The Movie Gandhi: Worst Six Hours of my Life

In high school my literature teacher decided she wanted to take a few days off of teaching because she was probably drunk all weekend or something, so she had us watch Gandhi. All 191 boobless minutes of it. What a treat that was. The reason we saw this was most likely because my high school had a super inflated theater budget instead of money for things that cause us to absorb knowledge. Rather than being teached how to write good we got to see dazzling spectacles with near-Broadway quality set pieces and Spanish soap opera quality acting. (unless of course you were one of the few people I knew who was in plays, you were great, good job!) Which leads me to my next point.

Gandhi is by far the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. I will never see a more dreadfully boring and drawn out movie. I would rather be dragged through the desert by a camel driven by Rosie O'Donnell with Brendan Fraser riding shotgun than ever watch this movie again . If you were wondering what kind of interesting things this film has to offer here's a brief run down.
  • You get to see Gandhi develop from a young, full figured white man into an old, emaciated Indian man.
  • It is made clear that white people are merciless, oppressive capitalist people who's only goal is to profit, no matter how many people they have to kill.
  • The non-violent tactic of a hunger strike is demonstrated by Gandhi. The concept is simple; if you want to control someone's behavior, refrain from ingesting food.
  • There is a very symbolic scene where Gandhi leads a group of his followers to the sea where he makes salt. I was asleep before this scene took place and I do not know its context, but I am told it was symbolic.
  • Martin Sheen is in the movie.
Now if you've read my work before you probably think you know where I'm going with this. You think I'm going to write a few paragraphs insulting Gandhi making various remarks that challenge both his man hood and/or sexuality. Well don't you have a keen eye, because that's exactly what I plan on doing

Us white people only understand two languages; English, violence, and limited Spanish depending on how close you live to L.A. Our strategy for centuries has been to invade a land by force, teach everyone English, and exploit the area's resources economically until nothing is left besides poverty and ruins, ultimately leaving the country in a wake of general disarray. We justify it in so many ways. In ancient times it was the Crusades, Israel after WWII was "a bunch of us were killed by Hitler so we get your land, Palestine", and the British Empire in the 1700's was "even though you live across the Atlantic ocean from us you still have to use our currency and pay us taxes on it" Americans haven't done this at all though, we are the exception. Say one word about Vietnam or Iraq and you are an unpatriotic parasite who is in all likelihood a terrorist.

What did Gandhi expect? Were the British invaders supposed to just say,

"I say, that jolly fellow hasn't eaten in several fortnights. Did you observe him making salt the other day? Truly symbolic."

"Yes. Yes, quite. Lets pack up and head back to England and continue drinking tea, playing baseball with a canoe paddle, not caring for our dental hygiene, and saying 'On the contrary' when we disagree."

"Jolly Good"

The only way to deal with someone who has invaded your country is to out gun them. Guns > You not eating. Fortunately or unfortunately for us whites we've been on the cutting edge of military technology. If the Native Americans had possessed the same weapons we did they probably would have killed us, scalped us, and worn our scalps as wigs while they did impressions of our British accents. If Gandhi had done something like organize militias to storm British compounds using Guerrilla tactics he probably could have gotten those fuckers out of there. That's how America did it, and it worked like brilliantly, because we are the best country in the world, on average.

In the end though, the British did eventually say a proverbial "fuck it" and left India in 1947. Some claim this was because of the Gahnd-man (my personal nickname for Gandhi) but it also could have been due to, I don't know, the two World Wars they had just fought?

And oh yeah, almost forgot, Gandhi's a homo ROFL

Fact#78 World War I was actually known as the Great War until World Wars II and III were fought.


Johnson Was a Boring Name Anyway

I've been getting a lot of heat lately from readers who find my blogs to be dreadfully negative and cynical to almost apocalyptic proportions. There for, I have decided to take my writings in a new direction. Usually it is hard for me to describe anything with positivity or give anything praise unless I am speaking of the Rambo or Star Wars trilogies, but I believe I have found something that I can talk about in the same manor in which women describe twilight. Let me introduce, my favorite NFL player, legend, and citizen of Earth, a man who needs no introduction, number 85 of the Cincinnati Bengals, the man formerly known as Chad Johnson, CHAD! OCHO! CINCOOOOOOOO!!!!

