Communism in Modern America

Just when I thought we had defeated communism when we whooped Vietnam's ass and knocked down the Munich Wall, it has been made aware that communism is rearing its ugly head, right hear in the United Americas. The culprit; none other than mid-tier sit down restaurant; RED Robin. (I highlighted the word 'red' to draw attention to the fact that red, is indeed the color of communism.)

I recently meant someone who works as a waiter for this openly fascist regime. I asked how the tips are, and she told me, "well, they're usually OK because at the end of the night the managers take everyone's tips and divide them amongst all of us equally." Upon hearing this my face went grim and pale. Images of previous fascists such as Richard Stalin and John Lennon perverted my thoughts. All I could think of was how awful it must be for competent, attentive waiters who refill your drink correctly before you're even finished, making the same amount in tips as the ass hole who screws your order up and asks you retarded questions such as how you'd like your chicken cooked.

"Here's your salad sir"

Listen up RED Robin; this is America, and in America we aren't communists. We're Americans.

A Loose Recap of the VMAs

The VMAs is a yearly spectacle where all the musicians you listen to because they're on the radio get together and try to deliver poorly written jokes about the different nominees. It is the only three and a half hours out of the year where MTV show's anything even remotely relating to actual music, and this year it was hosted by musician Chelsea Handler. Oh wait, she's not a musician? No big deal, because her forced inappropriateness and self deprecating jokes about her promiscuity will make the general 15-25 year old demographic feel cool for liking her.

Now I'm not gonna lie, I didn't "technically" watch the whole thing. When I was done listening to the usual banter on Sports Center about how if Peyton Manning wants to be a good quarter back he needs to throw a lot of touch down passes, I saw some guy's status about how he was excited that he got to see the VMAs at six pm, when everyone else (the east coast) had to wait until nine. I insulted him about his lack of knowing how time zones worked, and decided that the VMAs would actually be somewhat entertaining.

I changed the channel and was not surprised at all to see Justin Bieber on stage singing. I couldn't really tell what song it was because of how loud all the little girls in the crowd screaming. It was a lot like the world cup vuvuzela situation, if the world cup was a contest to see how long you could go before you hit puberty. He ended with what has to have been the shittiest drum solo ever performed on stage everywhere, and as an experienced musician I can tell you that it was an extremely basic and fundamental drum exercise that six year olds who take lessons for three months can play. If you think that drum solo was good, here's Niel Peart.

After that some other shit happened and Usher came out and lip synced an entire two song set. Scratch that, he didn't even bother to lip sync. He just kind of danced around and did that slidy foot thing where its kind of like a sideways moon walk. If you're going to come out and half lip sync, at least don't insult our intelligence by wearing those headset microphones that aren't connected to anything.

Shortly there after, Eminem won an award, probably for least convincing sobriety attempt, but he was 2 cool 4 school to even be there so katy perry and some black chick just kind of made lame jokes. Went and made some steaks, came back and this obvious hermaphrodite had won like 5 awards, I think her name was lady gaga or something. More later if anything develops. oh yeah and this really cool techno dj named Dead Mow Five was there.

Scientists: Try Harder

The scientific community hasn't done anything worth noting since Albert Einstein proved that E is INDEED equal to MC squared. (Like we wouldn't have figured that out anyway) You may be thinking "but hey, what about string theory?" to which I reply, no, the universe does not contain eleven dimensions, you're just trying to sound smart by parroting shit you saw that asian guy say on the Science Channel that one time.

"Eleven. Count em'."

Its pretty obvious to anyone who cares that science is really hard to come by these days. So rather than putting their collective heads together and solving important problems like how to time-travel and light sabers, they've resorted to making outrageous claims just to piss everyone off.

Pluto is not a Planet

The major astronomers of the world decided in August of 2006 that Pluto can no longer be considered a planet. This can quickly be refuted, however, by the simple observation that Pluto is a large, round thing that orbits the sun. The official term for it now is "dwarf planet". What, so just because its a "dwarf" means its not a planet anymore? I'm sure the cast of Little People, Big World will be happy to know that they aren't technically "people" anymore.

"the fuck' you nerds say about me?"

