The Movie Gandhi: Worst Six Hours of my Life

In high school my literature teacher decided she wanted to take a few days off of teaching because she was probably drunk all weekend or something, so she had us watch Gandhi. All 191 boobless minutes of it. What a treat that was. The reason we saw this was most likely because my high school had a super inflated theater budget instead of money for things that cause us to absorb knowledge. Rather than being teached how to write good we got to see dazzling spectacles with near-Broadway quality set pieces and Spanish soap opera quality acting. (unless of course you were one of the few people I knew who was in plays, you were great, good job!) Which leads me to my next point.

Gandhi is by far the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. I will never see a more dreadfully boring and drawn out movie. I would rather be dragged through the desert by a camel driven by Rosie O'Donnell with Brendan Fraser riding shotgun than ever watch this movie again . If you were wondering what kind of interesting things this film has to offer here's a brief run down.
  • You get to see Gandhi develop from a young, full figured white man into an old, emaciated Indian man.
  • It is made clear that white people are merciless, oppressive capitalist people who's only goal is to profit, no matter how many people they have to kill.
  • The non-violent tactic of a hunger strike is demonstrated by Gandhi. The concept is simple; if you want to control someone's behavior, refrain from ingesting food.
  • There is a very symbolic scene where Gandhi leads a group of his followers to the sea where he makes salt. I was asleep before this scene took place and I do not know its context, but I am told it was symbolic.
  • Martin Sheen is in the movie.
Now if you've read my work before you probably think you know where I'm going with this. You think I'm going to write a few paragraphs insulting Gandhi making various remarks that challenge both his man hood and/or sexuality. Well don't you have a keen eye, because that's exactly what I plan on doing

Us white people only understand two languages; English, violence, and limited Spanish depending on how close you live to L.A. Our strategy for centuries has been to invade a land by force, teach everyone English, and exploit the area's resources economically until nothing is left besides poverty and ruins, ultimately leaving the country in a wake of general disarray. We justify it in so many ways. In ancient times it was the Crusades, Israel after WWII was "a bunch of us were killed by Hitler so we get your land, Palestine", and the British Empire in the 1700's was "even though you live across the Atlantic ocean from us you still have to use our currency and pay us taxes on it" Americans haven't done this at all though, we are the exception. Say one word about Vietnam or Iraq and you are an unpatriotic parasite who is in all likelihood a terrorist.

What did Gandhi expect? Were the British invaders supposed to just say,

"I say, that jolly fellow hasn't eaten in several fortnights. Did you observe him making salt the other day? Truly symbolic."

"Yes. Yes, quite. Lets pack up and head back to England and continue drinking tea, playing baseball with a canoe paddle, not caring for our dental hygiene, and saying 'On the contrary' when we disagree."

"Jolly Good"

The only way to deal with someone who has invaded your country is to out gun them. Guns > You not eating. Fortunately or unfortunately for us whites we've been on the cutting edge of military technology. If the Native Americans had possessed the same weapons we did they probably would have killed us, scalped us, and worn our scalps as wigs while they did impressions of our British accents. If Gandhi had done something like organize militias to storm British compounds using Guerrilla tactics he probably could have gotten those fuckers out of there. That's how America did it, and it worked like brilliantly, because we are the best country in the world, on average.

In the end though, the British did eventually say a proverbial "fuck it" and left India in 1947. Some claim this was because of the Gahnd-man (my personal nickname for Gandhi) but it also could have been due to, I don't know, the two World Wars they had just fought?

And oh yeah, almost forgot, Gandhi's a homo ROFL

Fact#78 World War I was actually known as the Great War until World Wars II and III were fought.

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