Bars; a Practical Guide for Soon-to-be Adults

You're twenty years old and it's been the longest year of your life. You feel like you've been the same age for the last three years. As the time quickly melts away like the faces of the bad guys at the end of that Indiana Jones movie, your 21st birthday is mere weeks away. You understandably have a few questions as to what bars and nightclubs are like and how you should behave there. In this article I am going to attempt to explain to you some of the basic rules and social norms which you should get used to following unless you want to end up embarrassing yourself in front of more seasoned bar goers.

1. Ordering Drinks

When you first take a seat at the bar, get the bartender's attention by dramatically waving both of your arms in the air. When you have their focus tell them you'd like to open an account. The bartender will then give you a unique user name and password that you will use to access your tab. It is important not to let anyone else know your password or their drinks will be on you.

Put seven tenths of shitty vodka on my tab please

2. Open Vs. Closed Tab

ALWAYS leave your tab open. Paying for drinks one at a time takes precious seconds out of the bartender's life and is highly frowned upon in the bar community. Paying for drinks individually will most likely result in the bartender poisoning you at some point in the night. Open tabs are also useful so that if you forget how many drinks you ordered when its time to pay the bartender can simply keep track themselves. Bartenders are very honest people and will never add drinks to an open tab even though there is virtually no way to prove them wrong or dispute what you owe.

3. Tipping

Bartenders have very difficult jobs. Pouring liquids into a glass and handing them to people is very mentally and physically taxing, there for it is important to reward their service by leaving a tip that is AT LEAST twice the value of the drink you ordered. As before, not following this guideline may result in you being poisoned by the bartender.

Sometimes bartenders will resort to clever phrases rather than poisonings. Sometimes.

4. Award Markings (xx/86)

On especially extravagant evenings you may find yourself with a much higher blood alcohol content than the average bar patron. If the bar staff deem you worthy, they will draw two large X's somewhere on your forearms. This is to let everyone know that you have gained the respect of the bartenders based on the fact that you can really handle a lot of alcohol. Drinks will then be free of charge for the rest of the night. On rare occasions, the number 86 will be drawn instead of the x's. This practice originated when a bartender told a guest, "man, you're slammin back like you've been drinkin' since 86" It is truly the highest honor that a hardened night crawler can attain in their life.

Getting 86'd is basically like receiving the Congressional Medal of Honor in the military

5. Dungeons.

A lot of people don't know about this, but almost every bar in the world has an exclusive basement area reserved for frequent and well-liked guests, similar to a VIP area. After you've been consistently going to a particular bar and have become friendly with their staff, ask them about their dungeon. If they hold you in high enough esteem, they will quietly slide you a key and with a quick, inconspicuous nod of the head you will be directed to the Dungeon's entrance. If it is decided that you are not yet Dungeon-worthy, the bartender will give you a confused look like he doesn't know what you're talking about but he TOTALLY DOES.

6. Room Guards

Room guards, sometimes called Floor Patrol in certain parts of the Midwest, are generally tall, portly gentlemen in black shirts who are there to keep the peace. They are usually very talkative and friendly, especially if you are already drunk. Don't behave in an unruly fashion around them, however. This kind of behavior will result in you being tied up in ropes and locked in the bar's storage area after they think you've sobered up. After this, they will physically remove you from the premises, and ask you to leave and not return. Although they are only authorized to use non-lethal force, they are allowed to use deadly force if they feel their lives are threatened. They usually do, and all they have to tell the police is that it looked like they were reaching for a knife.

7. Smoking

Smoking cigarettes used to be a major staple in the world of bars, but many states have banned this practice because of an elaborate medical hoax that links smoking to certain illnesses. Having a quick smoke outside of the bar is allowed and often encouraged. This is because one cigarette will always slightly sober you up for at least like a minute.

8. The Twenty Minute Rule

Should you feel like you've had too many drinks and may be one shot away from blacking out, give yourself twenty minutes before ordering the next one. If you feel like you can handle it, go for it. If you still feel highly intoxicated you will most likely say "fuck it, I'm getting one anyway" which actually makes this rule kind of pointless.

9. Avoiding Arrest for Drunk in Public/Drunk and Disorderly

If at anytime during the night you feel a police officer is trying to arrest you for either of these offenses, calmly tell them that you are feeling woozy from what must have been some bad shellfish earlier and that you may have severe food poisoning. At this point the officer is required to call an ambulance and have you taken to the hospital. Once at the hospital you can just leave. If this doesn't work, tell the cop that you aren't drunk, just retarded.

10. Dress Code

For men, it is most common to go to any bar in a full six piece tuxedo. Men who go out not dressed like this looking to meet a lady for the night might as well just stay at home and masturbate. For women, it shouldn't be anything that you wouldn't wear to a funeral.

11. The No Beards Policy

Some bars enforce a strict rules against the wearing of a full beard. At these places, having a beard will ensure your denial of entrance and growing one while inside will result in one of the Room Guards asking you to leave and to not return. As a good rule of thumb, it is best to go out clean-shaven during your first several months of being 21 until you have a good understanding of which bars are beard-friendly.

"Sorry Saddam, we're at capacity"

12. Karaoke

Don't. Just fucking don't. The only people who will even think its funny are you and the rest of the fat chicks in your stupid bachelorette party.

13. Last Call

By United States law and by worldwide tradition, bars always close promptly at eleven pm. Be sure to plan on leaving by at least 10:45 because if the bar is crowded a bottleneck may form at the door since so many people will be trying to leave at once. This should be avoided because if this happens and the building catches on fire or someone starts shooting a gun you are FUCKED.

So remember children/future adults; tip by twice the value, always say hi to the room guards, and be nice to the bartenders so you may one day gain entrance to their dungeon. Also, if you plan on driving drunk home, make sure you chew some gum. If you get pulled over, the police will never be able to tell how drunk you are because it covers up the smell.

