Precious Finally gets an Honest Review

I know that traditionally when a person writes a review for a movie, they usually watch it first. Well I think that's bull shit, and I believe I have more than enough information from trailers, clips, and second hand testimonials to form a solid opinion of this movie.

I don't just give this movie two thumbs way down, I would actually cut them off and throw them in a river if didn't need them to hitchhike. This movie is such an abortion of cinema that it actually makes me wish I lived in a thirdworld (I'm sorry, I meant devoloping) country like France where they don't have internet or tv, so I never would have even been exposed to the fact that this movie even exists. I would rather watch an actual abortion than this movie.

When I first saw the trailer, I thougt, "wow, are they really making  another free willy movie?" But upon further inspection I found it odd that a whale would be walking upright on land, because they usually live in the sea. I looked even closer and realized that it was in fact just a morbidly obesse black woman. "Morbidly obesse" is an understatement. Words like "grotesque abomination" or "so fat when she goes to the ocean the tide comes in" come to mind. She would be overweight even for an actual whale.

Never in the history of film has a fatter, uglier person been in a movie. This woman has more fat in her upper lip than I do in my entire body. this leads to a major plothole in the movie because her family is on welfare, (you know, because all blacks are on welfare) and the amount of money for the food required to make someone this fat would be in the thousands of trillions. Fortunately, they explained this away in a clip they showcased for the oscars. But be warned, if you thought the Trident commercial I exposed was racist, then get ready for something that would make even a KKK leader say, "come on, we're not that fucked up."

The scene I'm talking about involves Free Willy, I mean Precious, going into a restaurant, ordering a large bucket of fried chicken, stealing it, and some how running away, causing a 6.0 magnitude earthquake. A black woman stealing fried chicken. This would be like a mexican jumping the border in a low rider, or a jew using a coupon for a circumcision. Throw in the welfare, and you're killing three stereotypical birds with one racist stone.

Its a sad thing that these types of movies (I'm sorry, I meant films) actually exist. The underlying concept that makes these movies so appealing to the film snob community is that they appear to break social norms. Brokeback mountain was popular because it featured gay cowboys, Monster was critically acclaimed because it had a beautiful woman play an ugly person, and Copout was mildly succesful because it featured a black cop and a white cop working together, something that the world had never seen before. Precious was a hit because it was the first movie to ever have an all orca whale cast.

Don't watch Precious, unless you really like watching a fat black chick beating the shit out of her fatter, blacker daughter.

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