I apologize for the obscene nature of this picture, but all the available pictures of him on the internet involve him being surrounded by various penises. (peni?)I'm not one to judge someone by their sexuality, being gay is a choice! Please note that the only alteration I made was giving him his trademark platinum mohawk. And besides, my photo editing skills are so great I'm sure you all thought this was an undoctored espn stock photo. (and yes, I DID obtain the NFL and CBS' express written consent to use this photo, signed in blood of course)

Chad Ocho Cinco is not just THE single greatest player to ever grace America's grid irons, he is also America's most joyfully flamboyant entertainer. Some people use harsh, hateful words to judge Ocho Cinco such as 'egotistical', 'narcissistic', and even 'an attention craving whore who makes Paris Hilton look like a frightened dog.' These people have no idea what they're talking about, and in a perfect world, would be deported from the United States in buses. Buses with the words "we should all die prematurely" written on them. Now lets take an objective look at why Ocho Cinco is the best person in the history of the world. And dare I say universe?

First off, Chad has gone on the record stating that European soccer is actually his number one favorite sport. Any American football fan will readily admit to the superiority of soccer over American football, and only a small minority of football fans refer to soccer players as 'field fairies'. Fairies, of course, being a reference to homosexuals. These are people who fail to recognize the FACT that soccer is the world's undisputed favorite sport. An ignoramus who I went to school with recently told me, "Your point is invalid, because the whole world is basically owned by America, and football is America's favorite sport, so by extension, football is the world's favorite sport". Clearly this person has a broken and outdated world view.

Secondly, who can resist his flair and sideline-antics that are so exciting they make the movie 2012 look like a DMV visit or Catholic Church sermon by comparison. A lot of people realize that NFL games are boring and dull, and we need people like Chad to provide us with something to talk about the next day at work so we can derive some type of meaning out of our miserable, insignificant little lives. A few idiots I've talked to think that when Chad donned a jacket which read 'future hall o' famer' on the back that it was 'obnoxious, distracting, and a downright humiliation for not just the NFL, but America as a whole, on the world stage'. Their words, not mine. I maintain that there is nothing arrogant about this at all, simply because its not bragging if its true.

Thirdly, but certainly not least importantly, Chad Ocho Cinco had the shear courage and bravery to do the unthinkable; completely convert his last name to two consecutive spansish numbers. 8, 5. Of course, 85 in spanish is actually Ochenta y Cinco but we all know that NFL sports casters call a player's numbers one at a time. Saying "eighty five" is simply less effective than saying "number eight, five, future Hall of Famer and President of the United States, Chad Ocho Cinco". A friend of mine called this a, "disgrace, no man should willingly erase his last name, forever ending his surname's legacy on this planet. There are only two types of people who should change their name. People in witness protection, and people who have an insatiable craving for attention. Oh wait, Chad Johnson is one of the latter." This guy is clearly a moron, because come on, Johnson? Look in the phone book buddy. There are more guy's named Johnson than there are strait guys not named Ryan Seacrest.

In conclusion, Chad Ocho Cinco is easily the most influential and valuable person on this planet, who's undeniable greatness will never be surpassed. We owe our lives and devotion to this entertainer/athlete, and if I had to, I would take a bullet for Chad. You know what, make that three bullets. If were to pick one person on this planet who I suspected of being Jesus Christ I would say "Chad Javon Ocho Cinco" without batting an eye. Don't listen to the haters Chad, and please continue with your boisterous sideline behavior until the NFL fines you to the point of bankruptcy. I will end this article with a few select quotes from Obama's Nobel Prize acceptance speech.

"I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the considerable controversy that your generous decision has generated. In part, this is because I am not Chad Ocho Cinco."

