Bars; a Practical Guide for Soon-to-be Adults

You're twenty years old and it's been the longest year of your life. You feel like you've been the same age for the last three years. As the time quickly melts away like the faces of the bad guys at the end of that Indiana Jones movie, your 21st birthday is mere weeks away. You understandably have a few questions as to what bars and nightclubs are like and how you should behave there. In this article I am going to attempt to explain to you some of the basic rules and social norms which you should get used to following unless you want to end up embarrassing yourself in front of more seasoned bar goers.

1. Ordering Drinks
When you first take a seat at the bar, get the bartender's attention by dramatically waving both of your arms in the air. When you have their focus tell them you'd like to open an account. The bartender will then give you a unique user name and password that you will use to access your tab. It is important not to let anyone else know your password or their drinks will be on you.
Put seven tenths of shitty vodka on my tab please

2. Open Vs. Closed Tab
ALWAYS leave your tab open. Paying for drinks one at a time takes precious seconds out of the bartender's life and is highly frowned upon in the bar community. Paying for drinks individually will most likely result in the bartender poisoning you at some point in the night. Open tabs are also useful so that if you forget how many drinks you ordered when its time to pay the bartender can simply keep track themselves. Bartenders are very honest people and will never add drinks to an open tab even though there is virtually no way to prove them wrong or dispute what you owe.

3. Tipping
Bartenders have very difficult jobs. Pouring liquids into a glass and handing them to people is very mentally and physically taxing, there for it is important to reward their service by leaving a tip that is AT LEAST twice the value of the drink you ordered. As before, not following this guideline may result in you being poisoned by the bartender.
Sometimes bartenders will resort to clever phrases rather than poisonings. Sometimes.
4. Award Markings (xx/86)
On especially extravagant evenings you may find yourself with a much higher blood alcohol content than the average bar patron. If the bar staff deem you worthy, they will draw two large X's somewhere on your forearms. This is to let everyone know that you have gained the respect of the bartenders based on the fact that you can really handle a lot of alcohol. Drinks will then be free of charge for the rest of the night. On rare occasions, the number 86 will be drawn instead of the x's. This practice originated when a bartender told a guest, "man, you're slammin back like you've been drinkin' since 86" It is truly the highest honor that a hardened night crawler can attain in their life.
Getting 86'd is basically like receiving the Congressional Medal of Honor in the military
5. Dungeons.
A lot of people don't know about this, but almost every bar in the world has an exclusive basement area reserved for frequent and well-liked guests, similar to a VIP area. After you've been consistently going to a particular bar and have become friendly with their staff, ask them about their dungeon. If they hold you in high enough esteem, they will quietly slide you a key and with a quick, inconspicuous nod of the head you will be directed to the Dungeon's entrance. If it is decided that you are not yet Dungeon-worthy, the bartender will give you a confused look like he doesn't know what you're talking about but he TOTALLY DOES.

6. Room Guards
Room guards, sometimes called Floor Patrol in certain parts of the Midwest, are generally tall, portly gentlemen in black shirts who are there to keep the peace. They are usually very talkative and friendly, especially if you are already drunk. Don't behave in an unruly fashion around them, however. This kind of behavior will result in you being tied up in ropes and locked in the bar's storage area after they think you've sobered up. After this, they will physically remove you from the premises, and ask you to leave and not return. Although they are only authorized to use non-lethal force, they are allowed to use deadly force if they feel their lives are threatened. They usually do, and all they have to tell the police is that it looked like they were reaching for a knife.

7. Smoking
Smoking cigarettes used to be a major staple in the world of bars, but many states have banned this practice because of an elaborate medical hoax that links smoking to certain illnesses. Having a quick smoke outside of the bar is allowed and often encouraged. This is because one cigarette will always slightly sober you up for at least like a minute.

8. The Twenty Minute Rule
Should you feel like you've had too many drinks and may be one shot away from blacking out, give yourself twenty minutes before ordering the next one. If you feel like you can handle it, go for it. If you still feel highly intoxicated you will most likely say "fuck it, I'm getting one anyway" which actually makes this rule kind of pointless.

9. Avoiding Arrest for Drunk in Public/Drunk and Disorderly
If at anytime during the night you feel a police officer is trying to arrest you for either of these offenses, calmly tell them that you are feeling woozy from what must have been some bad shellfish earlier and that you may have severe food poisoning. At this point the officer is required to call an ambulance and have you taken to the hospital. Once at the hospital you can just leave. If this doesn't work, tell the cop that you aren't drunk, just retarded.

