When Will My Nightmares Stop?

I'll tell you when. They'll stop when they take vaginal cream commercials off the air. They are absolutely the most disgusting commercials on T.V. "That itch you can't scratch," "feminine odor," and who can forget, "vaginal discharge" or words no man should have to ever hear, ever. I think hearing a Vagisil commercial mid hookup would kill my mood almost as fast as her calling me by another mans name. (which has thankfully never happened, but Alex is a pretty common name so who knows) At the end of every Viagra commercial they actually tweaked it a bit and now say "If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, call your doctor or watch a Vagisil commercial" And really, do women really need commercials to point them to what cream they need when, for lack of better words, things are not going well down there? I think "Vagisil" is pretty obvious. The only women who aren't aware of Vagisl that I can think of are NASCAR fan wives, and I'm sure their husbands don't notice it because their own B.O., and the stench of leftover spaghettios in their kitchen covers it up.

What about men? Where's the Penisil? Or how about Testiclean? Soap works in the shower to get rid of the odor but doesn't offer protection after sports or other activities, and as me and a couple of my friends found out a couple years ago, AXE on the balls does nothing but cause short term pain. Us men need a product that protects us from that mood killing odor, and that itch we're not supposed to scratch but we do anyway. I would try an antiperspirant deodorant, but after the AXE incident you can understand why I would be hesitant. But anyway, Johnson and Johnson or Old Spice or whoever need to get on that.

Bank of America's Protection is as Effective as Pulling Out

The other day I had 23 dollars in my bank account because I'm poor and don't have a job. So I go out to eat. McDonald's, of course, because I'm poor and don't have a job. So that was 6 dollars gone. Another day passes and I feel like going to some place fancy; Panda Express. Another 8 dollars gone. The day after that I check my account to see if have enough for a Craigslist escort when I'm confronted with the red fonted -12.34. I was utterly perplexed. I've never been Stephen Hawking when it came to math, (although I can do spot on robot impression) but I was sure that 23 - 7 - 8 > -12.34. When I checked my list of charges to see where I had bought something for twenty dollars, I saw a 10 dollar "overdraft protection fee" followed by a 10 dollar account hold fee. It was the Irony of Ironies. Something that seemingly protects me from over drafting has caused me to do just that. It reminded me of how mobsters go in and fuck up store fronts so that the owner would pay them protection money. So I check the bank's website to see what overdraft protection is. I am not exaggerating, there were literally two sentences saying what it was, and another saying that it didn't cost any money. I haven't gone to the bank yet to confront them about this issue, but I'm guessing this is how its going to go.

Me "Excuse me, I have a small problem. I was arbitrarily charged 20 dollars from my account by your overdraft protection program, even though I had 8 dollars in my account.

Banker "Overdraft protection is a service to help you prevent returned checks and overdrafts on your checking account. With overdraft protection, available funds from your savings account, line of credit, or credit card are automatically transferred to your checking account if you should overdraw your account".

Me "Uhm... I know.. I read that verbatim from your companies website. I over drafted because of a charge I was never made aware of.

Banker "Actually (prints out my statement) the overdraft protection fee was applied before you you ate at Panda Express. I like your taste in fine dining by the way, and you have the prettiest eyes.

Me "BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE OVERDRAWN IF THAT CHARGE WAS NEVER MADE. I didn't come here to argue, just give me my 8 dollars back. I have a date with a woman I met on Craigslist and I'm running late."

Banker "I'm sorry corporate headquarters just released a memo not allowing us to give money back for banking errors. Please step away, as this line is only for customers who have money with the bank"

Me "You stole that last line from Southpark! You'll soon regret this. As soon as I get home I'm going to write a blog about this incident, and no ones going to want to do business with this bank ever again, because a lot of people read my blog."

Banker "Have a nice day! We hope to see you soon!"

Me "You will see me soon. Craigslist. Casual Encounters."

Man thats going to be awkward when it happens.

and to the ladies, I'm actually a wealthy business man, and none of this is actually true.

NASCAR Vs. Formula 1: An Unbiased Comparison

There are not enough words in the English language to adequately portray my utter hate for NASCAR. There is nothing worth watching about the "sport". And yet every year millions of McCain voters tune in and flock to NASCAR events, so they can see like, what, 80? cars lined up two by two driving around in a very fixed oval pattern 500 times. The cars weren't originally designed for racing. They're passenger sedans with faster engines, better tires, and doors that don't open up.

Not a lot of people know this, but NASCAR actually originated after the prohibition era when bootleggers who had to drive their regular cars at break neck speeds in order to evade the police decided they to start challenging each other to races on fixed courses. We may have our right to drink alcohol back, but there is nothing America can do now to reverse the naSCAR they've left on the face of this country

Now, time for an unbiased comparison of the American NASCAR and Formula 1, which is popular everywhere else in the world.

