PETA vs. The NFL; Surprisingly NOT About Dogs this Time

PETA is an overzealous group of lunatics that suffer from the delusion that animals have rights. Nothing will end their tirade against normal human eating habits, but one of their many ongoing endeavours makes me so angry that I literally sweat my own blood.

PETA is on a crusade to change the name of the Green Bay Packers. Contemplate that for a few moments and try and see their point. You don't? That's probably because you are one of the millions of americans who has never worked in a butcher shop. Butcher shop employees who pack meat (haha) are sometimes reffered to as "packers". Let's break down their argument here.

The "people" for the ethical treatment of animals, have some how come to the brilliant conclusion that the very name "packers", a reference to a legitamate proffession, some how hinders the ethical treatment of animals. Peta has offered an alternative title, which is sure to catch on because as we are all well aware, vegetarians and animal rights activists make up a major portion of the NFL's fanbase, and heavily influence their decisions.

They have proposed to change their name to the Six Packers, maintaining that it celebrates the areas local brewing culture. Eating animals for their protein content is a sin, but drinking a beverage that's soul purpose is to make ugly women look semi doable, and to make sad people really happy, and then even more sad when they wake up is going to be perfectly fine with society. Parents also will likely have little opposition. Well, maybe just the Mormom ones.

During my research for this article, I have come full circle and now realize that they are completely correct about animals being equal to, if not greater than humans. I also realize that the Packers name is about as insensitive, if not more insensitive than the n, w, or k words. Since PETA already has their hands full with things like the living conditions of lab mice and non endangered baby seals, I am proposing my own new subdivision of PETA dedicated to un-ignorizing the world of sports.

This new subdivision of peta I propose will be called PENIS, People for Ethical Naming In Sports. The naming of sports team that glorify the slaughter of innocent animals is ever present, and here is a list of teams I feel personally uncomfortable with and replacements I feel to be perfect compromises despite the fact that I am one of maybe seven people in the world that actually cares about things like this.

The Phillies. This name conjours up images of the Phillie Cheese Steak, which adds insult to injury as a cow's remains are covered in a melted, more viscous version of the nutrient liquid it once enjoyed as a calf (cheese). Possible name change; the Shotglass Phillers, celebrating Philadelphias longtime love of taking shots of grain alcohol.

The Clippers: this is obviously in reference to the clippers that are used to trim the wool off of sheeps, who are forced to live in poor conditions, such as fenced pastures or barns. if they had human emotions, they would probably not like it at all. Possible change; the Clappers, which celebrates what LA does everytime they score, and also ackgknowledges the LA area's higher than average STD rate, a direct result of its higher than average binge drinking rate.

Any team named after Native Americans. Although they care for the environment much more than their anglosaxon conquerers, they have been portrayed as devoued hunters. They try and justify this by claiming that they use every part of the animal. Well how about this, Squanto, if I killed your mom, and used every part of her, would that make it any better? No, it wouldn't, and I don't see how that sitiuation is any different. Possible name change; anything that celebrates the Native Americans geneticly inherent intollerance of alcohol. The Braves can be the Atlanta Lightweights, the Redskins can be the Washington Freshmen, and the Indians can be the Cleveland Staggerers.

These name changes are non-negotiable. Don't take our threats lightly. So long as we don't die prematurely of calcium or protein deffincies, we will continue to fight the injustices of insensitive sports team naming. Remember, dietary habits should not be a choice, and humans are not carnivours, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Fact: for every animal a peta member doesn't eat, the average American eats 36 in a given year