If Party Up by DMX were a College Essay

You're all going to cause me to become mentally unstable, up in here. You are all going to cause me to perform to my capacity, up in here. You are all going to cause me to behave in a boisterous and socially unacceptable manner, up in here. You are all going to cause me to become upset, up in here.

Should I be required to deliver it to you cowards I will do it in a swift and timely fashion, so I will begin by sending a message to any previously incarcerated midgets; Perform fellatio on me. In regards to your associates, I hereby declare you finished and would like to make a formal threat against your lives.

It looks as though you didn't heed my warning, because now you are cocking your firearms and most likely going to commit acts that will result in police officers being called to the scene. The irony of this, however, is that your actions are in no way justifiable for the situation at hand.

The following analogy may at first seem nonsensical, but please, bear with me. You and your fellow gang members have the characteristics of a strip club, as evidenced by the fact that every time I am in your vicinity I feel as though I require having oral sex performed on me.

Further more, I am perplexed as to whom you believe you are speaking with. I will have you know that I am indeed NOT this man and I suggest you monitor your actions carefully. Any lack of compliance with this order will result in you being murdered and buried next to one of my former victims. Hopefully these events do not transpire because it is a commonly held belief that you hold yourself in high regard and have very high self esteem.

Your high self esteem was invariably not the issue that caused your demise, and perhaps it was the result of an adversary making hostile and derogatory remarks towards you. Regardless, the fact still remains that you are now in a coffin, eyes facing the church's ceiling. The preacher is telling your friends and family members of your death, and for them it is a highly emotional moment.


I am so mentally deranged that I leave my adversaries with such severe bullet wounds to their heads that the gray matter of their brain takes on a soft and unstable consistency. I do this, quite justifiably i might add, only because they are making futile attempts to gain fame and notoriety through association with me.

First and foremost, you have not been rapping for a long enough period of time and you are also far too weak. I believe you are inhaling the smoke of an illegal narcotic that is causing you to be under the false impression that you are Superman, but I posses the metaphorical kryptonite in the form of me striking you with my penis or a microphone, whichever is harder.

All of you are merely characters who falsely emulate those who you strive to be but are obviously not. Further more, you would make terrible Broadway or film actors. Now the only question that arises is what the outcome of your life situation will be. To figure this out, allow us to take into account the numerous variables.
  • You are generally disliked among your peers.
  • You are mentally unstable.
  • Your girlfriend is a promiscuous, deceitful individual.
  • You have no money and a low credit score.
  • Touching back on the subject of your girlfriend, her child is NOT your offspring. (many are aware of this)
  • Your father regards you as unintelligent, but you try to appear apathetic to this by maintaining that you have affectionate feelings towards your biological mother and she will never leave your embrace.
I am fed up to the point of exasperation with men who complain about women with whom they are not currently engaged in an exclusive relationship. They create problems for my friends and I, who are all very proficient at having sex with said women.


I cause such torrential rains it some how places a spell on your head. I suggest that we stop wasting our time discussing things and kill without hesitation. I insist that you keep walking or you are going to end up covered in blood causing the overall color of your body to be red. It is also important that I do not become an informant for the federal government, because that would indubitably lead to the death of all parties whom it may concern.

In conclusion, I highly encourage you to pay close attention to this last message; I am going to murder you and throw you into a river where your body will be discovered by an elderly man engaged in the act of fishing. Your Grandmother wishes dearly that your soul could rest peacefully in heaven, but digestion is made difficult by the large shotgun wound in your upper torso.

1 comment:

  1. Your range of vocabulary was excellent, yet some sentances seemed to run on. But I suppose thats the nature of this style of translation. It's funny that you posted this, because I used to do the same thing when properly influenced. Not nearly as efficient as this one, due to the fact that it was improv.