My Letter to FreeCreditReport.com

Dear guy in the FreeCreditReport.com commercials,

I really hope that when I die there is no after life, because that way I won't have to deal with your wretched jingles involuntarily playing in the background of my thoughts anymore. Whenever I see one on T.V. the song is completely memorized in my head as if I had downloaded it off of iTunes, and plays in my head for hours until I hear another shitty song, usually by any current rapper.

Every one of your jingles are not just poorly written and sung off key, they are also mind numbingly annoying to the point where if I don't press the mute button on my remote within five seconds of your advertisements coming on, I have to call the local suicide hotline to keep me from taking my own life. Speaking of suicide, do you know how close I've come to forcing a drill into the side of my skull in order to get your commercials out of my head? Within millimeters, that's how close. Who the hell are you anyway?

Yeah, that's what people wanna see when shopping for a "free" credit report. You look like a 29 year old University of Phoenix drop out who works at a FedEx Kinkos and spends his spare time collecting Star Wars memorabilia, reading books about computers, and getting caught by your mom jerking it to anime porn. You can't sing, you look like a someone who wouldn't be able to get into night clubs, and you have absolutely no business being on television, even PBS or NBC. I would bet everything I own that there is not a single person in America who has responded positively to your commercials and would bet the money I won from that on the fact that when people recognize you in public, they either ignore you, stare at you briefly but not say anything, or pelt you rocks. Hopefully, most of them pelt you with rocks.

I went on your bull shit company's website to see if it really was free, and as it turns out, this is a bigger lie than Bill Clinton's fellatio denial. You get a seven day trial period, and after that its 15 dollars a month. This site should be called freecreditreportforsevendaysthen15dollarsamonth.com. Probably the best part about this site is how as soon as you open up the link we get to be eye-raped by a cell phone quality picture of you in a cheap shirt and a thin tie with a hair style that says "Please don't hire me for this job, I get by fine mooching off my mom and selling my bodily fluids, except for my semen because no woman in her right mind would want to bare my offspring, God I suck.."

In conclusion, you are the worst person on T.V. and possibly the world, and I would rather watch a Survivor 4 hour marathon than any of your commercials for 10 seconds. And I fucking hate Survivor. If your company has even a tenth of a brain between the lot of them, they will realize just how much everyone hates you and immediately fire you. When this happens, hopefully for your sake FedEx will hire you back, your mom will still have room in her basement, and your anime porn D.V.D.s won't have any scratches on them. I actually hope none of these things happen and you end up homeless, jobless, and anime pornless. It would be a fitting end to your reign of terror and would be bitterly ironic, because homeless people have the worst credit ratings.

Burn in Hell forever,

Alex Waterman.

how to be a good rapper

have a lot of money, and rap about it. boom, now you're a mainstream rapper

Last Name Ever, First Name Dumbest, Middle Name Person

Is anyone else sick of mister I-was-on-a-Canadian-T.V.-Show-so-now-I-get-to-be-a-Rapper? I'm speaking of course, about current flavor of the month Drake. Yeah I'm a drake hater. And according to his lyrics, thanks to me he knows G4 pilots on a first name basis. Because nothing say's gangster like knowing people on a first name basis. Where does this guy get off claiming "nothing was done for him?" He was on Canada's biggest show EVER; Degrassi, which I know is Canada's biggest show ever because its the only one that was ever widely popular in America. I used to watch the show all the time, because quite frankly, teenagers in Canada also have hilarious accents! "Hey, I'm aboot to goo to the hockey game! oh no i got stabbed, drama!"

For those of you losers and social outcasts who have never seen the master piece that is Degrassi, here's a brief run down. Degrassi is a show about a high school in Canada, where every student is good looking and has never had acne, but they find themselves in a relatively high number of traumatic situation. Every character on Degrassi has been shot, raped, overdosed on drugs, committed manslaughter, became pregnant, contracted testicular cancer, or any combination of the aforementioned predicaments at least twice. As a black person, Drake was naturally given the role of the star athlete/aspiring rapper, who in an artistic turn events, was shot and became paralyzed in a later season. IRONIC. Although him being shot was a direct result of his stoner friend Spinner, he forgives him. Spinner, in a twist of fate shortly contracts testicular cancer as if by some act of karma. In dark comedic fashion, Spinner refers to his illness as "Ball Cancer". He is then stabbed five times while committing manslaughter and overdosing on marijuana.