• Formula 1 drivers go at extreme speeds, sometimes upwards of 200mph around left AND right turns.
• NASCAR drivers go the same speed, around 150 mph, the whole time, in a circle.
• Formula 1 cars are specifically engineered for racing. Their technology is constantly evolving.
• NASCAR cars are based on 4 door sedans. They haven't really changed much.
• Formula 1 has a world wide fan base.
• NASCAR has a fan base consisting of Americans with wheels on their homes.

But don't take my word for it. Just watch this educational video

There really is no comparison. I'm not even an F1 fan, I just don't know why America doesn't get it together and abolish NASCAR and replace it with real racing. What's even worse is how NASCAR fans think that F1 fans are all snobs. No, they're not snobs. They just don't fly the confederate flag from their 85 bronco and wear Busch light t-shirts.

Hits and Hiphop stations: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

In Portland Oregon we have an incredibly unique radio station called 107.5. I'm sure there is no other station in the world quite like it. What they do is take the 5 most popular rap/r &b songs and play them in rotation, followed by twenty minutes of commercials, a few words from a DJ who doesn't actually pick which music to play, and then the same 5 songs again. Currently the four songs are Pitbull: Hotel room, Pitbull: I know you want me (half of the songs lyrics are in the title) Black Eyed Pees: I gotta feeling and, Fabolous: Throw it in the Bag(finally, a song about placing my miscellaneous items like my cell phone and wallet into a bag), and Drake: You the best. Even though the main purpose of creating these songs is to make money off of young impressionable teenagers by spoon feeding them "music" that some guy in a suit decided was marketable to teens and young adults, I still find some of them quite entertaining. But I can only hear the phrase "HO-TEL MO-TELL HOLIDAY INN" So many times in one hour. But I'd rather listen to their music for 20 hours strait than listen to their morning show for 10 minutes.

The show mainly consists of a young sounding guy who doesn't sound like he should be on the radio, one of those liberal women who thinks that way because everyone else does, and a guy who sounds like a younger, more coked out version of Lewis Black known only as "PK" who interrupts both of them every time they talk. He is a fast talking, loud mouthed, opinionated moron. Being opinionated is usually a good thing if you're a radio host, but its usually assumed you'll be able to back up your opinions. PK is the type of person who becomes visibly frustrated and offended when people disagree with him on even the most trivial matters. "What do you mean you don't like marinara sauce on spaghetti?! EVERYONE likes marinara sauce! Fuck this, I'm out of here." When PK shares one of his misguided opinions on his lame morning radio show, he presents them as absolute fact. And its not like his co hosts bring anything to the table either. The only analogy for this show I can think of is to picture three retarded people arguing over what happened at the end of the Lion King. But then again, this is a radio channel who's job is to spoon feed "music" to a target demographic that will invariably like whatever they play.

America's Pass Time Part Deuce

So anyway after 7th grade I began to despise baseball because I realized how dreadfully slow and uneventful it is. I know what you're thinking, "but alix, basball iz lik soo cool and teh shit!" You're argument is flawed in so many ways. Even back in the day it was better than it is now (which isn't saying much) and here's why.

This woman is currently the best baseball player in america. Seriously this guy looks like he listens to panic at the disco and has a myspace display name that says XxTIMxX {theFrEaK} HARDxCORE -linceCUM- What happened to the good old days when men played baseball like Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson? I'll tell you what happened. They started persecuting athletes who used (gasp) performance enhancing drugs.

I don't understand how its cheating if you're using naturally occurring substances in order to boost your performance in a way that is good for both your stats and the popularity of the sport. We humans are very different from any other being on this planet. We came to be without a warm covering of fur so we made clothes. Killing deer is too hard with our bare hands so we made guns. And we are naturally not strong enough to hit 70 home runs in a season, so we made steroids. Out of naturally occurring chemicals.

And don't get me started on the sheer insolence of our congress for indicting Roger Clemens and forcing him to testify in front of a congressional committee. Too late! I'm started! I think congress has bigger more important things to worry about like, I don't know, the war, the economy, and abolishing clove cigarettes. I don't think someone "cheating" at baseball should be much of a concern for them. Thats like the time in elementary school when I got called into the principals office for cheating at kickball. I was using a corked shoe, and to this day I maintain that I was accidentally wearing my kickball home run derby shoes. There is also still an asterisk next to my name on a trophy in the schools glass case where it says "Alex Waterman; Best Kickball Player Ever*" underneath a trophy of me holding a large sword.

This whole topic ultimately comes down to all you sportsmanship blow-hards (i am still using the term "blow-hard" in its literal definition) who feel that sports have become tainted by the use of performance enhancing drugs. You think that athletes who use steroids are Godless frauds who's crime of using steroids is worse than murder and rape combined. If athletes are so bad, maybe you just shouldn't watch sports. The way I see it, sports are now more fun and exciting to watch as a result, and as far as the long term health side effects, I really don't see why I should care. Hey, its not me jamming a needle into the fleshy part of my ass, and drastically shortening my life because I want my profession to be running around in a circle wearing a button down shirt and striped pants.