If Party Up by DMX were a College Essay

You're all going to cause me to become mentally unstable, up in here. You are all going to cause me to perform to my capacity, up in here. You are all going to cause me to behave in a boisterous and socially unacceptable manner, up in here. You are all going to cause me to become upset, up in here.

Should I be required to deliver it to you cowards I will do it in a swift and timely fashion, so I will begin by sending a message to any previously incarcerated midgets; Perform fellatio on me. In regards to your associates, I hereby declare you finished and would like to make a formal threat against your lives.

It looks as though you didn't heed my warning, because now you are cocking your firearms and most likely going to commit acts that will result in police officers being called to the scene. The irony of this, however, is that your actions are in no way justifiable for the situation at hand.

The following analogy may at first seem nonsensical, but please, bear with me. You and your fellow gang members have the characteristics of a strip club, as evidenced by the fact that every time I am in your vicinity I feel as though I require having oral sex performed on me.

Further more, I am perplexed as to whom you believe you are speaking with. I will have you know that I am indeed NOT this man and I suggest you monitor your actions carefully. Any lack of compliance with this order will result in you being murdered and buried next to one of my former victims. Hopefully these events do not transpire because it is a commonly held belief that you hold yourself in high regard and have very high self esteem.

Your high self esteem was invariably not the issue that caused your demise, and perhaps it was the result of an adversary making hostile and derogatory remarks towards you. Regardless, the fact still remains that you are now in a coffin, eyes facing the church's ceiling. The preacher is telling your friends and family members of your death, and for them it is a highly emotional moment.


I am so mentally deranged that I leave my adversaries with such severe bullet wounds to their heads that the gray matter of their brain takes on a soft and unstable consistency. I do this, quite justifiably i might add, only because they are making futile attempts to gain fame and notoriety through association with me.

First and foremost, you have not been rapping for a long enough period of time and you are also far too weak. I believe you are inhaling the smoke of an illegal narcotic that is causing you to be under the false impression that you are Superman, but I posses the metaphorical kryptonite in the form of me striking you with my penis or a microphone, whichever is harder.

All of you are merely characters who falsely emulate those who you strive to be but are obviously not. Further more, you would make terrible Broadway or film actors. Now the only question that arises is what the outcome of your life situation will be. To figure this out, allow us to take into account the numerous variables.
  • You are generally disliked among your peers.
  • You are mentally unstable.
  • Your girlfriend is a promiscuous, deceitful individual.
  • You have no money and a low credit score.
  • Touching back on the subject of your girlfriend, her child is NOT your offspring. (many are aware of this)
  • Your father regards you as unintelligent, but you try to appear apathetic to this by maintaining that you have affectionate feelings towards your biological mother and she will never leave your embrace.
I am fed up to the point of exasperation with men who complain about women with whom they are not currently engaged in an exclusive relationship. They create problems for my friends and I, who are all very proficient at having sex with said women.


I cause such torrential rains it some how places a spell on your head. I suggest that we stop wasting our time discussing things and kill without hesitation. I insist that you keep walking or you are going to end up covered in blood causing the overall color of your body to be red. It is also important that I do not become an informant for the federal government, because that would indubitably lead to the death of all parties whom it may concern.

In conclusion, I highly encourage you to pay close attention to this last message; I am going to murder you and throw you into a river where your body will be discovered by an elderly man engaged in the act of fishing. Your Grandmother wishes dearly that your soul could rest peacefully in heaven, but digestion is made difficult by the large shotgun wound in your upper torso.


The End of Three Eras

The summer of 2009 was a time of frequent celebrity deaths, so it was only fitting that the following winter would be the death of two excellent T.V. shows and one terrible one. Lost, 24, and Law and Order were all shows that helped define and shape our generation and have provided us with a superficial interest through which to relate to one another. So here's some shit I wrote real quick about each of one.