But enough about scrotum based cancers, lets bring the point of emphasis back to the Drake. First of all, Drake isn't even his real name, its his middle name, and in my book you either go by your first name or your last. There is no in between. His real name Aubrey. Which when said, sounds suspiciously like the female name Audrey. More importantly though, Drake's main themes in is his song Forever are that he "started from nothing" "I did it without [a deal]" and using the word nigga even though he's obviously only half black. He first became famous through Myspace music, probably not using the the popularity from his show to attract site traffic. As a matter of fact, I'd be willing to bet his music would be popular even if he hadn't ever been on T.V. in the first place.

No seriously, I really do. With lyrics like, "If I'm up in the club you know I ball [pause] CHEMO!" rappers like T.I. and Lil Wayne (the other only reason he's popular) must be cowering in their jail cells worrying if people will still listen to their songs about how much money they have. All I can do now is hope against hope that this guy fades into obscurity like all the other Canadian T.V. star turned rappers. (Mark Wahlburg?) Hopefully this battle rap I've composed is enough to break his spirits enough to get him to cease all his music related actions at once.

Drakes a little bitch,

when he raps its a pain,

you did it without deal?

what about lil wayne?

He gave you 4 mill,

was that not a deal, drake?

do i need to find your escalade,

and disable you front brakes?

I will cut you down with my vicious fuckin rhymes,

put you in a wheel chair,

bitch,

for real this time.

dropping n bombs thinking "everbody knows me"

take a look in the mirror kid,

you're half black homie.

You know G4 pilots,

you know everyone's faces,

but your mom knows me

on a left nut basis.

You need to stop rapping,

because your never gonna stop me,

so go and take your half white ass

back to DEGRASSI.

I hope for his sake he doesn't read this because it will most likely drive him to suicide.

Online Dating; Giving Losers Everywhere Something to do Between Porn Site Visits

So you're a thirty five year old guy who just got out of a bitter divorce, you lost both of your kids, and half of your belongings to a woman who once pledged her eternal love to you, only to end up ridiculing and demoralizing you every day the second you got back from your honey moon. You've put on weight and don't particularly care, because lets face, who are you trying to impress? Its not like you were having sex with your ex wife anyway. You know virtually zero women, apart from the ones at the office you work at who are all equally as miserable as you. You don't like meeting women in public places because the "bar scene" isn't your thing. At this point you have only one option. Online dating.

Online dating is to single people what rock bottom is to drug addicts. The absolute lowest of the low. In my opinion, its actually worse than prostitution. At least with prostitution you're not publicly humiliating yourself with a poor quality picture you took of yourself in the mirror and a description of yourself that makes you sound about as interesting as a Dave Mathews band song. For the sake of my amusement I've perused the archives a few dating sites over the years and have come to a conclusion about the people who use them. There are a few different types of online daters, and if you are an online dater yourself, see if you fit into any of these categories.

The cool guy. In this guys mind, he is god's gift to the world. The sun rises and sets over him, and the picture of him standing by his 99 Pontiac Grand Am and his pencil thin beard are testaments to this fact. He say's he isn't mainly concerned with looks, and really likes personality, but good looks are a plus, followed by a winking emoticon. This very statement is an obvious lie and he will do anything apart from actually going out and meeting women in person to get in their pants.

The craigslist BBW. I don't know what this craig guy's problem is. Worst list ever made since the movie Schindlers List. (it was made in the 90's and was filmed in black and white, fuck that) For all of you unfamiliar with what a BBW is, its a big beautiful woman, which may sound like an oxy moron but some guys are into that sort of thing. Guys who are fat but not so fat that they're blind firing when they take a leak. The saddest thing about these people is that they often proclaim that they are proud of their obesity in spite of the adverse health consequences it results in.

The 420 friendlies. These are basically major stoners who's main dealers have all been arrested and are trying to find someone slightly less attracted than them so they can leech free hits off of them. BBW 420 friendlies also try to squeeze a free trip to taco bell out of this situation.

Olds. People above the age of 50 who are either divorced, or haven't found that special someone. The latter of the two are the worst because their posts are usually dotted with phrases like, "my biological clock is ticking", "need to marry someone NOW" and the always popular, "but hey, my penis still works!"

The hot girl. If you are ever on a dating site, and an attractive woman wants to meet up with you, cut off all contact with her and contact the local authorities. This person is obviously a murderer posing as a woman who probably intends to kid nap you and harvest your organs for sale on the black market. There are no hot women on dating websites, and even if there are, there is invariably something very, very wrong with them.

