Why Your Relationship is Not like Romeo and Juliet's

Here are a few things you should ask yourself before comparing your relationship to the one Romeo and Juliet were in.

• Are each of your families in an ongoing violent feud with one another?
• Is your attraction to one another based on virtually nothing besides the fact that both families would disapprove of your relationship?
• Did you really just use that analogy? Seriously, its been used at least several billion times.
• If your partner was dead, would you kill yourself, knowing full well that they would want you to go on to live a fulfilling happy life?
• Exactly. Shut the fuck up.

Romeo and Juliet is one of those retarded stories that is inexplicably shoved down the throats of teenagers every year, despite the fact that doing so only makes them even more likely to smoke marijuana and drink alcohol. (Source: Everyone in high school did those things) The terrible part though, is that it was written like four hundred years ago and is presented to high school students in English class, even though its not even written in that language. Historians unanimously and inaccurately refer to it as "Early Modern English", but to me its still Old English, and the only time a high school student should have to deal with that is when he only has five dollars for beer/has a medical need to induce vomiting. Calling that language "Early Modern English" is like calling the Ford Model T an "Early Time Machine"

During my freshmen year of high school my English class read the play, and at least half the time spent in class each day was trying to figure out what the FUCK Romeo meant when he'd say things like "Doth art thou banished from thy depthest tempest of passionizing love." Rather than learning advance writing mechanics or practical hand to hand combat, we spent hour after hour translating a language no one has spoken in hundreds if not millions of years.

I like to think of William Shakespeare as the original M. Night Shyamalan (even though the current M. Night steals ideas from/makes movies about Nickelodean shows) because of his unexpected twist ending where Romeo and Juliet hilariously kill themselves on accident. For whatever reason, I was the only one in the class room who ever saw the comedic irony of the story. The saddest part about Romeo and Juliet, is that it means that four hundred years from now high school students will be reading the shittiest literature from our era: Twilight. More on that later though.