Also, look at the douche with the red penguin T/vest combo

There Was No Triceratops

This next one is just sad. The triceratops, the third best dinosaur behind the T-Rex and Velociraptor, has come under attack from a group of paleontologists who share the same disrespect for science as the anti-plutites and string theorists. Their argument is that they were all so stupid, that they thought the triceratops was its own species when they were really just young versions of a completely similar looking dinosaur called the torosaurus. The image on the left is the traditional triceratops, and the one on the right is a fully grown "triceratops", the torosaurus.

Scientists: "oh wait. fuck"

So for the entire history of paleontology, not a single person was smart enough to make the connection that the triceratops might just be a younger version of another dinosaur. Trying to cover his ass, paleontologist John Scanella went on record saying, "Paleontologists are at a disadvantage because we can't go out into the field and observe a triceratops grow from a baby to an adult". Yeah, ok John, like I haven't heard the whole I-can't-be-certain-because-what-I-study-doesn't-exist-anymore excuse before. Maybe you should have all just, I don't know, noticed that the triceratops looks exactly the fucking same as the torosaurus? I am highly confident that paleontologists have known about this error for at least over 9000 years and were just hoping no one would say anything, until John Scanella had to open his big fucking mouth about it.

Scientists: Do better.

Grenades and Land-mines; Know your Ordinance

Grenades and land-mines have a lot in common with their real life, cock-blocking counterpart; there are times in war when a brave soldier must land on a live one in order to save his platoon from from certain death by hot shrapnel. By death by hot shrapnel, I of course mean not getting any.

For those unfamiliar with the generation-defining MTV show Jersey Shore, here is how grenades and land mines work. A grenade is the obligatory ugly, stuck up, fat bitch who inexplicably belongs to a group of objectively attractive women. Said attractive women will not feel comfortable pursuing men until the grenade has been spoken for. Groups of gentlemen are often times forced to choose amongst themselves someone to engage the grenade, freeing up the good ones for his squad mates. Hence the phrase "landing on a grenade."

In this article I felt the need to create a more specific list of terms that adequately compare real life anti-personnel explosive devices to cock blocking women.

Grenades: The situation's got em'

Frag Grenade

RL: A hand-thrown anti-personnel weapon that explodes and disperses shrapnel at a high velocity. Kill Radius: 15M

Metaphor: An unattractive, stuck up bitch who cock blocks the hell out of everyone until she some how manages to secure a man. Boner Killing Radius: 15M

Smoke Grenades

RL: A non explosive, non lethal hand-thrown device used to disperse large amounts of smoke, usually for the purpose of concealing movement. Kill Radius: Non-lethal.

Metaphor: A grenade who smokes cigarettes. For most men, if a women is good looking enough smoking is NEVER a negative factor and can some times make them look hotter, but if a grenade smokes cigarettes, all it can do is make her THAT much more of a grenade. Boner Killing Radius: 15M

Stun Grenades

RL: A non lethal device that produces a bright flash that blinds the enemy for about five seconds. Kill Radius: Non Lethal.

Metaphor: A grenade so ugly, its simply stunning. Boner Killing Radius: Indefinite.

Land mines: The more slender version of the grenade, but their tactics and habits are somewhat different. "Hot from far away" and "Butter face" are defining characteristics of the proverbial land mine. This being the case, most land mines can be disarmed with a simple brown paper lunch bag.

However, paper bags don't really solve the whole hermaphroditic penis situation

S-Mine "Bouncing Betty"

RL: A German mine used in WWII. When tripped, the mine is propelled about 1.2 meters into the air and explodes with an effective kill radius of up to 100M. The best way to avoid them is to drop to the ground as quickly as possible, as most of the shrapnel is dispersed in a circular pattern.

Metaphor: A woman so skinny she becomes drunk off half a shot of Triple Sec, who bounces around all night and will randomly pop up in front of you, frightening you with her face. The best way to avoid them is to drop to the ground as quickly as possible, as most of the shrapnel is dispersed in a circular pattern.

M 18 Claymore

RL: A directional mine that uses a C4 explosion to rapidly project a matrix of about 700 1/8 inch steel balls at 1,200 meters per second in a 60 degree fan pattern with an effective kill range of 50M.

Metaphor: I don't think I really need to spell out the comparison for you.

PFM-1 "Butterfly"

RL: A Russian mine used during their occupation of Afghanistan. Known for causing harm to children due to being confused for toys because of their unusual shape. They are the worst land mines of them all.

Metaphor: Because of their unusual body shape, they appear to be attractive when in reality their face is BROKE. They cause harm to unsuspecting drunk men who mistake them for attractive women. They are the worst land mines of them all.

