My Letter to FreeCreditReport.com

Dear guy in the FreeCreditReport.com commercials,
I really hope that when I die there is no after life, because that way I won't have to deal with your wretched jingles involuntarily playing in the background of my thoughts anymore. Whenever I see one on T.V. the song is completely memorized in my head as if I had downloaded it off of iTunes, and plays in my head for hours until I hear another shitty song, usually by any current rapper.

Every one of your jingles are not just poorly written and sung off key, they are also mind numbingly annoying to the point where if I don't press the mute button on my remote within five seconds of your advertisements coming on, I have to call the local suicide hotline to keep me from taking my own life. Speaking of suicide, do you know how close I've come to forcing a drill into the side of my skull in order to get your commercials out of my head? Within millimeters, that's how close. Who the hell are you anyway?
The FreeCreditReport.com Guy! :) Pictures, Images and Photos
Yeah, that's what people wanna see when shopping for a "free" credit report. You look like a 29 year old University of Phoenix drop out who works at a FedEx Kinkos and spends his spare time collecting Star Wars memorabilia, reading books about computers, and getting caught by your mom jerking it to anime porn. You can't sing, you look like a someone who wouldn't be able to get into night clubs, and you have absolutely no business being on television, even PBS or NBC. I would bet everything I own that there is not a single person in America who has responded positively to your commercials and would bet the money I won from that on the fact that when people recognize you in public, they either ignore you, stare at you briefly but not say anything, or pelt you rocks. Hopefully, most of them pelt you with rocks.

I went on your bull shit company's website to see if it really was free, and as it turns out, this is a bigger lie than Bill Clinton's fellatio denial. You get a seven day trial period, and after that its 15 dollars a month. This site should be called freecreditreportforsevendaysthen15dollarsamonth.com. Probably the best part about this site is how as soon as you open up the link we get to be eye-raped by a cell phone quality picture of you in a cheap shirt and a thin tie with a hair style that says "Please don't hire me for this job, I get by fine mooching off my mom and selling my bodily fluids, except for my semen because no woman in her right mind would want to bare my offspring, God I suck.."

In conclusion, you are the worst person on T.V. and possibly the world, and I would rather watch a Survivor 4 hour marathon than any of your commercials for 10 seconds. And I fucking hate Survivor. If your company has even a tenth of a brain between the lot of them, they will realize just how much everyone hates you and immediately fire you. When this happens, hopefully for your sake FedEx will hire you back, your mom will still have room in her basement, and your anime porn D.V.D.s won't have any scratches on them. I actually hope none of these things happen and you end up homeless, jobless, and anime pornless. It would be a fitting end to your reign of terror and would be bitterly ironic, because homeless people have the worst credit ratings.

Burn in Hell forever,
Alex Waterman.


  1. sorry, I said you were doing good before, complete downhill now, not intriguing

  2. these commercials are awesome, you fail

  3. Hahaha! "Anime pornless." That's freaking hilarious. You made me pee a little.

  4. thank's for the feed back anon, but its actually a fact that this blog is very intriguing and if you don't agree then you just aren't very in tune with what good writing is. It also takes a real man's man to insult someone over the INTERNET anonymously.