America's Pass Time Part Deuce

So anyway after 7th grade I began to despise baseball because I realized how dreadfully slow and uneventful it is. I know what you're thinking, "but alix, basball iz lik soo cool and teh shit!" You're argument is flawed in so many ways. Even back in the day it was better than it is now (which isn't saying much) and here's why.
tim lincecum Pictures, Images and Photos
This woman is currently the best baseball player in america. Seriously this guy looks like he listens to panic at the disco and has a myspace display name that says XxTIMxX {theFrEaK} HARDxCORE -linceCUM- What happened to the good old days when men played baseball like Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson? I'll tell you what happened. They started persecuting athletes who used (gasp) performance enhancing drugs.

I don't understand how its cheating if you're using naturally occurring substances in order to boost your performance in a way that is good for both your stats and the popularity of the sport. We humans are very different from any other being on this planet. We came to be without a warm covering of fur so we made clothes. Killing deer is too hard with our bare hands so we made guns. And we are naturally not strong enough to hit 70 home runs in a season, so we made steroids. Out of naturally occurring chemicals.

And don't get me started on the sheer insolence of our congress for indicting Roger Clemens and forcing him to testify in front of a congressional committee. Too late! I'm started! I think congress has bigger more important things to worry about like, I don't know, the war, the economy, and abolishing clove cigarettes. I don't think someone "cheating" at baseball should be much of a concern for them. Thats like the time in elementary school when I got called into the principals office for cheating at kickball. I was using a corked shoe, and to this day I maintain that I was accidentally wearing my kickball home run derby shoes. There is also still an asterisk next to my name on a trophy in the schools glass case where it says "Alex Waterman; Best Kickball Player Ever*" underneath a trophy of me holding a large sword.

This whole topic ultimately comes down to all you sportsmanship blow-hards (i am still using the term "blow-hard" in its literal definition) who feel that sports have become tainted by the use of performance enhancing drugs. You think that athletes who use steroids are Godless frauds who's crime of using steroids is worse than murder and rape combined. If athletes are so bad, maybe you just shouldn't watch sports. The way I see it, sports are now more fun and exciting to watch as a result, and as far as the long term health side effects, I really don't see why I should care. Hey, its not me jamming a needle into the fleshy part of my ass, and drastically shortening my life because I want my profession to be running around in a circle wearing a button down shirt and striped pants.

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