Tiger Woods: Sex Scandal
Dear nation. My actions in the past years have been regrettable at best and reprehensible at worst. Never in my life have I been so ashamed of myself. I could have done so much better. The women I've slept with recently have been generally from the bottom rung of society. Waitresses, strippers, stripper-waitresses, and any other combination there of. I am sorry I set my sights so low, and in the future will aim higher. Strippers? Really? I'm the highest paid athlete in the world, I should be having orgies with virgin Victoria's Secret models.
On another note, it has been rumored that I have a sex addiction. No shit, I'm a man, we're all addicted to sex. That's how we reproduce. If we weren't addicted to sex we'd be extinct in less time it takes for Perez Hilton make a casual comment that points out his homosexuality. I will not be checking into a sex rehab, because frankly, that very concept is a scam and I hear you aren't even allowed to masturbate when you are in those places, and I just don't think that's fair to anyone. I hope you will all forgive me, but I say that without sincerity because I am already a multi millionaire, and quite frankly, your opinions of me no longer matter.
Mark McGuire, Steroids.
I'm sorry, America. I let you all down. I'm sorry I hit all those home runs, breaking numerous records. I regret the countless hours of joy and entertainment I brought you by hitting a ball and then running around in a circle. To my sponsors, please accept my sincerest apology for all money I made you. Technically I'm the only person who was ever remotely adversely affected by steroid use, so really, the only person I have to apologize to is myself. Sorry, Mark.
Courtney Love
Sorry I drove Curt Cobain to suicide, and for existing.
Michael Phelps, Narcotics Incident.
What I did was inexcusable. I am a terrible, terrible person. I can only pay to the Christian God and Jesus Christ that my family, sponsors, and most importantly, the American people, will forgive me for using a substance that temporarily makes things funny. I would not like to apologize to Wheaties though, because seriously, nobody eats cereal that isn't primarily sugar. Its like eating hay. Fuck you, Wheaties.
Obviously this incident was much worse than the time I was caught driving drunk, so I'd also like to point out that I'm sorry for exposing how ignorant the media is for thinking that using marijuana is worse than driving drunk, which can actually result in a person's death. The biggest issue however, is that this whole event has fundamentally proved that a person is capable of being a hugely successful athlete while also being a pot smoker, and for that, please accept my deepest apologies.
3.15.2010
I Hope Fireflies Become Extinct
Today at work my ears were raped. In the break room at my place of employment a radio was playing one of those clean top 40 hits stations that mothers play in their hybrid minivans so their 12 year old obese son doesn't have to be exposed to the evils of swear words. They played the usual modern day noise that the mainstream thinks is music, but then they played a song that made me envy deaf people; Fireflies, by Owl City.
For those of you fortunate enough to have some how never heard this song, its subject matter consists primarily of hugging insects, learning how to dance from said insects, disco balls, and crying. I know exactly what you're thinking, women sing about this type of stuff all the time, right? Wrong. This song is sung entirely by someone who appears to be a man.
There is no excuse for this type of behavior from a male musician. I've forgiven all the bands that write songs about their feelings for women so that they could bang a bunch of them when they go on tour, but I have no idea what Owl City is trying to accomplish with this feminine hygiene product of a song. Its almost as if they are making an honest effort to convey their emotions.
Society has recently been on a crusade to completely shatter the gender roles that evolution has provided. Women are trying to be more like men, and men are trying to be more like women, and its making people look like fucking idiots. Gone are the days of men drinking beer, watching sports, and getting in fist fights over seemingly trivial matters, and here are the days of apple martinis, 3D Disney movies, and talking about our problems. Leading psychologists agree, if you are a man its best to keep your emotions bottled up inside, and not bother anyone with them, becase quite frankly, they don't matter.
The male race is slowly metamorphasizing into a horde of pathetic middle school girls who sing about counting sheep and spooning with bugs. I'm surprised men are still even born with penises. I used to be a firm believer in freedom of speech, but when abortions of music like this are on the air, I'm not so sure anymore. I feel like my ears now have A.I.D.S.
For those of you fortunate enough to have some how never heard this song, its subject matter consists primarily of hugging insects, learning how to dance from said insects, disco balls, and crying. I know exactly what you're thinking, women sing about this type of stuff all the time, right? Wrong. This song is sung entirely by someone who appears to be a man.
There is no excuse for this type of behavior from a male musician. I've forgiven all the bands that write songs about their feelings for women so that they could bang a bunch of them when they go on tour, but I have no idea what Owl City is trying to accomplish with this feminine hygiene product of a song. Its almost as if they are making an honest effort to convey their emotions.