Misc Slang:

Grenadier

RL: A soldier appointed with the duty of carrying and deploying most of the grenades and other explosive devices.

Metaphor: The man in the group who does not mind if not prefers landing on grenades. Mostly due to their ease of getting with and the fact that his beer goggles are always very generous.

Sticky Grenade

When a grenade spills beer on herself and becomes sticky. Highly unflattering.

Cooking off

RL: To pull the pin and throw the grenade when the fuse has burned to a certain point causing the grenade to explode before enemies can have a chance to retreat.

Metaphor: To feign the appearance of hooking up with a grenade while your friends hook up with her friends. When the grenade explodes and starts crying, play the song "big girls don't cry".

Disclaimer: If you are an obese woman you should only be offended by this blog if you are an annoying, cock blocking stuck up bitch. NOT all fat women are grenades. Its a genetic thing and is sometimes out of their control. Sometimes.

Consequences: Will they Ever be the Same?

Jessie "Slaughter" Leonhardt currently holds the world record for caring about youtube comments. For those of you unfamiliar with this viral video, I'd like to first offer a warm welcome to the internet. All eleven year old Jessie slaughter wanted to do was post videos for some talentless emo band's fan website she was in, when (probably) baseless rumors of her having sex with a member of the band began to surface. What she should have done was absolutely nothing, but what she DID do was make a video of herself talking about how much better she is than everyone, and that she will "put a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushee"

Brain Slushee was actually the title of a Tupac album

Ebaums World Finds the Video: Does what you'd expect them to.

The above video soon caught the attention of users on a message board called Ebaums World. If you do not know what that is, keep it that way. All you need to know is that regular users of that site have about as much morality as Lindsey Lohan has success in her future. Its great, I go on it all the time now. Ebaums proceeded to bombard Jessie with comments so hateful and insidious that they make Mel Gibson's rants look like an episode of Reading Rainbow.

We don't have to worry about being raped by a pack of Lavar Burtons, and it wouldn't be our faults if it happened. I also don't think he's started ANY of the wars.

The onslaught of hatred effected her house hold in the absolute biggest way possible youtube comments could. Her parents alerted authorities, some fictional some real, Jessie lost her ability to eat and sleep, and her father grew the most disgusting mustache ever out of pure rage. He also made an internet video with his daughter, in an attempt to intimidate /b/ with a bevy of threats. While he failed at intimidating a single person, he inadvertently succeeded in creating what I believe to be the most hilarious viral video ever. Let's take a look.

I've been trying for at least a month now to figure out what this man was trying to accomplish by making this video. "Yeah, this will scare the shit out of those lyin' bunch of pricks!" In an earlier take of the video, he also goes on to tell the the haters that they "dun goof'd", officially winning the award for least intimidating thing said of all time, ever.

Now imagine you're at a bar; you talk to a women who you did not know was with her boyfriend, he walks up to you and says, "hey pal, don't talk to my girlfriend." You drunkenly reply, "she looks like a pig in heat anyway, I don't care". "That's it pal, you dun goof'd."

What's most perplexing about this video are these four things;

• Who are the cyber police?
• Why is he in the "Iced" position?
• What did he mean by "I back TRACED it?
• Will consequences ever be the same?

Unable to stop pondering these questions I began my research. After about 2 seconds each on Google and Wikipedia respectively, I found that there is no Cyber Police. I let out a long sigh of relief knowing that the cyber police would not be knocking my door down with warrants issued by Tapout and Affliction.

Figuring out what back TRACING was took a little more effort, as Google kept saying Did you mean Backtracking? No, Google. I know what the fuck I meant. Since Google didn't seem to know what it was out of its presumptuousness, I assumed no one did and that he, like the Cyber Police, made it up. What I'm sure he meant was IP address tracking, but with that kind inbred/meth addict accent I can safely say he doesn't know what that is. Even if he could "backtrace", I don't think that the Cyber Police have enough personnel to make that many cyber arrests. Oh yeah and the whole first amendment thing too.

What was easily the most baffling part of this video was his grand finale. With rage in his voice and resolve in his heart, he proclaims in crystal clarity, "Consequences will NEVER be the same" I cannot even begin to speculate what he means by this. I at first believed him to have misspoke, but there was no stutter or restating. I have bad news for you and your mustache; consequences for making fun of annoying children on youtube will stay the same for ever: Nothing happens.