Best show I've ever seen, been watching it for eight years, since season 1 when Terri was still alive. Think you're a 24 fan, jackass? You aren't, I am. Jack Bauer is the most capable fictional counter terrorist in the history of fiction, and if America had an agent half as capable as him, the War on Terror would have last two hours, with limited commercial interruption brought to you by the all new Ford F-150 extended cab. The Cold War actually started the day Jack Bauer was born; the U.S. had Jack Bauer, and all Russia had were nuclear weapons. Sadly the show had to come to a dramatic end, most likely because like O.J., Jack Bauer simply ran out of people to kill.

Law and Order
This show was cancelled after about 238 years for one reason and one reason only; you moronic C.S.I. fans. C.S.I. is a show set in a world where killers ejaculate at virtually every crime scene, and murders are not solved by hardboiled detectives who break the rules BUT GOD DAMN IT THEY GET RESULTS. On C.S.I., crimes are solved by frail, asthmatic nerds in lab coats who suddenly break into five minute techno lab montages where the music's all like UNCE UNCE UNCE UNCE UNCE as they fucking look at dust particles or semen under a microscope and shit. Seriously, this show has more semen than a Bukkake porn, not that I've ever watched one. Law and Order is a far superior show, but because you would rather watch grainy, shaky cam flash backs, and the intricate inner workings of a person's blood vessels as they are stabbed to death in slow motion, one of television's best shows was cancelled. So fuck you, douche.

Oh my god don't even fucking get me started on this stupid fucking show... I'm already angry enough as it is thinking about L&O and 24 getting cancelled because you'd rather watch semen based crime dramas and "reality" shows, so I think this show needs its own blog, and I'm going to tear those writers several new ones. Expect it like, whenever. And don't worry, I'll make at all articulate this time like I usually do. You know, with like college words and shit.


Formspring.me; Moral Decay's New URL

The premise of Formspring.me is simple. Users are asked anonymous questions about their breasts/penises/sexual partners or are flagrantly insulted without any means of verbal or physical retaliation. If there is one philosophical lesson this site has taught me, it is that under the veil of anonymity people transform into hateful, perverted lunatics who make personal attacks that make Mel Gibson's antisemitic DUI rant look like the "I Have a Dream" speech.

I've been using this website for months and I have had a few really great laughs at other peoples' questions and responses, and have enjoyed answering the many ridiculous questions as well as the few deep and meaningful questions I've received (about two). Almost every question has been about my genitalia, past sexual experiences, and insults made by people who are jealous of the shining example of humanity I am. Of all the questions I've answered, one in particular stands out like Ja Rule at a Jimmy Buffet concert.

Q: how does it feel being a giant douche, and ill beat you to the punch line... dont say something gay like "i dont know ask yourself or your mom". How does it feel knowing that YOU are a DOUCHE?

What this person did here was brilliant. Not only did he make a clear and irrefutable case that I am indeed a douche, he also put it in ALL CAPS and completely neutralized any possible comeback I could have made. Anyone who I've ever insulted knows that my only rebuttal to anything is a "your mom" joke. As a man, however, my questions are nothing compared to what women are faced with on this site.

If you are a female and thinking about signing up for formspring, keep in mind that you will receive no less than seventeen of the most sexually perverted questions a day. The questions will only increase in frequency and vulgarity as the days pass. Here is a simulated example of the average female formspring user's profile.

How big are your tits?

can I fuck you?
probably not :)

Can I fuck you?
No, none of you can, i don't even know who you are?

I'd like to hook up jumper cables to your nipples and electrocute you while I watch five of my Jewish friends have sex with you in an abandoned pool off I-5.
I'm calling the cops.

Even though I did make that last one up, I would bet my future first born son's life on the fact that that exact question has been asked at least once.


Oh yeah, by the way...



Sayings that Need Not be Said

No Offense/Don't take this personally/I'm not trying to be a dick, but...
It is a fundamental law of the universe that every statement that precedes this classic is going to cause some type of emotional distress to the recipient. Further more, the statement that comes after it is usually completely unnecessary or unwelcome such as "Your nose looks like balls." Society is under the false impression that uttering the words "no offense" is some type of magic spell that gives them the ability to say whatever they want without fear of hurting a person's feelings. News flash, magic spells don't exist.