Society has recently been on a crusade to completely shatter the gender roles that evolution has provided. Women are trying to be more like men, and men are trying to be more like women, and its making people look like fucking idiots. Gone are the days of men drinking beer, watching sports, and getting in fist fights over seemingly trivial matters, and here are the days of apple martinis, 3D Disney movies, and talking about our problems. Leading psychologists agree, if you are a man its best to keep your emotions bottled up inside, and not bother anyone with them, becase quite frankly, they don't matter.
The male race is slowly metamorphasizing into a horde of pathetic middle school girls who sing about counting sheep and spooning with bugs. I'm surprised men are still even born with penises. I used to be a firm believer in freedom of speech, but when abortions of music like this are on the air, I'm not so sure anymore. I feel like my ears now have A.I.D.S.
3.01.2010
GET A ROPE. GET A TREE. HAAANG THAT REFEREE
Every referee, in every sport, at every level, is a pathological idiot. Whether it be a volunteer team dad reffing his seven year old son's baseball game to a Norwegian bald man officiating a World Cup soccer match that decides the advancement of either Ireland or France, this is an axiom that reigns true 100 percent of the time. Allow me to explain.
Referees are humans, and humans make errors. Errors that can cost a team a championship. Errors that can crush an entire countries hope of defeating a world powerhouse. Errors that are apparent to everyone in the world on national television, but still stand. Well to quote Aristotle, I say "fuck that with a tire iron"
I have two propositions for eliminating this fallacy. The first is simple enough. If a referee makes a game changing error in judgement in the final two minutes of regular play that decisively causes a victory, or commits a net total of five obvious errors favoring one team over the course of the game, the game is replayed, and the referee is replaced. Stay with me, because the second idea is a lot more exciting.
All that needs be said, is robot referees. Its only logical. Most of the jobs in the past decade have been replaced by them. I can't remember the last time a real person gave me my bank account balance, which is nice because its humiliating, and cars have had a more solid, streamlined feel ever since the robotic assembly line. (Some of them can even accelerate on their own!) The adult entertainment industry is also taking advantage of a robot's emotional/religious indifference to various sex acts, not that I would have any experience in that matter of course.
Sensors are now small enough now that they could easily be placed in a players equipment and balls (the ones used for sports, what are you, like twelve?) making it certain exactly what's happening on the field. Human referees will still play a role in verifying more subjective things such as flagrant fouls, flops, and whether or not Ron Artest is about to commit aggravated assault again. Their secondary purpose will be to make sure that the robots don't become self aware, enslave the human race, and ultimately kill us all. God, I am so funny, no one has ever made a Terminator reference when talking about robots before.
Id just like to say "you're welcome" in advance to the NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, the Olympics, and FIFA. To the WNBA all I can say to you is "referees were definitely not you're biggest problem."
Referees are humans, and humans make errors. Errors that can cost a team a championship. Errors that can crush an entire countries hope of defeating a world powerhouse. Errors that are apparent to everyone in the world on national television, but still stand. Well to quote Aristotle, I say "fuck that with a tire iron"
I have two propositions for eliminating this fallacy. The first is simple enough. If a referee makes a game changing error in judgement in the final two minutes of regular play that decisively causes a victory, or commits a net total of five obvious errors favoring one team over the course of the game, the game is replayed, and the referee is replaced. Stay with me, because the second idea is a lot more exciting.
All that needs be said, is robot referees. Its only logical. Most of the jobs in the past decade have been replaced by them. I can't remember the last time a real person gave me my bank account balance, which is nice because its humiliating, and cars have had a more solid, streamlined feel ever since the robotic assembly line. (Some of them can even accelerate on their own!) The adult entertainment industry is also taking advantage of a robot's emotional/religious indifference to various sex acts, not that I would have any experience in that matter of course.
Sensors are now small enough now that they could easily be placed in a players equipment and balls (the ones used for sports, what are you, like twelve?) making it certain exactly what's happening on the field. Human referees will still play a role in verifying more subjective things such as flagrant fouls, flops, and whether or not Ron Artest is about to commit aggravated assault again. Their secondary purpose will be to make sure that the robots don't become self aware, enslave the human race, and ultimately kill us all. God, I am so funny, no one has ever made a Terminator reference when talking about robots before.
Id just like to say "you're welcome" in advance to the NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, the Olympics, and FIFA. To the WNBA all I can say to you is "referees were definitely not you're biggest problem."
2.22.2010
Homeopathic Medicine; Debunked with Extreme Prejudice
Homeopathy is the pseudo medicinal practice of taking a traditional medication, and literally watering it down until so few molecules of the original solution are left in the new "homeopathic remedy" that it would literally be proportional to a single grain of salt in the entire ocean. In most cases, no original molecules are even present at all. The belief is that some how, the water remembers the original substance and takes on its healing properties of the original medication, without the side effects like minor headache, upset stomach, and curing the particular ailment. If reading the previous sentences was some how not enough to convince you that homeopathy is about as real as Paris Hilton's personality, then please, continue reading.
