Midgets, Big World

When did it become politically incorrect to call a person of unusually small stature a midget? And further more, why are we so concerned about the feelings of a group of only 500,000 people in America who most of us could easily take in a one on one fight. There's actually a midgets rights group (because midgets still aren't allowed to do things like vote) that wants the F.C.C. to ban the word midget from all radio and television broadcasts. As we all know, calling someone a midget is the equivalent of calling a black guy the n word, a mexican the b word, or Kanye West someone who is not the winner of a major music award. Throughout history, the only purpose midgets have had is to entertain normal people, because for whatever reason, people find that a disease that makes you small and physically inferior to regular people is just side-splittingly hilarious.

Perhaps the most famous midget in the history of the universe is mini me from the Austin Powers saga. Audiences across America could do little to control their boisterous laughter as this 3 foot something bald man ran around making high pitched noises and kicking people in the nads. He then continued his illustrious show business career by appearing on one of those "celebrity" reality shows, where he frequently embarrassed himself by having way too much to drink. He's probably dead now or something. I don't know. And by "celebrity" I mean anyone who's ever had fifteen minutes of fame or less. Over the past few years though, midgets have embarked on an epic crusade to show that they are some how just like us people of regular stature . And of course, hilarity ensued.

It seems that America just can't get enough midgets living their everyday lives. How can one resist the excitement of a show that details the boring, shallow existence of a group of midgets who live on a farm in Oregon? You know what would be even more interesting? Staring at a brick wall for an hour. I couldn't believe it when I was doing my research earlier and found out that this show is still on the air. With the attention span of people these days I'm surprised it even lasted 4 episodes. People must still just be utterly perplexed that midgets do things that we do; going to school, working, paying taxes, and getting injured in bizarre pumpkin catapult accidents. We still must not have shaken the longstanding myth that midgets live in trees and spend their lives making cookies and performing strange mating rituals.

A couple of the kids are actually of normal height, and why they listen to anything their parents have to say is far beyond my realm of comprehension. If my parents were midgets I would tell them to stop acting like they can tell me what to do or I would use them to play basketball. I'm not saying I have anything against midgets. I'm just against some douche bag TLC producer making millions by exploiting people who have spent their lives overcoming a tragic, humiliating disease. And that I would use midgets to play basketball. Now that'd be a good show.

An Addict's Tragic, Depraved Story

My name is Alex Waterman. And I have recently overcome one of the biggest obstacles in my life. I did a lot of deceitful things, hurt a lot of people, and most of all, lost who I am entirely. I am speaking of course, about my mental and physical addiction to the facebook game known as Farmville.

The whole ordeal began about three months ago, when F started hitting the streets of the internet. At first it was isolated to small rural communities, thrilled at the fact that someone was making a game about hard working Americans, rather than a game about having sex with hookers and then murdering them afterwards. But in less than a few weeks people from the suburbs and cities started playing it, tantalized by a quick, rewarding high in the form of fake money and fictional farm labor experience.

Farmville is a simple enough game. You play the role of a farmer with fully customizable clothes, gender, and controversially, race. Too many times have I heard someone say, "check it out, my black farmer is growing watermelon and cotton!" Despicable. Your goal is to make as much money as you can by planting crops, milking cows, collecting nuts from trees, and other various farm related economic endeavors. The harvest times directly mimic that of real life: Short term crops like strawberries take about 4 hours until you can harvest them, and more long term crops like wheat can take up to three days.

There are two types of currency; Coins which are given during a harvest and spent on basic farm items, and farm cash given in small amounts over long periods of time to buy things like artistically colored barns and fuel for tractors. Sadly enough real money can be exchanged for either of these forms of false, valueless currency. Fortunately I never sunk so low as to actually spend my real money on farm cash. Probably because I don't really have any. I hit a much different rock bottom.

My addiction to F started as most addictions do; Peer pressure. A couple of girls who I thought were my friends, already lost in a F addicted haze, began persistently sending 'gifts' to me, free farm items that could be kept and utilized, or sold for a small profit. I denied every one of these gifts, and my reaction to the games concept was like anyone elses:

"WHO IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MIND WOULD PLAY SOME PIECE OF SHIT GAME WHERE THEY PRETEND TO BE SOME STUPID ASS FARMER! I MIGHT AS WELL PLAY A GAME CALLED "FACTORY MANAGER MAYHEM" OR "711 OWNER X-TREME!" This concept was obviously so idiotic to me that it caused me a deep sense of rage, no different to the time I heard they were making a show similar to the Bachelor, but with plus sized women and a guy who is into that sort of thing. (I was mad because I wasn't the guy)

But they wouldn't let up. It was like being in a vice grip of peer pressure. I decided I would just do it once, to see what its like, and then never do it again. Before I even realized it, I was completely hooked. Spending countless hours each day plowing, planting, and harvesting. Spending what felt like an eternity at my chalk board trying to balance my secret farmville equation to maximize my profits. I planned every day around farmville. Having to leave parties early, cutting short visits with friends, and I even missed my own wedding. Any time some one would catch me at my computer I would quickly exit the window and lie by telling them I was just looking at internet porn.