Stop Using REDBOX, You ADHD Fucks

There isn't really much more I need to say about this subject. Keep scrolling.

The Objective Truth Behind the 4Loko Ban

The United States legislature is at it again and assisting large corporations by accusing the makers of Four Loko to be producing a dangerous beverage that is killing otherwise responsible college students and being marketed to children. This is especially dangerous because as we all know, children are allowed to buy alcohol. You most likely remember my article that exposed the real reasons behind the illegality of clove cigarettes, because you've read every single one of these, and you will see in this piece that their motives are shockingly the same.

Shockingly. The Same.

This is by far one of the single most unconstitutional thing the government has ever done, and should be thought to be both reprehensible and un-American. Four Loko does not contain a single ingredient that poses a threat to anyone in moderation. Alcohol poisoning related deaths are likely to happen to anyone, and the addition of caffeine actually makes this drink safer. For instance;

• Most people tend to "pass out" when under the influence of large quantities of alcohol. With the addition of caffeine, the drinker is enabled to stay up longer and have more fun. You are also less likely to have your body tampered with.
  
• Rapes related to people passed out are virtually nullified by Four Loko. (see above)
  
• Caffeine is said to offset the effects of alcohol, making drunk driving much safer. This dramatically decreases the number of drunk driving fatalities.
  
• Four Loko makes almost any woman look fantastic.
  

To be fair, I did sit down and make a list of every possible negative thing about Four Loko that I could possibly think of, so here's that list.

• I'm not drinking one right now.

From this fair and balanced argument, its pretty easy to say that Four Loko has no objectively bad aspects to it, and the only people who have been sent to hell by this drink died for the same reasons anyone else who dies of alcohol poisoning does; bad luck. If this is all true, then why is the government so adamant about pulling this Nectar of the Gods from the shelves? One not need be Stephen Hawking to see the crippling evidence as to why the government hates this drink.

Its common knowledge that the government is controlled by large corporations. If you think I am wrong on this, you obviously don't know who our Treasury Secretary and Chief of Staff are and who they used to work for. (The major banks). You also probably don't know what company is rebuilding Iraq, that Dick Cheney used to be CEO of. (Halliburton)

Now that Four Loko, produced by a small, independent company called Phusion, has produced a product that consumers have decided fucks you up longer and quicker than beer, Anhauser-Busch and Miller have created media hype about 12 year old's thinking that the pretty colors on the cans are turning them into alcoholics over night. I have no direct proof of any of this being true at all, because I don't need proof. Regardless of whether or not this is true, beer sales are going to sky rocket. Their logic is exactly the same as when Big Tobacco lobbied the government to ban clove cigarettes, because before that happened India controlled a whopping 1% of the U.S. tobacco market.

If you are one of the brainwashed masses who believes that Four Loko has been rightfully banned, you are objectively wrong and any argument you make for yourself can be refuted by the following statement; Caffeine is legal, alcohol is legal. People die of alcohol poisoning all the time and its their fault for not drinking responsibly. Again, if you disagree with me on this, you are wrong.

Let's Stop Lying to Ourselves this Christmas Season

Its that time of year again, when Christmas, and coincidentally other religious holidays occur in December, and we are forced by tradition to temporarily abandon our unfounded hatred for each other and collectively spend 87 billion dollars on gift cards. Gift cards of course, being almost worthless compared to real cash and in rare cases, a real present.

The reason people buy gift cards is as obvious as it is justified. It usually starts with an elderly person browsing Barnes and Noble, wondering which collections of nude illustrations by Glenn Beck they should buy. They're daughter calls them on their cell phone, and if they can figure out how to answer it they are casually reminded that their grandson's 12th birthday is coming up. Not being able to figure out what kind of book to buy him because they forgot that he doesn't know how to read, (only write) they buy him a twenty dollar gift card.

To this child, a 20 dollar gift card isn't worth the plastic magnetic strip the twenty dollars is embedded on. It is non nonrefundable and his friends laugh at him when he offers to sell it to them for as little as 10 cents on the dollar. (that means two dollars for any NASCAR fans who might be reading this)

If you still somehow hold the wrong opinion that gift cards are a practical and thoughtful gift, allow me to swiftly shatter that illusion with my brilliant logic. When you buy someone a gift card, you are not only showing them your thoughtlessness by affectively telling them to choose their own gift, you are giving them something that is almost worthless compared to cash.

Cash can be used any where. In any store, in any public transaction, to buy anything from pencil illustrations to illegal drugs. It can even be converted into foreign currency and used abroad to buy even more exotic illustrations and drugs. All that, while the only thing that McDonald's Arch Card you bought you 7 year old nephew will buy is childhood obesity and years of dark, hollow depression, most likely leading to suicide.

TL;DR Gift cards cause suicide.

Also: Hypothetical conversation this article may lead to.

Person A "I buy gift cards because it shows I care. My grandson can use this 20 dollar gift card at Best Buy to purchase headphones if he needs them, or something of that nature"

Me "If you simply gave him cash, wouldn't he be able to buy those headphones OR something at any other store in the entire world?"

Person B "wow, you're so right, I will never question you on anything again and I am sorry for doubting your wisdom in the first place."

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps Review

Much like my review for the awful movie precious, I should first start out by admitting that I have never seen this movie, nor do I intend to, and that my opinions are entirely based on theatrical trailers, IMDB.com information, my opinion of the first movie which I DID see, and second hand testimonials.

This movie is the sequel to the nineteen-ninety-something box office hit: Wallstreet, starring Charlie Sheene and Michael Douglas. Its basically about Charlie Sheene doing a bunch of insider trading and cocaine, making himself filthy rich while his down-home, blue collar father shakes his head in disapproval. A bunch of shit happens and Charlie Sheene and Michael Douglas end up going to jail. I do not know the plot of the sequel, a term I use loosely since its been over twenty years since the original was made, but I can tell you that this movie is an absolute shit pile. Allow me to explain.

