Sayings that Need Not be Said

No Offense/Don't take this personally/I'm not trying to be a dick, but...
It is a fundamental law of the universe that every statement that precedes this classic is going to cause some type of emotional distress to the recipient. Further more, the statement that comes after it is usually completely unnecessary or unwelcome such as "Your nose looks like balls." Society is under the false impression that uttering the words "no offense" is some type of magic spell that gives them the ability to say whatever they want without fear of hurting a person's feelings. News flash, magic spells don't exist.

"Fudge" in place of "Fuck".
Seriously, what are you, like, 12?

At any point in time, there are a near infinite number of possible events that are able to occur. Rather than waste three seconds of my valuable time, how about you just tell me? The worst is when the "guess what" isn't indeed rhetorical, but the person actually expects you to make wild stabs at what might have happened in their miserable, insignificant life. The odds of me accurately predicting that your friend has had sex with the semi-good looking barista from Starbucks is 1/1 x 10^23.

Good Try.
Please, save your breath and save me the humiliation of verbally acknowledging my failure. If it really was a "good try" I would have been successful, wouldn't I? I'm all for constructive criticism, but this is easily the least genuine thing you can say to someone. Just let them wallow in their self pity, and hopefully next time they attempt whatever it is they just failed at things will go more favorably for them.

You're not going to believe this.
Unless you're about to tell me that time travel has been discovered, a solid object passed through another solid object uninterrupted, or that Lindsay Lohan has been sober for three days, I will probably believe you. There's a lot of believable events out there, and your friend having sex with the semi good-looking barista from Starbucks is one of them.

Everyone; Stop saying this shit.


  1. this is the sort of thing i would expect from a comedian. quite entertaining i will grant you that. =]

    i very much enjoy literal interpretation of observational comedy

  2. I like this one. It's in my top 5 of your blogs, I'd say. Keep it up.