Inglorious Basterds: An Unbiased Review

There are some artists in history who are revered for going against every conceivable "rule" to their art form. Artists like Picasso and Jimi Hendrix are shining examples of the great things that can happen when the norms of society are challenged. If only I could say the same thing for "the creator" of Inglorious Basterds. Quintin Tarantino simply tries too hard to break the mold, and the result is overly drawn out shots, dialogue that is so cryptic and enigmatic that it borders on pointless, and quirky gimmicks that are only in the movie to get the audience to think, "wow, I've never seen a director do that before, Quintin is a god damned genius! BRILLIANT!"

First off let me break down the plot for you. Contrary to what the previews would lead you to believe, this movie is by no means about Brad Pitt and an elite crew of badasses killing Nazis. Its about a young Jewish girl who escapes a rural farm house when her family is brutally murdered by the SS. She then takes over her aunts cinema, and when the Nazis decided to host a premier of a movie there, she decides to take revenge by burning the cinema down, thus killing all the high ranking members of the SS who are trapped inside. SPOILER ALERT!! My bad, that was supposed to come earlier.

My point is, when your main selling point for the movie is a shot of Brad Pitt saying, "We're in the Nazi killin' business. And Business is a boomin" its usually more than advisable to have at least 25 minutes of the movie devoted to Brad Pitt and his elite Jew Crew killing Nazis. I can hear you all whining already, "but alix, tehn where wood teh plot and karakter develupmint b?" Your point? This movie is not what the previews make it out to be at all. It is about the aforementioned Jew woman, and the plot about the Nazi killing badasses is just a minor subplot.

If it wasn't bad enough that we were outright lied to by the previews of this movie, Quintin Tarantinos feeble attempts at creativity flat out insulted my intelligence. Prepare for my description of Quintin's brilliant onscreen gimmicks; When the characters are talking in a different language such as French or German, he would sometimes have the subtitles be in the same language as the characters were talking!!! So when a French person would say "Oui", instead of the subtitle saying "yes", it would sometimes just say "oui"! If that doesn't win him the Oscars for Best Director, Best Picture, and Best Supporting Actor, then the Oscars are fixed by the mafia. Lets take an other look at some of Quintin's brilliant gimmicks throughout his illustrious show business career;
  • The Pulp Fiction "Don't Be a Square" scene where Uma Thurman draws a square with her fingers and a dotted line image of a square appears on screen. Classic.
  • Reservoir Dogs, a movie about a Jewel Heist that goes completely wrong, doesn't even have a Jewel Heist scene. Thats like a porn with all the sex scenes taken out. Or if you're religious and have never watched porn, its like the Bible with all the parts about Jesus taken out.
  • The Bruce Lee suit in Kill Bill. Its hard to not like a movie when the whole time all you can think about is, "OMFG thats the suit that Bruce Lee used to wear lolz"
  • The use of chapter title cards at the end of every major scene in most of his movies including this one. Good one!

The only reason Tarantino puts these things in all of his films is to beat it into our thick skulls that we are watching one of his epic cinematic masterpieces. There is absolutely no reason to have the screen go black with the words "Chapter #" after every major plot development. Usually the only time you would need chapter breaks are in books. Its like my film teacher from high school would always say to me and my cinematically immature friends when we would talk about how much we loved Pulp Fiction: "Quintin Tarantino is a masturbator, he only makes films to inflate his giant ego and remind his audience of who they were watching." How that makes him a masturbator I have no idea, but his point is still valid. Because lets face it. With a name like Quintin, you're going to be doing a lot of 'batin.

My recommendation for this movie is to wait until it comes out on DVD, fast forward to the scene (no, that's not plural) where they kill Nazis, then fast forward to the end where they burn down the theatre, and kill a bunch of Nazis, including Hitler. Yes Hitler. SPOILER ALERT!

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