The Movie is rated PG-13

The original Wall Street had that rare blend of swearing, drug use, and no-context nudity that provided an extremely grim portrait of New York City. This movie has Shia LeBeouff.

The Movie has Shia Lebeouff

Remember that annoying little bitch they use as a character to make it seem like the two Transformers movies had plots? That douche bags the main character.

The title

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. No fucking shit, its money. Its an inanimate object, it doesn't have to. Whats sad is how whoever thought of this title probably jumped out of his seat and said "I GOT IT!" when he thought of it, and all of his peers nodded in flaccid approval.

The Lack of Charlie Sheene

Even though you'd think I am, I am not a Hollywood screenplay writer. Despite this, even I know that when you make a sequel to a movie it should probably have the same main character, and not have a new main character played by an actor who bench presses less than Justin Bieber. Charlie Sheene is by far the most raging alcoholic in America, and who better to play the role of an insider trader fresh out of years in federal prison? No one.

The movie some how cost 70 million dollars to make

If a movie is going to cost that much to produce, it should have these three things; at least three giant explosions. Movies with budgets like that are usually mildly entertaining, but this movie is just "blah blah economy blah blah i'm Shia LeBeouff and I'm the worst actor ever blah blah" How that cost 70 million dollars to write, shoot, and produce is beyond me.

This movie has only made 35 million dollars so far. Let's keep it that way.

Communism in Modern America

Just when I thought we had defeated communism when we whooped Vietnam's ass and knocked down the Munich Wall, it has been made aware that communism is rearing its ugly head, right hear in the United Americas. The culprit; none other than mid-tier sit down restaurant; RED Robin. (I highlighted the word 'red' to draw attention to the fact that red, is indeed the color of communism.)

I recently meant someone who works as a waiter for this openly fascist regime. I asked how the tips are, and she told me, "well, they're usually OK because at the end of the night the managers take everyone's tips and divide them amongst all of us equally." Upon hearing this my face went grim and pale. Images of previous fascists such as Richard Stalin and John Lennon perverted my thoughts. All I could think of was how awful it must be for competent, attentive waiters who refill your drink correctly before you're even finished, making the same amount in tips as the ass hole who screws your order up and asks you retarded questions such as how you'd like your chicken cooked.

"Here's your salad sir"

Listen up RED Robin; this is America, and in America we aren't communists. We're Americans.

A Loose Recap of the VMAs

The VMAs is a yearly spectacle where all the musicians you listen to because they're on the radio get together and try to deliver poorly written jokes about the different nominees. It is the only three and a half hours out of the year where MTV show's anything even remotely relating to actual music, and this year it was hosted by musician Chelsea Handler. Oh wait, she's not a musician? No big deal, because her forced inappropriateness and self deprecating jokes about her promiscuity will make the general 15-25 year old demographic feel cool for liking her.

Now I'm not gonna lie, I didn't "technically" watch the whole thing. When I was done listening to the usual banter on Sports Center about how if Peyton Manning wants to be a good quarter back he needs to throw a lot of touch down passes, I saw some guy's status about how he was excited that he got to see the VMAs at six pm, when everyone else (the east coast) had to wait until nine. I insulted him about his lack of knowing how time zones worked, and decided that the VMAs would actually be somewhat entertaining.

I changed the channel and was not surprised at all to see Justin Bieber on stage singing. I couldn't really tell what song it was because of how loud all the little girls in the crowd screaming. It was a lot like the world cup vuvuzela situation, if the world cup was a contest to see how long you could go before you hit puberty. He ended with what has to have been the shittiest drum solo ever performed on stage everywhere, and as an experienced musician I can tell you that it was an extremely basic and fundamental drum exercise that six year olds who take lessons for three months can play. If you think that drum solo was good, here's Niel Peart.

After that some other shit happened and Usher came out and lip synced an entire two song set. Scratch that, he didn't even bother to lip sync. He just kind of danced around and did that slidy foot thing where its kind of like a sideways moon walk. If you're going to come out and half lip sync, at least don't insult our intelligence by wearing those headset microphones that aren't connected to anything.

Shortly there after, Eminem won an award, probably for least convincing sobriety attempt, but he was 2 cool 4 school to even be there so katy perry and some black chick just kind of made lame jokes. Went and made some steaks, came back and this obvious hermaphrodite had won like 5 awards, I think her name was lady gaga or something. More later if anything develops. oh yeah and this really cool techno dj named Dead Mow Five was there.

Scientists: Try Harder

The scientific community hasn't done anything worth noting since Albert Einstein proved that E is INDEED equal to MC squared. (Like we wouldn't have figured that out anyway) You may be thinking "but hey, what about string theory?" to which I reply, no, the universe does not contain eleven dimensions, you're just trying to sound smart by parroting shit you saw that asian guy say on the Science Channel that one time.

"Eleven. Count em'."

Its pretty obvious to anyone who cares that science is really hard to come by these days. So rather than putting their collective heads together and solving important problems like how to time-travel and light sabers, they've resorted to making outrageous claims just to piss everyone off.

Pluto is not a Planet

The major astronomers of the world decided in August of 2006 that Pluto can no longer be considered a planet. This can quickly be refuted, however, by the simple observation that Pluto is a large, round thing that orbits the sun. The official term for it now is "dwarf planet". What, so just because its a "dwarf" means its not a planet anymore? I'm sure the cast of Little People, Big World will be happy to know that they aren't technically "people" anymore.

"the fuck' you nerds say about me?"

Also, look at the douche with the red penguin T/vest combo

There Was No Triceratops

This next one is just sad. The triceratops, the third best dinosaur behind the T-Rex and Velociraptor, has come under attack from a group of paleontologists who share the same disrespect for science as the anti-plutites and string theorists. Their argument is that they were all so stupid, that they thought the triceratops was its own species when they were really just young versions of a completely similar looking dinosaur called the torosaurus. The image on the left is the traditional triceratops, and the one on the right is a fully grown "triceratops", the torosaurus.