My mom eventually kicked me out, sending me to live with my Dad in rural Forest Grove, where we have no internet connection. But this did not stop me. Every day I made the 2 1/2 mile trek to the local library, where I had no more than an hour to do my business. Every day my dad was under the false impression that I was out trying to find a job. one hour, of course, was never enough. I can not even try to estimate all the money I spent and sexual favors I had to do in the library bathroom to acquire more internet time.

I am truly blessed though, because my friends and family eventually stepped in and gave me a formal intervention. I was clean for about 3 days, but I escaped and was found in a downtown library crying over my entire 20x20 plot of grapes that had been wilted for some time. After this, I decided the only thing to do was to hand cuff myself to my bed for five days strait, and let the physical withdrawal symptoms of nausea, vomiting, body shakes, and possibly death run their course. I was either going to live the rest of my life F Free, or I wasn't going to live. Period

Things Girls my Age Need to Stop Saying

There are a lot of phrases that have come to be in the past few years that I've heard girls say so many times that I want to drive a fork into my ear drum every time I hear them. These are sayings that reflect the very stupidity and shallowness of our civilization, and need to not be said ever again by anyone.

"I know, right?" One of the more recent annoying phrases to enter their vocabulary. When I hear this I think two things 1. This women agrees with what I am saying and is asking if I agree. 2. Why would she need to know if I agree with something I literally just stated.

"You would!" Yes, I know I would. That's why I did it. Although I am glad you are capable of recognizing an action that is completely in line with my character, keep it to yourself.

The Shortening of Certain Words Precious becomes "presh", hilarious becomes, "hilar", and me being attracted to you for your looks and personality is shortened to me being attracted to you for your looks. Just say the god damned word.

"Bomb!" (adjective) Whenever I hear this gem of American slang I wonder to myself if they've ever caused the threat level to be raised by saying "Oh my gah, that's so BOMB!" on a crowded air plane. Bomb is not an adjective, its a noun. And please explain to me how a bomb is associated with things you like? Bombs were invented to destroy things and kill people. What you are really saying is "I like this because it reminds me of something that explodes and kills people".

"Dank" (in reference to something other than marijuana potency) I can't think of a better way to make people think I smoke weed on a regular basis then by referring to everything I like as Dank. (When I'm not calling it bomb, of course). Any time you say something like, "Taco Bell is so dank!" what you are really saying is "Taco Bell has a high THC potency!" Which it doesn't.

I'm sure I could think of more but I think my points been made. If you're one of the many women who use these overused fads of language and are offended, then you probably shouldn't have read this.

To all the Asians Killing Whales and Dolphins:

Keep up the good work.

Hippies: An In Depth Analysis

We are all familiar with the hippie, or the Homosapius, Liberalous as they are called in the scientific community, but I feel that there has never been any truly groundbreaking research done on the different species. In this article, I will attempt to describe each kind and their distinct characteristics.

Woodstock Hippies:

Height: 5,1 - 6,3

Weight: 130-200 lbs.

Uniform: Long, unwashed hair, tye dye, bare feet, Native American jewelry, naked.

Occupation: None

Source of Income: Various odd jobs, pan handling.

These are the original hippies. They came into existence in the 1960's in San Francisco in response to America's involvement in the Vietnam War. Their theory was that if enough of them got together in large groups, used copious amounts of marijuana and acid, and came up with clever slogans such as "make love not war" the U.S. would withdraw its troops from Asia and end the war. Although their views were noble, it was hard for mainstream Americans (squares) to accept their alternative lifestyles.

Activist Hippies

Height: 4,9 - 6,11

weight: under 150 lbs.

Uniform: Black rimmed glasses, wool beanie, hybrid with witty bumper sticker.

Occupation: None

Source of income: Wealthy Parent's trust fund.

Activist hippies generally live in large west coast cities such as San Francisco or Seattle, and enjoy activities such as protesting companies that make money, donating money to ACORN, and letting everyone know how they aren't as in tune with things as they are. They spend hours preaching about how big corporations are greedy and are destroying America, as they sip their Starbucks frappuccino and blog about how we had 9/11 coming on their mac book pros.

Environmentalist Hippies

Height: 3,4

Weight: 100 lbs (due to lack of spine)

Uniform: Hemp hat, Hemp shirt, Birkenstock sandals, 100% fair trade denim jeans.

Occupation: volunteer/none

Source of income: Unknown

Easily the most volatile and hateful species of homosapius liberalus. In their minds, they are soldiers of the Earth marching against the evil human race who is doing nothing but conspiring to destroy it by driving cars and using electricity. Can be seen outside of book stores all across America with petitions to ban the use of all fossil fuels and electricity. They believe humans are 150% responsible for global warming, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

These are only a few of the major types, and there are countless variations and sub groups among each of these. If you are one of these people, and you were offended by this blog, you should probably show it to all you're hippie friends so they can see what a hateful, ignorant person I am for not being one of you guys. I actually happen to have a lot of liberal views, I'm just not a total dick about them like some people.