10. Dress Code
For men, it is most common to go to any bar in a full six piece tuxedo. Men who go out not dressed like this looking to meet a lady for the night might as well just stay at home and masturbate. For women, it shouldn't be anything that you wouldn't wear to a funeral.

11. The No Beards Policy
Some bars enforce a strict rules against the wearing of a full beard. At these places, having a beard will ensure your denial of entrance and growing one while inside will result in one of the Room Guards asking you to leave and to not return. As a good rule of thumb, it is best to go out clean-shaven during your first several months of being 21 until you have a good understanding of which bars are beard-friendly.
"Sorry Saddam, we're at capacity"

12. Karaoke
Don't. Just fucking don't. The only people who will even think its funny are you and the rest of the fat chicks in your stupid bachelorette party.

13. Last Call
By United States law and by worldwide tradition, bars always close promptly at eleven pm. Be sure to plan on leaving by at least 10:45 because if the bar is crowded a bottleneck may form at the door since so many people will be trying to leave at once. This should be avoided because if this happens and the building catches on fire or someone starts shooting a gun you are FUCKED.

So remember children/future adults; tip by twice the value, always say hi to the room guards, and be nice to the bartenders so you may one day gain entrance to their dungeon. Also, if you plan on driving drunk home, make sure you chew some gum. If you get pulled over, the police will never be able to tell how drunk you are because it covers up the smell.


Stop Using REDBOX, You ADHD Fucks

There isn't really much more I need to say about this subject. Keep scrolling.


The Objective Truth Behind the 4Loko Ban

The United States legislature is at it again and assisting large corporations by accusing the makers of Four Loko to be producing a dangerous beverage that is killing otherwise responsible college students and being marketed to children. This is especially dangerous because as we all know, children are allowed to buy alcohol. You most likely remember my article that exposed the real reasons behind the illegality of clove cigarettes, because you've read every single one of these, and you will see in this piece that their motives are shockingly the same.
Shockingly. The Same.
This is by far one of the single most unconstitutional thing the government has ever done, and should be thought to be both reprehensible and un-American. Four Loko does not contain a single ingredient that poses a threat to anyone in moderation. Alcohol poisoning related deaths are likely to happen to anyone, and the addition of caffeine actually makes this drink safer. For instance;
  • Most people tend to "pass out" when under the influence of large quantities of alcohol. With the addition of caffeine, the drinker is enabled to stay up longer and have more fun. You are also less likely to have your body tampered with.
  • Rapes related to people passed out are virtually nullified by Four Loko. (see above)
  • Caffeine is said to offset the effects of alcohol, making drunk driving much safer. This dramatically decreases the number of drunk driving fatalities.
  • Four Loko makes almost any woman look fantastic.
To be fair, I did sit down and make a list of every possible negative thing about Four Loko that I could possibly think of, so here's that list.
  • I'm not drinking one right now.
From this fair and balanced argument, its pretty easy to say that Four Loko has no objectively bad aspects to it, and the only people who have been sent to hell by this drink died for the same reasons anyone else who dies of alcohol poisoning does; bad luck. If this is all true, then why is the government so adamant about pulling this Nectar of the Gods from the shelves? One not need be Stephen Hawking to see the crippling evidence as to why the government hates this drink.

Its common knowledge that the government is controlled by large corporations. If you think I am wrong on this, you obviously don't know who our Treasury Secretary and Chief of Staff are and who they used to work for. (The major banks). You also probably don't know what company is rebuilding Iraq, that Dick Cheney used to be CEO of. (Halliburton)

Now that Four Loko, produced by a small, independent company called Phusion, has produced a product that consumers have decided fucks you up longer and quicker than beer, Anhauser-Busch and Miller have created media hype about 12 year old's thinking that the pretty colors on the cans are turning them into alcoholics over night. I have no direct proof of any of this being true at all, because I don't need proof. Regardless of whether or not this is true, beer sales are going to sky rocket. Their logic is exactly the same as when Big Tobacco lobbied the government to ban clove cigarettes, because before that happened India controlled a whopping 1% of the U.S. tobacco market.

If you are one of the brainwashed masses who believes that Four Loko has been rightfully banned, you are objectively wrong and any argument you make for yourself can be refuted by the following statement; Caffeine is legal, alcohol is legal. People die of alcohol poisoning all the time and its their fault for not drinking responsibly. Again, if you disagree with me on this, you are wrong.


