Salvia; the Legal Alternative to Good Drugs

Ever since the 1990s, people figured out that if you smoked enough salvia, you could hallucinate violently and uncomfortably for about 15 minutes, followed by another 15 of saying "Why did i just pay fucking 93 bucks for three grams of this shit?". Here's how it works.

A lot of people are under the false impression that salvia makes you "high". This is balls-deep inaccurate, because a high is a euphoric, energized feeling, where as salvia is overwhelmingly terrifying at worst and a waste of time at best. Salvia works by cutting off signals sent by your five senses to the conscious part of your brain. You know what being conscious but not being able to sense anything is like? Being dead.

I'm not exactly sure how that last comparison makes any sense, but i am completely sure that it just blew your mind. Many who use this drug describe a complete detachment from their body within seconds of exhalation, with virtually no feeling of euphoria or joy, but rather fear and uneasiness, like the first time you operate a chainsaw. After the user is completely detached from reality, controlled movement becomes impossible, sounds blend with each other and echo, and your vision is replaced by Satan's face, staring at you and repeatedly telling you that "resistance is futile".

Salvia is easily the least pleasant drug, and is only legal because politicians think its hilarious that people will actually pay for such a terrible time. Salvia isn't like other hallucinogens where a good trip is dependent on your state of mind. On salvia, its actually chemically impossible to experience pleasure. There's also the persistent myth that salvia, and other hallucinogens provide some sort of spiritual release that things like church and circumcision rituals just can't provide.

A lot of you "spiritual but not religious" types probably consider this drug to be spiritually enlightening, and that using drugs like these takes you to the nexus of the universe or some crazy harry potter type shit like that. You are all completely wrong, and all you're really doing is disrupting the normal function of your brain. If you're going to do drugs, stay away from hallucinogens and stick to cool drugs like cocaine.

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