Bars; a Practical Guide for Soon-to-be Adults

You're twenty years old and it's been the longest year of your life. You feel like you've been the same age for the last three years. As the time quickly melts away like the faces of the bad guys at the end of that Indiana Jones movie, your 21st birthday is mere weeks away. You understandably have a few questions as to what bars and nightclubs are like and how you should behave there. In this article I am going to attempt to explain to you some of the basic rules and social norms which you should get used to following unless you want to end up embarrassing yourself in front of more seasoned bar goers.

1. Ordering Drinks
When you first take a seat at the bar, get the bartender's attention by dramatically waving both of your arms in the air. When you have their focus tell them you'd like to open an account. The bartender will then give you a unique user name and password that you will use to access your tab. It is important not to let anyone else know your password or their drinks will be on you.
Put seven tenths of shitty vodka on my tab please

2. Open Vs. Closed Tab
ALWAYS leave your tab open. Paying for drinks one at a time takes precious seconds out of the bartender's life and is highly frowned upon in the bar community. Paying for drinks individually will most likely result in the bartender poisoning you at some point in the night. Open tabs are also useful so that if you forget how many drinks you ordered when its time to pay the bartender can simply keep track themselves. Bartenders are very honest people and will never add drinks to an open tab even though there is virtually no way to prove them wrong or dispute what you owe.

3. Tipping
Bartenders have very difficult jobs. Pouring liquids into a glass and handing them to people is very mentally and physically taxing, there for it is important to reward their service by leaving a tip that is AT LEAST twice the value of the drink you ordered. As before, not following this guideline may result in you being poisoned by the bartender.
Sometimes bartenders will resort to clever phrases rather than poisonings. Sometimes.
4. Award Markings (xx/86)
On especially extravagant evenings you may find yourself with a much higher blood alcohol content than the average bar patron. If the bar staff deem you worthy, they will draw two large X's somewhere on your forearms. This is to let everyone know that you have gained the respect of the bartenders based on the fact that you can really handle a lot of alcohol. Drinks will then be free of charge for the rest of the night. On rare occasions, the number 86 will be drawn instead of the x's. This practice originated when a bartender told a guest, "man, you're slammin back like you've been drinkin' since 86" It is truly the highest honor that a hardened night crawler can attain in their life.
Getting 86'd is basically like receiving the Congressional Medal of Honor in the military
5. Dungeons.
A lot of people don't know about this, but almost every bar in the world has an exclusive basement area reserved for frequent and well-liked guests, similar to a VIP area. After you've been consistently going to a particular bar and have become friendly with their staff, ask them about their dungeon. If they hold you in high enough esteem, they will quietly slide you a key and with a quick, inconspicuous nod of the head you will be directed to the Dungeon's entrance. If it is decided that you are not yet Dungeon-worthy, the bartender will give you a confused look like he doesn't know what you're talking about but he TOTALLY DOES.

6. Room Guards
Room guards, sometimes called Floor Patrol in certain parts of the Midwest, are generally tall, portly gentlemen in black shirts who are there to keep the peace. They are usually very talkative and friendly, especially if you are already drunk. Don't behave in an unruly fashion around them, however. This kind of behavior will result in you being tied up in ropes and locked in the bar's storage area after they think you've sobered up. After this, they will physically remove you from the premises, and ask you to leave and not return. Although they are only authorized to use non-lethal force, they are allowed to use deadly force if they feel their lives are threatened. They usually do, and all they have to tell the police is that it looked like they were reaching for a knife.

7. Smoking
Smoking cigarettes used to be a major staple in the world of bars, but many states have banned this practice because of an elaborate medical hoax that links smoking to certain illnesses. Having a quick smoke outside of the bar is allowed and often encouraged. This is because one cigarette will always slightly sober you up for at least like a minute.

8. The Twenty Minute Rule
Should you feel like you've had too many drinks and may be one shot away from blacking out, give yourself twenty minutes before ordering the next one. If you feel like you can handle it, go for it. If you still feel highly intoxicated you will most likely say "fuck it, I'm getting one anyway" which actually makes this rule kind of pointless.

9. Avoiding Arrest for Drunk in Public/Drunk and Disorderly
If at anytime during the night you feel a police officer is trying to arrest you for either of these offenses, calmly tell them that you are feeling woozy from what must have been some bad shellfish earlier and that you may have severe food poisoning. At this point the officer is required to call an ambulance and have you taken to the hospital. Once at the hospital you can just leave. If this doesn't work, tell the cop that you aren't drunk, just retarded.

10. Dress Code
For men, it is most common to go to any bar in a full six piece tuxedo. Men who go out not dressed like this looking to meet a lady for the night might as well just stay at home and masturbate. For women, it shouldn't be anything that you wouldn't wear to a funeral.

11. The No Beards Policy
Some bars enforce a strict rules against the wearing of a full beard. At these places, having a beard will ensure your denial of entrance and growing one while inside will result in one of the Room Guards asking you to leave and to not return. As a good rule of thumb, it is best to go out clean-shaven during your first several months of being 21 until you have a good understanding of which bars are beard-friendly.
"Sorry Saddam, we're at capacity"

12. Karaoke
Don't. Just fucking don't. The only people who will even think its funny are you and the rest of the fat chicks in your stupid bachelorette party.

13. Last Call
By United States law and by worldwide tradition, bars always close promptly at eleven pm. Be sure to plan on leaving by at least 10:45 because if the bar is crowded a bottleneck may form at the door since so many people will be trying to leave at once. This should be avoided because if this happens and the building catches on fire or someone starts shooting a gun you are FUCKED.

So remember children/future adults; tip by twice the value, always say hi to the room guards, and be nice to the bartenders so you may one day gain entrance to their dungeon. Also, if you plan on driving drunk home, make sure you chew some gum. If you get pulled over, the police will never be able to tell how drunk you are because it covers up the smell.


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