"I face the world as it is, and cannot stand idle in the face of threats of fines by the NFL to the Chad Ocho Cinco."

". . . A non-violent movement could not have halted Hitler's armies. Negotiations cannot convince The NFL's leaders to discontinue their fines of Ocho Cinco."

"The capacity of human beings to think up new ways to kill one another proved inexhaustible, as did our capacity to exempt from mercy those who look different or pray to a different Chad Ocho Cinco"

-Barrack Obama, Nobel Prize winner.



Well it looks like mrs. my-husband-cheated-on-me-with-twelve-women-one-of-whom-lived-in-a-trailer-park has decided to forgo divorce procedure. What a great example for women. What happened to the whole thing where women leave men who cheat on them? I guess in my past 2 relationships I've been doing it all wrong. I could have cheated so many times, but I didn't because I thought women didn't like that sort of thing, and that it ended relationships. GUESS NOT!

What Kind of Name is Tiger Anyway?

There is a perfectly sound reason from an evolutionary stand point as to why humans tend to cling to one another and conceive offspring exclusively with their spouses. It is to prevent people from unknowingly reproducing with half siblings, which would make the entire population indistinguishable from a concession stand line at the Indy 500- a bunch of slack jawed, tank top-clad individuals struggling to count out exact change for a corn dog. The problem however, is that humans are the only species on the planet besides dolphins who engage in sexual intercourse for purposes other than reproduction. Being a devout Catholic I cannot imagine what these purposes would be, and how scientists managed to figure out the sexual habits of dolphins is a question for further investigation. Which brings me to my next point.

Tiger Woods is quite an interesting person. He is the highest paid athlete in the entire world, and yet his sport requires almost the least amount of athleticism, second only to American motor sports. Its kind of a stretch to call golf a sport, because technically its a leisure activity that old guys use as an excuse to spend a Saturday afternoon away from their miserable, menopausal wives. (MMW's for short) Tiger Woods on the other hand has perfected this sport to the point where he's nearly a billionaire as a result of competing in it. And he's done what any other man with that much money would do; defy every moral precedent we have as humans and bang a bunch of chicks.

I find it truly surprising to think that someone with that much money and influence would throw half of that away so he could have rough sex with a waitress who lives in a trailer park. (sorry, I meant 'mobile estates') What a classy thing to do. Who has time for all those 10,000 dollar a night hookers when theirs someone at the local Denny's who'll show you an equally good time for a 20% tip on a Grand Slam combo. She'll even let you pull her hair and call her derogatory names.

I truly admire the way his wife has handled this though. Divorcing him, and taking hundreds of millions of dollars that he made is very strategic. Its also not like staying married to him would have any long term benefits like helping her become president of the United States. Besides, Hillary Clinton's already tried that, and we all know how that worked out. This is easily the most shocking extramarital scandal of recent history, but I still have to give the creativity award to Bill, for his unorthodox use of cigars.

It would be a shame for me not to also comment on the alleged domestic abuse which I feel is highly believable. His estranged wife is a descendant of the Vikings and probably worships Thor and thinks that when she dies she'll go to a place called Val Hala. In a fight between her and Tiger, the smart money is definitely on the Nordic, or any other woman, or child for that matter. Tiger is known to cry after losing, which is a perfectly reasonable response when competing in a high stakes leisure activity.

The popular sugar water company Gatorade also announced they would be discontinuing their line of flavors Woods has endorsed. In a courageous lie, they claim that it has anything to do with his 'recent transgressions'. Gatorade also told the press that if you look underneath the caps of their drinks they've printed the word "gullible".

Altogether I think this whole media event has been a fun distraction, giving Americans yet another chance to feel better about their lives through the downfall of a major celebrity. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 20 dollar bill and a Denny's reservation I'm late for.


What did you want again? When did you want it?

Activists are like 4 year old children who throw themselves on the floor of Toy's R Us, kick and scream because their parents won't buy them the toy they want, scream until their voices are hoarse, and in the end, don't end up getting a damned thing. But some of these children never grow up and decide to be bleeding-heart activists for some pipe dream cause. I really don't understand what these people are thinking.

