Online Dating; Giving Losers Everywhere Something to do Between Porn Site Visits

So you're a thirty five year old guy who just got out of a bitter divorce, you lost both of your kids, and half of your belongings to a woman who once pledged her eternal love to you, only to end up ridiculing and demoralizing you every day the second you got back from your honey moon. You've put on weight and don't particularly care, because lets face, who are you trying to impress? Its not like you were having sex with your ex wife anyway. You know virtually zero women, apart from the ones at the office you work at who are all equally as miserable as you. You don't like meeting women in public places because the "bar scene" isn't your thing. At this point you have only one option. Online dating.

Online dating is to single people what rock bottom is to drug addicts. The absolute lowest of the low. In my opinion, its actually worse than prostitution. At least with prostitution you're not publicly humiliating yourself with a poor quality picture you took of yourself in the mirror and a description of yourself that makes you sound about as interesting as a Dave Mathews band song. For the sake of my amusement I've perused the archives a few dating sites over the years and have come to a conclusion about the people who use them. There are a few different types of online daters, and if you are an online dater yourself, see if you fit into any of these categories.

The cool guy. In this guys mind, he is god's gift to the world. The sun rises and sets over him, and the picture of him standing by his 99 Pontiac Grand Am and his pencil thin beard are testaments to this fact. He say's he isn't mainly concerned with looks, and really likes personality, but good looks are a plus, followed by a winking emoticon. This very statement is an obvious lie and he will do anything apart from actually going out and meeting women in person to get in their pants.

The craigslist BBW. I don't know what this craig guy's problem is. Worst list ever made since the movie Schindlers List. (it was made in the 90's and was filmed in black and white, fuck that) For all of you unfamiliar with what a BBW is, its a big beautiful woman, which may sound like an oxy moron but some guys are into that sort of thing. Guys who are fat but not so fat that they're blind firing when they take a leak. The saddest thing about these people is that they often proclaim that they are proud of their obesity in spite of the adverse health consequences it results in.

The 420 friendlies. These are basically major stoners who's main dealers have all been arrested and are trying to find someone slightly less attracted than them so they can leech free hits off of them. BBW 420 friendlies also try to squeeze a free trip to taco bell out of this situation.

Olds. People above the age of 50 who are either divorced, or haven't found that special someone. The latter of the two are the worst because their posts are usually dotted with phrases like, "my biological clock is ticking", "need to marry someone NOW" and the always popular, "but hey, my penis still works!"

The hot girl. If you are ever on a dating site, and an attractive woman wants to meet up with you, cut off all contact with her and contact the local authorities. This person is obviously a murderer posing as a woman who probably intends to kid nap you and harvest your organs for sale on the black market. There are no hot women on dating websites, and even if there are, there is invariably something very, very wrong with them.

Most dating websites like match.com charge an annual fee and claim to match you with other members based on an in depth survey that classifies who you are through some type of complex algorithm that can tell if two people will like each other or not. Finally, a computer program that matches me up with women who are like me. For those still waiting for the future, its here. From now on I'm not committing to a relationship with anyone unless we pass a compatibility test. Or better yet, I'll just hire a community college theater drop out to be my wife and act in the exact manner my personality test say's I should want her to.

That just about wraps it up, and if I've offended anyone, good. Maybe it'll inspire you to stop wasting money on dating websites and go out into the real world and meet people. Someone had to say it.


  1. Your stuff is getting a little better. Some of the first three paragraphs were pretty good, i cracked up on the BBW 420, that was awesome. the other parts were pretty accurate with describing Craigslist(R.I.P.) and match.com. Match.com and E-harmony claim to do an in depth calculation, when they're questions are as simple as "do you do drugs? how often? drink? smoke? skinny? fat? athletic? so on and so forth. Its all a gimmick to take the money from desperate and ignorant individuals. you shouldn't post a disclaimer on the bottom. Obviously you stand by what you say, or you wouldn't be writing about it. If people disagree with what you say, let them post it. Post a counter discussion thoroughly explaining the specifics of your argument. All in all, keep it up. Practice makes perfect. p.s. look into grammar classes :p

  2. Hilarious! I think you should start a dating profile and write about it just as a funny experiment.