The Objective Truth Behind the 4Loko Ban

The United States legislature is at it again and assisting large corporations by accusing the makers of Four Loko to be producing a dangerous beverage that is killing otherwise responsible college students and being marketed to children. This is especially dangerous because as we all know, children are allowed to buy alcohol. You most likely remember my article that exposed the real reasons behind the illegality of clove cigarettes, because you've read every single one of these, and you will see in this piece that their motives are shockingly the same.
Shockingly. The Same.
This is by far one of the single most unconstitutional thing the government has ever done, and should be thought to be both reprehensible and un-American. Four Loko does not contain a single ingredient that poses a threat to anyone in moderation. Alcohol poisoning related deaths are likely to happen to anyone, and the addition of caffeine actually makes this drink safer. For instance;
  • Most people tend to "pass out" when under the influence of large quantities of alcohol. With the addition of caffeine, the drinker is enabled to stay up longer and have more fun. You are also less likely to have your body tampered with.
  • Rapes related to people passed out are virtually nullified by Four Loko. (see above)
  • Caffeine is said to offset the effects of alcohol, making drunk driving much safer. This dramatically decreases the number of drunk driving fatalities.
  • Four Loko makes almost any woman look fantastic.
To be fair, I did sit down and make a list of every possible negative thing about Four Loko that I could possibly think of, so here's that list.
  • I'm not drinking one right now.
From this fair and balanced argument, its pretty easy to say that Four Loko has no objectively bad aspects to it, and the only people who have been sent to hell by this drink died for the same reasons anyone else who dies of alcohol poisoning does; bad luck. If this is all true, then why is the government so adamant about pulling this Nectar of the Gods from the shelves? One not need be Stephen Hawking to see the crippling evidence as to why the government hates this drink.

Its common knowledge that the government is controlled by large corporations. If you think I am wrong on this, you obviously don't know who our Treasury Secretary and Chief of Staff are and who they used to work for. (The major banks). You also probably don't know what company is rebuilding Iraq, that Dick Cheney used to be CEO of. (Halliburton)

Now that Four Loko, produced by a small, independent company called Phusion, has produced a product that consumers have decided fucks you up longer and quicker than beer, Anhauser-Busch and Miller have created media hype about 12 year old's thinking that the pretty colors on the cans are turning them into alcoholics over night. I have no direct proof of any of this being true at all, because I don't need proof. Regardless of whether or not this is true, beer sales are going to sky rocket. Their logic is exactly the same as when Big Tobacco lobbied the government to ban clove cigarettes, because before that happened India controlled a whopping 1% of the U.S. tobacco market.

If you are one of the brainwashed masses who believes that Four Loko has been rightfully banned, you are objectively wrong and any argument you make for yourself can be refuted by the following statement; Caffeine is legal, alcohol is legal. People die of alcohol poisoning all the time and its their fault for not drinking responsibly. Again, if you disagree with me on this, you are wrong.


Let's Stop Lying to Ourselves this Christmas Season

Its that time of year again, when Christmas, and coincidentally other religious holidays occur in December, and we are forced by tradition to temporarily abandon our unfounded hatred for each other and collectively spend 87 billion dollars on gift cards. Gift cards of course, being almost worthless compared to real cash and in rare cases, a real present.

The reason people buy gift cards is as obvious as it is justified. It usually starts with an elderly person browsing Barnes and Noble, wondering which collections of nude illustrations by Glenn Beck they should buy. They're daughter calls them on their cell phone, and if they can figure out how to answer it they are casually reminded that their grandson's 12th birthday is coming up. Not being able to figure out what kind of book to buy him because they forgot that he doesn't know how to read, (only write) they buy him a twenty dollar gift card.

To this child, a 20 dollar gift card isn't worth the plastic magnetic strip the twenty dollars is embedded on. It is non nonrefundable and his friends laugh at him when he offers to sell it to them for as little as 10 cents on the dollar. (that means two dollars for any NASCAR fans who might be reading this)

If you still somehow hold the wrong opinion that gift cards are a practical and thoughtful gift, allow me to swiftly shatter that illusion with my brilliant logic. When you buy someone a gift card, you are not only showing them your thoughtlessness by affectively telling them to choose their own gift, you are giving them something that is almost worthless compared to cash.

Cash can be used any where. In any store, in any public transaction, to buy anything from pencil illustrations to illegal drugs. It can even be converted into foreign currency and used abroad to buy even more exotic illustrations and drugs. All that, while the only thing that McDonald's Arch Card you bought you 7 year old nephew will buy is childhood obesity and years of dark, hollow depression, most likely leading to suicide.

TL;DR Gift cards cause suicide.

Also: Hypothetical conversation this article may lead to.

Person A "I buy gift cards because it shows I care. My grandson can use this 20 dollar gift card at Best Buy to purchase headphones if he needs them, or something of that nature"

Me "If you simply gave him cash, wouldn't he be able to buy those headphones OR something at any other store in the entire world?"

Person B "wow, you're so right, I will never question you on anything again and I am sorry for doubting your wisdom in the first place."