What Kind of Name is Tiger Anyway?

There is a perfectly sound reason from an evolutionary stand point as to why humans tend to cling to one another and conceive offspring exclusively with their spouses. It is to prevent people from unknowingly reproducing with half siblings, which would make the entire population indistinguishable from a concession stand line at the Indy 500- a bunch of slack jawed, tank top-clad individuals struggling to count out exact change for a corn dog. The problem however, is that humans are the only species on the planet besides dolphins who engage in sexual intercourse for purposes other than reproduction. Being a devout Catholic I cannot imagine what these purposes would be, and how scientists managed to figure out the sexual habits of dolphins is a question for further investigation. Which brings me to my next point.

Tiger Woods is quite an interesting person. He is the highest paid athlete in the entire world, and yet his sport requires almost the least amount of athleticism, second only to American motor sports. Its kind of a stretch to call golf a sport, because technically its a leisure activity that old guys use as an excuse to spend a Saturday afternoon away from their miserable, menopausal wives. (MMW's for short) Tiger Woods on the other hand has perfected this sport to the point where he's nearly a billionaire as a result of competing in it. And he's done what any other man with that much money would do; defy every moral precedent we have as humans and bang a bunch of chicks.

I find it truly surprising to think that someone with that much money and influence would throw half of that away so he could have rough sex with a waitress who lives in a trailer park. (sorry, I meant 'mobile estates') What a classy thing to do. Who has time for all those 10,000 dollar a night hookers when theirs someone at the local Denny's who'll show you an equally good time for a 20% tip on a Grand Slam combo. She'll even let you pull her hair and call her derogatory names.

I truly admire the way his wife has handled this though. Divorcing him, and taking hundreds of millions of dollars that he made is very strategic. Its also not like staying married to him would have any long term benefits like helping her become president of the United States. Besides, Hillary Clinton's already tried that, and we all know how that worked out. This is easily the most shocking extramarital scandal of recent history, but I still have to give the creativity award to Bill, for his unorthodox use of cigars.

It would be a shame for me not to also comment on the alleged domestic abuse which I feel is highly believable. His estranged wife is a descendant of the Vikings and probably worships Thor and thinks that when she dies she'll go to a place called Val Hala. In a fight between her and Tiger, the smart money is definitely on the Nordic, or any other woman, or child for that matter. Tiger is known to cry after losing, which is a perfectly reasonable response when competing in a high stakes leisure activity.

The popular sugar water company Gatorade also announced they would be discontinuing their line of flavors Woods has endorsed. In a courageous lie, they claim that it has anything to do with his 'recent transgressions'. Gatorade also told the press that if you look underneath the caps of their drinks they've printed the word "gullible".

Altogether I think this whole media event has been a fun distraction, giving Americans yet another chance to feel better about their lives through the downfall of a major celebrity. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 20 dollar bill and a Denny's reservation I'm late for.

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