"Fudge" in place of "Fuck".
Seriously, what are you, like, 12?

At any point in time, there are a near infinite number of possible events that are able to occur. Rather than waste three seconds of my valuable time, how about you just tell me? The worst is when the "guess what" isn't indeed rhetorical, but the person actually expects you to make wild stabs at what might have happened in their miserable, insignificant life. The odds of me accurately predicting that your friend has had sex with the semi-good looking barista from Starbucks is 1/1 x 10^23.

Good Try.
Please, save your breath and save me the humiliation of verbally acknowledging my failure. If it really was a "good try" I would have been successful, wouldn't I? I'm all for constructive criticism, but this is easily the least genuine thing you can say to someone. Just let them wallow in their self pity, and hopefully next time they attempt whatever it is they just failed at things will go more favorably for them.

You're not going to believe this.
Unless you're about to tell me that time travel has been discovered, a solid object passed through another solid object uninterrupted, or that Lindsay Lohan has been sober for three days, I will probably believe you. There's a lot of believable events out there, and your friend having sex with the semi good-looking barista from Starbucks is one of them.

Everyone; Stop saying this shit.


Argumentative Debate: A Strategy Guide

Throughout your miserable, insignificant little life of yours you will find yourself in countless situations where you must prove to someone of opposing opinion that yours is in fact superior. These are called arguments, and in order to win these battles of wit and cunning it is highly important to remember these key concepts.

Whoever stops talking first, wins.
Due to an inherent unwillingness to change opinion int he human mind, there are almost no situations in real life where you will change an opponents mind and have them willingly admit it. The only way to plausibly win any argument in life, is to be the person who gets the last word in.

Person A: I feel that a flat tax favors the rich.
Person B: No it doesn't.
Person A: No seriously, if they have more money, they are obligated to pay more.
Person B: Well no, because like, the trickle down effect, and that they pay the mos... [Reagan era tax policy arguments for five straight minutes]
Person A: Whatever, I'm gonna go make a sandwich.
Person B: I win

Television personality Bill O'Reilly is notorious for not following this rule, as he always gives his guests he debates with "the last word". Hopefully he'll learn some day.

Utilize college vocabulary for entirety of argumentative debate.
Using this technique is key for sounding condescending, which will make your opponent feel unsure as to what you are saying, there for causing them to believe that the subject at hand is so far beyond their realm of comprehension, they should just give up.

Person A: Global warming is a government hoax designed to get us behind new taxes.
Person B: There are several logical fallacies in your persuasive argument, the least of which being your low disregard for taxes. Scientists have been proving various hypotheses throughout many fort nights of work, all of which are indubitably indicative of an inverse relationship between human carbon dioxide emission...[Inconvenient Truth shit]
Person A: wow, the fact that you are using words with such high amounts of syllables in them really makes you sound believable. Maybe I SHOULD re-watch inconvenient truth and unquestioningly believe every single word of it.
See what person B did there? Rather than using normal words, he chose to use longer, less frequently used words to support his facts. "Dislike" becomes "low disregard", "ideas" becomes "hypotheses", and an otherwise mundane and pedestrian sounding piece of banter becomes an eloquent college worthy essay that makes Person A look like he went to high school in inner city Chicago.

Alcohol greatly increases your chance of winning an argument.
Because of alcohol's ability to lower your inhibitions, it allows you to speak more freely and formulate arguments more creatively. When under the influence of alcohol, you will also notice a new found passion for your opinions, and a more fluid and animated sense of gesticulation. Just be careful not to gesticulate too hard and spill your beer, PBR is expensive. Lets take a look at how a drunk Person A handles the debate on immigration with a sober Person B.

Person A: Really? How can you believe that the Arizona immigration bill is not racist?
Person A: Let me get this straight. You think its not racist... because they're spics?
Person B: Why are you yelling? We're in an Applebees man.
Person B: [pays bill] I'm out of here, get your self a cab, you shouldn't drive.

