Bank of America's Protection is as Effective as Pulling Out

The other day I had 23 dollars in my bank account because I'm poor and don't have a job. So I go out to eat. McDonald's, of course, because I'm poor and don't have a job. So that was 6 dollars gone. Another day passes and I feel like going to some place fancy; Panda Express. Another 8 dollars gone. The day after that I check my account to see if have enough for a Craigslist escort when I'm confronted with the red fonted -12.34. I was utterly perplexed. I've never been Stephen Hawking when it came to math, (although I can do spot on robot impression) but I was sure that 23 - 7 - 8 > -12.34. When I checked my list of charges to see where I had bought something for twenty dollars, I saw a 10 dollar "overdraft protection fee" followed by a 10 dollar account hold fee. It was the Irony of Ironies. Something that seemingly protects me from over drafting has caused me to do just that. It reminded me of how mobsters go in and fuck up store fronts so that the owner would pay them protection money. So I check the bank's website to see what overdraft protection is. I am not exaggerating, there were literally two sentences saying what it was, and another saying that it didn't cost any money. I haven't gone to the bank yet to confront them about this issue, but I'm guessing this is how its going to go.

Me "Excuse me, I have a small problem. I was arbitrarily charged 20 dollars from my account by your overdraft protection program, even though I had 8 dollars in my account.
Banker "Overdraft protection is a service to help you prevent returned checks and overdrafts on your checking account. With overdraft protection, available funds from your savings account, line of credit, or credit card are automatically transferred to your checking account if you should overdraw your account".
Me "Uhm... I know.. I read that verbatim from your companies website. I over drafted because of a charge I was never made aware of.
Banker "Actually (prints out my statement) the overdraft protection fee was applied before you you ate at Panda Express. I like your taste in fine dining by the way, and you have the prettiest eyes.
Me "BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE OVERDRAWN IF THAT CHARGE WAS NEVER MADE. I didn't come here to argue, just give me my 8 dollars back. I have a date with a woman I met on Craigslist and I'm running late."
Banker "I'm sorry corporate headquarters just released a memo not allowing us to give money back for banking errors. Please step away, as this line is only for customers who have money with the bank"
Me "You stole that last line from Southpark! You'll soon regret this. As soon as I get home I'm going to write a blog about this incident, and no ones going to want to do business with this bank ever again, because a lot of people read my blog."
Banker "Have a nice day! We hope to see you soon!"
Me "You will see me soon. Craigslist. Casual Encounters."

Man thats going to be awkward when it happens.

and to the ladies, I'm actually a wealthy business man, and none of this is actually true.

1 comment:

  1. I as well have a bank of america account and you have to have 25 dollars in your checking account at all time unless its conisdered an overdraft. Its a gay rule but you signed the contract when you opened your card