Scientists: "oh wait. fuck"

So for the entire history of paleontology, not a single person was smart enough to make the connection that the triceratops might just be a younger version of another dinosaur. Trying to cover his ass, paleontologist John Scanella went on record saying, "Paleontologists are at a disadvantage because we can't go out into the field and observe a triceratops grow from a baby to an adult". Yeah, ok John, like I haven't heard the whole I-can't-be-certain-because-what-I-study-doesn't-exist-anymore excuse before. Maybe you should have all just, I don't know, noticed that the triceratops looks exactly the fucking same as the torosaurus? I am highly confident that paleontologists have known about this error for at least over 9000 years and were just hoping no one would say anything, until John Scanella had to open his big fucking mouth about it.

Scientists: Do better.

Grenades and Land-mines; Know your Ordinance

Grenades and land-mines have a lot in common with their real life, cock-blocking counterpart; there are times in war when a brave soldier must land on a live one in order to save his platoon from from certain death by hot shrapnel. By death by hot shrapnel, I of course mean not getting any.

For those unfamiliar with the generation-defining MTV show Jersey Shore, here is how grenades and land mines work. A grenade is the obligatory ugly, stuck up, fat bitch who inexplicably belongs to a group of objectively attractive women. Said attractive women will not feel comfortable pursuing men until the grenade has been spoken for. Groups of gentlemen are often times forced to choose amongst themselves someone to engage the grenade, freeing up the good ones for his squad mates. Hence the phrase "landing on a grenade."

In this article I felt the need to create a more specific list of terms that adequately compare real life anti-personnel explosive devices to cock blocking women.

Grenades: The situation's got em'

Frag Grenade

RL: A hand-thrown anti-personnel weapon that explodes and disperses shrapnel at a high velocity. Kill Radius: 15M

Metaphor: An unattractive, stuck up bitch who cock blocks the hell out of everyone until she some how manages to secure a man. Boner Killing Radius: 15M

Smoke Grenades

RL: A non explosive, non lethal hand-thrown device used to disperse large amounts of smoke, usually for the purpose of concealing movement. Kill Radius: Non-lethal.

Metaphor: A grenade who smokes cigarettes. For most men, if a women is good looking enough smoking is NEVER a negative factor and can some times make them look hotter, but if a grenade smokes cigarettes, all it can do is make her THAT much more of a grenade. Boner Killing Radius: 15M

Stun Grenades

RL: A non lethal device that produces a bright flash that blinds the enemy for about five seconds. Kill Radius: Non Lethal.

Metaphor: A grenade so ugly, its simply stunning. Boner Killing Radius: Indefinite.

Land mines: The more slender version of the grenade, but their tactics and habits are somewhat different. "Hot from far away" and "Butter face" are defining characteristics of the proverbial land mine. This being the case, most land mines can be disarmed with a simple brown paper lunch bag.

However, paper bags don't really solve the whole hermaphroditic penis situation

S-Mine "Bouncing Betty"

RL: A German mine used in WWII. When tripped, the mine is propelled about 1.2 meters into the air and explodes with an effective kill radius of up to 100M. The best way to avoid them is to drop to the ground as quickly as possible, as most of the shrapnel is dispersed in a circular pattern.

Metaphor: A woman so skinny she becomes drunk off half a shot of Triple Sec, who bounces around all night and will randomly pop up in front of you, frightening you with her face. The best way to avoid them is to drop to the ground as quickly as possible, as most of the shrapnel is dispersed in a circular pattern.

M 18 Claymore

RL: A directional mine that uses a C4 explosion to rapidly project a matrix of about 700 1/8 inch steel balls at 1,200 meters per second in a 60 degree fan pattern with an effective kill range of 50M.

Metaphor: I don't think I really need to spell out the comparison for you.

PFM-1 "Butterfly"

RL: A Russian mine used during their occupation of Afghanistan. Known for causing harm to children due to being confused for toys because of their unusual shape. They are the worst land mines of them all.

Metaphor: Because of their unusual body shape, they appear to be attractive when in reality their face is BROKE. They cause harm to unsuspecting drunk men who mistake them for attractive women. They are the worst land mines of them all.

Misc Slang:

Grenadier

RL: A soldier appointed with the duty of carrying and deploying most of the grenades and other explosive devices.

Metaphor: The man in the group who does not mind if not prefers landing on grenades. Mostly due to their ease of getting with and the fact that his beer goggles are always very generous.

Sticky Grenade

When a grenade spills beer on herself and becomes sticky. Highly unflattering.

Cooking off

RL: To pull the pin and throw the grenade when the fuse has burned to a certain point causing the grenade to explode before enemies can have a chance to retreat.

Metaphor: To feign the appearance of hooking up with a grenade while your friends hook up with her friends. When the grenade explodes and starts crying, play the song "big girls don't cry".

Disclaimer: If you are an obese woman you should only be offended by this blog if you are an annoying, cock blocking stuck up bitch. NOT all fat women are grenades. Its a genetic thing and is sometimes out of their control. Sometimes.

Consequences: Will they Ever be the Same?

Jessie "Slaughter" Leonhardt currently holds the world record for caring about youtube comments. For those of you unfamiliar with this viral video, I'd like to first offer a warm welcome to the internet. All eleven year old Jessie slaughter wanted to do was post videos for some talentless emo band's fan website she was in, when (probably) baseless rumors of her having sex with a member of the band began to surface. What she should have done was absolutely nothing, but what she DID do was make a video of herself talking about how much better she is than everyone, and that she will "put a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushee"

Brain Slushee was actually the title of a Tupac album

Ebaums World Finds the Video: Does what you'd expect them to.