Person A's arguments now has a fresh, controversial spin to it that is actually quite ironic in retrospect. This gives his debate a fresh sense of realness that may make others also question their racial motives and sensibilities.

In conclusion, I leave you with these tried and true methods, and wish you the best of luck in your life's meaningless quarrellings with people of differing politically engineered opinions.


When I show up to the max on bike, get the fuck out the way

This blog is dedicated to all you mother fuckers that ride the max at around five pm, and stand in my way while I try to hang my bike on the designated hook. I know not everyone can do their part to save the world from global warming like me, but I think the least you could do to show appreciation for my care for the environment is to step the fuck out the way when I try to get on the train.

As a person who has virtually zero C02 emissions, I am a shining example of society, should be held in a much higher regard than common Earth-killing motorists, so please, all I ask is that you max riders step out of the way so I can hang my bike up. The other day an elderly woman told me to get off and wait for the next train. I promptly looked her in the eye, gave a firm "no", and that bitch shut the fuck up real quick. Another time an urban gentleman told me that I was, "taking up a lot of space with that bike man" as he stood in the very area where I was supposed to place my bike.

Not being one to provoke confrontation, I gave him a stern look, glanced down and to the right at the sign that said something to the extent of "don't fucking stand here because its where people who care about the environment hang their bikes", and he immediately moved to another part of the train and sat the fuck down, like the little bitch he was.

In conclusion, as a cyclist I am a shining example of society, someone Al Gore should thank, and an overall upstanding citizen of Earth. The only reason I ride a bike is because of my undying love for the Planet Earth and it has nothing to do with the fact that I lost my license because of a DUI. So you're welcome, citizens of Earth. Because of me the Polar Ice Caps will be around that much longer.

Captain Planet out.

The Most Morbid Message Ever Delivered by a Movie

The 2004 Clint Eastwood masterpiece Million Dollar Baby, despite having a name that makes it sound like a movie about high-end adoption, won a staggering four Oscars, along with 45 other lesser awards. The movie details the life of Maggie Fitzgerald (Hillary Swank), a woman who becomes a professional boxer with the reluctant help of a near fossilized Clint Eastwood, who's dialog consists mostly of incoherent mumbling. The movie is great, until you realize the overall message of this movie.

If at any point in your life you should become a paraplegic, you should just... fucking kill yourself. Fitzgerald suffers a major spinal injury at the hands of a cheap shot after the bell had rung, and she spends the final hour of the movie trying to convince Eastwood to kill her.
Clint Eastwood 01 Pictures, Images and Photos
Get off my lawn zipperhead...

I saw this movie senior year, in a writing class. The teacher also showed us the movie Mean Girls, probably just to show us that there was a time when Lindsay Lohan wasn't a crack whore. We were asked to write a journal entry on whether she was right for wanting to kill myself, and apparently half of my class was full of suicidal maniacs.

There were many arguments as to why she was correct, and the belief was widely held that Boxing was the only thing she had in her life, that she was totally right convincing Clint to commit murder and possibly spend the rest of his life in jail. You're right guys, no one has ever been a quadriplegic and gone on to lead a successful and rewarding life.
Hawking Pictures, Images and Photos
"Black holes and shit" -Stephen Hawking


Seta Kavianian

I will begin by saying that Seta is one of the greatest people in the entire world and one of few people whom I hold in high regard. She is objectively superior to her peers in the following ways. Her beauty radiates like the warm glow of the afternoon sun in midsummer and her pearl white teeth glisten like fresh snow when she smiles as my ever faster beating heart melts like a plastic tupperware lid in the microwave. It is my contention that without more people like Seta this world will quickly fall into a state of moral decay and general disarray.

Seta's razor sharp wit and no-holds-barred attitude is exactly what I look for in a person and it is in no way correct to describe her personality with words such as "fake" like so many anonymous formspring users mistakenly use. In conclusion, Seta is a shining example of humanity, a rare desert flower of beauty, (desert because she's Iranian), and is generally someone who is actually not wasting my oxygen and food supply by being alive.