although I can do spot on robot impression) but I was sure that 23 - 7 - 8 > -12.34. When I checked my list of charges to see where I had bought something for twenty dollars, I saw a 10 dollar "overdraft protection fee" followed by a 10 dollar account hold fee. It was the Irony of Ironies. Something that seemingly protects me from over drafting has caused me to do just that. It reminded me of how mobsters go in and fuck up store fronts so that the owner would pay them protection money. So I check the bank's website to see what overdraft protection is. I am not exaggerating, there were literally two sentences saying what it was, and another saying that it didn't cost any money. I haven't gone to the bank yet to confront them about this issue, but I'm guessing this is how its going to go.

Me "Excuse me, I have a small problem. I was arbitrarily charged 20 dollars from my account by your overdraft protection program, even though I had 8 dollars in my account.

Banker "Overdraft protection is a service to help you prevent returned checks and overdrafts on your checking account. With overdraft protection, available funds from your savings account, line of credit, or credit card are automatically transferred to your checking account if you should overdraw your account".

Me "Uhm... I know.. I read that verbatim from your companies website. I over drafted because of a charge I was never made aware of.

Banker "Actually (prints out my statement) the overdraft protection fee was applied before you you ate at Panda Express. I like your taste in fine dining by the way, and you have the prettiest eyes.

Me "BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE OVERDRAWN IF THAT CHARGE WAS NEVER MADE. I didn't come here to argue, just give me my 8 dollars back. I have a date with a woman I met on Craigslist and I'm running late."

Banker "I'm sorry corporate headquarters just released a memo not allowing us to give money back for banking errors. Please step away, as this line is only for customers who have money with the bank"

Me "You stole that last line from Southpark! You'll soon regret this. As soon as I get home I'm going to write a blog about this incident, and no ones going to want to do business with this bank ever again, because a lot of people read my blog."

Banker "Have a nice day! We hope to see you soon!"

Me "You will see me soon. Craigslist. Casual Encounters."

Man thats going to be awkward when it happens.

and to the ladies, I'm actually a wealthy business man, and none of this is actually true.

NASCAR Vs. Formula 1: An Unbiased Comparison

There are not enough words in the English language to adequately portray my utter hate for NASCAR. There is nothing worth watching about the "sport". And yet every year millions of McCain voters tune in and flock to NASCAR events, so they can see like, what, 80? cars lined up two by two driving around in a very fixed oval pattern 500 times. The cars weren't originally designed for racing. They're passenger sedans with faster engines, better tires, and doors that don't open up.

Not a lot of people know this, but NASCAR actually originated after the prohibition era when bootleggers who had to drive their regular cars at break neck speeds in order to evade the police decided they to start challenging each other to races on fixed courses. We may have our right to drink alcohol back, but there is nothing America can do now to reverse the naSCAR they've left on the face of this country

Now, time for an unbiased comparison of the American NASCAR and Formula 1, which is popular everywhere else in the world.

• Formula 1 drivers go at extreme speeds, sometimes upwards of 200mph around left AND right turns.
• NASCAR drivers go the same speed, around 150 mph, the whole time, in a circle.
• Formula 1 cars are specifically engineered for racing. Their technology is constantly evolving.
• NASCAR cars are based on 4 door sedans. They haven't really changed much.
• Formula 1 has a world wide fan base.
• NASCAR has a fan base consisting of Americans with wheels on their homes.

But don't take my word for it. Just watch this educational video

There really is no comparison. I'm not even an F1 fan, I just don't know why America doesn't get it together and abolish NASCAR and replace it with real racing. What's even worse is how NASCAR fans think that F1 fans are all snobs. No, they're not snobs. They just don't fly the confederate flag from their 85 bronco and wear Busch light t-shirts.

