Sayings that Need Not be Said

No Offense/Don't take this personally/I'm not trying to be a dick, but...

It is a fundamental law of the universe that every statement that precedes this classic is going to cause some type of emotional distress to the recipient. Further more, the statement that comes after it is usually completely unnecessary or unwelcome such as "Your nose looks like balls." Society is under the false impression that uttering the words "no offense" is some type of magic spell that gives them the ability to say whatever they want without fear of hurting a person's feelings. News flash, magic spells don't exist.

"Fudge" in place of "Fuck".

Seriously, what are you, like, 12?

GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED!

At any point in time, there are a near infinite number of possible events that are able to occur. Rather than waste three seconds of my valuable time, how about you just tell me? The worst is when the "guess what" isn't indeed rhetorical, but the person actually expects you to make wild stabs at what might have happened in their miserable, insignificant life. The odds of me accurately predicting that your friend has had sex with the semi-good looking barista from Starbucks is 1/1 x 10^23.

Good Try.

Please, save your breath and save me the humiliation of verbally acknowledging my failure. If it really was a "good try" I would have been successful, wouldn't I? I'm all for constructive criticism, but this is easily the least genuine thing you can say to someone. Just let them wallow in their self pity, and hopefully next time they attempt whatever it is they just failed at things will go more favorably for them.

You're not going to believe this.

Unless you're about to tell me that time travel has been discovered, a solid object passed through another solid object uninterrupted, or that Lindsay Lohan has been sober for three days, I will probably believe you. There's a lot of believable events out there, and your friend having sex with the semi good-looking barista from Starbucks is one of them.

Everyone; Stop saying this shit.

Argumentative Debate: A Strategy Guide

Throughout your miserable, insignificant little life of yours you will find yourself in countless situations where you must prove to someone of opposing opinion that yours is in fact superior. These are called arguments, and in order to win these battles of wit and cunning it is highly important to remember these key concepts.

Whoever stops talking first, wins.

Due to an inherent unwillingness to change opinion int he human mind, there are almost no situations in real life where you will change an opponents mind and have them willingly admit it. The only way to plausibly win any argument in life, is to be the person who gets the last word in.

Example:

Person A: I feel that a flat tax favors the rich.

Person B: No it doesn't.

Person A: No seriously, if they have more money, they are obligated to pay more.

Person B: Well no, because like, the trickle down effect, and that they pay the mos... [Reagan era tax policy arguments for five straight minutes]

Person A: Whatever, I'm gonna go make a sandwich.

Person B: I win

Television personality Bill O'Reilly is notorious for not following this rule, as he always gives his guests he debates with "the last word". Hopefully he'll learn some day.

Utilize college vocabulary for entirety of argumentative debate.

Using this technique is key for sounding condescending, which will make your opponent feel unsure as to what you are saying, there for causing them to believe that the subject at hand is so far beyond their realm of comprehension, they should just give up.

Example

Person A: Global warming is a government hoax designed to get us behind new taxes.

Person B: There are several logical fallacies in your persuasive argument, the least of which being your low disregard for taxes. Scientists have been proving various hypotheses throughout many fort nights of work, all of which are indubitably indicative of an inverse relationship between human carbon dioxide emission...[Inconvenient Truth shit]

Person A: wow, the fact that you are using words with such high amounts of syllables in them really makes you sound believable. Maybe I SHOULD re-watch inconvenient truth and unquestioningly believe every single word of it.

See what person B did there? Rather than using normal words, he chose to use longer, less frequently used words to support his facts. "Dislike" becomes "low disregard", "ideas" becomes "hypotheses", and an otherwise mundane and pedestrian sounding piece of banter becomes an eloquent college worthy essay that makes Person A look like he went to high school in inner city Chicago.

Alcohol greatly increases your chance of winning an argument.

Because of alcohol's ability to lower your inhibitions, it allows you to speak more freely and formulate arguments more creatively. When under the influence of alcohol, you will also notice a new found passion for your opinions, and a more fluid and animated sense of gesticulation. Just be careful not to gesticulate too hard and spill your beer, PBR is expensive. Lets take a look at how a drunk Person A handles the debate on immigration with a sober Person B.

Person A: Really? How can you believe that the Arizona immigration bill is not racist?

Person B: BECAUSE ITS NOT RACIAL PROFILING IF THEY'RE ALL SPICS!