"hey, maybe if a big group of us get together in front of the White House, make a bunch of clever signs that say things like "Fucking for Peace is like Bombing for Virginity" and "Have sex with each other, not war", Bush will have no choice but to withdraw all his forces from the Middle East!"

WRONG. Bush clearly didn't give two halves a fuck what you guys thought. If you hadn't noticed, they're still there, and you don't seem to have a problem with it anymore. Far left liberals aren't the only ones guilty of this. The whole Tea Party movement, who's members are affectionately referred to as 'Tea baggers' (a reference to testicular oral sex) by the unbiased press at MSNBC, seem to think that by throwing boxes of Earl Gray into rivers they will some how convince Obama to stop giving our tax dollars to companies who are 'too big to fail'. And by 'too big to fail' I mean 'contributed money to the Democrats'. Hannity and friends over at Fox news love these guys, but the people at MSNBC keep making scrotal humor about them and continue to act like they don't know they're making an immature yet recognizably hilarious joke. Its almost like their's bias in the media.

When it comes down to it, I'm really a bipartisan hater of any type of activism, probably because I don't really give a damn about anything. I'm only going to be on this Earth for maybe 80 years max, and I don't plan on spending it being outraged about something that is completely out of my hands. I also really don't feel like we really have anything to complain about. Who care's if humans are maybe 5% responsible for global warming, there are children in Africa tonight who are going to have their entire families murdered by their own government, and you're too concerned about polar bears to even wonder why that's happening. Yeah, I bet you feel like a real piece of shit now.

AT&T Will Most Likely Sue Me for Writing This

I'm not one to usually get wrapped up in such trivial arguments as this, but after recent events AT&T has given me no choice but to point out what a bunch mother fuckers they are. Apparently a legal precedent has been set at some point in the past which allows a company to sue their rival for pointing out true and accurate information about how much better their service is. Verizon Wireless simply made a commercial that points out just how much more 3G coverage they offer than AT&T. (Somewhere around the 95% of the U.S. for Verizon and an area of coverage for AT&T that totals about the size of Rhode Island)

After the commercials aired AT&T had two options: try to sue Verizon, or hire Luke Wilson to star in a rebuttal commercial. In a bizarre turn of events, they actually decided to do both. Whats hilarious is how they completely fucked it up, in every conceivable way. First of all, Luke Wilson? Really? The smart thing to do would be to bring Carrot Top back, he's pretty buff these days! Its sad because the commercial doesn't even deny Verizon's claims, it just points to its own country wide cell phone coverage, which still doesn't match up to Verizon. Its just Luke Wilson throwing postcards on a big map saying "look at all the relatively unknown towns such as Spokane Washington where people have AT&T!". The commercial is actually a two parter, and in the second commercial you get to see the Verizon guy walk up to him, stab him, and say "Can you hear me now? Probably not, because you're dead. Good." Things take a turn from the retarded to the even-more-retarded when details of the lawsuit become apparent.

Anyone who's watched at least twenty minutes of television in the last few weeks is familiar with Verizon's "there's a map for that" commercial which points out just how inferior AT&T's 3G coverage is to Verizon. AT&T claims this is misleading because all of Verizon's network is 3G, and that confuses people into believing that they cannot use AT&T smart phones outside of 3G areas. This lawsuit is almost as moronic as people suing McDonalds for making them fat and cigarette companies for them making the conscious decision to smoke.

I think having the iPhone has really gotten to AT&T's head. With Apple suing everyone for "copying" their multi-touch pinch and zoom feature, I guess suing Verizon for doing something equally legal seemed like the logical move. There is however the matter of Verizon customers not being able to use the internet while they talk on the phone, which is something that AT&T and Luke Wilson proudly offer. You've won this round AT&T, I don't know how I could ever go five minutes without being on the internet to make a call to one of my stupid friends and/or relatives.