Changes I'm Making in my Life Now that I'm Twenty

Here is a comprehensive list of behavioral changes I will be making now that I am a twenty year old young adult. To begin, here is a list of words I will be effectively striking from my vocabulary, and justification for doing so.

1. Hella- This has been the hipster way of saying "very" for about 6 years now, and is short for "hell of a".
2. Douche Bag- I can think of at least 20 words I can call someone that are more insulting than a feminine hygiene device.
3. Hella Douche Bag- I need to think of better ways of insulting people than calling them "very douche bags"
4. The- Such an overused, over rated word. There is no need for it. Why say "the cat jumped over the dog" when you can say "cat jumped over dog" 'The' is a complete waste of my time, and is there for stricken from my vocabulary.
5. Righteous- I've never used this word before, and don't intend to
6. On the Reg- How about instead of saying, "I get drunk on the reg" people say "I am intoxicated quite often" Get some class.
7. Strapped- I'm not strapped, I'm carrying a concealed weapon. Had I been 'strapped' I'd be in prison for a year
8. Talkin' Shit- Replaced by "Making derogatory comments"

Now for some phrases or situations I no longer find humorous.

1. That's what she said- Over the years 'she' has said a lot of things. From its getting hard, to its in the hole, to even the must unwarrantable phrases like try this tie on for me.
2. The number 69. Having learned the crude, disgraceful meaning of this number in fifth grade, I think its time I stop blurting out fake laughter any time my Community College professor tells us to turn to page 69.
3. Somebody getting kicked in the nuts- This has been a classic for years, but its humor is starting to wear off. I will only laugh at this unless there is some context, such as the kick recipient being a police officer or trusted religious official.
4. The Austin Powers trilogy- These movies stopped being funny to me years ago, but its good to finally make it official.
5. Every time Obama says that universal health care will not raise taxes or increase our national deficit. I admit, I laughed pretty hard the first few times, but now he's just killing it.
6. Your mom- These jokes really only work on Italians, and I don't know too many of them

I hope you enjoyed these lists. Actually, what the fuck do I care. I'm 20 years old. I'm not here to amuse you, or your mom, whom by the way I 69'ed the other night. That's right, I talk shit on the reg. I'll see all you hella douche bags later, I'm gonna go watch all the Austin Powers movies, but fast forward to the part where people get kicked in the nuts.