Hippies: An In Depth Analysis

We are all familiar with the hippie, or the Homosapius, Liberalous as they are called in the scientific community, but I feel that there has never been any truly groundbreaking research done on the different species. In this article, I will attempt to describe each kind and their distinct characteristics.

Woodstock Hippies:

Height: 5,1 - 6,3

Weight: 130-200 lbs.

Uniform: Long, unwashed hair, tye dye, bare feet, Native American jewelry, naked.

Occupation: None

Source of Income: Various odd jobs, pan handling.

These are the original hippies. They came into existence in the 1960's in San Francisco in response to America's involvement in the Vietnam War. Their theory was that if enough of them got together in large groups, used copious amounts of marijuana and acid, and came up with clever slogans such as "make love not war" the U.S. would withdraw its troops from Asia and end the war. Although their views were noble, it was hard for mainstream Americans (squares) to accept their alternative lifestyles.

Activist Hippies

Height: 4,9 - 6,11

weight: under 150 lbs.

Uniform: Black rimmed glasses, wool beanie, hybrid with witty bumper sticker.

Occupation: None

Source of income: Wealthy Parent's trust fund.

Activist hippies generally live in large west coast cities such as San Francisco or Seattle, and enjoy activities such as protesting companies that make money, donating money to ACORN, and letting everyone know how they aren't as in tune with things as they are. They spend hours preaching about how big corporations are greedy and are destroying America, as they sip their Starbucks frappuccino and blog about how we had 9/11 coming on their mac book pros.

Environmentalist Hippies

Height: 3,4

Weight: 100 lbs (due to lack of spine)

Uniform: Hemp hat, Hemp shirt, Birkenstock sandals, 100% fair trade denim jeans.

Occupation: volunteer/none

Source of income: Unknown

Easily the most volatile and hateful species of homosapius liberalus. In their minds, they are soldiers of the Earth marching against the evil human race who is doing nothing but conspiring to destroy it by driving cars and using electricity. Can be seen outside of book stores all across America with petitions to ban the use of all fossil fuels and electricity. They believe humans are 150% responsible for global warming, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

These are only a few of the major types, and there are countless variations and sub groups among each of these. If you are one of these people, and you were offended by this blog, you should probably show it to all you're hippie friends so they can see what a hateful, ignorant person I am for not being one of you guys. I actually happen to have a lot of liberal views, I'm just not a total dick about them like some people.