The above video soon caught the attention of users on a message board called Ebaums World. If you do not know what that is, keep it that way. All you need to know is that regular users of that site have about as much morality as Lindsey Lohan has success in her future. Its great, I go on it all the time now. Ebaums proceeded to bombard Jessie with comments so hateful and insidious that they make Mel Gibson's rants look like an episode of Reading Rainbow.

We don't have to worry about being raped by a pack of Lavar Burtons, and it wouldn't be our faults if it happened. I also don't think he's started ANY of the wars.

The onslaught of hatred effected her house hold in the absolute biggest way possible youtube comments could. Her parents alerted authorities, some fictional some real, Jessie lost her ability to eat and sleep, and her father grew the most disgusting mustache ever out of pure rage. He also made an internet video with his daughter, in an attempt to intimidate /b/ with a bevy of threats. While he failed at intimidating a single person, he inadvertently succeeded in creating what I believe to be the most hilarious viral video ever. Let's take a look.

I've been trying for at least a month now to figure out what this man was trying to accomplish by making this video. "Yeah, this will scare the shit out of those lyin' bunch of pricks!" In an earlier take of the video, he also goes on to tell the the haters that they "dun goof'd", officially winning the award for least intimidating thing said of all time, ever.

Now imagine you're at a bar; you talk to a women who you did not know was with her boyfriend, he walks up to you and says, "hey pal, don't talk to my girlfriend." You drunkenly reply, "she looks like a pig in heat anyway, I don't care". "That's it pal, you dun goof'd."

What's most perplexing about this video are these four things;

• Who are the cyber police?
• Why is he in the "Iced" position?
• What did he mean by "I back TRACED it?
• Will consequences ever be the same?

Unable to stop pondering these questions I began my research. After about 2 seconds each on Google and Wikipedia respectively, I found that there is no Cyber Police. I let out a long sigh of relief knowing that the cyber police would not be knocking my door down with warrants issued by Tapout and Affliction.

Figuring out what back TRACING was took a little more effort, as Google kept saying Did you mean Backtracking? No, Google. I know what the fuck I meant. Since Google didn't seem to know what it was out of its presumptuousness, I assumed no one did and that he, like the Cyber Police, made it up. What I'm sure he meant was IP address tracking, but with that kind inbred/meth addict accent I can safely say he doesn't know what that is. Even if he could "backtrace", I don't think that the Cyber Police have enough personnel to make that many cyber arrests. Oh yeah and the whole first amendment thing too.

What was easily the most baffling part of this video was his grand finale. With rage in his voice and resolve in his heart, he proclaims in crystal clarity, "Consequences will NEVER be the same" I cannot even begin to speculate what he means by this. I at first believed him to have misspoke, but there was no stutter or restating. I have bad news for you and your mustache; consequences for making fun of annoying children on youtube will stay the same for ever: Nothing happens.

THE Expendables Vs. eat pray love, an Objective Comparison

Over the weekend two highly anticipated movies made their premiers; The Expendables, a movie about explosions, and Eat, Pray, Love, a movie about how big Julia Robert's mouth is. I should also probably mention the movie Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, where Michael Cera steps out of his comfort zone to play the unfamiliar role of an awkward teenager. (ha! thats what he always plays!) In terms of which of the three movies was best, all you have to know is that The Expendables made about 17 million dollars more than EPL in its opening weekend and had at least 136 more explosions. In case you somehow still aren't convinced, please continue reading for a more in depth comparison.

Eat, Pray, Love.
Now I haven't actually seen this movie, but I DID read about half of the plot synopsis on the internet and saw more than enough previews to craft an informed opinion. From what I can tell, this movie is based on the memoir of some women who divorces her husband because he can't get her pregnant, even though I'm pretty sure I read that she's just menopausal and out of eggs, like a super market located too far from the nearest farm.

She then proceeds to travel the world, because that's what you do when you divorce your husband for things that are your fault. (Menopause is always the woman's fault) From there I can only assume that she just pretty much goes around making joke after recycled joke about her purse and not having periods anymore or something. "What's CostCo's return policy on 1,000 packs of tambpons? I won't be needing them anymore, you know, because I'm menopausal and don't have periods anymore?" ROFL.

On opening weekend this movie somehow tricked 23 million dollars worth of impressionable women who think that this kind of thing is entertaining into not only seeing this movie but also dragging their whipped boyfriends out for another night of politely nodding and smiling every time their girlfriend turns to them and say's "HAHA wasn't that a funny joke about periods, Chad?" No Chad, it wasn't.

THE Expendables

The Expendables is easily the greatest movie ever made of all time. I not just talking about action movies here, I'm speaking for the entire art of cinema. A lot of you losers who affectionately refer to yourselves as "film buffs" will snobbishly proclaim that movies are supposed to be about capturing human emotion, romance, and the incongruities of life. Well I have news for you and your stupid incongruities; you're wrong.

Movies are about entertainment, and seriously, how entertained can you be by a movie about people merely interacting with each other? Is your life really so devoid of love and human contact that you need to watch movies like Eat Pray Love to make up for your shallow existence? No, you don't. Go to the god damned bar and meet someone. Now about how great this movie is.

This movie has Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Dolph Lundgren in it. The plot basically revolves around them shooting people and causing explosions for a few hours and then just kind of ends. Its absolutely perfect in every way. If this movie was titled in the same manner as Eat, Pray, Love, it would be called Kill, Stab, Cause Explosions. The real beauty comes from the way directer Sylvester Stallone transitions from fight scenes to shootouts.