Person A: Let me get this straight. You think its not racist... because they're spics?

Person A: YOU DON'T KNOW! I WATCH THE NEWS! I HAVE A FIRM GRIP ON THINGS!

Person B: Why are you yelling? We're in an Applebees man.

Person A: APPLEBEES IS ALLLL SPICS.

Person B: [pays bill] I'm out of here, get your self a cab, you shouldn't drive.

Person A's arguments now has a fresh, controversial spin to it that is actually quite ironic in retrospect. This gives his debate a fresh sense of realness that may make others also question their racial motives and sensibilities.

In conclusion, I leave you with these tried and true methods, and wish you the best of luck in your life's meaningless quarrellings with people of differing politically engineered opinions.

When I show up to the max on bike, get the fuck out the way

This blog is dedicated to all you mother fuckers that ride the max at around five pm, and stand in my way while I try to hang my bike on the designated hook. I know not everyone can do their part to save the world from global warming like me, but I think the least you could do to show appreciation for my care for the environment is to step the fuck out the way when I try to get on the train.

As a person who has virtually zero C02 emissions, I am a shining example of society, should be held in a much higher regard than common Earth-killing motorists, so please, all I ask is that you max riders step out of the way so I can hang my bike up. The other day an elderly woman told me to get off and wait for the next train. I promptly looked her in the eye, gave a firm "no", and that bitch shut the fuck up real quick. Another time an urban gentleman told me that I was, "taking up a lot of space with that bike man" as he stood in the very area where I was supposed to place my bike.

Not being one to provoke confrontation, I gave him a stern look, glanced down and to the right at the sign that said something to the extent of "don't fucking stand here because its where people who care about the environment hang their bikes", and he immediately moved to another part of the train and sat the fuck down, like the little bitch he was.

In conclusion, as a cyclist I am a shining example of society, someone Al Gore should thank, and an overall upstanding citizen of Earth. The only reason I ride a bike is because of my undying love for the Planet Earth and it has nothing to do with the fact that I lost my license because of a DUI. So you're welcome, citizens of Earth. Because of me the Polar Ice Caps will be around that much longer.

Captain Planet out.

The Most Morbid Message Ever Delivered by a Movie

The 2004 Clint Eastwood masterpiece Million Dollar Baby, despite having a name that makes it sound like a movie about high-end adoption, won a staggering four Oscars, along with 45 other lesser awards. The movie details the life of Maggie Fitzgerald (Hillary Swank), a woman who becomes a professional boxer with the reluctant help of a near fossilized Clint Eastwood, who's dialog consists mostly of incoherent mumbling. The movie is great, until you realize the overall message of this movie.

If at any point in your life you should become a paraplegic, you should just... fucking kill yourself. Fitzgerald suffers a major spinal injury at the hands of a cheap shot after the bell had rung, and she spends the final hour of the movie trying to convince Eastwood to kill her.

Get off my lawn zipperhead...

I saw this movie senior year, in a writing class. The teacher also showed us the movie Mean Girls, probably just to show us that there was a time when Lindsay Lohan wasn't a crack whore. We were asked to write a journal entry on whether she was right for wanting to kill myself, and apparently half of my class was full of suicidal maniacs.

There were many arguments as to why she was correct, and the belief was widely held that Boxing was the only thing she had in her life, that she was totally right convincing Clint to commit murder and possibly spend the rest of his life in jail. You're right guys, no one has ever been a quadriplegic and gone on to lead a successful and rewarding life.

"Black holes and shit" -Stephen Hawking

Seta Kavianian

I will begin by saying that Seta is one of the greatest people in the entire world and one of few people whom I hold in high regard. She is objectively superior to her peers in the following ways. Her beauty radiates like the warm glow of the afternoon sun in midsummer and her pearl white teeth glisten like fresh snow when she smiles as my ever faster beating heart melts like a plastic tupperware lid in the microwave. It is my contention that without more people like Seta this world will quickly fall into a state of moral decay and general disarray.

Seta's razor sharp wit and no-holds-barred attitude is exactly what I look for in a person and it is in no way correct to describe her personality with words such as "fake" like so many anonymous formspring users mistakenly use. In conclusion, Seta is a shining example of humanity, a rare desert flower of beauty, (desert because she's Iranian), and is generally someone who is actually not wasting my oxygen and food supply by being alive.