New Jersey and Oregon: The youre-too-stupid-to-pump-your-own-gas states.

There are a lot of stupid laws in this country, (drug laws, obscenity regulations, the Geneva Conventions) but the mandatory full service gas stations in New Jersey and Oregon offends me both as a citizen of Oregon and as a former citizen of Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania being one of only 48 states in America where you are allowed to pump your own gas.

What Oregon and New Jersey law makers are saying to us every year they don't repeal this patronizing law is, "awww I'm sorry, only trained professionals are allowed to do that. Besides, it creates jobs and is much more convenient for you". Thanks, legislators. I was afraid I would have to have to get out of my car, stand next to it for thirty seconds, and then walk inside and pay for my fuel.

And who can forget the backbone of our economy;hard working gas station attendants? I know having them around causes our state to consistently have the highest gas prices in the nation, but where else are alcoholic-meth-addict-NASCAR fans supposed to work? I only know one cool guy who pumps gas, and the only reason he works there is because its a rock solid front for all the drugs he sells.

But my favorite part about this awesome law is how people from New Jersey and Oregon think its the crrrazzziest thing ever to actually do it your god damned self. When I lived in Pennsylvania you'd always see a couple of I-talians from New Jersey saying "hey maria, check it out, i'm a pumpin a mine a own a gas a! take a pictcha!" And here in Oregon, I ask some one about their trip to Seattle and they're aww struck; "yeah it was nuts, we had to like, pump our own gas" me. "yeah that's always weird. so did you go to the space nee-" "WE PUMPED OUR OWN FUCKING GAS" cool story bro.

I've actually talked to people who like the fact that we have this law and don't mind the hundreds of extra dollars they pay for gas because they like the convenience. Then again, these are the same people who's parents buy them brand new cars while theyre in high school, and don't expect them to have part time jobs. Unlike me where I was given a car from 2003, and was expected to at least be looking for a part time job. Then I got a DUI and wrecked it and now I don't have it anymore. oh well, the world keeps turning and the Hood River Distillery keeps on making cheap vodka.

Jig until your heart stops beating.

I dont Mean to Sound Sexist or Anything...

But why in the name of Sylvester Stallone is there a woman on Sportscenter?

So I'm perusing the usual channels and all my usual options had been depleted. 2 and a half men, Seinfeld, and family guy were all off the air. Being that my mom is too cheap to buy HBO, R-Rated porn is not an option either. So I figure I'll give the old ESPN a shot, because thats what men do, we watch sports. I'm not usually one to watch sports highlight shows unless there's a major crash in the world of NASCAR, because i hate NASCAR, NASCAR FANS, anything to do with NASCAR, and seeing one of their drivers fly through the air in a flaming ball of metal is one of the only things that can put a smile on my face these days. but anyway, back to sports center.

I was about to give up and go upstairs and use the computer to continue my research on tachyon particles and the role they play in Einsteins theory of relativity, when I see that sports center is on (as usual). I figured I'd give it a shot, and prayed that they would be talking about something other than how everyone who plays in the MLB does steroids or Brett Favres idle retirement threats. Not only was I wrong on both counts, but I was confronted with a WOMAN SPORTS ANCHOR. This made no sense to me. I thought I had been transported to a different dimensions where things were all backwards. I had to make sure everything was normal; the sky was still blue, I called the whitehouse and asked if Obama was still president, and got out the magnifying glass to see if my ding ding dong was still there. Everything was the same, and it looked as though there really was a woman on sportscenter

Its not that I'm sexist or anything, i just don't see why there should be a woman on a show that talks about men's sports 99% of the time. And besides, you don't see men on shows like the View, Oprah, or Dr. Phil.

I was actually quite surprised. Usually when I watch sports with women they have no idea whats going on and can't even grasp simple sports concepts like the four down system, penalty shootouts, or the triangle offense.

I think it would be fine to have a show that just talks about women sports, and there could be woman sportscasters on that show. But alas, women sports continue to go disrespected and unseen, and a show like that would have worse ratings then King of Queens. (the show with the guy from Paul Blart: Mall Cop, gross). Until the make such a show, I refuse to watch sports center at 9 am, and any late night repeats because a woman telling me about sports is like a woman showing me how to shoot a gun. Fuck that shit, its hella immasculating. I really need to start drinking before I write these, like the old days.

Commercials on T.V.- the bane of my existence

I know this pretty much goes without saying, but T.V. commercials make me want to stab myself in the eyes with a hot knife and light my ears on fire with gasoline. They used to appear at a pretty tolerable rate, but these days for every five minutes of program you watch you can expect to be bombarded by at least eight minutes of relentless, shallow advertising. And every commercial seems to follow the same underlying theme: "if you don't buy our shit, people who do have it will be better than you".

I have a deep burning resentment for the current state of America and for all the backstabbing politicians who made it that way. My hostility is further strengthened when i hear patronizing commercials saying the e-word. "in these economic times most of us can't afford even basic things like 2 week vacations in Italy and 2,000 dollar a night hookers, so you should switch to All State". Thanks All State, for reminding us all that our country's economy is in worse shape than Rosie O'Donnell

The boner pill commercials at least attempt to bring some sense of humor to the world of television with their second grade level erection innuendo. "Check out smiling Bob! He's dressed as a 'chubby' Santa! He's got a 'sack' full of pride! He takes Enyzte so he can get a 'boner". Classic

Do I have a facial rash?

No. But apparently the last person to post a blog on this computer was wondering that same thing, because it was the first suggested entry when went to put a subject line. I don't think it was my mom or my sister, because they're faces appear to be rash free. anyway, we should be looking for Osama in Pakistan.