One minute they're kicking people in the head, and then as the tempo of violence picks up they switch to shooting people in the head. Its the kind of thing that makes film critics with low sperm counts fiery with pretentious rage and makes real men everywhere want to light their cars on fire just to see them explode. See this movie now, and tell me it wasn't the best hour and forty seven minutes of your life besides the time you lost your virginity. (which was probably more like a minute and forty seven seconds anyway)

The Big 3 Douchiest Clothing Lines and the Men who Wear Them Pt 2: Affliction

Affliction: "I like tatoos but i'm too much of a pussy to ever make the decision to actually get one. Also, my favorite MMA fighters are Randy Couture and Chuck Lidell in THAT order"

The clothing brand Affliction's name alone adequately describes itself; a horrific cause of pain, suffering, or distress. Your words, dictionary, not mine. It takes a different class of douche to wear these clothes; a guy who claims to be interested in MMA, acts tough to compensate for years of neglect/abuse, and always talks about tatoos he wants to get but never actually goes through with it because he hears that the needles hurt kind of bad. The way the designs on an Affliction shirt work like this; Its a really lame tattoo that you can WEAR AS A SHIRT!!.

"DUDE, SICK!"

Without exception, every Affliction shirt in the history of the brand consists of these essential things:

• Skulls (human or dragon)
• Crucifixes ironically juxtaposed
• The Affliction logo spelled in the font "Gothic Tattoo"
• Swirling stencil designs
• Subtle variations in the brightness of the coloring that are probably douche stains
• Or this.

"most guys wouldn't wear a shirt with a giant, feminist angel on it, but then again, I'm not most guys. Please have sex with me."

Tune in next fortnight for Pt 3: Ed Hardy "I am the biggest douche bag in the world and no other type of person will ever top my absolute lameness, not even women who watch The View"

The Big 3 Douchiest Clothing Lines and the Men who Wear Them: Pt 1

TapouT: "yeah, I'm into mma... my favorite fighters are Chuck Lidell and Randy Couture and my favorite fighting style is Brazilian Tae Kwon Doe."

I don't care how much bigger you are than me, how many steroids you take, or how many MMA pay per views you paid 50 dollars for and watched by yourself, if you wear TapouT clothes I am personally calling you a limp dicked little bitch and I really hope that hell exists so that you and your douchey ass clothes can burn there for eternity. All your clothes do for yourself is inform everyone that you care way too much about them knowing that you watch MMA fights, and that them knowing this will somehow cause them to fear and respect you. (It doesn't)

The TapouT brand was originally started by a group of three guys who's douchiness could fill more bags than the feminine hygiene section of a grocery store in Alabama. They affectionately refer to themselves with the self-designated nicknames Mask, Skyscrape, and Punkass. I could go on to describe how unjustifiably cocky and annoying they are, but I think the previous sentence should give you pretty good insight alone. In 2009, Mask tragically died in a car accident or something, probably because God decided it was too much to let three men make millions of dollars off the insecurities of men who think that wearing a type of clothing will cause others to fear their feigned masculinity.

The typical man who wears these clothes is a male in his mid twenties, works out, drives an old pickup truck, and thinks that being an MMA fan is somehow a lifestyle. While watching two extremely athletic men beat each other beyond recognition with less rules than the dogfights Mike Vick refs is always a great time, there is no justification for your life to revolve around it. A lot of these men will actually go their local sport fight gym and take a few lessons, only to quit when they realize that repeated elbows to the nose hurt really bad, and that women are turned off by the sight of ears so cauliflowered that it looks like your brain is leaking out of the side of your head.

Pictured: A man who's ears look like his brain is leaking out of the side of his head.

If you'd like to make a formal rebuttal, you can usually find me at the Kohl's in Beaverton Oregon on the corner of T.V. Highway and Canyon where we actually sell this brand in the young men's section. Although it's the lesser quality MPS variant, (which is probably an acronym for this M.an's P.enis is S.mall) its low price should satisfy your need to let everyone know you are a douschy MMA fan who's been a fan for years and has been following Brock Lesnar since his days in the WWF.

Stay tuned for Pt. 2: Affliction "All I wear is shit with crosses and skulls ironically juxtaposed, so you know I'm deep and angst filled. I also like MMA, but not like those TapouT douches. No, I'm way different."

I Wrote this About Facebook to Appeal to a Larger Audience

I'm about to bring it to you cowards and its gonna be quick. Here's a bunch of shit we all do on facebook that irritates me like the loud Italian family at the table next to you at T.G.I. Friday's. Before you say "but alex, you contradicted yourself because you do these all the time" I'm going to stop you and say that I only do it because maybe it'll make people feel the same annoyance I feel. If you fail to see the logic in that, good luck ever graduating college.

The status about how much you hate your easy job.

Ex: "work 7-9 gaaaaaay" "boo work 12:00-12:30" :(" "Strip club 7-4am, hope no pervs!"

Its very sad to see people complain about having to go to their awful job for five hours as a cashier at Abercrombie and Fitch. It could be infinitely worse. Be thankful you live in a country where you aren't a seven year old in Vietnam getting paid two cents for 12 hours of work making Nikes. (by the way, thank you SOO MUCH kids!)

The Three Thing Life-is-good Combo

Ex: "Beer, Barbecue, and my Girlfriend. Life is good." "Basketball game, Ranch Dorritos, gram of heroin. God must love me"

Woah, dude, you're having such a good time! This just screams insecurity, as it shows that the poster needs everyone to know that yes, he does indeed live a comfortable if not extravagant life. Like pilot fish on the underbelly of a shark, many of his friends will click the "like" button as if to say, "I can totally relate to having such an enjoyable time"

Messages that should be private posted to wall, seen by many.

Ex: Jane Smith > Courtney Courtneyson: YOU FCKIGN BITCH! STAY OFF MY BOYFRIENDS PENIS!" Joe Johnosn > Raymond Jones: That heroin last night was pretty strong. Did you hide tims dead body? I don't want his mom to know it was us that caused his overdose and subsequent death.

I actually don't mind these at all and find them side splittingly hilarious, keep doing this.

Statuses with links that aren't my blog.