Homeopathy might seem plausible to a free spirited, open minded (gullible) person at first, unless you take into account one fundamental fact: the water on this earth has been around for hundreds of thousands of years, and technically, its base elements have been around since the creation of the universe. Water has there for already been into contact with millions of substances.
If water truly did take on the characteristics of chemicals it had been into contact with, you would be drinking just about every substance known to man. From the fecal matter, urine, and used condoms in our sewage systems, to the water used to cool nuclear fuel rods in power plants. Homeopaths; how does it feel to know that you are drinking nuclear-semen-poop-tampons? Exactly. Shutup.
If you believe in homeopathy, and happen to also be a germaphobe, this piece of information might drive you to suicide. Please note; suicidal germaphobes should not read the previous paragraph.
Newer homeopathic practitioners are taking it to a new level of trickery; doing things like writing down a cure and putting it in a patients coat pocket, claiming that their mental will alone somehow fixes their illness. Even old school homeopaths call bull shit on this, probably because its taking their business. If thinking about something was enough to make it happen, I would have three aston martins, a house with an olympic sized pool and trampoline, and a polygamous marriage to Jessica Alba, Chelsea Handler, and the black chick from the movie Precious, just to be ironic. Have a nice day.
Homeopathy might seem plausible to a free spirited, open minded (gullible) person at first, unless you take into account one fundamental fact: the water on this earth has been around for hundreds of thousands of years, and technically, its base elements have been around since the creation of the universe. Water has there for already been into contact with millions of substances.
If water truly did take on the characteristics of chemicals it had been into contact with, you would be drinking just about every substance known to man. From the fecal matter, urine, and used condoms in our sewage systems, to the water used to cool nuclear fuel rods in power plants. Homeopaths; how does it feel to know that you are drinking nuclear-semen-poop-tampons? Exactly. Shutup.
If you believe in homeopathy, and happen to also be a germaphobe, this piece of information might drive you to suicide. Please note; suicidal germaphobes should not read the previous paragraph.
Newer homeopathic practitioners are taking it to a new level of trickery; doing things like writing down a cure and putting it in a patients coat pocket, claiming that their mental will alone somehow fixes their illness. Even old school homeopaths call bull shit on this, probably because its taking their business. If thinking about something was enough to make it happen, I would have three aston martins, a house with an olympic sized pool and trampoline, and a polygamous marriage to Jessica Alba, Chelsea Handler, and the black chick from the movie Precious, just to be ironic. Have a nice day.
2.14.2010
PETA vs. The NFL; Surprisingly NOT About Dogs this Time
PETA is an overzealous group of lunatics that suffer from the delusion that animals have rights. Nothing will end their tirade against normal human eating habits, but one of their many ongoing endeavours makes me so angry that I literally sweat my own blood.
PETA is on a crusade to change the name of the Green Bay Packers. Contemplate that for a few moments and try and see their point. You don't? That's probably because you are one of the millions of americans who has never worked in a butcher shop. Butcher shop employees who pack meat (haha) are sometimes reffered to as "packers". Let's break down their argument here.
The "people" for the ethical treatment of animals, have some how come to the brilliant conclusion that the very name "packers", a reference to a legitamate proffession, some how hinders the ethical treatment of animals. Peta has offered an alternative title, which is sure to catch on because as we are all well aware, vegetarians and animal rights activists make up a major portion of the NFL's fanbase, and heavily influence their decisions.
They have proposed to change their name to the Six Packers, maintaining that it celebrates the areas local brewing culture. Eating animals for their protein content is a sin, but drinking a beverage that's soul purpose is to make ugly women look semi doable, and to make sad people really happy, and then even more sad when they wake up is going to be perfectly fine with society. Parents also will likely have little opposition. Well, maybe just the Mormom ones.
During my research for this article, I have come full circle and now realize that they are completely correct about animals being equal to, if not greater than humans. I also realize that the Packers name is about as insensitive, if not more insensitive than the n, w, or k words. Since PETA already has their hands full with things like the living conditions of lab mice and non endangered baby seals, I am proposing my own new subdivision of PETA dedicated to un-ignorizing the world of sports.
This new subdivision of peta I propose will be called PENIS, People for Ethical Naming In Sports. The naming of sports team that glorify the slaughter of innocent animals is ever present, and here is a list of teams I feel personally uncomfortable with and replacements I feel to be perfect compromises despite the fact that I am one of maybe seven people in the world that actually cares about things like this.