Let's Stop Lying to Ourselves this Christmas Season

Its that time of year again, when Christmas, and coincidentally other religious holidays occur in December, and we are forced by tradition to temporarily abandon our unfounded hatred for each other and collectively spend 87 billion dollars on gift cards. Gift cards of course, being almost worthless compared to real cash and in rare cases, a real present.

The reason people buy gift cards is as obvious as it is justified. It usually starts with an elderly person browsing Barnes and Noble, wondering which collections of nude illustrations by Glenn Beck they should buy. They're daughter calls them on their cell phone, and if they can figure out how to answer it they are casually reminded that their grandson's 12th birthday is coming up. Not being able to figure out what kind of book to buy him because they forgot that he doesn't know how to read, (only write) they buy him a twenty dollar gift card.

To this child, a 20 dollar gift card isn't worth the plastic magnetic strip the twenty dollars is embedded on. It is non nonrefundable and his friends laugh at him when he offers to sell it to them for as little as 10 cents on the dollar. (that means two dollars for any NASCAR fans who might be reading this)

If you still somehow hold the wrong opinion that gift cards are a practical and thoughtful gift, allow me to swiftly shatter that illusion with my brilliant logic. When you buy someone a gift card, you are not only showing them your thoughtlessness by affectively telling them to choose their own gift, you are giving them something that is almost worthless compared to cash.

Cash can be used any where. In any store, in any public transaction, to buy anything from pencil illustrations to illegal drugs. It can even be converted into foreign currency and used abroad to buy even more exotic illustrations and drugs. All that, while the only thing that McDonald's Arch Card you bought you 7 year old nephew will buy is childhood obesity and years of dark, hollow depression, most likely leading to suicide.

TL;DR Gift cards cause suicide.

Also: Hypothetical conversation this article may lead to.

Person A "I buy gift cards because it shows I care. My grandson can use this 20 dollar gift card at Best Buy to purchase headphones if he needs them, or something of that nature"

Me "If you simply gave him cash, wouldn't he be able to buy those headphones OR something at any other store in the entire world?"

Person B "wow, you're so right, I will never question you on anything again and I am sorry for doubting your wisdom in the first place."


Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps Review

Much like my review for the awful movie precious, I should first start out by admitting that I have never seen this movie, nor do I intend to, and that my opinions are entirely based on theatrical trailers, IMDB.com information, my opinion of the first movie which I DID see, and second hand testimonials.

This movie is the sequel to the nineteen-ninety-something box office hit: Wallstreet, starring Charlie Sheene and Michael Douglas. Its basically about Charlie Sheene doing a bunch of insider trading and cocaine, making himself filthy rich while his down-home, blue collar father shakes his head in disapproval. A bunch of shit happens and Charlie Sheene and Michael Douglas end up going to jail. I do not know the plot of the sequel, a term I use loosely since its been over twenty years since the original was made, but I can tell you that this movie is an absolute shit pile. Allow me to explain.

The Movie is rated PG-13
The original Wall Street had that rare blend of swearing, drug use, and no-context nudity that provided an extremely grim portrait of New York City. This movie has Shia LeBeouff.

The Movie has Shia Lebeouff
Remember that annoying little bitch they use as a character to make it seem like the two Transformers movies had plots? That douche bags the main character.

The title
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. No fucking shit, its money. Its an inanimate object, it doesn't have to. Whats sad is how whoever thought of this title probably jumped out of his seat and said "I GOT IT!" when he thought of it, and all of his peers nodded in flaccid approval.

The Lack of Charlie Sheene
Even though you'd think I am, I am not a Hollywood screenplay writer. Despite this, even I know that when you make a sequel to a movie it should probably have the same main character, and not have a new main character played by an actor who bench presses less than Justin Bieber. Charlie Sheene is by far the most raging alcoholic in America, and who better to play the role of an insider trader fresh out of years in federal prison? No one.

The movie some how cost 70 million dollars to make
If a movie is going to cost that much to produce, it should have these three things; at least three giant explosions. Movies with budgets like that are usually mildly entertaining, but this movie is just "blah blah economy blah blah i'm Shia LeBeouff and I'm the worst actor ever blah blah" How that cost 70 million dollars to write, shoot, and produce is beyond me.

This movie has only made 35 million dollars so far. Let's keep it that way.