2012 Cataclysmically Reviewed

Source: I have my fucking sources...

First and foremost, I'd like to say fuck you to every person involved in the making of this movie. Mainly to the writers, directors, John Cusack, and most of all to the little girl who screamed the entire fucking time.

The premise of the movie is simple enough; the world is going to end, and the Mayans, along with many other primitive civilizations, saw it coming. The disasters are brought about by neutrinos--small subatomic particles emitted by the sun--mutating. You know, because subatomic particles can mutate. The neutrinos ultimately end up completely a-raping the earth's tectonic plate and volcanic systems by heating them up. The Mayans knew all about it all thanks to their advanced knowledge of the sun's solar flare cycles, plate tectonic theory, quantum physics, and location of every volcano on earth. All of these elements play a crucial role in conveying the deep underlying theme of the movie; people will watch any movie with a high special effects budgets.

John Cusack responds to this by saving his incredibly annoying family from several disasters by mere inches, and its made incredibly awkward because he is separated from his wife and her boyfriend comes with them and ultimately ends up dying near the end. *SPOILER ALERT*. Every scene involving John Cusack provides an important role in the story progression; they are setups for the special effects sequences.

Aside from this main plot there are about seventeen other subplots that eventually end up relating to each other at some point in the movie. This is entirely original, and has never been done before in a movie, especially not Pulp Fiction. These subplots include things like a conspiracy theorist who saw the whole thing coming, a black jazz musician who falls off the wagon after twenty five years, and a wealthy Russian man and his prostitute wife.

The other co-main-plot, if there is such a thing, involves an intrepid geographical researcher who figures out that the end of the world is coming. His findings of course, are initially dismissed and mocked. This has never been done before in a movie, especially not in the movie The Day After Tomorrow. All these plots and subplots are incredibly interesting, and this would be a respectable film on its own right regardless of its ten-times-the-GDP-of-most-third-world-countries special effects budget.

Just kidding. The entire purpose of this movie is to dazzle audiences with special effects. The plot of this movie is less important than the plot to most pornos. The special effects alone would be reason enough to watch this movie if they had excluded one character from this movie; the seven year old daughter.

I can deal with a plot that has less science in it than the Creationist Museum, low rate actors trying to salvage what's left of their career, and dialog that wouldn't make the grade for a PBS sitcom, but the daughter of this movie makes it completely unwatchable. As stated before, this annoying little bitch screams the whole fucking time. And its not just a soft, short cry of distress, its a piercing shrill that is louder than anything currently happening on screen. For example, her screams are heard over Yellowstone Park exploding, skyscrapers in LA crumbling down, and oh yeah, the entire city of LA falling into the ocean.

I can't possibly convey how much I hate this child. I think the Chinese were really on to something when they decided to start aborting all females. Too bad the whole country's a fascist sausage fest now, kind of like Germany in the forty's. Except that was with real sausages, not cocks. Oh by the way, the president in this movie is foreign and black, just like in real life.

For those of you how are financially or religiously restricted from viewing this movie, I made a convenient short novelization of this movie at my latest blog