Most dating websites like match.com charge an annual fee and claim to match you with other members based on an in depth survey that classifies who you are through some type of complex algorithm that can tell if two people will like each other or not. Finally, a computer program that matches me up with women who are like me. For those still waiting for the future, its here. From now on I'm not committing to a relationship with anyone unless we pass a compatibility test. Or better yet, I'll just hire a community college theater drop out to be my wife and act in the exact manner my personality test say's I should want her to.

That just about wraps it up, and if I've offended anyone, good. Maybe it'll inspire you to stop wasting money on dating websites and go out into the real world and meet people. Someone had to say it.

Hey Trident, Shutup.

In case you're some type of mormon or something who isn't allowed to watch T.V., you've probably seen this new insulting, annoying, and racially intolerant trident commercial. If you haven't, here it is. But be careful, as it is very offensive

First of all, not only is the concept of paying a young women in gum a gross under compensation, it also completely invalidates the capitalist values our country has cherished since its birth. And what's more is the flagrant racism portrayed through out the commercial.

The Italian Chimney Sweep man; Because this man was so heavily caked in black coal I can hardly speculate on his actual race, but for the sake of civil rights I'm going to assume he is Italian. Although this is unforgivable enough, at least they didn't have him dressed in a pin stripe suit demanding trident gum in exchange for protection. (and by protection I mean him and his mafia buddies breaking all the store front windows twice a month)

The stereo typical black man working as a post office worker; Oh yeah, because black people are only good at working proletariat, labor orientated jobs. When was the last time you saw a black person advertising for a white collar company such as All State or Nike? Never, that's when. Why the reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are not up in arms about this is far beyond my realm of comprehension and shit.

The tired stereo type of an asian man working as a powerline worker; I don't even know why this stereo type exists in the first place. What's even more baffling is how trident thinks its ok to keep perpetuating it. Asians are just as likely to be powerline workers as every other race. All too often have I heard asian friends of mine being ridiculed by people saying things like, "haha, what are you, like some type of powerline worker?" or, "hey, were's your cherry picker? I think my transformers blown hahahahah!" Unbelievable.

The white man named mr. Jones; As a member of the white race, this one was particularly hard to deal with and probably the most personal. It seems like every where I go people refer to me as "Alex Jones". Not every white man is named Jones, Trident. We could be a Johnson, Stevenson, or even Smith. Where do you think the phrase "keeping up with the Joneses" came from? Racists, who assume that white people are the pinnacle of what a neighborhood dweller should be, and there for should be kept up with.

And that's Allstate's stand. What the hell is Trident's problem anyway? Gum was just fine before they decided to start laying different pieces on top of each other. If I wanted two different flavors of gum in my mouth I would just buy two differently flavored packs. That way if I just wanted one flavor, I wouldn't have my taste buds assaulted by both strawberry and citrus. Trident layers is basically a manage a toi going on my mouth. And that very concept offends me both as a Christian and a member of the Republican party. Sex should only be between a man and a women, not a man, a woman, and another woman. Ever, Period.

Its been said.

Midgets, Big World

When did it become politically incorrect to call a person of unusually small stature a midget? And further more, why are we so concerned about the feelings of a group of only 500,000 people in America who most of us could easily take in a one on one fight. There's actually a midgets rights group (because midgets still aren't allowed to do things like vote) that wants the F.C.C. to ban the word midget from all radio and television broadcasts. As we all know, calling someone a midget is the equivalent of calling a black guy the n word, a mexican the b word, or Kanye West someone who is not the winner of a major music award. Throughout history, the only purpose midgets have had is to entertain normal people, because for whatever reason, people find that a disease that makes you small and physically inferior to regular people is just side-splittingly hilarious.

Perhaps the most famous midget in the history of the universe is mini me from the Austin Powers saga. Audiences across America could do little to control their boisterous laughter as this 3 foot something bald man ran around making high pitched noises and kicking people in the nads. He then continued his illustrious show business career by appearing on one of those "celebrity" reality shows, where he frequently embarrassed himself by having way too much to drink. He's probably dead now or something. I don't know. And by "celebrity" I mean anyone who's ever had fifteen minutes of fame or less. Over the past few years though, midgets have embarked on an epic crusade to show that they are some how just like us people of regular stature . And of course, hilarity ensued.

