Rejected Apology Speeches I Wrote for Various Celebrities

Tiger Woods: Sex Scandal

Dear nation. My actions in the past years have been regrettable at best and reprehensible at worst. Never in my life have I been so ashamed of myself. I could have done so much better. The women I've slept with recently have been generally from the bottom rung of society. Waitresses, strippers, stripper-waitresses, and any other combination there of. I am sorry I set my sights so low, and in the future will aim higher. Strippers? Really? I'm the highest paid athlete in the world, I should be having orgies with virgin Victoria's Secret models.

On another note, it has been rumored that I have a sex addiction. No shit, I'm a man, we're all addicted to sex. That's how we reproduce. If we weren't addicted to sex we'd be extinct in less time it takes for Perez Hilton make a casual comment that points out his homosexuality. I will not be checking into a sex rehab, because frankly, that very concept is a scam and I hear you aren't even allowed to masturbate when you are in those places, and I just don't think that's fair to anyone. I hope you will all forgive me, but I say that without sincerity because I am already a multi millionaire, and quite frankly, your opinions of me no longer matter.

Mark McGuire, Steroids.

I'm sorry, America. I let you all down. I'm sorry I hit all those home runs, breaking numerous records. I regret the countless hours of joy and entertainment I brought you by hitting a ball and then running around in a circle. To my sponsors, please accept my sincerest apology for all money I made you. Technically I'm the only person who was ever remotely adversely affected by steroid use, so really, the only person I have to apologize to is myself. Sorry, Mark.

Courtney Love

Sorry I drove Curt Cobain to suicide, and for existing.

Michael Phelps, Narcotics Incident.

What I did was inexcusable. I am a terrible, terrible person. I can only pay to the Christian God and Jesus Christ that my family, sponsors, and most importantly, the American people, will forgive me for using a substance that temporarily makes things funny. I would not like to apologize to Wheaties though, because seriously, nobody eats cereal that isn't primarily sugar. Its like eating hay. Fuck you, Wheaties.

Obviously this incident was much worse than the time I was caught driving drunk, so I'd also like to point out that I'm sorry for exposing how ignorant the media is for thinking that using marijuana is worse than driving drunk, which can actually result in a person's death. The biggest issue however, is that this whole event has fundamentally proved that a person is capable of being a hugely successful athlete while also being a pot smoker, and for that, please accept my deepest apologies.