Hits and Hiphop stations: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

In Portland Oregon we have an incredibly unique radio station called 107.5. I'm sure there is no other station in the world quite like it. What they do is take the 5 most popular rap/r &b songs and play them in rotation, followed by twenty minutes of commercials, a few words from a DJ who doesn't actually pick which music to play, and then the same 5 songs again. Currently the four songs are Pitbull: Hotel room, Pitbull: I know you want me (half of the songs lyrics are in the title) Black Eyed Pees: I gotta feeling and, Fabolous: Throw it in the Bag(finally, a song about placing my miscellaneous items like my cell phone and wallet into a bag), and Drake: You the best. Even though the main purpose of creating these songs is to make money off of young impressionable teenagers by spoon feeding them "music" that some guy in a suit decided was marketable to teens and young adults, I still find some of them quite entertaining. But I can only hear the phrase "HO-TEL MO-TELL HOLIDAY INN" So many times in one hour. But I'd rather listen to their music for 20 hours strait than listen to their morning show for 10 minutes.

The show mainly consists of a young sounding guy who doesn't sound like he should be on the radio, one of those liberal women who thinks that way because everyone else does, and a guy who sounds like a younger, more coked out version of Lewis Black known only as "PK" who interrupts both of them every time they talk. He is a fast talking, loud mouthed, opinionated moron. Being opinionated is usually a good thing if you're a radio host, but its usually assumed you'll be able to back up your opinions. PK is the type of person who becomes visibly frustrated and offended when people disagree with him on even the most trivial matters. "What do you mean you don't like marinara sauce on spaghetti?! EVERYONE likes marinara sauce! Fuck this, I'm out of here." When PK shares one of his misguided opinions on his lame morning radio show, he presents them as absolute fact. And its not like his co hosts bring anything to the table either. The only analogy for this show I can think of is to picture three retarded people arguing over what happened at the end of the Lion King. But then again, this is a radio channel who's job is to spoon feed "music" to a target demographic that will invariably like whatever they play.

America's Pass Time Part Deuce

So anyway after 7th grade I began to despise baseball because I realized how dreadfully slow and uneventful it is. I know what you're thinking, "but alix, basball iz lik soo cool and teh shit!" You're argument is flawed in so many ways. Even back in the day it was better than it is now (which isn't saying much) and here's why.

This woman is currently the best baseball player in america. Seriously this guy looks like he listens to panic at the disco and has a myspace display name that says XxTIMxX {theFrEaK} HARDxCORE -linceCUM- What happened to the good old days when men played baseball like Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson? I'll tell you what happened. They started persecuting athletes who used (gasp) performance enhancing drugs.

I don't understand how its cheating if you're using naturally occurring substances in order to boost your performance in a way that is good for both your stats and the popularity of the sport. We humans are very different from any other being on this planet. We came to be without a warm covering of fur so we made clothes. Killing deer is too hard with our bare hands so we made guns. And we are naturally not strong enough to hit 70 home runs in a season, so we made steroids. Out of naturally occurring chemicals.

And don't get me started on the sheer insolence of our congress for indicting Roger Clemens and forcing him to testify in front of a congressional committee. Too late! I'm started! I think congress has bigger more important things to worry about like, I don't know, the war, the economy, and abolishing clove cigarettes. I don't think someone "cheating" at baseball should be much of a concern for them. Thats like the time in elementary school when I got called into the principals office for cheating at kickball. I was using a corked shoe, and to this day I maintain that I was accidentally wearing my kickball home run derby shoes. There is also still an asterisk next to my name on a trophy in the schools glass case where it says "Alex Waterman; Best Kickball Player Ever*" underneath a trophy of me holding a large sword.

This whole topic ultimately comes down to all you sportsmanship blow-hards (i am still using the term "blow-hard" in its literal definition) who feel that sports have become tainted by the use of performance enhancing drugs. You think that athletes who use steroids are Godless frauds who's crime of using steroids is worse than murder and rape combined. If athletes are so bad, maybe you just shouldn't watch sports. The way I see it, sports are now more fun and exciting to watch as a result, and as far as the long term health side effects, I really don't see why I should care. Hey, its not me jamming a needle into the fleshy part of my ass, and drastically shortening my life because I want my profession to be running around in a circle wearing a button down shirt and striped pants.