Hamsters: America's Favorite Short Term Pet

People who allow their children to own hamsters, or anyone else for that matter, really piss me off. They some how put up with the smell of urine soaked wood shavings for the entire 8 months they are alive. It is of course customary to purchase at least two or more hamsters because otherwise, one would get lonely. Because we all know that hamsters experience complex human emotions such as loneliness, fear, and ironic betrayal.

Every experience I've ever had with hamsters has been both emotionally taxing on myself and the other people around me. Mostly other people though, as I generally tend to not be very emotional. The first two hamsters my sister had when she was nine lived well into their ninth month of existence, but tragically suffered simultaneous deaths one night before school.
I awoke to cry's of bitter despair as she lay weeping over the odoriferous cage. Their lifeless corpses were sprawled out in similar directions as if they had been running from some perceived threat. No autopsy was performed, so their cause of death is still to be determined. I maintain the Russians had something to do with it. A proper burial was held, but my sister's anguish was renewed after one of our cats unearthed one of the deceased hamsters and proudly brought it inside.

How such grief over a simple, mindless rodent is still far beyond my realm of comprehension but I think we can all agree that the only way to save our children from the anguish of premature sudden hamster death is to simply refrain entirely from purchasing these filthy creatures. There is no conceivable reason to own a hamster. They spend their entire, miserable, insignificant lives inside of plastic boxes, with brief intervals of being held in the hands of some clumsy child, who will in all likelihood drop it on the floor, let it scurry under the couch, and eventually die. Seeing them run on their exercise wheels loses its novelty after the third or fourth time, and the smell that emanates from their cages is unbearable at best. In conclusion, if I ever have kids, and chances are I won't, I will NEVER allow them to own any type of hamster unless they move out. And if my wife has a problem with that, then she can just sleep on the couch. Have a good night, stay in school, don't do drugs, and beg God for forgiveness of your sins and to have mercy on your soul. 2012 is coming. Have you made the right choices in life?

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