Ex: www.anythingthatisn'tthiswebsite.org

What you are reading is the best thing on the internet by a substantial margin, but not enough people know that yet. If you've ever read it and enjoyed it at all, repost it on your wall. Then your friends will read it, then then their friends will read it, then Obama will read it and concede his presidency to me. Then maybe i'll get enough site traffic to get some ad sponsors and finally be able to pay for more writing classes/heroin. Thanks to all of you, without viewers like you this shit I write is basically a personal diary.

4 Loko. Bitch Beer? More like Whore Fuel.

Have you ever been at a party and noticed a college-age woman who is just way too energetic for how intoxicated she is? Unless she's been having rum and "coke" all night, there's a high probability that she's been drinking 09/10's favorite fuck-you-up-quick-for-like-2-dollars beverage of choice known as 4 Loko. Or as I like to call it; whore loko. See what I did there? Let it be known that I came up with that brilliant pun and that no one has ever thought of it before I have.

Four Loko is a 12% alcohol energy drink that's main ingredients consist of malt liquor, pure caffeine, artificial fruit flavoring, and an as of yet unidentified substance that chemically transforms even the most polite and subdued women into loud sluts. Here is how a typical night goes for a group of broke 19 year old girls who are trying to get FUKTUP.

Sarah: Oh my god you guys, my older cousin just bought us some 4 loko! Lets go to Tim's party tonight and drink them!

Jessica: Woohoo! alright! I love that drink, even if it tastes like a melted lolly pop.

Carla: Yay!

Two weeks later

Sarah: Oh no, now we're all pregnant now and have A.I.D.S.! BOO!

Jessica: Aww shit!

Carla: What an unfavorable turn of events!

Tim: HAHA! I gave you all A.I.D.S!

4 Loko isn't just for women though, as many men who enjoy the energetic buzz of Jager Bombs but lack the funds necessary will find that 4 loko is a more than suitable replacement. Only two cans of this will put an average male's BAC in the .13-.15 range which is about as drunk as you should want to be unless you don't like remembering the terrible things you do when you get that drunk.

Be warned however, you may black out despite feeling only mildly intoxicated. The crazy thing is that you don't even remember blacking out! The best way to see if you blacked out the previous night is to check your arms and legs for unexplainable bruises, your phone's call log to see how many people you drunk dialed, (if 911 was called you may have further problems) and America's Most Wanted to see if you murdered anyone last night. (Half of all murders are committed by a drunk person) Watch this video.

Why You Care About the AZ Immigration Bill

None of you give a fuck about the well being and treatment of Mexican immigrants, your're just taking the side of whatever political party you think is cool at the moment. All you Toby Keith/NASCAR/cousin-banging fans think Mexicans should be deported after 10 hours of warterboarding, and you affirmative action liberals think that not only should they be allowed to stay, but that if a company decides not to hire them its racist and has nothing to do with their lack of English speaking abilities.

Here's the truth about the AZ immigration bill; whether or not it is passed, nothing will change. Police officers have been harassing minorities ever since the dawn of civilization. The funny thing about this bill is how objectively clear it is that it isn't racist. The only reason any of you think it is, is because you watch the news. Here's a pro tip about the media; they have to compete with programing such as Jersey Shore and 16 and Pregnant, so in order to get your attention they try to get you emotionally involved in things that don't directly effect you.

Quite frankly, you most likely shouldn't even care about the AZ bill. I don't, but I'm writing this because it annoys me that all of you do. Here is a list of attributes you must have in order to be effected by this bill:

• You must be an illegal immigrant.
• You must live in Arizona.
• You must be a criminal.

Oh, what was that last thing, you ask? Contrary to what you've heard in the news, which was probably "The new Arizona Immigration bill makes it legal for police officers to use tazers on Mexicans without warning" the bill states that a police officer may only check your immigration status if they catch you committing a crime. This is strange, because usually police officers do extensive background checks on people they arrest, so I really don't even know what this bill is supposed to even do. If it was intended to cause a nation wide race controversy out of nothing, than it did it

In a way, if you think that this bill is racist because it targets Mexicans, that actually makes you a racist for saying that all Mexicans are criminals. As for you all on the other side of the political fence, you'd probably respond to this by saying, "your point?"

The only reason you should care at all about this is because a federal judge is trying interfere, which raises the age-old question of whether or not Federal Law trumps State Law. It doesn't, ever. If you disagree with me on that, you are wrong.

Enlightment: A Practical Guide; Pt. 1

Part 1: Breaking the Veil

Hello, and congratulations on stumbling upon this brilliant guide to quick and ever lasting enlightenment, inner peace, and an overall sense of well being. I was like you once; an insignificant shell of a person living on the margins of society. No idea who I was, no one else knowing who I was. Things were not going particularly well. Then one day, out of no where, I broke the veil and became enlightened.

What is breaking the veil you ask? Breaking the veil is that initial moment where you realize that nothing you or anyone else does in life matters, and the resulting bliss is overwhelming. The experience can be likened to a child having his first conscious thought, or a person using cocaine for the first time.

In order to break the veil it is important to realize several key aspects of your life:

• The only reason you exist, is because your parents decided to have sex one day.
• There are six billion people in this world. The chances of you becoming someone important are slim to none.
• Even if you do become famous or important, you're just going to end up dead some day, relegated to nothing more than a memory in the minds of a slowly dying society.
• The universe abides by very specific laws and constants and nothing is in your control. Choices are an illusion created by the inherent unpredictability of nature.
• There is no meaning of life, and searching for one will make your life meaningless.
• There isn't a single negative emotion that can't be drowned in alcohol.

So now that you've read and understand what I call the 5 Fundamental Truths, you have broken the veil. Congratulations, you made that veil your bitch. What comes after breaking the veil you ask? Part II: Making as Many People as you can Feel the Same Pain you Feel. Coming soon.

