A Loose Recap of the VMAs

The VMAs is a yearly spectacle where all the musicians you listen to because they're on the radio get together and try to deliver poorly written jokes about the different nominees. It is the only three and a half hours out of the year where MTV show's anything even remotely relating to actual music, and this year it was hosted by musician Chelsea Handler. Oh wait, she's not a musician? No big deal, because her forced inappropriateness and self deprecating jokes about her promiscuity will make the general 15-25 year old demographic feel cool for liking her.

Now I'm not gonna lie, I didn't "technically" watch the whole thing. When I was done listening to the usual banter on Sports Center about how if Peyton Manning wants to be a good quarter back he needs to throw a lot of touch down passes, I saw some guy's status about how he was excited that he got to see the VMAs at six pm, when everyone else (the east coast) had to wait until nine. I insulted him about his lack of knowing how time zones worked, and decided that the VMAs would actually be somewhat entertaining.

I changed the channel and was not surprised at all to see Justin Bieber on stage singing. I couldn't really tell what song it was because of how loud all the little girls in the crowd screaming. It was a lot like the world cup vuvuzela situation, if the world cup was a contest to see how long you could go before you hit puberty. He ended with what has to have been the shittiest drum solo ever performed on stage everywhere, and as an experienced musician I can tell you that it was an extremely basic and fundamental drum exercise that six year olds who take lessons for three months can play. If you think that drum solo was good, here's Niel Peart.

After that some other shit happened and Usher came out and lip synced an entire two song set. Scratch that, he didn't even bother to lip sync. He just kind of danced around and did that slidy foot thing where its kind of like a sideways moon walk. If you're going to come out and half lip sync, at least don't insult our intelligence by wearing those headset microphones that aren't connected to anything.

Shortly there after, Eminem won an award, probably for least convincing sobriety attempt, but he was 2 cool 4 school to even be there so katy perry and some black chick just kind of made lame jokes. Went and made some steaks, came back and this obvious hermaphrodite had won like 5 awards, I think her name was lady gaga or something. More later if anything develops. oh yeah and this really cool techno dj named Dead Mow Five was there.

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