It seems that America just can't get enough midgets living their everyday lives. How can one resist the excitement of a show that details the boring, shallow existence of a group of midgets who live on a farm in Oregon? You know what would be even more interesting? Staring at a brick wall for an hour. I couldn't believe it when I was doing my research earlier and found out that this show is still on the air. With the attention span of people these days I'm surprised it even lasted 4 episodes. People must still just be utterly perplexed that midgets do things that we do; going to school, working, paying taxes, and getting injured in bizarre pumpkin catapult accidents. We still must not have shaken the longstanding myth that midgets live in trees and spend their lives making cookies and performing strange mating rituals.

A couple of the kids are actually of normal height, and why they listen to anything their parents have to say is far beyond my realm of comprehension. If my parents were midgets I would tell them to stop acting like they can tell me what to do or I would use them to play basketball. I'm not saying I have anything against midgets. I'm just against some douche bag TLC producer making millions by exploiting people who have spent their lives overcoming a tragic, humiliating disease. And that I would use midgets to play basketball. Now that'd be a good show.

An Addict's Tragic, Depraved Story

My name is Alex Waterman. And I have recently overcome one of the biggest obstacles in my life. I did a lot of deceitful things, hurt a lot of people, and most of all, lost who I am entirely. I am speaking of course, about my mental and physical addiction to the facebook game known as Farmville.

The whole ordeal began about three months ago, when F started hitting the streets of the internet. At first it was isolated to small rural communities, thrilled at the fact that someone was making a game about hard working Americans, rather than a game about having sex with hookers and then murdering them afterwards. But in less than a few weeks people from the suburbs and cities started playing it, tantalized by a quick, rewarding high in the form of fake money and fictional farm labor experience.

Farmville is a simple enough game. You play the role of a farmer with fully customizable clothes, gender, and controversially, race. Too many times have I heard someone say, "check it out, my black farmer is growing watermelon and cotton!" Despicable. Your goal is to make as much money as you can by planting crops, milking cows, collecting nuts from trees, and other various farm related economic endeavors. The harvest times directly mimic that of real life: Short term crops like strawberries take about 4 hours until you can harvest them, and more long term crops like wheat can take up to three days.

There are two types of currency; Coins which are given during a harvest and spent on basic farm items, and farm cash given in small amounts over long periods of time to buy things like artistically colored barns and fuel for tractors. Sadly enough real money can be exchanged for either of these forms of false, valueless currency. Fortunately I never sunk so low as to actually spend my real money on farm cash. Probably because I don't really have any. I hit a much different rock bottom.

My addiction to F started as most addictions do; Peer pressure. A couple of girls who I thought were my friends, already lost in a F addicted haze, began persistently sending 'gifts' to me, free farm items that could be kept and utilized, or sold for a small profit. I denied every one of these gifts, and my reaction to the games concept was like anyone elses:

"WHO IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MIND WOULD PLAY SOME PIECE OF SHIT GAME WHERE THEY PRETEND TO BE SOME STUPID ASS FARMER! I MIGHT AS WELL PLAY A GAME CALLED "FACTORY MANAGER MAYHEM" OR "711 OWNER X-TREME!" This concept was obviously so idiotic to me that it caused me a deep sense of rage, no different to the time I heard they were making a show similar to the Bachelor, but with plus sized women and a guy who is into that sort of thing. (I was mad because I wasn't the guy)

But they wouldn't let up. It was like being in a vice grip of peer pressure. I decided I would just do it once, to see what its like, and then never do it again. Before I even realized it, I was completely hooked. Spending countless hours each day plowing, planting, and harvesting. Spending what felt like an eternity at my chalk board trying to balance my secret farmville equation to maximize my profits. I planned every day around farmville. Having to leave parties early, cutting short visits with friends, and I even missed my own wedding. Any time some one would catch me at my computer I would quickly exit the window and lie by telling them I was just looking at internet porn.

My mom eventually kicked me out, sending me to live with my Dad in rural Forest Grove, where we have no internet connection. But this did not stop me. Every day I made the 2 1/2 mile trek to the local library, where I had no more than an hour to do my business. Every day my dad was under the false impression that I was out trying to find a job. one hour, of course, was never enough. I can not even try to estimate all the money I spent and sexual favors I had to do in the library bathroom to acquire more internet time.