The Phillies. This name conjours up images of the Phillie Cheese Steak, which adds insult to injury as a cow's remains are covered in a melted, more viscous version of the nutrient liquid it once enjoyed as a calf (cheese). Possible name change; the Shotglass Phillers, celebrating Philadelphias longtime love of taking shots of grain alcohol.
The Clippers: this is obviously in reference to the clippers that are used to trim the wool off of sheeps, who are forced to live in poor conditions, such as fenced pastures or barns. if they had human emotions, they would probably not like it at all. Possible change; the Clappers, which celebrates what LA does everytime they score, and also ackgknowledges the LA area's higher than average STD rate, a direct result of its higher than average binge drinking rate.
Any team named after Native Americans. Although they care for the environment much more than their anglosaxon conquerers, they have been portrayed as devoued hunters. They try and justify this by claiming that they use every part of the animal. Well how about this, Squanto, if I killed your mom, and used every part of her, would that make it any better? No, it wouldn't, and I don't see how that sitiuation is any different. Possible name change; anything that celebrates the Native Americans geneticly inherent intollerance of alcohol. The Braves can be the Atlanta Lightweights, the Redskins can be the Washington Freshmen, and the Indians can be the Cleveland Staggerers.
These name changes are non-negotiable. Don't take our threats lightly. So long as we don't die prematurely of calcium or protein deffincies, we will continue to fight the injustices of insensitive sports team naming. Remember, dietary habits should not be a choice, and humans are not carnivours, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Fact: for every animal a peta member doesn't eat, the average American eats 36 in a given year
PETA is on a crusade to change the name of the Green Bay Packers. Contemplate that for a few moments and try and see their point. You don't? That's probably because you are one of the millions of americans who has never worked in a butcher shop. Butcher shop employees who pack meat (haha) are sometimes reffered to as "packers". Let's break down their argument here.
The "people" for the ethical treatment of animals, have some how come to the brilliant conclusion that the very name "packers", a reference to a legitamate proffession, some how hinders the ethical treatment of animals. Peta has offered an alternative title, which is sure to catch on because as we are all well aware, vegetarians and animal rights activists make up a major portion of the NFL's fanbase, and heavily influence their decisions.
They have proposed to change their name to the Six Packers, maintaining that it celebrates the areas local brewing culture. Eating animals for their protein content is a sin, but drinking a beverage that's soul purpose is to make ugly women look semi doable, and to make sad people really happy, and then even more sad when they wake up is going to be perfectly fine with society. Parents also will likely have little opposition. Well, maybe just the Mormom ones.
During my research for this article, I have come full circle and now realize that they are completely correct about animals being equal to, if not greater than humans. I also realize that the Packers name is about as insensitive, if not more insensitive than the n, w, or k words. Since PETA already has their hands full with things like the living conditions of lab mice and non endangered baby seals, I am proposing my own new subdivision of PETA dedicated to un-ignorizing the world of sports.
This new subdivision of peta I propose will be called PENIS, People for Ethical Naming In Sports. The naming of sports team that glorify the slaughter of innocent animals is ever present, and here is a list of teams I feel personally uncomfortable with and replacements I feel to be perfect compromises despite the fact that I am one of maybe seven people in the world that actually cares about things like this.
The Phillies. This name conjours up images of the Phillie Cheese Steak, which adds insult to injury as a cow's remains are covered in a melted, more viscous version of the nutrient liquid it once enjoyed as a calf (cheese). Possible name change; the Shotglass Phillers, celebrating Philadelphias longtime love of taking shots of grain alcohol.
The Clippers: this is obviously in reference to the clippers that are used to trim the wool off of sheeps, who are forced to live in poor conditions, such as fenced pastures or barns. if they had human emotions, they would probably not like it at all. Possible change; the Clappers, which celebrates what LA does everytime they score, and also ackgknowledges the LA area's higher than average STD rate, a direct result of its higher than average binge drinking rate.
Any team named after Native Americans. Although they care for the environment much more than their anglosaxon conquerers, they have been portrayed as devoued hunters. They try and justify this by claiming that they use every part of the animal. Well how about this, Squanto, if I killed your mom, and used every part of her, would that make it any better? No, it wouldn't, and I don't see how that sitiuation is any different. Possible name change; anything that celebrates the Native Americans geneticly inherent intollerance of alcohol. The Braves can be the Atlanta Lightweights, the Redskins can be the Washington Freshmen, and the Indians can be the Cleveland Staggerers.
These name changes are non-negotiable. Don't take our threats lightly. So long as we don't die prematurely of calcium or protein deffincies, we will continue to fight the injustices of insensitive sports team naming. Remember, dietary habits should not be a choice, and humans are not carnivours, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Fact: for every animal a peta member doesn't eat, the average American eats 36 in a given year
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