PETA isn't Going to be too Happy About This

The geniuses behind what some regard as the greatest technological achievement of our time have done it again. The Snuggie has undergone a long awaited aesthetic overhaul. To those reading this who just got out of prison, a Snuggie is a blanket with sleeves on it. The epitome of elegant simplicity. How was the snuggie invented you ask? By some guy's mom about 10 years ago so he would be able to write and not be cold at the same time in his college dorm. And all this time I just thought some guy put his robe on backwards in a drunk stupor and said, "I'm a millionaire!" Its major selling points are;
  • Making it easier to perform simple tasks like holding your dog or using the phone while in a blanketed state.
  • Saving you money on heating. Some how.
  • Repelling unwanted attention from the opposite sex.
  • Eternal everlasting life.
But despite these ironclad design features the cultural phenomenon has lost its momentum. The three basic colors in which it were originally released sufficed the needs of simple, blue collar Americans, but they were having a hard time earning that upper-class, bush vote dollar. Probably because they can afford heat. So the marketing team spearheaded this problem by asking themselves, what is it that rich people like? It didn't take long for them to reach a conclusion. Dead animals.

"When are you going to make snuggie thats more stylish for me?" The woman asks. And before she can even finish, boom, we already did, bitch. Then as if by some act of God, her bland, working-class Snuggie is instantly transformed into an elegant fashion statement that is sure to turn more heads on the red carpet than Kanye West in a humble, non-confrontational mood. And the blanket ends well below the feet, so no more paparazzi crotch shots while exiting a vehicle for astute red headed actresses. And according to this commercial, the designer Snuggie can be used as a "decorative throw" by leaving it on your couch. I didn't know leaving things lying around classified as home decor these days. But then again, I still haven't changed my forwarding address for Home and Garden Monthly.

I can't wait to hear about someone wearing this in public and having some PETA demonstrator splash animal blood on them and in a self righteous frenzy shout "FUR IS MURDER". I always wonder, if PETA is so concerned about the wellbeing of animals, how come they always seem to have animal blood on hand at all times? Think about it. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go to my local church so I can thank God for the leopard print Snuggie. And the for the Rambo movies.


  1. I like your writing style...maybe this isnt a great example of what you mean by being negative, but from reading this post you dont seem to be overly negative...somewhat sarcastic yes, but hey, whats wrong with that? I've been accused lately, mostly by my brother, of being too negative, focusing too much on the problems in the world, not having enough faith....thats a whole 'nutha story, but my take on it is this, theres a hell of a lot of negative stuff out there, and it needs to be brought to peoples attention...injustice, corruption, scandal, lies, deceit, suffering, poverty, greed...these things need to be exposed so if we have to harp on the bad things, IF our intention is raising awareness and ultimately hope that things can be better if well all stop being so stupid, then i dont think its a problem. Having said this, i often have little hope or faith in humanity as a whole...i am awfully cynical most of the time, and doubt that things will get any better. Feel like im rambling so ill cut this off and hope ive said enough to convey the message...
    keep writing man

  2. I love the way you write. Keep it up.
    Oh ps PETA shouldn't be too mad considering, they have snuggies for dogs! haha what a croc!
    Snuggie companies can kiss my ass, that's the worse thing ever made.