I am truly blessed though, because my friends and family eventually stepped in and gave me a formal intervention. I was clean for about 3 days, but I escaped and was found in a downtown library crying over my entire 20x20 plot of grapes that had been wilted for some time. After this, I decided the only thing to do was to hand cuff myself to my bed for five days strait, and let the physical withdrawal symptoms of nausea, vomiting, body shakes, and possibly death run their course. I was either going to live the rest of my life F Free, or I wasn't going to live. Period

Things Girls my Age Need to Stop Saying

There are a lot of phrases that have come to be in the past few years that I've heard girls say so many times that I want to drive a fork into my ear drum every time I hear them. These are sayings that reflect the very stupidity and shallowness of our civilization, and need to not be said ever again by anyone.

"I know, right?" One of the more recent annoying phrases to enter their vocabulary. When I hear this I think two things 1. This women agrees with what I am saying and is asking if I agree. 2. Why would she need to know if I agree with something I literally just stated.

"You would!" Yes, I know I would. That's why I did it. Although I am glad you are capable of recognizing an action that is completely in line with my character, keep it to yourself.

The Shortening of Certain Words Precious becomes "presh", hilarious becomes, "hilar", and me being attracted to you for your looks and personality is shortened to me being attracted to you for your looks. Just say the god damned word.

"Bomb!" (adjective) Whenever I hear this gem of American slang I wonder to myself if they've ever caused the threat level to be raised by saying "Oh my gah, that's so BOMB!" on a crowded air plane. Bomb is not an adjective, its a noun. And please explain to me how a bomb is associated with things you like? Bombs were invented to destroy things and kill people. What you are really saying is "I like this because it reminds me of something that explodes and kills people".

"Dank" (in reference to something other than marijuana potency) I can't think of a better way to make people think I smoke weed on a regular basis then by referring to everything I like as Dank. (When I'm not calling it bomb, of course). Any time you say something like, "Taco Bell is so dank!" what you are really saying is "Taco Bell has a high THC potency!" Which it doesn't.

I'm sure I could think of more but I think my points been made. If you're one of the many women who use these overused fads of language and are offended, then you probably shouldn't have read this.

To all the Asians Killing Whales and Dolphins:

Keep up the good work.

Hippies: An In Depth Analysis

We are all familiar with the hippie, or the Homosapius, Liberalous as they are called in the scientific community, but I feel that there has never been any truly groundbreaking research done on the different species. In this article, I will attempt to describe each kind and their distinct characteristics.

Woodstock Hippies:

Height: 5,1 - 6,3

Weight: 130-200 lbs.

Uniform: Long, unwashed hair, tye dye, bare feet, Native American jewelry, naked.

Occupation: None

Source of Income: Various odd jobs, pan handling.

These are the original hippies. They came into existence in the 1960's in San Francisco in response to America's involvement in the Vietnam War. Their theory was that if enough of them got together in large groups, used copious amounts of marijuana and acid, and came up with clever slogans such as "make love not war" the U.S. would withdraw its troops from Asia and end the war. Although their views were noble, it was hard for mainstream Americans (squares) to accept their alternative lifestyles.

Activist Hippies

Height: 4,9 - 6,11

weight: under 150 lbs.

Uniform: Black rimmed glasses, wool beanie, hybrid with witty bumper sticker.

Occupation: None

Source of income: Wealthy Parent's trust fund.

Activist hippies generally live in large west coast cities such as San Francisco or Seattle, and enjoy activities such as protesting companies that make money, donating money to ACORN, and letting everyone know how they aren't as in tune with things as they are. They spend hours preaching about how big corporations are greedy and are destroying America, as they sip their Starbucks frappuccino and blog about how we had 9/11 coming on their mac book pros.

Environmentalist Hippies

Height: 3,4

Weight: 100 lbs (due to lack of spine)

Uniform: Hemp hat, Hemp shirt, Birkenstock sandals, 100% fair trade denim jeans.

Occupation: volunteer/none

Source of income: Unknown

Easily the most volatile and hateful species of homosapius liberalus. In their minds, they are soldiers of the Earth marching against the evil human race who is doing nothing but conspiring to destroy it by driving cars and using electricity. Can be seen outside of book stores all across America with petitions to ban the use of all fossil fuels and electricity. They believe humans are 150% responsible for global warming, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

These are only a few of the major types, and there are countless variations and sub groups among each of these. If you are one of these people, and you were offended by this blog, you should probably show it to all you're hippie friends so they can see what a hateful, ignorant person I am for not being one of you guys. I actually happen to have a lot of liberal views, I'm just not a total dick about them like some people.