Argumentative Debate: A Strategy Guide

Throughout your miserable, insignificant little life of yours you will find yourself in countless situations where you must prove to someone of opposing opinion that yours is in fact superior. These are called arguments, and in order to win these battles of wit and cunning it is highly important to remember these key concepts.

Whoever stops talking first, wins.

Due to an inherent unwillingness to change opinion int he human mind, there are almost no situations in real life where you will change an opponents mind and have them willingly admit it. The only way to plausibly win any argument in life, is to be the person who gets the last word in.

Example:

Person A: I feel that a flat tax favors the rich.

Person B: No it doesn't.

Person A: No seriously, if they have more money, they are obligated to pay more.

Person B: Well no, because like, the trickle down effect, and that they pay the mos... [Reagan era tax policy arguments for five straight minutes]

Person A: Whatever, I'm gonna go make a sandwich.

Person B: I win

Television personality Bill O'Reilly is notorious for not following this rule, as he always gives his guests he debates with "the last word". Hopefully he'll learn some day.

Utilize college vocabulary for entirety of argumentative debate.

Using this technique is key for sounding condescending, which will make your opponent feel unsure as to what you are saying, there for causing them to believe that the subject at hand is so far beyond their realm of comprehension, they should just give up.

Example

Person A: Global warming is a government hoax designed to get us behind new taxes.

Person B: There are several logical fallacies in your persuasive argument, the least of which being your low disregard for taxes. Scientists have been proving various hypotheses throughout many fort nights of work, all of which are indubitably indicative of an inverse relationship between human carbon dioxide emission...[Inconvenient Truth shit]

Person A: wow, the fact that you are using words with such high amounts of syllables in them really makes you sound believable. Maybe I SHOULD re-watch inconvenient truth and unquestioningly believe every single word of it.

See what person B did there? Rather than using normal words, he chose to use longer, less frequently used words to support his facts. "Dislike" becomes "low disregard", "ideas" becomes "hypotheses", and an otherwise mundane and pedestrian sounding piece of banter becomes an eloquent college worthy essay that makes Person A look like he went to high school in inner city Chicago.

Alcohol greatly increases your chance of winning an argument.

Because of alcohol's ability to lower your inhibitions, it allows you to speak more freely and formulate arguments more creatively. When under the influence of alcohol, you will also notice a new found passion for your opinions, and a more fluid and animated sense of gesticulation. Just be careful not to gesticulate too hard and spill your beer, PBR is expensive. Lets take a look at how a drunk Person A handles the debate on immigration with a sober Person B.

Person A: Really? How can you believe that the Arizona immigration bill is not racist?

Person B: BECAUSE ITS NOT RACIAL PROFILING IF THEY'RE ALL SPICS!

Person A: Let me get this straight. You think its not racist... because they're spics?

Person A: YOU DON'T KNOW! I WATCH THE NEWS! I HAVE A FIRM GRIP ON THINGS!

Person B: Why are you yelling? We're in an Applebees man.

Person A: APPLEBEES IS ALLLL SPICS.

Person B: [pays bill] I'm out of here, get your self a cab, you shouldn't drive.

Person A's arguments now has a fresh, controversial spin to it that is actually quite ironic in retrospect. This gives his debate a fresh sense of realness that may make others also question their racial motives and sensibilities.

In conclusion, I leave you with these tried and true methods, and wish you the best of luck in your life's meaningless quarrellings with people of differing politically engineered opinions.