The Two Ugliest Famous Women (besides Susan Boyle)

Lady Gaga and Kesha- If boners were people, these two women would have an entire genocide on their conscience. On a personal note, they've killed my boner more times than Harry Potter's killed Voldemort. Every time these two put out another song, Viagra's stock jumps by 12 points. (you know, because they make it hard to get boners.) Lady Gaga was once rumored to be a hermaphrodite. Whether or not its true, the fact that it was even a question is disgusting. I don't much care for either of these women at all.

Why Your Relationship is Not like Romeo and Juliet's

Here are a few things you should ask yourself before comparing your relationship to the one Romeo and Juliet were in.

• Are each of your families in an ongoing violent feud with one another?
• Is your attraction to one another based on virtually nothing besides the fact that both families would disapprove of your relationship?
• Did you really just use that analogy? Seriously, its been used at least several billion times.
• If your partner was dead, would you kill yourself, knowing full well that they would want you to go on to live a fulfilling happy life?
• Exactly. Shut the fuck up.

Romeo and Juliet is one of those retarded stories that is inexplicably shoved down the throats of teenagers every year, despite the fact that doing so only makes them even more likely to smoke marijuana and drink alcohol. (Source: Everyone in high school did those things) The terrible part though, is that it was written like four hundred years ago and is presented to high school students in English class, even though its not even written in that language. Historians unanimously and inaccurately refer to it as "Early Modern English", but to me its still Old English, and the only time a high school student should have to deal with that is when he only has five dollars for beer/has a medical need to induce vomiting. Calling that language "Early Modern English" is like calling the Ford Model T an "Early Time Machine"

During my freshmen year of high school my English class read the play, and at least half the time spent in class each day was trying to figure out what the FUCK Romeo meant when he'd say things like "Doth art thou banished from thy depthest tempest of passionizing love." Rather than learning advance writing mechanics or practical hand to hand combat, we spent hour after hour translating a language no one has spoken in hundreds if not millions of years.

I like to think of William Shakespeare as the original M. Night Shyamalan (even though the current M. Night steals ideas from/makes movies about Nickelodean shows) because of his unexpected twist ending where Romeo and Juliet hilariously kill themselves on accident. For whatever reason, I was the only one in the class room who ever saw the comedic irony of the story. The saddest part about Romeo and Juliet, is that it means that four hundred years from now high school students will be reading the shittiest literature from our era: Twilight. More on that later though.

Questionable Lyrics

Its come to my attention that the mainstream music of today is filled with lyrics that are so bad that it causes me to envy the deaf. The following is my personal commentary on some of the most glaring examples of this.

David Guetta- Sexy Chick "I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful."

Here's a tip for you David. If you can't immediately formulate a sentence that is anything less than flattering to describe a drunk woman at a dance club, you probably never will. This makes me think you are trying to politely tell a woman that she's put on a few too many pounds, and that she should start throwing up after meals.

B.O.B.- Airplanes "Lets pretend that air planes are shooting stars."

While we're on the subject of pretending things that are blatantly untrue, lets make believe for a second that this song were never recorded, and that your mother had an abortion.

Eminem- Forgot about Dre. "Fuck you too bitch, call the cops, imma' kill you AND them loud ass mother fucking barking dogs."

Ok Slim Shady, that's a totally reasonable response to the situation at hand. I suppose I should expect this from a man who's written not one but two songs about murdering his wife and kidnapping his daughter, but this is just awful. (97 Bonnie and Clyde, Kim)

Eminem- Forgot about Dre Cont. "And when the cops came through me and Dre stood next to a burnt down house. With a can full of gas and a hand full of matches, still no one found out. (Right here!)"

I am aware that our nations law enforcement aren't the brightest or even most cognitively functioning group of people, but I'm pretty sure that if they saw you standing next to a burning building holding the contents you described, while exclaiming "right here!" to draw attention to yourself, they'd put the pieces together rather quickly. It'd be like a jury acquitting an ex-NFL star on trial for murdering his wife and best friend, even though they found one of his gloves at the crime scene covered in blood. Oh wait...

Ke$ha- Your Love is my Drug "Maybe I need some rehab, or maybe just need some sleep"

Try sleep, Kesha. At least that way there's the remarkably high chance that you'll choke on your own vomit in your sleep, ridding the world of yet another inexplicably famous fake person. Or to be less rude, you were right the first time.

Justin Bieber- Any lyric he has ever sang.

Your very existence has proven to me beyond any doubt that Americans will listen to whatever record executives decide is going to be popular that year. You aren't fit to sing in a karaoke bar, assuming of course that by the time you've turned 21 you've gone through puberty and the bouncer doesn't think you're a 12 year old with a fake I.D. (Doubtful)

Bobby Brackins-143 "143, baby I love you"

When I first heard this song I just thought that you didn't know how to count, but a friend of mine actually pointed out to me that you're just saying "I love you" in the most absolutely roundabout way possible by simply saying the corresponding number to however many letters there are in each word. If someone ever said "143" to me, I would respond with 248, "Go Fuck Your Self." These shitty lyrics aren't helped by the fact that you sound like my friends doing Lil Wayne impressions after drinking half a fifth of vodka. Speaking of rappers signed by lil wayne...

Drake- Forever "Understand nothing was done for me"

Really, Drake? You mean to tell me that the popularity you gained among 14 year old girls from being on the show DeGrassi had nothing to do with your current fame?

If this were Call of Duty, that rapist/pedophile with the glasses would have just scored 10 points.

Despite all this hatred, I truly appreciate mainstream music, and in fact I think its a good thing that there are songs that almost everyone can instantly identify with. Let's face it, picking music to like is hard. Its far more easy to just listen to the current hits and hip hop station and scream like a little girl every time the song you've heard twenty times in the last three days comes on. Also, if you read this and think I stole the entire concept for this blog from the website Snacksandshit.com, its because I did. Consider this me giving them credit. Have a nice day.