You Wanna Hear a Football Joke? The CFL

What do you urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? The taste. In addition to shitty beer, they also have a shitty "proffesional" football leage. I was just as surprised as you were. A lot of people don't know Canada has professional football, because honestly, who pays attention to Canada? All people really know about Canada is that they say things incorrectly, love hockey because all their freshwater bodies are frozen year round, and have never been in a war most likely because of their high French population. I never used to really have a problem with Canadians (other than the fact that I don't like them) until I witnessed the stop and go train wreck that is Canadian football. For those of you unfamiliar with the sport, and I'm assuming that's all of you, here is a run down of how their rules differ from the rules of real football.
  • Three downs instead of four. Canadians will tell you this makes it more exciting because they always have to pass on second down and the game has a much faster pace. Yeah, and condoms make sex more exciting as well. You can have your "fast paced exciting passing game," we'll just have to make do with our good football players.
  • The endzone is 20 yards long, and the field is 110 yards goal line to goal line. Clearly an attempt to one up America. What makes their field worse is the fact that the uprights are based on the goal line instead of behind the endzone where they should be. Cool, a giant pole right in the middle of each redzone, I'm sure that never fucks things up.
  • 12 men on each side as opposed to the correct 11. Again, another feeble attempt to one up the best country ever made.
  • Wide receivers are allowed to be in motion before the snap. I really don't know who this gives the advantage to. Does it make it easier for wide receivers to burn their defenders, or does it make it easier for the defense to anticipate the snap? In the end, everyone loses because they're on a Canadian football team.
  • There are 8 teams in the CFL, with maximum rosters of about 42 players, and a salary cap of a mind staggering 4.2 million measly Canadian dollars. Oh well, at least with money like that players won't be tempted to buy guns with which to accidentally shoot themselves, or face the unfortunate situation of owning so much land that they had no idea their cousins were running an illegal dog fighting ring. As opposed to a legal dogfighting ring sanctioned by the UDFC.
  • I don't even know why this even in the rule book; A quarterback is not allowed to play any position on defense. I don't know if the NFL has this rule or not, but I'm guessing they don't because NFL coaches know the difference between a quarterback and a cornerback. That's like making a rule that kickers can't be offensive linemen. If you put a QB on D, they'd probably end up just doing shit like this. Buy me some peanuts and crack back blocks. I don't care if he's severely injured.

No comments:

Post a Comment