Every Horoscope EVER

As a person who was born during this time of year, the giant spheres of hydrogen millions of light years away (stars) effect your life in the following manner;

You are a very outgoing person, but can be shy at times. People think you are funny some times, especially those you are close with! You are generally happy, but are sad at times, you get along with some people, but not with others, and you are generally polite, but can be rude at times. If your parents had done it at some other point during the year, your personality would be completely different, but still very easy to predict. You know, because the position of the stars in the sky has a lot to do with who you are.

In your personal life you have a lot of acquaintences, but only a few close friends. You have had a few really close relationships, and it is important to work on them! Yay! You have a job, or don't, and on your spare time you enjoy doing things like activities.

Your physical characteristics consist of a head, two arms, and two legs, unless you are some type of amputee. You find it necessary to shower and brush your teeth frequently, unless you are a hippie, which you may or may not be.

Isnt it crazy how accurate horoscopes are? I litterally just described ever imaginable detail about your life, personality, and even physical appearance down to a T. With pin point accuracy like this, its no wonder why americans spend millions of dollars a year on horoscopes and constantly use "whats your sign" as an opener when trying to sleep with strangers at bars.

Every time someone who believes in astrology there are inevitably a couple things that match their personality, and it is these small, insignificant, vague pieces of information that keep them hooked on this ancient lie.

Lets look at Astrology's origins. Atsrology is the worlds first religion, and was concieved when humans first learned how to track the stars across the night sky. Rather than share this information with the people the astronomers decided to keep this information to themselves so they could control people by knowing which days certain constellations would be out and how long the days would be, making them appear to be prophets. These people were looked at as wizards by the people who thought that stars had no predictable pattern of movement. Bunch of fuckin idiots, huh?

So congratulations, people who believe in astrology, you believe in a religion that was contribed thousands of years ago by people who figured out when the big dipper would be around, and why it was darker in the winter.

By the way ladies, im a Scorpio, and we have the best sex, according to your star worship at least.