Let's Stop Lying to Ourselves this Christmas Season

Its that time of year again, when Christmas, and coincidentally other religious holidays occur in December, and we are forced by tradition to temporarily abandon our unfounded hatred for each other and collectively spend 87 billion dollars on gift cards. Gift cards of course, being almost worthless compared to real cash and in rare cases, a real present.

The reason people buy gift cards is as obvious as it is justified. It usually starts with an elderly person browsing Barnes and Noble, wondering which collections of nude illustrations by Glenn Beck they should buy. They're daughter calls them on their cell phone, and if they can figure out how to answer it they are casually reminded that their grandson's 12th birthday is coming up. Not being able to figure out what kind of book to buy him because they forgot that he doesn't know how to read, (only write) they buy him a twenty dollar gift card.

To this child, a 20 dollar gift card isn't worth the plastic magnetic strip the twenty dollars is embedded on. It is non nonrefundable and his friends laugh at him when he offers to sell it to them for as little as 10 cents on the dollar. (that means two dollars for any NASCAR fans who might be reading this)

If you still somehow hold the wrong opinion that gift cards are a practical and thoughtful gift, allow me to swiftly shatter that illusion with my brilliant logic. When you buy someone a gift card, you are not only showing them your thoughtlessness by affectively telling them to choose their own gift, you are giving them something that is almost worthless compared to cash.

Cash can be used any where. In any store, in any public transaction, to buy anything from pencil illustrations to illegal drugs. It can even be converted into foreign currency and used abroad to buy even more exotic illustrations and drugs. All that, while the only thing that McDonald's Arch Card you bought you 7 year old nephew will buy is childhood obesity and years of dark, hollow depression, most likely leading to suicide.

TL;DR Gift cards cause suicide.

Also: Hypothetical conversation this article may lead to.

Person A "I buy gift cards because it shows I care. My grandson can use this 20 dollar gift card at Best Buy to purchase headphones if he needs them, or something of that nature"

Me "If you simply gave him cash, wouldn't he be able to buy those headphones OR something at any other store in the entire world?"

Person B "wow, you're so right, I will never question you on anything again and I am sorry for doubting your wisdom in the first place."

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